New Year's Eve day

I can't believe that it is now New year's Eve. But then of course, I say that every freaking year. Am definitely looking forward to 2008 though. Ready to move into a more fully aligned place in all aspects of this life that I am currently living. A friend at the gym this morning asked me what my resolutions were and I said "Bah, I don't believe in them".

And then she told me all the things that she has on her list and I said that sounds pretty general. Do you say the same things every year I asked? And she said yes. I thought about it and then said well I'll think about some of my own then. And so here I sit and wonder exactly what would be a good resolution. Not a whole whack of things that I want but perhaps just one all encompassing desire for a movement forward.

I know that there are things that I am planning on doing or creating and perhaps that is a good start.

I resolve to create a life that is happy, joyous and fulfilling to me. That sounds good. So now that I have made THAT resolution, what will is look like? What should be my projection out into the future from this now moment? Hmmmmmm.........

I know that when I am writing, I feel much more fulfilled. That's funny when you think about it. By bringing my thoughts and, face it, my emotions OUT in words it opens a place within me to bring all of my creative juices to the fore filling up with ME.

I am finding that my time alone or, perhaps I should say, on MY OWN are becoming much more fulfilling as well. I am finding that I am seeking much more time on my own lately and being good with that. I am not wanting as many distractions in mylife so I also resolve to keep my distance from people, places and things that cause me angst. This is not so much running AWAY from these things, but more a running back TO me and my being. And in doing so I am learning to be happy with just me and me alone. This of course makes it easier to write and that brings me back to the first thing I said.

I almost HAVE to write and to do so I HAVE to be on my own and face it, writing is a solitary pursuit and Spirit has been pushing me in this direction for years.

I am also going to start giving to myself. I have so many things that I am needing to purchase but I keep putting it off. I have never really enjoyed shopping and perhaps this year, I will also resolve to gift myself of a few more things, materially. I will stop putting myself last and will choose to be first in my life for the first time is a very VERY long time.

I'm sure I will end up posting more later this evenign after some "sunshine in a glass" - you know bubbly and orange juice. That makes me smile but don't want to be smiling TOO much or else tomorrow I will be starting off the new year feeling sluggish and THAT is definitely NOT the way I want to bring in the New Year.

Anyway, to one and all I wish a VERY VERY Happy New Year. May blessings abound.

Fantasy World

WOW is all that I can say. That poem that I had been planning on submitting to the contest shifted completely and the one that came out amazed me. So since I like to amaze not only me but others, here it is. I call it Fantasy World. I'm sure some of you will relate. And please do not think I am wallowing in the emotions that this poem evokes. It is a release for me and the words sustain me.

Blessings on this beautiful day.

Once more a mantle of sadness has descended upon me
More words with little meaning tugging at my heartstrings
I so wanted to believe those idle comments of yours
Pulling me
Urging me to believe that this time
For sure this time
It is real. You mean all of what you say

The words, the sentiments springing forth from those lips
The lips that I long to kiss
The face that I love to touch
The strong arms that I held on to
The same arms that held me in their loving embrace
For it is love that I feel from you
It is love that you show me with your eyes
With your lips
With all of your body

The laughter that we shared as we danced around my living room
The way we become like children
Sharing in some wonderful fantasy world
Our world
Our playground
Our love

I wish to remain immersed in that space
But then you are gone and I am alone
Until you return down the road knowing
I will open my arms once more
Open my heart
Give to you all my Love for it is YOU that I love

I hear your voice and my heart sings
I see your face and all the hurt seems to magically dissolve
This time I want to believe it will be different
This time you will mean what you say
This time you will love me for more than just those few short hours
This time you will stay forever
But it is not to be

A mantle of sadness has once more descended upon me

maintaining focus

I just started to read a new book called "the 10 secrets every woman should know". It is also a good one for men but the author, being a woman, has written it from a woman's perspective. Anyway, the first "secret" is that we have everything inside that we will ever need to be a happy productive human. Of course there are times when we wake up and completely forget this one major point about life. It is up to us what we do with each day as it presents itself.

When we can maintain a laser-like focus on what we want and direct our energy toward its manifestation, we feel empowered and cannot be held back. That line is from my horoscope from this morning. As you can see my happiness quotient, upon waking was faltering and so, when in doubt, at least in my world, read what others have to say. It helps.

I had been working on a piece of poetry yesterday for a poetry contest that I am planning on submitting to. And I noticed that there is still a lot of pain swirling around in my being. A sadness at how I wish things were and a discontent that seems to be coming from a very deep part of me. The writing is a very powerful outlet and to be able to do it all justice, I need to spend time with my own well...........the well of my being. Staying centered and focussed on moving forward, while at the same remaining calm and balanced within whatever may be swirling around me.

I have been detaching from a lot of people and places of late and I know that this is a good thing because it is time. No more worrying about making sure everyone ELSE is doing good, but making sure that I am doing so...........good that is.

Just send off an email to a friend and it is not like I haven't sent TONS of these emails to this particular being but I finally had to say STOP. Stop coming to me when you are annoyed with others. Stop coming to me when you are needing a safe port in the storm. Stop talking about how wonderful it WILL be in a short while. Stop saying that you are STUCK. You are not stuck. You are choosing to stay in situations that are NOT for your highest growth. You deserve to be loved and supported in your life............all of this and more I shared with this being and after I sent that email, I realized that I had been talking to ME.

I have been feeling anger at others for perceived injustices. I have been wanting things to be different that they are. I have been feeling stuck. But yet, I do have all that I need within me to move forward. To move towards what I have been moving towards for years. I have it all right here.

And at the beginning of this day, that is how I am now choosing to move forward. I had a very hard time getting to sleep last night and then I woke up after only 4 hours. I am starting to feel that that is what I am supposed to be getting sleep wise nightly. 4 hours........yikes. Yet here I sit, feeling relatively awake and ready to go to the gym.

So here's to maintaining focus.

Have a good one.

My radio stint this morning....

Well, I have to admit that I do enjoy doing the radio gigs. It went really well and the 1/2 hour was over before we knew it. I am going to put together a proposal for a show of my own in the New Year and see what comes out of that. I have the voice for it and I acknowledge that now and it felt good to be able to hear what I do sound like. Everyone always tells me that I have a great speaking voice but until you hear yourself on a GREAT sound system, you are never really sure. Anyway, it was fun and we actually had some callers in to the show with questions pertaining to the usual stuff - life, love and pursuit of happiness. Is that not what most of us concern ourselves with anyway?

As I said on air, it is not so much what is happening outside of us that is the problem. It is how we relate to our own self that causes us the most angst. It is so important to allow time for quiet and introspection because if we just continually go, go, go, there is no time to just be. As one of the hosts of the show said this morning, we are called Human Beings but we never allow ourself the time to simply BE as we are all so focussed on Do, Do, DO........something to think about.

Feeling rather tired today and am glad that there is nothing important that needs doing as I think I am going to just crawl back into bed for a while. Just got a note pushed under my door from the landlord. Remember the fiasco with the showers on my side of the building? Well, as it turns out we will be unable to use said facilities for a few days next week as a major main has been ruptured. That will be interesting....or not.

Blessings

Rainy day thoughts.........

I always re-read my last post prior to starting the next one and this is what I had written in the last part of yesterday's post....

So another day dawns. Full of promise and possibilities and I really do think I am ready for whatever presents itself today.

And to that end I ended up spending most of the day and well into the evening with someone that I had thought was gone from my life. As I have written lately, I have been detaching from people, places and things and this particular person is someone with whom I have attached and detached from on numerous occasions these past few years. If you have been following along with my trials and tribulations since the beginning of this blog, you probably will recall all the angst that I have endured with this person. When I mentioned seeing him to a friend of mine she listened to what transpired during our visit and with a big sigh she said 'Hey, I finally get it. You two are on a journey together for sure." And she gets it. Sometimes I get it and other times I think that this is nuts but at the end of the day, we do seem to still have work to do together and like I mentioned above, I am ready for whatever presents itself. Hmmmmmmmm.

Today is cold and rainy which is typical for Vancouver during December. At least we are just experiencing rain in my neck of the woods as there are many areas around the lower mainland that are getting dumped upon with snow. I hate driving in the snow and don't really enjoy slogging around in it anyway, so am sitting here nice and warm in my little castle in the sky.

Did go for a walk over to visit the kitty cat of course and was looking forward to coming in and jumping into a nice hot bath but it is not to be....and why is this? Well, I live in an old apartment building and according to the message that my landlord left on my machine, the fellow 2 floors below has a hole in the main drain in HIS place so this means that all of us on this side of the building are not allowed to use either our showers, bathtubs or bathroom vanities until said problem is fixed. I can only hope and pray that it does not take long. Now that I think of it, I have been thinking that we were going to start experiencing problems with the pipes in the building since are using the same bathroom stuff that was originally built into the building in 1957 so 50 years is probably a long time for stuff like that to keep working but then again, what do I know.

So I think that's about it for now but just wanted to make sure that I did put something down here. Trying hard to be diligent and write something............anything........daily. Do have a poetry contest to submit to before Monday so should start thinking about what it is that I am going to write.........let alone what I am going to write ABOUT.

Blessings to you all.

