Musings on life's transitions

I am always amazed that, amidst the daily trials and tribulations that make up my life, I neglect one of the most important pieces of my life.  That would be writing or blogging as we call it here in Webville.  Some people ask me how I can sit down here and just go on about the issues, challenges, joys that I question and I say "I need to share if only with myself and I figure if something I share sparks a flame within you, leading you to discover more of who and what YOU are, well I can't NOT do it."  So here we go with the current revelation that my particular spark fanned into the flame that feels like the proverbial Phoenix rising...

After finding myself in the worst energy EVER, I realized that I was simply pushing myself to do what I thought I had to do or, more importantly, what OTHERS thought I should do.....that being a job in an office.  ARGH...  While I am sure that I would be just fine handling it, I know, in my heart, that it is not what I am meant to be doing and I would lose myself....AGAIN.

Back in the summer I chose to register for the Body, Soul and Spirit EXPO here in Vancouver to exhibit ME and say to the world "THIS is who I AM".  For those of you who may not know what these EXPOs are.....it is a group of exhibitors devoted to all things spiritual, intuitive and healing.  I remember at the time feeling quite leary concerning the initial monetary output to secure my booth while, at the same time, feeling a jolt of excitement at actually DOING it.  And what ls IT?  IT is doing Intuitive Readings.   This is certainly one of my special gifts.   My gift however had been pushed to the background while I went through one of those life transitions that is the subject of this particular offering.

So back to the money outlay.....I had not been actually making an income for quite some time and feeling quite overwhelmed by it all knowing the only reason I wasn't making an income was because I had not been actively seeking an income.  I had some money and knew that I was not going to starve but my pile of it was sure going down weekly. 

I bit the bullet and started perusing jobs on line.  I have some skills and am a whiz bang keyboardists but every time I sent off my Resume I got a weird feeling in my stomach.  One was that no one would respond or, on the other side of the coin, I would actually be offered a job.  Anyway I had been spending my time doing on line tutorials for different office programs and feeling worse and worse about it all.  FINALLY my stomach got really bad and I, how to put this???....was releasing amazing amounts of "s*it" on a daily basis.   And of course it all came to a head the week of the EXPO. 

I HAD to go but I felt awful.  So, as I am able to do, I did myself up so that I at least looked good and off we went to set up our booth and start the experience.  As the 3 day event unfolded I found myself doing a complete turnaround so that by the end of the EXPO, not only had I a made money....YEAH ME!!....but I had finally anchored back into who and what I AM.  Client after client expressed amazement at my gift and for the first time in a very VERY long time, I felt that same amazement within me for this gift that is my life.

I feel like I am finally getting back into the flow of my life as it is destined to be with a few changes thrown in for good measure.  One of these changes is partnering with a small group of healing practitioners and forming a new "collective".  This has all come about in the past two weeks and today I have two Meditation circles coming up, a couple of Saturdays offering collective services as well as a few workshops and women's groups in preparatory mode.  We also birthed a new website last night which I will share once we are officially ready to unveil it to the world.

I, writer that I am, just sent off copy for both our Home Page and a handout which will leave with our participants at the Meditation for the Full Moon on Sunday night.  Interesting that now that the writing is calling to me once again, everything else seems to be moving in the right direction.  Or is it that now that I am allowing myself to embrace the flow that is my life, the writing can now once more emerge, clearer and engaged.

Life is so good when I just let it BE and it appears to be calling to me from my Soul!

Namaste

Surrender and Acceptance for all - just as it is....

After a busier month than usual for me, I just spent the past 3 days on my own.  I realize that is not a big deal for many but for me, it is different.  Other than going to the gym I have been staying close to home and just being with me, myself and I.  I have actually been asking myself if something is wrong with me as I always wanted to be with others in the past.  I felt anxious on my own or by myself. And now, here I am, choosing to be solitary.

In the past the only time I did that was if I was depressed or low.  But I am certainly NOT depressed - just quiet.  But I must admit I am also not being exactly motivated to do anything other than whatever I do want to do, which has not been much.  There is a little voice quietly reminding me however that the Fall is coming and with the Fall, at least for me, it represents the "beginning" of the year.  When we were children the summer represented play and fun time, holidays - lazy, hazy days of summer and that perfectly sums it up for me.  I am feeling lazy.

