thoughts on receiving

Didn't sleep much last night and trying to get a handle on how I am feeling today. Received an email from my "friend" and he is concerned about my stability. MY stability....... Does he not understand how his illness is affecting me? I guess he feels that since he is able to compartmentalize that I should be able to put my feelings up on a shelf and forget about him. So the only thing left for me to do is back off and stop trying to help so much. This is one of my life lessons to be sure.

I tend to want to charge in and fix things or at the very least have a hand in bringing things to a positive and happy resolution. But like it or not, there are those who are not wanting to receive all that I offer. Sad actually....not so much for them but for me. You see, much of who I am has always been that of the GIVER. Receiving has always been harder for me. Of course now with this latest development I am chomping at the bit to get going. But I have been given a red light. Stop and let it be. He has made it clear that he does not want me to be so intent on helping. Not a surprise actually even though when he is with me, he is very able to receive all that I give. But when he leaves, I am put back on the shelf until he has time for me or chooses to be available for me and my loving minstrations.

I know that if I don't step back from this, I will find myself getting sick and that will not be a good thing at all. With my friends illness, I realize that he has his loved ones around and does not really need me. That made me wonder what would happen should I get sick down the road. I have not been very good at maintaining friendships with others and there is no significant other in my life. Who would really show up for me should I succumb to some serious illness? Not that I am wanting to project something adverse happening to me, but it does make you think.

Not a very uplifting message for this morning for which I apologize but at the end of the day, I think that I have this blog for me. Sharing it with others, whether or not I get any feedback at all, somehow makes me feel like there are others who are there for me. Now I am sounding rather plaintive aren't I?

Hope you have a joy filled day full of wonderful surprises. That is what I am projecting for me this day.

Blessings