Namaste

Happy Boxing Day - weird name for a day actually

Well...........I managed to survive another Xmas Day and it turned out o.k. in the end. And, now that I think about it, it was mostly for my Dad that I did all that I did do so, in the end, I did give him a wonderful day and that is a good thing. I should be grateful for his happiness. And now that Christmas is over, I can start to move forward in my OWN life.

The rains subsided again so am going to head out shortly to go and visit my friend's cat who is probably going MEOW...........where is everyone? So there you have it. Looking after old people and cats. I guess that is not such a bad thing.

So 2007 is drawing to a close and like most of you, I am glad to have gotten through it all. And what a year it has been. Letting go of so much - people, places, attitudes about life, my own insecurities about ME.....LOTS

Looking forward to this Friday and my stint on the radio. Am seriously considering putting together my OWN show for the local CO-OP radio in the city. Would be a good way to get myself OUT there without really going anywhere. Sharing me and my world with others but from a place of detachment. I'll let you know how it goes. Feel very comfortable at the idea of putting on the headset and sitting talking with the hosts of the show. THEY are excited about having me on again this year and that is a good feeling. I know that I have a lot to share and I am happy that they want me to do so.

So another day dawns. Full of promise and possibilities and I really do think I am ready for whatever presents itself today.

Blessings to you all and I send you wishes for a good one.........day that is.

Namaste

Christmas morning thoughts....

Well the weather outside my window this morning is certainly a far cry from yesterday. It does tend to influence how one feels upon awakening...or at least it influences me. Yesterday with the beautiful sunshine and fresh air I felt alive and full of life. This morning however, with the dreariness outside, I do find that I am feeling low. Of course waking up on Christmas morning without the sounds of others moving around, and without a gluttony of gifts under a tree makes it feel somehow less, if that is how I could describe it.

I remember when I was married and the kids were young how much I loved wrapping presents and preparing for the arrival of all of the people who tended to have Christmas dinner at MY house. The turkey preparation and the anticipation of friends coming over and calling was a wonderful feeling. Now, however, with everyone having their own lives and friends scattered all over the place, it is much quieter. And of course, living on my own in a smaller space without the room for a tree, means the the excitement of Christmas is somehow lost for me.

I will be heading over shortly however to pick up my father from the home to bring him here for our little Christmas celebration. I bought him a couple of little presents so that he has something to open and then we will have a special brunch. He can then sit and phone his siblings from my phone while I prepare a dish to take to a friend's house for dinner later today. I will be sharing the Christmas feast with a friend, her 87 year old father and her sister and daughter. I am hoping that my daughter will join us but she is still remaining distant from me and while I wish there was not this distancing from her, I am learning to accept it. I do have to admit however that it still saddens me, especially at this time of year.

I know that there are many people who are distanced from their families but I never EVER imagined that it would be this way with my children and me. But then again, everything for a reason I guess and I will simply have to remain centered within my own being and know that there is nothing that I have done to warrant this - it is her stuff and I need to respect her decisions at this time. We are talking and that is a step in the right direction but as you all know for me to not be able to share me with others, it has certainly been a hard time. I only hope that she moves through this and comes to feel more open with me once again.

My son is over in Europe with his girlfriend and her family. A huge gathering in the South of France with 3 generations all gathered in one big house. I envy him and the wondrous celebration that he is involved in. But again I am missing him. I have not spent many Christmases with him these past few years and I would love to be able to give him a hug and say hey, I am so grateful for the way that you have grown into the wonderful man that you are now. There is some sadness there too in that his girlfriend does not appreciate the close bond that we used to share and has managed to put some distancing between he and I as well.

I apologize here for sounding so blah this morning but this is my blog and I can spew whatever feelings are brewing. It helps me to get it out and I know that once I do, I generally feel better. Part of me feels that I should just delete this but then again, I feel that no one is really reading it anyway so what would be the point. This is how I am feeling and that's that.

But at the end of the day, it IS Christmas and I do wish for you all a good day with lots of laughter and joy flowing all around.

Namaste

An exquisite day here on the Coast

It is absolutely gorgeous outside my office window and saying that, I realize that I had better get out and enjoy it before the rains return. It has been such a funny week weather wise this week. We were supposed to be getting RAIN RAIN AND MORE RAIN but instead, the weather gods have blessed us with these gorgeous sunny days and for that I am extremely grateful.

And speaking of grateful, I am feeling very grateful to ME for finally deciding to get going on my craft for this part of my life. I've already got the topic of a book complete with a couple of notes to boot, am ready to submit some poems to a contest (with $$$$ as the prize)..........woo hoo, making money from my craft. Works for me..............big grin.

But just wanted to wish you all a very Merry Xmas and have a great week coming up. And if you might not be looking at such a great week, simply remember this. It is our choice how we "choose" to embrace the days ahead. We can either go in with a angry or sad or depressed face or we can choose to decide that this year, JUST THIS ONCE, we are going to enjoy ourself this season.

Forget about what you see so many other people or families doing and choose to take this time to decide what it is that you want to do with YOU and only you. I realize that this may not seem like a very cheerful or christmasy message but I choose to work more with the energy of the Solstice. Moving into the New Year. Christmas just happens to fall in the middle of the whole deal.

And Me? What am I going to do for Christmas? Well I will be taking my Dad to a friends house for dinner and he will enjoy that. My daughter may or may not join us for dinner but I am not allowing her moods at this time to affect me either. I will be happy to see her should she choose to attend and be fine with that.

I had a whole whack of incidences occur to make me realize that I tend to want things to be a certain way and when they don't turn out like that, I get depressed. Or at least that had been my normal way of being. This year I am accepting things as they are because there is nothing else I can do about it. BUT, I am feeling fine within it all.

This Xmas season I have also not fallen into the buy buy buy syndrome worrying about what to get people. Few of us were doing the gift exchange thing any way and I just thought about a few things that Daughter dearest might enjhoy and got them without worrying about whether or not she would like them. I liked them and I trust that she will too. A different way for me. Last year my friend Corinna bought her self presents (LOTS of presents) from Santa to her. She was like a little kid at Christmas so this year I am going out and getting me some things just because it is Christmas. And I just did come up with the present that I'll get to me from my Dad as he can't get out and shop. I'm finally going to get a GOOD office chair in which to sit and make my fortune as a

* ahem *

WRITER..........smile

Have a wonderful day and I'll be back with some other little tidbit to share tomorrow. Oh and Thanks Hilary. Dinner would have been lovely. Another time for sure.

Big Hugs to you all

Namaste

Happy Winter Solstice

I can't believe it. There were so many various events around town last night pertaining to the Winter Solstice and I chose to just stay in all warm and cozy. I had PLANNED to go out and join in a couple of lantern processions, which would have been so beautiful and then there were dancing venues galore...........all of which I love to do.........but I just chose to stay in. And on top of that I was even just sitting in the quiet - reading. Now that is not such a weird thing to do as things go, but for me to not even turn on the radio or listen to some tunes is definitely not my normal way to be. I know that the main reason that I chose to stay in was that it was so friggin cold out there. All I wanted to do was get out of my wet clothes and put my warm fuzzies on and curl up on the couch with a blankey. I didn't feel sick at all, just cold and the thought of heading out there once again just wasn't calling to me. A new friend of mine came all the way down here to try to convince me to come out and play but I just could not. I hope he had fun...weak little grin.

Even now as I sit here typing, I did not turn on the radio. And I ALWAYS put "noise" on in the background. Always have. I was just never comfortable with the silence. But here I sit in silence. Just listening to the seagulls and crows as they sing their rather bizarre songs back and forth. Well, maybe not quite "songs" but they certainly do communicate constantly. But I am thinking of what has occurred for me to NOT have to be bombarded by noise.

When I was growing up, the T.V. was always on. I grew up in the 50's and 60's and the T.V. was the BIG deal back then. It was always on even if no one was watching it. I remember a few times going into the living room and noticing that no one was watching it so I simply turned it off. WHOA.............not a good thing. My Dad would come roaring down the hall or wherever he happened to be and go nuts. "Who said you could turn that off?" I would try to explain that no one was even in the room nor did anyone seem to be anywhere in the vicinity of it but to no avail. On it would go again and off he would go back into his office. I used to think that maybe it would be better to have a t.v. in his office but back then, one t.v. in the house was the norm.

Hadn't thought of that in a long time.

But enough of t.v. and noise. I AM going to listen to some BEAUTIFUL noise tonight at a church in town. It is an event that occurs yearly called Chanting in the Round. It will be amazing and I am really looking forward to it. There is this orchestra called the Mantra Vani Orchestra and the evening will be filled with Chanting and Sacred Songs with an orchestra made up these amazing instruments and the voices..............AH, so beautiful. And it will be INSIDE so I won't have to worry about freezing this evening.

I find that I enjoy celebrating Solstice more than Christmas....or at least what Christmas means to so many. I am always amazed at the number of events that people go to at this time of year. I have not been very social the past couple of years and the people that I tend to associate with do not seem to be into inviting others into their realm. So a solitary time of year it is for me. And along with the silence that I am getting comfortable with, the solitary being that I AM is feeling quite content with her solitude.

I have the ocean and the park to visit and these seem to sustain me these days. I do have people that I can spend time with but, for some odd reason, I am just not into spending time with others simply to be with others. Do you know what I mean?