We all have lazy days but this is new for me.  While I never did work too hard at any time in my life, or at least it didn't feel like hard work, I was always busy doing some thing.  In fact back then people used to say I could do more in one day that most women did in a week.  These days the only thing I make sure to do is go to the gym.

I had given myself the summer to relax but now that Fall beckons I am starting to think it is time to get going on things now.  And as I sit here I realize that I already AM getting ready but gently and in a more calm manner.  This is a good thing I tell myself yet still it feels odd to be so relaxed.

Perhaps this newer relaxed Me is just fine as she is......I hate it when I talk about me in the 3rd person but sometimes I do feel that who I am now is a far cry from who I used to be.  People who have known me for a long time comment on the difference and are amazed at how calm and at peace I seem to be.  I guess there really is something to having the rug ripped out from under you and starting from scratch again but that is what happened a mere year ago.

As I sit here in my new sweet little sacred space, listening to some wonderful music while the breeze drifts in through the balcony doors with absolutely nothing pressuring me to do anything other than what I AM doing - it does feel good.  For so many years I lamented the state of my world and now, in this new world, I am at peace.

Why give myself a hard time for just enjoying the beauty of solitude with me, myself and I? 

And with that I surrender and accept that I am fine just the way I AM.

And so it is....

Thanks for listening

Showing up.

Interesting how challenging I am finding it to do anything other than the basics these days.  And of course than means not even writing...again.  Why is that I ask myself as I stare at the computer, sitting patiently waiting for me to bring my attention to the words once again. 

I have been reading the words of others to be sure but I am starting to think that by doing that I am giving myself an excuse NOT to write.  And as I wrap myself around that one - WHY DO I NEED AN EXCUSE NOT TO WRITE - it just seems ridiculous.  I mean once I get going I love it and it always makes me feel like a, well...a writer.  But of course then that stupid little voice in my head says "Well IF you truly are a writer, you would dedicate yourself to your craft."  OUCH

I am, of course, my own worst enemy.

I have many friends and acquaintance who write diligently daily.  Some have published books and really GOOD ones too.  Others, like myself, have seen their poems published as parts of books which is great at the time but for me, I find that if I only do that occasionally I must not be that good.

For those of you who do drop by my blog from time to time, you by now realize that this blog, while it does go out there in cyberspace, is actually my own sounding board for me to figure things out. And so as to the last paragraph I know that I am a good writer and that there are many diverse topics and ways that I can and do write so again I am asking myself....."What am I afraid of?"

The first thing that comes to mind is that it means I have to dedicate myself to ME without all the myriad distractions that come my way.  

I now realize that, with all the years of me being there for others, worrying about others, assisting and doing all I could for others it stopped me doing anything really for me.  I felt that by helping everyone I was doing a good thing but at the end of the day, when I was not needed to help another or my desire to help was not received, I was left with nothing to do. And of course since I felt that this was what I had to be doing to be a good contributing person out in the world, I lost sight of me and what I needed, what assistance I needed.

When I am writing and then later, reading my words, I realize that there is so much more I can share by writing than by simply sitting one on one with people.  While I love the face to face aspect of the work that I do, there seems to be an extra charge received when seeing the thoughts that come from me when I allow ME to shine through. 

Smile....I just love how one thought magically moves toward another....

Someone suggested to me the other day that I should sign up to do a talk at a Holistic Expo that is coming in November.  Another acquaintance is making quite the name for herself as an Inspirational Speaker and recently did a talk on developing a "signature talk" to get your name out there.  So since I do love words how hard would it be to do what is suggested since I really have no problem speaking in front of large groups of people.  Methinks I just might have given myself a little push this morning.

Sure hope that whichever part of me "pushed" this morning returns on a daily basis once more.  I'll be waiting or maybe, better still, I'll even meet her right back here tomorrow with more insights for me.

Sounds like a plan..

Ridding negative energies

What a crazy couple of weeks it has been.  Been spending a lot of time with my granddaughter and I contracted |"something" when at a kids play space a couple of weeks ago.  This sickness in and of itself is not such a big deal but the most bizarre situation occurred with someone that I had embarked on a business venture with.  In a nutshell, it went something like this...