I know that I am preparing myself for the New Year and the task that I have before me entails that I am on my own - focussing. Not constantly looking outside myself for satisfaction or distractions to keep my away from ME. The writer in me has told me that SHE is ready to embark on the next part of her life and as we all know, the writer's world is a solitary one. She needs silence to be able to concentrate. She needs solitude to sit and create. And SHE is ME. And SHE/ME is finallly ready. Feels good.

So now I am going to go out into the rain - at least we don't have snow in my part of the city yet. I have to go and visit with my friends cat and let her know she is still loved as her Mommy is off basking in the sun and surf on Oahu.

Wishing you all a very good day on this Saturday before Christmas

Blessings to you all

waking up to ME on the Radio...smile

Well, maybe not exactly waking up to me since I am going to be ON at 8:30 a.m. and I'm sure most of you have been up for quite some time by then. But, I AM going to be on the local Co-op radio station on Friday December 28th from 8:30 - 9:00 and the show is called "Wake up With Co-Op" I did a show last year about this time but that day I was supposed to be just a 15 minute portion sharing the complete show with another guest. But, as luck would have it, the other guest never showed and I kept everyone entertained for the whole time. In fact, I even did a complete Intuitive Reading on the hosts. It was fun and I have to admit that there was absolutely nothing nerve wracking about it at all which surprised me.



So if you have been following along on my ramblings of late, you know that this is a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I will be doing live on air intuitive readings for call in guests so if you are in the Vancouver area and feel the urge to be on radio, call in. The number of the station is 604-684-8494.

I'll write more later but for now I'm off to the gym.

cat sitting....and other things......

WHAT a day it has been. Starting out very tired and -how shall I put this - cranky or upset or something that was not exactly invigorating and it just seemed to go screwy from there. Was on the verge of tears I don't how many times but managed to hold it all together. And my poor old Dad was definitely NOT all together for the bulk of our time together either. And he cries. I ahve never known my Dad to cry and now, he cries. He cries because he is jsut so happy to see me and then he cries when he realizes that I am sad.........gotta watch that one...NOTE TO SELF..no being sad in front of Dad. And the worst crying of all is when it is time for me to leave, you guessed it, he cries again.

Now this does not mean he cries constantly. He is really rather funny when he realizes that he has my undivided attention for a few hours. But today he kept asking me the same questions. I understand this is quite normal for people of 87 but still, it is hard. I keep telling him that he doesn't have to worry about stuff because I am handling it all but I guess when you have handled your own stuff for approximately 70 years all by yourself, it is quite a shock to not be able to go out on your own anymore, have a wallet in your trousers or get mail. All of this STUFF now is handed over to me. Sigh.

Hmmmmm, no wonder I am frustrated and sad and generally not sleeping. BUT this is all going to change and why is that? Well, as the title says I am going to be CAT SITTING.

Cats are definitely NOT demanding and all they care about is being fed, petted and played with for short periods of time. AND they LOVE to cuddle and purr. That always makes me happy. Maybe I need to get a cat. I always said I would not get a cat again but we will see how me and Madame Taisha get along when together. it will do me good to be able to give some loving to something who will just purr and not make me feel angry, sad or guilty. Not that ANYTHING else is MAKING me any of those things but I am most definitely being affected by outside forces and I am hoping that THIS particular outside force will affect me in a better way....smile

So 5 more sleeps gang.......

Peace on Earth

a little bit is better than nothing

The rains are coming down upon Vancouver again and I am feeling lower than usual. Didn't sleep well again last night and I am starting to think that perhaps it is simply the weather and Vancouver that is causing me distress this day.

Christmas is looming around the corner and while I know that I will get through it again, this is not my favourite time of year. Am heading out though to get some things for me and a couple of little things for my family.

I'm sure I will feel better later but needed to sit here and write something........anything..........even it if it not the highest energy that I could be sending out.

Blessing to you and me.

Spirituality and Bull Mastiffs

Just finished an interesting session. Remember I am an energy healer...anyway, this was the 6th session that I have had with this particular client and what makes it REALLY interesting is that this client is a HUGE Bull Mastiff. It seems that I am able to make this dog the most relaxed and calm dog on the planet. This is, of course, the testimony of said dog's owner. This got me thinking.

I have JUST opened up all of my time and considering that there are so many little dogs living in my neighbourhood, I am going to put up some posters offering myself up as a "Dog Whisperer"... Well, I am not going to actually CALL myself a Dog Whisperer but I am a healer so will simply open up my practice to pets. I realize that I did this a lot when I lived on Kauai but other than this dog here, I hadn't even thought about doing it on a more regular basis. The opportunity financially is big too since people in my neck of the woods look at their furry friends as children. I mean, they buy them overcoats, boots, hoods, special carrying bags - and what is up with that. Aren't dogs meant to be out in the outdoors sans clothing? But don't get me going on that, the point of all of this is that people spend lots of money on their dogs here and since they love them like their children, the chances of people calling me for this particular service are very, very good. And it is not like it will even be expensive for them. A normal dog will only sit still for so long with all that energy running through them, so it is not a huge expenditure of my time, nor a huge amount of cash exiting the pockets of said dog's owners.

There is a special Doggy Deli and boutigue around the corner from my house and I'm sure she will allow me to put up a poster on her window and leave cards so we will see what happens. Something else I just realized is that the location of the Doggy Deli is the same spot that I did my work at when I first came back to Vancouver. Then it was called Messages from the Heart, so now I shall share my messages and energy with the pooches and, by proxy, with their owners.

Anyway, at the moment, it feels like a good opening for me. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....

And other than that, I don't have any other interesting little tidbits to share. It is not raining and the temperature is reasonably warm so I am going to go out for a wee bit of a walk. A WEE bit of a walk............what little leprecaun just came through here.

Have a good one.

in Gratitude

I received the most beautiful email from one of my readers this morning and it brought tears to my eyes. I had corresponded with this young man a few months ago when he was going through something and after reading my most recent blog entries, he chose to send me a poem and words of inspiration to assist ME during this time. So beautiful and it makes me realize that there are many MANY out there who are with me throughout it all even if I never even meet them....or you. There are some very good things about the internet and, to me, this is one of them. Thanks Alexander...............smile

So many of the young people out in the world today seem to be struggling. I am coming to realize that the density of this dimension is just too hard on their higher vibrating bodies. Old Souls every one, trying to make sense of it all. I am not one of the young ones but I relate completely to them or should I say, to YOU all.

My life has been a challenge in that I kept trying to fit into what everyone else in my world was seemingly resonating with. I did a pretty good job of it all until I decided that I needed to live my life in a different way. And that is when the fun started..........well, perhaps not exactly FUN but life certainly is different than how I had thought it would be.

I am looking forward to the next few months as I embark on a NEW career or life path. I have been talking about writing for a very long LONG time now but always got sidetracked because I thought I had to do something else. Why do we fear what it is that our Souls are calling for us to do? Why do we not trust?

I am using the cosmic "WE" as I know that you are also questioning your place within it all. But really? Why do we distrust that voice calling to our souls? Why do we insist on staying "down" instead of rising up into the fullness of our Beings?

As I sit here writing this, I realize that I just didn't think that this would be a worthwile thing to do with my life. Do other writers struggle with this too? I know that writing makes me feel good and clears up my head..........and boy, oh boy, can it get cluttered.......grin. I think that, at least for me, I have always thought that to sit and just write all day would not pay the bills but now, I don't have to worry about that for a while so there is no longer any excuse for me NOT to do it.

It is what I have been wanting to do for such a long time and now, finally, the opportunity has presented itself. But I need to know that others are actually reading it. Are YOU? It would really help me if you could comment - you know like a regular exchange. It will make me know that I am not doing this just for me.........which I have to admit is the main reason.......but that it somehow makes a difference in your day. Sparks something or makes you go "Hey, I know what she means".

Perhaps this is selfish asking for comments but my entire life has been devoted to helping others and knowing that my words make a difference in YOUR life will make it so much easier for me to share.

In the next little while I will also be starting an inspirational newsletter and once that is up and running I will advise everyone where they can find it. Probably through my website but you never know what is going to develop over the next few months. I know that I am putting it out there to come into contact with some editors and publishers - people who can really make it possible to my words to make it out into the world of paper.........sigh............I still like holding the words in my hands. It is solid and while the words are still words here, seeing them in print has a different feel to it. I know you know what I mean or maybe it is just the way a writer feels about his or her words.

Off to the gym now but thanks for reading.

Have a wonderful day and be good to your self...You deserve it.

Namaste

tick tock

Do you realize that it is now only 10 days to Christmas? With all that has been happening around me, Christmas this year just does not seem real. I mean I did put up some "christmasy" things like a few poinsettias and red candles and twinkly lights, but other than the poinsettias, nothing much has changed. But when you think about, LOTS is constantly changing. And what does Christmas signify to me anyway?

Actually I was at a concert the other night and the mc asked us all to close our eyes and brng to mind one of our favourite Christmas memories. I remember opening my eyes really quickly as the tears were threatening to spill and it was NOT because of happy memories. I sat there throughout the rest of the evening simply enjoying the music but having to come to the realization that, for me, Christmas does not bring to mind happy times. I'm sure there are many of you out there like me but THis year I am NOT going to dwell on what is used to be like and simply allow myself to relax as everyone else goes crazy spending, and partying and drinking and such.

I remember last year starting to get all frantic, which is my usual way of being at Christmas...worrying about this that and the other thing. This year I have had my hands and head full with getting my Father settled and he is not happy about it, but that's another story. I have been trying to come to an understanding of why my daughter is choosing to distance her self from me while her father is transitioning and, I am managing to come to a place of acceptance for her journey, such as it is. At least she is talking to me again which is a huge step in the right direction. I am leaving her to accept my offerings or not and be o.k. with that.

I have a friend who also has an elderly father so I am going to pick up mine and we will do a father/daughter Christmas thing. It should be interesting. But at the end of the day, I am sure the fathers will love having their daughters there with them and I will be fine with that as will my friend. Of course she has always ahd a loving bond with hers while mine has NOT but now of course since he needs me there, he is much more loving towards me than he has ever been. Transitions are such an interesting thing I am finding.

Am looking forward to getting going on editing all the things that I have written these past few years because I will finally have something meaningful to send to various editors and see what I can make of it all. My life in words and my thoughts on paper for all to read. But of course with no work to pull me away from all that I am, THIS will finally become my work.

And yes, I will be writing regularly on this little blog of mine. It sort of primes the well methinks and since it is just me talking to the screen, it is not exactly rocket science but it DOES get me going in the morning. And speaking of going, I do need to do something other than sit here and babble to you all.

Have a wonderful day and be careful out there..........you know how crazy people can get at this time of the year.

Blessings to you all.

stepping out of everything and into ME...

I had an email this morning from someone saying that he had just read one of my posts and I realized that again, I had not been here for some time. This is a man that I do not know and I realized that I should get back to it.

Just yesterday I quit something that had been taking up some time and told my father that I would be taking a sabbatical to concentrate on writing. Telling people this makes it real...RIGHT?? I read my Daily OM this morning and it had the following lines as the intro...

You may feel rebellious today, and your independent spirit may inspire you to break free from your usual routine. These feelings may indicate a deeper need for personal expression, and you may want to consider following the urgings of your heart.

GRIN.........looks like the Universe knows me or at least I am finally tapping into that part of me that has been hiding. The creative being I mean. She has been sitting here patiently waiting for me to finally get back at it......writing that is. When I was on Kauai I wrote every single day and it was simply a part of my life. Vancouver is a much harder place to write but I have to stop using that as an excuse because like it or not, I am here and will be here for a while. Still feel that I am meant to be moving on to somewhere else but like I said, I am here NOW and so need to get focussed on writing because it makes me feel good, like I am doing something for me. And when I do for me, the sense of satisfaction is incredible.

Will be back here on a much more regular basis as I no longer have any - and I mean ANY outside obligations. No job, no place to go and hang around waiting for the world to find me...NOTHING. I thought it would feel scary but it feels somehow liberating. Of course knowing that I don't have to be worrying about money certainly helps.

Anyway, talk to you all later.

Blessings

rant #5,468 or something like that

So something good has occurred. My father is being moved into a Care Centre today and it has a really good energy so I, for one, am feeling better. I took a quick tour of it the other day and the people who work there are all wonderful......lots of smiling faces and good energy. I did hear however that my father is really pissed off at the transitional until where he has been residing for the past 2 months. All these changes are extremely difficult for him and he is lashing out.

I am having a rather time maintaining my centre and finally phoned my own doctor and am going to see about getting something that will help me sleep through the night and perhaps find a counsellor to help with not only my father but with the problems that are going on with my kids, the ex husband, the ex boyfriend and all of the old stuff that is coming to the surface. A hard time for sure and let's not forget that it is all coming to a head during the upswing for Christmas. I have to get to some place of balance before Christmas because it is going to be a lonely one for me. Again, not saying that so people go Awwwww, poor you. Just a fact.

Life is certainly interesting. I am finding that I am really wanting someone or some ones to come and help me come to a better place but as I keep reaching out and they keep either pushing back or not even responding, I am left knowing that this is a time of inner reflection and also a time where I am being forced to come to the realization that at the end of the day, we are on our own. I wish that there were a circle of friends who could come to make me feel safe and supported but most of the people that I do spend time with all have their own issues and not one of them is available to help me as they are having a hard time managing their own lives.

I guess there are some others that I could reach out to but, I don't know about you but, when I have so many that I consider close friends and relatives who are pushing me away, it makes it really hard to reach out to new people.......I guess I am fearful that EVERY one will push me away.

Glad that I called the doctor and hopefully this time I will be able to finally come to grips with whatever the core issue is for me.

anyway, sorry for dumping but then again......this is my blog and chances are that no one is reading it anyway.

groan.......

more revelations

My blog the past few days has been coming to the realization that it is no longer appropriate for me to be looking for others to help me to come into my own. It is only through my own actions directly affecting MY life that I will be able to move to the next level of my particular journey.

I am a healer and the past few months I have had many people in my life push me away saying that they do not wish to receive what it is that I wish to extend to them. Two of them are transitioning through Cancer and to be pushed away and not allowed to HELP them has been devastating for me. How can a Healer heal if those who are in need will not accept the gift that is freely offered? It has been one of the hardest times of my life. These people are relatives, old loves, children........it has felt like I have been pushed out the door and left on my own with no one there to receive ME.

So, what I had just finally realized is that perhaps all this giving of mine was not un-conditional. Perhaps I had been doing so in the hopes that I would receive love in return. But I did not. And so, I am reminded again that it is not in what you receive, it is all in what you give. While I feel that I am offering myself from my heart and this I know to be true, my poor little heart has been wishing to receive from others. In giving I had thought I would automatically receive but this is not the case.

Thank God/Goddess for my writing ability as the past few days have been ones of deeper inner reflection and with each passing hour, I am feeling better. Understanding me a little better and allowing myself to go through this time of confusion knowing that I am emerging out the other side, stronger and more readily able to live the life that is before me - as one being on my own.

It has been a lonely journey of late but I am feeling the universal Love that is ever present as I sit here typing away and I know that this too shall pass........and I will be all the better for it.

I wish you blessings of infinite abundance.

coming into an understanding of what IS...

So I made it through the weekend and while there were many MANY times that sadness descended upon me I woke up this morning with a new understanding of how I work.

Most of the angst that I have been going through is because I want to be accepted and allowed to share all that I AM. But at the end of the day, we all know that we can not force anyone to accept us if they are choosing to distance themselves from us. I kept pushing and since I know how much I do help those who ask for it I thought that everyone would be able to accept me and all that I bring to the table. This is simply not the case.

The fact that my ex-husband is not wanting to see me as he is transitioning could be for a number of reasons. We have been apart for over 20 years but there has not been any animosity between us for most of that time. We both knew that we were not a good fit anymore when we split and I have always maintained a friendly disposition when I have seen him. He even came to my second wedding and wished me well. We were not close but we could always be civil to one another. My sadness at this time comes from ME not being able to be there for him. And at the end of the day, I need to stop being so focussed on what it is that I want and be cognizant of what the other person wants. It is NOT about me at this time, it is about him or her or the other person.

I guess that the fact that there are numerous people in my sphere who are in various forms of distress, that are shutting me out, has made it so much more in my face. A BIG lesson is upon me at this time.

It is time for me to stop being constantly there for everyone else and start to pay attention to me. The fact that I am not allowed to be there for others should not be taken personally but BOY OH BOY it sure does feel personal.

It is now time for me to be ME for ME.

I have a feeling that I will return here later in the day but for now this feels right.

Have an awesome day and know that you are blessed.

The ultimate giver and nourisher

One of those many people that I wish to assist at this time is my ex husband. He is currently on the losing end of his battle with cancer and I had offered to come and do what I do. Give of the energy and hopefully in that space give him a respite from the pain that he is suffering. His girlfriend had been my oldest girlfriend since high school and it was me that connected them a few years ago as I knew that they had always gotten along even when I had been married to him. Unfortunately now that she is with him, my place in her life has been pushed rather out of the picture but still I connect and of course now that her beloved is preparing to transition to another realm, I am wanting to be there for her.

I have been trying to connect with her for the past few weeks as they had to come down to Vancouver since they were living up country and the treatment facilities there were not adequate for his needs. But they came down here over 2 months ago and still we had not connected. I have been trying to not let it affect me but it has. Anyway, this morning I once again tried to set up some time to come and visit and she said that she has been very busy with all her "friends" who are coming to spend time with her and that there just has not been any time for her and I. Still I tried not to be affected by the fact that she is obviously NOT looking at me (who had been her friend for over 40 years) as one of those friends. She has been down in my neighbourhood several times but not one of those times has she chosen to connect. I think I understand it but in my heart there is pain at once again not being allowed to help or assist someone in pain.

My ex had said that he would welcome some healing energy from me when he came down here but now today, she said that he does not want to even see me......ouch! So once again, the giver and nourisher is being shut out of the picture. It is interesting that all of this is all coming down the shoot now as my father is transitioning and the man that I had been involved with (who is also in his own battle with cancer...what's up with this picture) has also chosen to step away from me and not allow my assistance at this time. I'm amazed that I can write all of this and not get all teary eyed. Am I getting stronger or simply numb. I don't know.