The initial work had been done, a first draft, so to speak and I had received the copy and was to get back to the person which I did, explaining that I would look over it all and make my suggestions in my next phone call.  But then I came down with this thing and was in bed for 4 days.  Then I was going through the poor me stage where I just felt so awful that I didn't want to speak with anyone, nor did I feel like trying to make sense of the draft, etc.

So finally last Saturday I actually felt half way human and was going to call this person after my morning coffee.  Unfortunately, I was greeted by the most derogatory email from her implying all these bad intentions on my part because I hadn't contacted her yet.  I immediately called and left messages explaining that of course I wanted to go forward.  I sent an email detailing the course of the week and asked her to call me.

I have had to find another person to assist me with the venture but now she is holding everything up so at a loss as to what to do now.  We (her and I) had secured a new domain name for the venture but she will not release it until she receives such a small amount of money that it has become a joke.  Sent the money off but still nada...

Seems that the Universe is making sure that I rid myself of negative energy in the way of friends and acquaintances but it has thrown me for quite a loop.  I also lost another acquaintance for the same reason....I didn't respond in a timely manner and another person in my life is gone.

It is obvious that I had too many people in my life who were not "friends" while I had considered them both a part of my life. Seems sad that people jump to conclusions and even though perfectly good reasons for my absence were given, they choose to believe that I am somehow in the wrong.

This situation has been going on for quite a few years now as I have been forced to distance myself from people through no fault of mine.  And of course, still I am left feeling sorry for them as there appears to be so much hurt and anger in their lives.  As I write this I know that one of my life's challenges has been attaching myself to those who are in need of help.  Being a Healer I am always up for helping but finally coming to the realization that I can not help others when they are not ready to help themselves.

So for today, I will not allow the energies of others to affect me adversely.  I know that I am a good loving human Being.  Just need to find others of the same ilk without always thinking I have to assume the Healers mantle. Be a friend to others and welcome the friendship of those who choose to see me for ME.

Life is good when we allow it to be.

Have a wonderful day out there in cyberspace.

Coming into our own

Been sitting in front of the screen for hours now doing what I assume is "research".  I have finally realized that I HAVE to get more savvy in this social media age.  While I do have a website, I am in the midst of shifting it around so am re-wording many aspects of it along with feeling the NEED to change the whole look of it all.  To this end I have been perusing a ton of different websites to see what resonates for me and what doesn't.

What am I wanting to convey through my site?  How can I move some aspects of me to another website venue as I have a number of different paths I can take with respect to my "work".   To that end I have expanded a smaller aspect of my initial site and allowed it to branch off on its own with a whole different offering out in the world.

I remember when I first starting working on my website a number of years ago it felt so liberating.  However at the time I was not all that tech savvy (not that THAT has changed much) but at least now I do understand the necessity of getting the word out and networking.  Was talking with a friend about having a short story to explain what it is that we do so that it not only makes sense for those with whom we share but, more importantly, feels in alignment with what makes sense for us.  A mission statement kind of thing.

For a Doctor or a Lawyer, a salesman or an actor - they can articulate easily with the simple word - Doctor, Lawyer, Salesman, Actor.  For someone who is a Holistic practitioner and an Intuitive it can be a tad more confusing so all the more necessary to be able to articulate your craft in a way that brings people in, with a desire to know more.  For many of us, this can be a challenge until you finally realize that this is your purpose and needs to be out there for the benefit of those in need.

I am excited again at the prospects available to me, now that I am ready to get myself out there once more, doing what I do.  For the past 5 or 6 years I have been having a hard time getting out there, so to speak.  I didn't seem to have the energy to network or promote me.  That has changed recently and I am more than ready to begin...AGAIN.

I made a reference on Facebook today to being in my "wise woman years" and this is so true.  I have gifts that have come to me over the years and now I can honestly say I have learned much all these many years traversing the earth plain.

Life feels good.  I feel good.

May you all feel the blessings gleaned from a life well lived...

Namaste

The newness of the Season.

Just stepped out of my other online blog as the words were not flowing as I had intended.  Interesting that I can just write any old thing on THIS blog...........hmmmm, just realized that THIS blog is where I prime the well so to speak.  Here I allow myself to simply speak my mind trusting that at the end of it I - and perhaps YOU - will have an AHA moment.  GAWD.....where have I been.