I know that my daughter is going through a lot of pain during this time too with her grandfather getting frailer and frailer by the day and her father wasting away but she has also chosen to step out of my life over the past few months when it would seem that she would need her mother more than ever. But no. No communications with her either for the past month or so. Again shut out of the life of someone that I love and care for. I keep trying to figure out what is going on with all of these people distancing themselves from me and while I know that I should not be taking it personally, there is a part of me that wonders what I could have done wrong, other than to offer my help and love. It is a curious state of affairs for sure.

I was doing some cleaning of my house today which is always a good thing when there are emotional issues pulling at me. On my fridge I have a number of different inspirational sayings and one of them fell to me feet and as I picked it up I realized that it had a huge message for me this morning. I would like to be able to give credit to whoever wrote it and I apologize to the author but if by chance you, who are reading this right now are said author, I say thank you. Anyway, here it is... It is called the Gift of the Self.

It is only by honouring your own creational being that you honour all that is holy, all that is divine and all that is earth. Do not wait, hoping someone will give you what your heart seeks.. Give yourself what others in your life have not been able to give you. Do not shun them for not bringing you the gifts. The gift you give is the gift to yourself, of yourself, for yourself and by yourself. That gift is the remembrance that you are holy and born from the heavens. Through honouring yourself you enter into the Christ heart within your being and you will then rise to the next level of your light. But it is ONLY through honouring your own divinity that you will be able to access this portal.

Hmmmmmmm, quite something isn't it.

So for today, I shall simply step back and allow whatever is meant to come to me to do so. I shall not push or prod others any longer. It has gotten me no where and only causes me to think less of me than I should.

I know that I am a being of LIGHT and I also know that I do help many many people but it is time for me to stop offering my self where she is not wanted.

Today will be one of quiet solitude and perhaps tomorrow, I shall feel more like me. For today I am feeling rather lost.

May you yourself have a day of joyful abundance on all levels.

katrice's ramblings with a couple of A HA's thrown in

For the past little while I have been finding myself getting tireder (if that is even a word.....groan) and tireder (but I'll use it again because I'm sure you will all understand what I am saying) and throughout it all I have been talking about all the discordant energy "around" me and today it finally hit me. Sigh....no biggie here.....but it has nothing whatsoever to do with all the energies out there AROUND me but what it is that I am feeling INSIDE of me. It has been a very humbling experience to say the least.

I have so much to draw from when in this state yet still I fail to fully embark upon the next phase of the journey, as it were. I have been simply floating through my life - and I am being brutally honest here as I need to hear this - but this way of being is finally getting to me. I have been waiting for this to happen or waiting for that to dissolve instead of choosing the direction that I need to be going for ME and only for me. At the end of the day, all this waiting around has only made me feel less than and frustrated. And I suppose a little disappointed in me, myself and I.

Now I am not sitting here crying or trying to bum anyone else out there who might have inadvertantly happened upon my idle ramblings. Well, perhaps not exactly IDLE ramblings but I am just allowing whatever I need to write the freedom to appear and when doing so, I try not to edit the thoughts as they appear.

However, I do know that there are many , many MANY others of you out there who are going through your own particular Dark Night of the Soul as this is what I now understand it to be. So much going on all around you and your attention is diverted many, many times a day towards the situations AROUND you of which you really have absolutely NO control, but within which you are currently enmired (again, a questionable word!!) and somehow vibrating with. And as I write this - you see I AM my own teacher - I now realize that I have been allowing my self to lose my centre as I reach out all around me to be of assistance.

There I did it again. I also just realized that I offer my assistance to everyone and I need to understand that not everyone WANTS my assistance regardless of how helpful it might be. And that I just realized is the main problem with my current state. There are a number of people that I wish to share with who not wish to share with me.

And a sadness settles down upon me.

But also a sense of relief as I now realize that THIS is a big piece of my own personal puzzle. I keep saying that I attract the men that I do because I feel that I am there to HELP them move to their next level and then, when they are not wishing to receive all that I AM, I take offense. I look at everyone as someone to help or mother.....there I said it. I guess I need to feel needed and that is what I felt as a young mother.

I remember when I used to nurse my firstborn, I felt more powerful and in control than at any other time in my life. I was giving life. I was the ultimate nourisher. This being in my arms looked up to me as I had given him life. And as he suckled at my breast, I was giving him his perfectly blended nourishment as blended within this physical body. I was the ultimate giver and nourisher and here I am, all these many years later still wishing to be doing the same but this time, with everyone.

That last paragraph got to me. I will continue this particular discourse at a later date.

Be well everyone.

The Autumn Equinox

It was a busy summer for me and that is one of the reasons that I ceased posting. Of course as I sit writing this I realize that THAT is no reason whatsoever for not posting and now that I am sitting here I feel rather ridiculous. Sure would like to know why I don't write daily. The same question comes to mind each time I sit here after a prolonged absence so I should work on that methinks.

Heading over to the North Shore Center for Spiritual Living today for an Open House. It used to be called the West Coast Institute of Mystic Arts so I for one am happy with the name change. Feels much more in alignment with the work that I do as I always thought that the Mystic Arts moniker leaned more to the "woo woo" factor than the powerful work that I do. Anyway, I'll be giving a talk about what it is that I DO do so am looking forward to that.

Seems that I am being called on to be doing more speaking about what I do so it would appear that the Universe is grooming me for something different. And luck for me, I am ready for the change. I feel that perhaps it is now time for me to be fully embracing of all the gifts that I am currently working with. In doing so, it will allow for even more to funnel down to me. That is something each of us needs to realize too. When we allow ourselves to fully embrace all that we are, it allows for even more of our true essence to come to the surface.

It is a special time for us all. Today is the Autumn Equinox...a changing of the seasons and more importantly a changing within our selves. I had always thought of September as the beginning of the year but this year it feels different. Nothing special has occurred but it feels like I am simply moving gracefully into a new aspect of this journey that is mine. The work is settling in to a more balanced flow between all the various parts of my "craft" and there is time for me to do other more ME things. Balanced is how it feels and THAT is a wonderful place for me to be.

Some new people have entered my life recently and they are much more in tune with who they are so perhaps it is just letting me know that I am more in tune with me. Changes have occured within some of my old relationships too and they are coming into alignment with me and my life so that is making life a lot more effortless and balanced as well. Of course we are in the midst of the Libra energy which is all about balance so perhaps the flow has been engaged.

At least that is what I am choosing to believe. My work is being accepted and recognized more as the gift that it is and I am accepting and recognizing the gift that I have to give to the world. It is a good place to be.

Have a wonderful day doing whatever you choose to do and allow it to be perfect whatever it is.

Blessings to you all

Namaste

Katrice

Infinite Abundance

Well at least this time I have a valid reason for not blogging. Actually I probably SHOULD have been blogging but I have been really busy with my practice. I am well on my way to what had I always intended would be the optimum amount of work that I do in any given week.

The phone has been ringing with new clients. I am receiving referrals. I now have clients who are booking multiple sessions AND I am simply sharing all that I do with any who ask and they too are choosing to book sessions.

It is wonderful. I am busy. These Souls who are desiring to reach upward in their lives are responding and I am in the Divine flow of this part of my journey. So, that is my excuse for not blogging. And of course now that I sit here I realize that what I have just written is no longer a valid reason for NOT showing up at the page. But, I hate that word........it stops everything....BUT that is.

When I was on Kauai (it seems like light years ago) I got up every morning and before I went anywhere I wrote. Interesting that I am not doing that now that I am back in the big city. However (that is another way of saying BUT........I should watch that.........grin) being in the city seems to shift one's energy a lot. I am going to the gym though regularly and working way harder than before. I guess that is because I am feeling much stronger. I had always said that the only thing that was missing in my work was the work........by this I mean enough to keep me financially secure. And now it is.

My father had given me some money out of the blue a while ago just before this new surge in clients occurred. It seemed to act as a safety net because since receiving it, I have yet to use ANY of it. Interesting that while the bank account had dipped WAY down, I still did not get into any fear mode. I trusted that I would be provided for with that Divine abundance from Source. And funnily enough with this influx of cash from Dear Old Dad, it acted as the foundation from which to rebuild. So thanks Dad........smile

My heart is also much fuller with my own sense of the Love that is within me. I am not seeking outside as much for a sense of love from others. THIS is a very big piece of my own particular puzzle as I had always needed outside validation. And while I know that I still love to be loved by others, I have now found a place of unconditional Love within that is now sustaining me.

I have found myself sharing this infinite abundance of Love from within with others, simply because I can. I know that others sense this love from within me and while they may not be as outgoing with the sharing of their own love, still I sense it and this knowingness lets me know that I am full.

So as I sit here sharing with you, I am full of the infinite abundance that is provided to us all when we open to receive it. Life is good.

Much Love and Many Blessings to you all.

Namaste

In praise of the Divine Feminine

Ahhhhhhhh, Thank Goddess that I have been gifted with the path that I trod upon. So many things to take one off his or her path it seems. I have just finished preparing for my next client. I also am a Vibrational Healer and it appears that there are many more Souls embarking on their own quest to resonate with their own Soul Essence. And for this I give thanks. It takes me to the place within my Soul where I am at my Highest and most aligned with Source. Sigh.

And while I realize who I am within the work that I have been called upon to do, I sometimes wonder about the woman with whom I share this physical body. I have really noticed of late that when I am writing I am writing as if this is all about someone else, when, in reality, it is all of me and there in lies the problem.......if you can call it such.

I tend to find myself watching my life as if by the sidelines while fully immersed in it.........almost as if two parts of me are trying to interact as one. Hmmmmmmm, is this scaring anyone else out there? I mean really. It is like there are two completely people here and I am fully aware of the fact that they are both very distinct aspects of my personality. Does anyone else do this? I mean am I the only one who feels like I have a split personality?

Whoa STOP. And then there is the one who goes on and on and on without coming to any one conclusion. I am working very hard at keeping her under control...........big grin..........This aspect drives me nuts to be honest and thankfully I am becoming aware of this in a much more timely manner. This is good. That brings me back to the Vibrational Healer. And even writing the words Vibrational Healer I feel myself come back into a sense of Oneness.

I guess I just had to let myself know that it is o.k. to slide down into those other aspects of you...the parts of you that you are trying to embrace and let them simply settle into a part of the whole. It is important to realize that when we consistently expect something different from something that is always the same, we are setting ourselves up for heart ache. It matters not what the something is........it is simply expecting something other than what has always presented itself.

So now that I got that off my chest I am off to make tea for said client and give a prayer of gratitude to the Divine Feminine within each of us (and you guys too) for allowing a strong clear channel to pour forth in infinite loving abundance empowering us all.

Namaste

A talking to from On High...........

As many of you know and perhaps some of you don't, I do intuitive readings among other things. Occasionally I even do them for myself and the following is what came out of one a while back. This is the sort of genre I have spent most of my writing experience exploring and with the sharing of this particular article, I feel that I am ready to get back into the work that will affect the biggest number of people.

The question posed to Source when I set my intention for the reading was the folowing...

What do I need to know for my Highest Growth today?

Take a deep breath and set your same intention for the answers that you most need to receive, as you sit and read my humble words.

Read on Dear Reader.........Read on..........

It is NOW time to tap into the Divine Plan where you are able to express the highest essence that is you. You are meant to be sharing your own lessons with others as you all move into a place of mastery. This does not mean that you are telling others what to do. It means that you are sharing through your own actions what it is that you are meant to be doing. In so doing, you will be leading by example and allowing others to see what it means to be in a place of Mastery.

You are fully in a place of power in this NOW moment if you would but allow yourself to step back and view all that is occurring from a higher place. You have always known that you are a teacher and a mystic and UNIQUE. Why have you chosen to step out of that place? You are not fulfilling your part of the divine plan by lamenting that which has left your life. You are not fulfilling your own particular mastery by sitting and waiting for others to do for you. It is time to step up to the plate and hit the ball out of the court. Keeping it close to you serves no one – least of all you.

Your relationship to all things is a tool in the work of your Soul. All of your relationships, whether they be fleeting or long term are here to teach you about you. – all aspects of you. None are too small to have no merit. None are too large as to warrant denial. They are all important parts of your Journey. Whether they are the clerk in the grocery store, your parents, your children, your friends and acquaintances, your clients, your lovers – all of them are parts of YOU.

However, if you are not connecting to YOU in this NOW moment, who is there to replenish you in the quiet moments - those moments of solitude? It is imperative for you to be alone if you are ever to learn who you are and assimilate all the various aspects of you that others mirror back.

Now is the time to fill up with your own unique essence instead of looking to others for fulfillment. Once you are at peace and contentment with this being that is you, you will then be able to allow someone else in to mirror this beauty back to you. Love your self in all your myriad ways and allow this to be enough.

There are miracles all around you. Open your eyes and start to see the beauty that is not only all around you but the beauty that is YOU. For you are a miracle – start behaving as such. You have a great deal to share with others and the sooner you start to love you for you, the sooner your life will start to shift. The work you love will be abundant. The body and mind will heal and the Soul that is you can start to live the life that you were meant to live.

May your days be blessed.

Namaste

Katrice

The sun has gone back into hiding.....again.....

I have to admit that I feel so sorry for all you people who have to work a regular work week, especially when the weather is stellar all week long and then, the weekend arrives and WHAM...the sun goes back into hiding. I am starting to realize how lucky I really am in that I am able to get out in the sun during my regular days since I don't have boss to report to and, come to think of it, NO ONE to report to. I guess that is a good thing.

I was sitting on the beach for a while yesterday and as I sat talking with a gentleman who wandered over to my log......smile.......yes, MY log, I was talking about how I am coming to grips with the fact that I am on my own and FINALLY I am starting to like spending my quiet times with ME. Ridiculous that it took this long for me to start to enjoy my time with me. It has been such an issue - so much so that at times I thought I was going nuts. The prospect of days with nothing to do and no one to talk to used to make me extremely anxious. I have a number of friends who are always going out to dinner or off on extended vacations all by themselves and I have never been comfortable doing so. I always wonder why that is. I mean everyone else likes to spend time with me, why wouldn't I like to spend time with me.

I remember when I was a MOM - I'm still a MOM but they certainly don't need me anymore - my husband used to take the kids camping every so often and I would stay at home. I would love it for about the first 6 hours and then I would feel so lost. My whole life revolved around doing for others and without them around, I couldn't just relax and spend quiet time with me. It has been that way for most of my life and it has only been recently that I am finding that there are now things that I can do all by myself that I enjoy.

For those of you who do not struggle with this issue, you are probably going "What is the matter with this woman?", but like it or not, this has been the way for me most of my life. In fact, when I would see couples strolling hand in hand, I would find myself tearing up as I so wanted to be in a relationship with another but now I realize that I probably glommed on to the various men in my life because I just didn't like to be alone. Now, I have been on my own for a few years and while I thought I would go crazy with the incessant hunt for the "other", I am now ready to settle down and start to get to know who I really am.

Sure I know who I am to others but who I am to me is another thing. I'm sure this is the reason that I do the work that I do. We all teach that which we most need to learn and it appears that I am needing to learn how to be ME.......sure I say I teach spiritual development but in reality it is simply the ability to enjoy the life that you are currently leading and if that is not the case, then teaching how to shift out of old ways of being so that you, and I, can come to an understanding of who we are NOW, as opposed to who we used to be.

On another note I got a call from a woman who puts together talks and classes at a local library. She called me to ask if I would give a talk on.....get this......personal development....smile. I know that God is letting me in on a big secret here. I need to pay attention.

You all have a wonderful day and I'll be back.......I promise.

explosions of colour

The fireworks last night were great. As I sat there clapping my hands and laughing like a little kid, I was trying to remember watching them as a child but no memory surfaced. I was trying to remember if I enjoyed them as much then as I do now. Strange... It could just be that I am finally allowing myself to experience unalderated JOY but the pleasure that I am deriving from this exposion of colour during the symphony of fire is incredible.

As I sat there watching the crowds build and for those of you who don't live in Vancouver, those crowds are HUGE. It is estimated that about 500,000 people all crowd down in my little part of the world on fireworks nights to sit on the beach and the grass to watch. I have a lot of friends that will not venture down this way on those nights because of the crowds. There are always going to be people who get slightly "tipsy" and/or "high" but at the end of the day, I have never felt fear but this is what I sense from others. Perhaps my level of trust that all will be o.k. is a bit higher than others but at the end of the day, I would not miss these displays for the world.

It is funny too that this year I have watched each and every one of the shows (3 so far and one more on Saturday) from the beach. I just realized that the reason that I have NOT ventured on to the beach or closer to the festivities is that same fear that I just mentioned. Something has changed for me this year.

I am so happy that I have others who enjoy going to these displays as much as I do but I am realizing that I don't actually NEED to have anyone go with me which is a big shift in my thinking. Just like the fear is no longer present while in the midst of the crowds. There was a while though when I realized that the young people next to us, who were already quite drunk and staggering 2 hours prior to the start of the festivities, were receiving another party to their little group who was bringing in some more supplies and, as he threw a bottle of Jack Daniels to his gang...........I knew then that we had to move somewhere else. They were staggering all over the place and with the crowd building I could see something or someone getting hurt and I did not want to be on the receiving of someone elses trip........if you know what I mean. Thankfully Spirit was watching over us as we realized that we would have to move anyway as, according to my friend, last night was going to be the highest tide of the whole year. We sat watching the water get closer and closer to our little spot and then when it hit a log in front of us and splashed over, we knew we had to move. Saved by the water. I did keep watching over to our old spot as those drunk young people finally got completely soaked and staggered off up the hill.

Slept threw the night too and woke up with a smile on my face. Life feels good.

Have an awesome day and I'll be back.

lessons to be learned

It has been a very hard few weeks here in Vancouver for Moi. The past few days has seen a shift in energy within all of me and perhaps I have finally come out of another one of my funks. So much had been falling away and I was still trying to hold on. We all know how well that works now don't we. Am hoping that some lessons have finally been learned.