As I sit before the screen I feel alive.  Even just this simple act of putting thoughts down on paper (or screen as it were) seems to activate a more alive, vibrant part of me.   For the past couple of months as I have been settling in to my new life AGAIN!! the need to write, to create - has been satisfied in creating my new home.  And a lovely creation it has become.   But now, all the time and energy that was expended putting it all together has come to a place of completion and there is now time left over in my day to fill as I choose.  And the Muse has been gently nudging me towards the keyboard once more and this is good.

A friend of mine lamented the fact that I have not been posting regularly.  She is one of those Souls who, when going through her own stuff, can sit and read my words, finding that she resonates very strongly with what comes through for me and, in that understanding, she finds a place of peace....a more balanced place "within" to move forward.  Perhaps not so much in this particular venue but in my more "spiritual" blog.

And if that reason isn't enough to feel the prompt to write, well, I can't think of a better one.  Unless I consider the help it gives ME to write then that could be even more important in the long run.  You see, I think most of us bloggers have the urge to write the next great novel or some over the moon self help manual  and if we do not write, nothing will ever come of that dream or master intention.

Not to mention that I have heard the saying "Do what you love and the money will follow" and while some might consider this a delusional way to operate in our $$$$ operated world I gotta say I tend to agree.  I could go and get a JOB.......horrors!!!!..... but that would definitely cut into my writing time and basically LIFE.  I have enough and my needs are minimal so I am going to simply stick to the idea that if I do what I love and share the joy of just BEING that my needs will continue to be taken care of.

I am also a healer and intuitive reader and this "work" gives me so much....not perhaps in the realm of riches and fame, but enough.  It also gives me the opportunity to assist my friends and family with my intuitive direction and inspirational little reminders that "this too shall pass" which is DIVINE TRUTH - a truth that allows us all to see the light at the end of the tunnel with a little more understanding.

My life feels very full and alive now.  I am now just allowing myself to be ME with all my little unique ways just because it works for ME.  I am finding that everyone around me is acting differently and life is flowing in a softer way. 

It is a new season and everything feels new again.

We are blessed.

No Fear Here

Just got a bit of disturbing news from the Doctor which, at any other time in my life would have set me off into a tailspin, has elicited no more extreme reaction other than "O.K. now what can I do", not what someone else can do but what can I do to alleviate the situation and bring me back into balance. I had to calm a friend of mine down as she always looks at the bleakest possible situation FIRST which is so not in my frame of mind.

Turns out I have a slightly enlarged left ventricle which is supposedly due to hypertension which makes perfect sense to ME since my entire life has been full of the aforementioned HYPER tension....ALWAYS.  Being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder back in the summer put a lot of things in perspective for me with respect to how I react or respond to various situations.

For instance NOW when I am with someone whose energy is setting me off (usually when THEY are anxious or excited or majorly confused) I find I breathe and gently bring to their attention that something is off.  In that moment of awareness they generally calm down and apologize.  I remind them that they have no need to apologize to ME......they should apologize to themselves for allowing outside circumstances to rattle their defenses, bringing them into an unbalanced state.  And THAT, dear friends is how I have managed to moved effortlessly through this latest debaucle. 

The awareness is now ever present allowing me to take charge of those situations I CAN and let go of those situations I have no control over.  And bringing others attention to their own situation gently works wonders for not only them but me and everyone benefits.

Where in the past I would have panicked as my life was full of fear and distrust - that Fear is now a dim flicker in my consciousness.  Do you know how great that feels. 

I was speaking with another friend and mentioned that for the first time in my life I feel settled and content even without a job or a partner.  And those two things were always two of the biggest stressors in my world.  The need for financial security and being WITH someone.  Even when life was going very VERY well with lots of money AND a successful husband, I still had a sense of fear and concern going on.  And now I have a small amount of money with no partner and no desire to partner up any time soon but life feels complete. 

When the fear is gone and you start to learn how to love your Self, in all your perfect imperfections, a settled feeling comes over you.  Not settled in the "Oh she settled" kind of way but balanced inside.  A balance that comes from understanding where you were and where you ARE, all the while  knowing that changes occur continuously in one's life and it becomes all about how we flow with those changes as we merge with our true essence.

And I think I'll leave it at that today.  Go about YOUR day with a renewed sense of Joy knowing that something special is waiting for you to discover - within...

Namaste