When we were in school (or are for some of you - you still are in school) we go to class, work on our lessons and then are tested to see if we retained any of what we had learned. It is like that with life in general methinks. We are given lessons and with time, we are meant to learn them and use these same lessons to move on to the next ones. And unfortunately there will always be new lessons. If we don't pass the tests, we are sent back to re-learn those same lessons. I said to someone the other day that I wished that these same stupid lessons would stop coming back up and then I realized that the only reason they keep re-occuring is that I hadn't yet learned what I was meant to learn. Hopefully something has anchored in this time and the next lessons will be of a higher nature. At least that is what I am intending.......smile

I went to a funeral yesterday. I didn't really know the gentleman that passed away but his long term partner is a friend of mine from the gym. I watched her throughout the entire service and I was so amazed at how composed and gracious she was to each and every person who came up to her. I had not brought any kleenex with me because I thought that simply because I didn't know this man well and that I had spoken to her over the past week and a half profoundly about her time with him, I mistakenly thought I would not cry. So for those of you who know me well, that was a completely STUPID thing to do.

He had 4 young adult children and they all got up to talk about their Father. THAT got to me big time because listening to them speak of their Father and their for him and his love for them, my heart opened big time and while I did not sob uncontrollably, the tears started and they just would not stop. It made me realize how lucky I am to still be here to learn these lessons, stupid or otherwise. Sigh..........

And I am learning things daily from my daughter too these days. She is going through her own lessons at this time and we are sharing many little heart to heart conversations. Her heart has opened to me once more and that is a wonderful place for me to be. It has been a hard time for her and I over the past 10 years or so but with all of HER lessons and all of MY lessons, we seem to be coming to a place of trust and safety and companionship with feels oh so very good.

O.K. so now I am off to spread my own brand of love and light to others for the day and I wish for you a day of sunshine, abundance and infinite JOY.

ranting

It's been a hard week for me. WAnting to move forward and having a very sore foot is bringing up all sorts of things for me. I remember years ago when I was dealing with back problems, it was the same thing BUT then I had others to keep my mind occupied......2 kids and a husband, 3 cats and a dog, not to mention a large house and all that that entails. Now, however, it is just me and me. A friend of mine suggested that I just take this time to BE with me and while that sounds like a very VERY good idea, I do tend to want to get away from me which is of course impossible because wherever I go - there I am. Thanks to Jon Kabat something or other for that comment. He wrote a book called "Wherever you go, there you are" and it seems appropriate for me at this time.

Spent some time with my Father yesterday and THAT always brings things up. He is a very angry old man and I seem to be the one that he chooses to bark at.....probably because I am the ONLY one that will spend time with him. I want to be able to help and he is refusing it - all the while wanting his life to be better. It is so frustrating for me to be a healer and a giver and having it pushed away. My Father and I have had a very tumultuous relationship from the beginning of time and I am at the point where I am once again wanting to completely distance myself from him. Not a good time for me there at all.

As I sit here venting I am seeing why I have NOT been posting lately. Hopefully I'll be better later and will have something more positive to post.

detaching and opening up to the call from within

Now that my foot is on the mend I am seeing the possibilities that are presenting themselves to me. It is not in working that I am going to get ahead methinks. It is in finally working as a writer as this is what calls to me. Why does it take so long for me to get going on it though? I can be so unfocused these days. Come to think of it, I have been rather floaty most of my life. Always had someone around to focus my attentionon thereby NOT focusing on ME. And while there are times when I think that I should get a job.....any job.......each time I think that I feel like I am copping out....does that make sense? I don't know.

Watched the movie "CRASH" last night......the unedited version. Ever seen it? LOTS of sex with the two main characters being James Spader (he is quite bizarre in this one) and Holly Hunter. TONS of frontal nudity and just plain wild sex constantly. Interestingly enough though while movies like that usually get me going......grin.......I found it rather uncomfortable. It made me think of the man that I just detached from and I find it quite perfect that that movie was on T.V. as an uncut version last night. Just another way for me to see that it is indeed over between me and that man. Perfect timing I guess. I got home at 10:00 and turned on the t.v. just as the opening credits were rolling. I had heard a lot about it over the years but I had never seen it . Seems it was time.

Ended up going to a friends house for a barbeque and I ended up barbequing since I am really good at it. It was a perfect evening for me because this is an old friend that I don't see often and while I was out on the patio barbequing, I realized how much I missed those times. Being out in the backyard barbequing, sipping sangria, talking. Felt so normal and I realized that I am now ready for normal again. Finally. Seems that over the past 10 years or so I have been trying to live on the edge while still yearning for a sense of normalcy in my life. At least now I am ready to take some steps in that direction. Of course choosing to be a writer might not be the most normal way to move through life but I do have a lot to say......smile.

And that being said I have a couple of articles calling to me to submit somewhere, anywhere. Have to get going in it and the detachment that I am feeling with so many parts of my life is making it a perfect time to fill up on what it is that truly calls to me.

Here's to your calling.......

Gimpy feet and lilies

and how do these two things morph together.......well a NEW friend......smile.....sent me a beautiful bouquet of lilies and baby's breath yesterday just because, as he explained, "You deserve them". Awwwwwwwww, how sweet. And yes he does indeed seem to be a very very nice man. Funny how I am now attracting some NICE men in now that I finally let that energy drainer go. Feels nice to have someone concerned and caring in my life. Not that I don't have other friends but girly girl that I am, it is extra special having someone send me flowers. Of course, he lives thousands of miles away but still the scent of lilies wafting down the hall is lovely.

And the gimpy foot is indeed fractured. According to the doctor who was looking at the xrays, it is an old fracture. If you call one week OLD then that would be it, because I have never had something like this happen. And it was only 10 days ago that it started to hurt. Sitting next to me is a brand new pair of crutches so hopefully it will be easier to move around until it heals. The cane was fine but this feels much more stable to me.

I did sleep better last night too and woke up in a much better frame of mind. Still not really doing anything work wise nor am I writing but at least I am not sitting in a puddle of tears anymore. Groan........

The weather has turned and now we do indeed have summer. I noticed LOTS of sunburns running around today and yesterday I even got burned. Don't do that much anymore but the sun felt extra hot so perhaps that global warming thing is real.....ya think.

Not much else to report so be well.

emotional meltdown

So this little invalid is feeling just that........ IN VALID....if you know what I mean. I am feeling like a caged animal but will be trying to head down to the beach to catch some rays as I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that sitting in the sun with help. Lots of tears this morning - tears of sadness, frustration, pain, and perhaps a little anger. Not quite sure who or what the anger is directed to but wherever it is coming from I wish it would cease and desist. No I take that back. I know who I am angry with and that is not going to help me at all as it is not this persons fault.

I allowed myself to believe a fantasy and became delusional. Yes I did and now that I have been stopped in my tracks because of this delusion and I truly believe that this is why the foot thing has manifested, I am having to look at how that situation with this person came into being in the first place. And now looking up at the first line here I see that I am feeling In Valid. Now that I think about it, the situation that I am releasing myself from only reinforced this feeling from the very beginning. So, there is no rational reason for me to be blaming someone else for my emotional meltdown as I brought it into my life.........I should have been a shrink...

Won't be able to do my normal Wednesday routine either and that also frustrates me. There is it again.......frustration. I guess that is the main emotion that is coursing through me. Frustration at not being able to walk. Frustration at not being able to clear some things with some people. Frustration at not being able to go to my normal Wednesday place since the hills there make it impossible for me to manouver around. Just plain and simple frustration at the perceived injustice of my current situation. And then a friend says to me "Katrice. You are just being guided to BE with your self so relax and do it." And that brings me to another thought.

What is it about me that has such a hard time being with me and just me. I know that others enjoy my company but I find it so hard - in fact I dread having to be with me and me alone for long periods of time. I know friends who take themselves on vacation and have a wonderful time. I have a hard time taking myself out for coffee. What is that all about? Retorical question of course but I'm sure some of you have ideas as to what that IS all about.

I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself and I still can't get the results of the xrays from yesterday morning. At least then I'll know what is going on. A part of me would love it if this pain (the physical one) would simply disappear with some deep revelation on my part but unfortunately that might be a tad delusional. Of course our physical pain is just a reflection of a deeper wound that resides within. The left foot relates to our feminine side and the nurturing aspects of that. Perhaps I am in need of a little nurturance myself and as I sit writing this I realize that this is true.

I have no problem giving of myself completely to others but when push comes to shove, I hold myself back from actually receiving from others and then I get upset because I need help. Hmmmmm, I need help. Interesting that I just wrote that. And there are people in my life, or at least on the periphery, who are offering help and love and assist. Because of what I have just stepped out of personally, I am holding these beings at bay as there is the trust issue coming up to bite me on the butt. I have a hard time believing that these people are really going to be there for me without expecting something in return. And that brings me to unconditional. Have I been unconditional with my feelings and gestures or have I been expecting something from the gifts that I share? And unfortunately therein might just be the problem.

But I'm babbling here so I shall go and make myself something to eat and see about heading to the beach to lick my wounds.

sigh..........

fine pickle I find myself in NOW......

Well, drat. Here I sit because I am now no longer able to put ANY pressure on my foot. It is really sore now. My friend just came over and we were going to head out for a bite to eat but when I stood up from here to get ready, my foot screamed REALLY LOUD at me and I just sat back down. Hmmmmmm, I thought let's try this again but No - I now am going to have to realize that I can't walk at the moment.

Another friend did however just call and let me know that she just had HER CANE returned from someone else who had borrowed it. SO, now I get to walk around not only being eccentric but LOOKING like it too. The wild redheaded writer with her cane. Watch out! She might smack you.

I am also going to have to get some of those "holey" shoes that everyone else is wearing these days. I might even get some of them with the wild flourescent colours for "dress up". Should be an interesting summer.

I also sent out some queries letters regarding submitting articles to magazines. Joined a site that caters to writers and allows you to essentially blog to a LARGE steady group of people who are already reading it daily. So the enforced sitting will surely turn out to be a God Send. And as we all know by now, if it is sent by God, it's gotta be good.......big grin.

On another note, I ended it with the bad boy/man. Not that he is intrinsically bad but he IS for me and so I am finally able to end it. Was interesting too because this time (and there have been numerous attempts made to end it in the past) as I wrote the letter, I felt this incredible calm come over me. I knew that I had finally decided to become a champion of myself instead of whatever it was that I was with that Soul.

I am a very loving being and there has been this tendancy over the past number of years to find someone to "help and nourish and nurture". That is fine when raising children, but in a potential partner, it is a recipe for disaster. I give and of course who wouldn't want to receive but then again, there are some who are not willing to receive to the depth that I can give. But in the end, I have come to the realization that it is me that I am meant to partner with and then, if it is part of the plan, my Partner Soul will arive.

So big day it appears. My buddy has gone OUT to pick us up some food and she just called from the store to see which colour of those holey shoes I want. She is a very VERY good friend.

Signing off and feeling much clearer about what is next. Hope all is well with you all.

Big hugs from Vancouver

searching for meaning in my life

And that is what I am searching for. I wrote in my last post that I was not sure exactly what it is that I am searching for and like it or not, I am still trying to find my place within it all......LIFE that is.

It always amazes me that I am still seeking for that elusive something that will give me the meaning that I am wanting to understand about me and this journey I am on. How I yearn to be simply satisfied each morning when I awake but there is always this part of me that is still NOT satisfied. It has been this way most of my life. Did I start out satisfied? I'm sure I must have been at one time but I still remember as a little girl sitting off on the sidelines watching others and sensing that for one reason or the other, I was not a part of it all. Anybody else feel that sensation? I'm sure there must be many of you out there too who have felt that you are somehow different from the others. There are so many of us like this.

BUT, with all this soul searching that I have been forced to do while sitting with my foot elevated, iced and resting.......BLEH.......I have finally come up with the next writing project.

I have decided to go back to the Inspirational writing that first got my attention all those years ago. Writing the erotica, while it might have been exciting and definitely got the blood pumping, just seemed to leave me in this wasteland of sensations and thoughts and it didn't leave me feeling good about myself at all. Sure it was good writing and I am proud of what I wrote but, at the end of the day, I felt like one of the characters that I was writing about and SHE didn't feel aligned with who I am in my heart and Soul.

So, now that I have THAT out of my system, I can start to focus on articles that will enlighten and encourage outers to step into their Higher aspects just as I am stepping more fully into mine. If any of you have any suggestions as to publications that you think I should consider submitting articles to, please send them my way. I would appreciate it. I have a number of publications in the Vancouver, Canada area, but I would like to send them off to other parts of the world too so feel free to let me in on where you would like to see me IN PRINT.....smile

We are now into the second half of this year......I can't believe it. I am choosing to believe that this next half will be the one where I do finally find the beauty and magic in my life that I am waiting to anchor into.

And on another note, that friend that I was very close to, who found out that his cancer has returned, has chosen NOT to allow me to assist with the healing work that I do. That hurt me probably more than anything else that he could have ever done to me. He of course doesn't get it but it has made it much easier to distance myself from him. Being a Healer and knowing the power that flows through me, it has been quite hard when I am not able to assist another. But, at the end of the day, it is his choice and I can now step back and allow him to follow the path that he has chosen. He is NOT my responsibility and I can now let it go. The Love can still flow to him but I need to realize that I can not force anyone to accept healing if that is not their choice. And I am at Peace with this.

It has been quite a time these past few days. But it feels good.

Have a wonderful day and be in Peace.

Namaste

moving into the Higher Realms

Hmmmm, I read that my work involves helping others move into the higher realms while traversing this life in 3d. Interesting that I am having a rather hard time at the moment. I just love how the Universe gets our attention when we fail to pay attention on our own.

Turns out that I might have a stress fracture in my left foot. For all of you who understand the correlation to body parts and emotions, have a field day gang.......

I realize that I have not been moving forward in as timely a manner as I might be. Allowing myself to be held back by situations that are not for my highest growth at all. Funny, or maybe NOT, but it always comes back to me that I teach that which I am most needing to learn for myself. Not that I don't assist many on their own paths but there always come those times when I am in need of others to assist me. And I am happy to report that I am not feeling guilty at all about admitting that I too am human and as such have human foibles. Not that I like to admit to being like everyone else.......grin

But this foot thing is certainly meaning that I can't go galavanting off in search of others to distract me........from me. I must admit that it does feel better when I keep off it and of course that is exactly what the doctor said I should be doing. Maybe if I really get it together, I can connect with the Angels and ask them to send me some work because when I have work to keep me occupied, I have no need to go off in search of whatever I seem to be searching for.

Whatever am I searching for? And that will be the main topic of my connection with said Angels. I have a friend of swears by the assistance that she gets from her Angels. It works too so I am at a loss as to why I don't follow her lead.

I think that is what I am going to do right now. Go into meditation and connect big time.

Talk to you later.

guilt is a wasted emotion

So I am NOT going to feel guilty for not writing or at least that is what I am telling myself but at the end of the day, I am a tad annoyed that I have stepped back from my daily blogs. Having a hard time getting focused these days, on a number of different levels. Stepping back from some situations and opening up to new ones and at the end of the day, much is shifting in my world.

Finishing the manuscript was a big thing for me but I foolishly thought that I could jump right back into the pages and start creating something brand new but unfortunately, I just havne't figured out what it is that I want to work on right now.

I have a ton of material that could be compiled and put together for an inspirational book but the laziness factor kicks in and I balk. I have a BIG 243 page manuscript of a semi-autobiographical novel that I could resurrect and I am sitting here looking at the big Yellow file that contains the hard copy. THAT would be the best thing for me to do for my own growth, but will it bring in any money at this time? Uh, no! And I do need to focus on the manifesting of abundance so that brings me to little short stories but on what topic.

The novelette that I did complete and send was not one of the THREE that they chose. THREE! Sheesh........I thought that an anthology would have WAY more than simply 3 stories in it but that appears to not be true in that case. I need to resubmit that one to other publishers and perhaps that should be the next thing for me to do.

So you see, there are a ton of different possibilities for the writer in me to tackle but.....sigh.....the creative surge just seems to have fizzled at the moment. Hmmmmmm

This time of year is really slow as well for the work that I do but I am hopeful that it will soon start to shift as I am having some pretty incredible breakthroughs with a couple of new clients, one of whom is my daughter. And that is a completely AWESOME turn of events. You see, both Brie (my daughter) and I have had a rather out of balance relationship for the past couple of years. When she called and asked me to do a session on her I was thrilled and she even accepted that there would probably be some emotional cleansing to work through concerning her and I. And it was a great session. She no longer needs to go to the chiropractor and yesterday she had another session and once again, she felt great. Once a week sessions is now what she is wanting to experience and methinks she is going to become one of my biggest promoters. In fact, today her personal trainer is also coming for a session because of how much better Brie was after just one session. Wish me luck as this is the work that I am wanting to focus on and all I need to do is keep the clients coming which will ease the pressure on me to get back into the creative mode.

And for those of you who are not aware of what these sessions are all about, feel free to contact me. I am also available to do distant/remote healing using all the same gifts that are used when I do a personal one on one session. That's it for my own self promotion but I would love to help any of you who are currently experiencing pain, whether it is physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. Wonderful results within a very short time too so not something that you have to use your life savings for........big grin.

So there.......words on the page and I am going to get myself more organized and make sure to use my time wisely from now on, or at least that is the plan.

Blessings to you all.

Return of the disappearing Blogger

PHEW........3 whole days and nothing written. It has been a rather busy few days though so I don't feel TOO guilty. It is not like I have been sitting here with a whatever up my hoop doing nothing.

Ended up doing a Vibrational Healing session on my daughter and she is MUCH better thank you. What a blessing for the both of us to be able to work though some old deep stuff from a place of love and acceptance. I know that she was feeling slightly "odd" when we first started to do the work but after a while, she got into it and it was a wonderful synergy of energy that flowed between her and me and the Universe. Felt better than she had in weeks and the problem that she arrived with was nowhere in evidence even when I connected with her last night at her birthday party.

And my nights have been full too - every day this week now that I look back on it. Seems that I have been bringing in a lot of social engagements and while it is fun and takes you off into a wonderful world of bliss, being out there entails not being in here....inside me I mean and then, being able to share THAT with you all.

Lots of interesting people coming into my life these days too and these new entries into the world of Katrice take up time as well.

And now my day is almost half way through and I hate to admit it but I have thoroughly enjoyed myself just floating along getting bits and pieces of things accomplished. Moving forward but not FAST - cruising altitude I would say.

Have a wonderful Sunday and know that I am going to make a concerted effort to get back at it again....the writing that is. For I do enjoy this.

Blessings and Namaste