So something good has occurred. My father is being moved into a Care Centre today and it has a really good energy so I, for one, am feeling better. I took a quick tour of it the other day and the people who work there are all wonderful......lots of smiling faces and good energy. I did hear however that my father is really pissed off at the transitional until where he has been residing for the past 2 months. All these changes are extremely difficult for him and he is lashing out.
I am having a rather time maintaining my centre and finally phoned my own doctor and am going to see about getting something that will help me sleep through the night and perhaps find a counsellor to help with not only my father but with the problems that are going on with my kids, the ex husband, the ex boyfriend and all of the old stuff that is coming to the surface. A hard time for sure and let's not forget that it is all coming to a head during the upswing for Christmas. I have to get to some place of balance before Christmas because it is going to be a lonely one for me. Again, not saying that so people go Awwwww, poor you. Just a fact.
Life is certainly interesting. I am finding that I am really wanting someone or some ones to come and help me come to a better place but as I keep reaching out and they keep either pushing back or not even responding, I am left knowing that this is a time of inner reflection and also a time where I am being forced to come to the realization that at the end of the day, we are on our own. I wish that there were a circle of friends who could come to make me feel safe and supported but most of the people that I do spend time with all have their own issues and not one of them is available to help me as they are having a hard time managing their own lives.
I guess there are some others that I could reach out to but, I don't know about you but, when I have so many that I consider close friends and relatives who are pushing me away, it makes it really hard to reach out to new people.......I guess I am fearful that EVERY one will push me away.
Glad that I called the doctor and hopefully this time I will be able to finally come to grips with whatever the core issue is for me.
anyway, sorry for dumping but then again......this is my blog and chances are that no one is reading it anyway.
groan.......
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
more revelations
My blog the past few days has been coming to the realization that it is no longer appropriate for me to be looking for others to help me to come into my own. It is only through my own actions directly affecting MY life that I will be able to move to the next level of my particular journey.
I am a healer and the past few months I have had many people in my life push me away saying that they do not wish to receive what it is that I wish to extend to them. Two of them are transitioning through Cancer and to be pushed away and not allowed to HELP them has been devastating for me. How can a Healer heal if those who are in need will not accept the gift that is freely offered? It has been one of the hardest times of my life. These people are relatives, old loves, children........it has felt like I have been pushed out the door and left on my own with no one there to receive ME.
So, what I had just finally realized is that perhaps all this giving of mine was not un-conditional. Perhaps I had been doing so in the hopes that I would receive love in return. But I did not. And so, I am reminded again that it is not in what you receive, it is all in what you give. While I feel that I am offering myself from my heart and this I know to be true, my poor little heart has been wishing to receive from others. In giving I had thought I would automatically receive but this is not the case.
Thank God/Goddess for my writing ability as the past few days have been ones of deeper inner reflection and with each passing hour, I am feeling better. Understanding me a little better and allowing myself to go through this time of confusion knowing that I am emerging out the other side, stronger and more readily able to live the life that is before me - as one being on my own.
It has been a lonely journey of late but I am feeling the universal Love that is ever present as I sit here typing away and I know that this too shall pass........and I will be all the better for it.
I wish you blessings of infinite abundance.
I am a healer and the past few months I have had many people in my life push me away saying that they do not wish to receive what it is that I wish to extend to them. Two of them are transitioning through Cancer and to be pushed away and not allowed to HELP them has been devastating for me. How can a Healer heal if those who are in need will not accept the gift that is freely offered? It has been one of the hardest times of my life. These people are relatives, old loves, children........it has felt like I have been pushed out the door and left on my own with no one there to receive ME.
So, what I had just finally realized is that perhaps all this giving of mine was not un-conditional. Perhaps I had been doing so in the hopes that I would receive love in return. But I did not. And so, I am reminded again that it is not in what you receive, it is all in what you give. While I feel that I am offering myself from my heart and this I know to be true, my poor little heart has been wishing to receive from others. In giving I had thought I would automatically receive but this is not the case.
Thank God/Goddess for my writing ability as the past few days have been ones of deeper inner reflection and with each passing hour, I am feeling better. Understanding me a little better and allowing myself to go through this time of confusion knowing that I am emerging out the other side, stronger and more readily able to live the life that is before me - as one being on my own.
It has been a lonely journey of late but I am feeling the universal Love that is ever present as I sit here typing away and I know that this too shall pass........and I will be all the better for it.
I wish you blessings of infinite abundance.
coming into an understanding of what IS...
So I made it through the weekend and while there were many MANY times that sadness descended upon me I woke up this morning with a new understanding of how I work.
Most of the angst that I have been going through is because I want to be accepted and allowed to share all that I AM. But at the end of the day, we all know that we can not force anyone to accept us if they are choosing to distance themselves from us. I kept pushing and since I know how much I do help those who ask for it I thought that everyone would be able to accept me and all that I bring to the table. This is simply not the case.
The fact that my ex-husband is not wanting to see me as he is transitioning could be for a number of reasons. We have been apart for over 20 years but there has not been any animosity between us for most of that time. We both knew that we were not a good fit anymore when we split and I have always maintained a friendly disposition when I have seen him. He even came to my second wedding and wished me well. We were not close but we could always be civil to one another. My sadness at this time comes from ME not being able to be there for him. And at the end of the day, I need to stop being so focussed on what it is that I want and be cognizant of what the other person wants. It is NOT about me at this time, it is about him or her or the other person.
I guess that the fact that there are numerous people in my sphere who are in various forms of distress, that are shutting me out, has made it so much more in my face. A BIG lesson is upon me at this time.
It is time for me to stop being constantly there for everyone else and start to pay attention to me. The fact that I am not allowed to be there for others should not be taken personally but BOY OH BOY it sure does feel personal.
It is now time for me to be ME for ME.
I have a feeling that I will return here later in the day but for now this feels right.
Have an awesome day and know that you are blessed.
Most of the angst that I have been going through is because I want to be accepted and allowed to share all that I AM. But at the end of the day, we all know that we can not force anyone to accept us if they are choosing to distance themselves from us. I kept pushing and since I know how much I do help those who ask for it I thought that everyone would be able to accept me and all that I bring to the table. This is simply not the case.
The fact that my ex-husband is not wanting to see me as he is transitioning could be for a number of reasons. We have been apart for over 20 years but there has not been any animosity between us for most of that time. We both knew that we were not a good fit anymore when we split and I have always maintained a friendly disposition when I have seen him. He even came to my second wedding and wished me well. We were not close but we could always be civil to one another. My sadness at this time comes from ME not being able to be there for him. And at the end of the day, I need to stop being so focussed on what it is that I want and be cognizant of what the other person wants. It is NOT about me at this time, it is about him or her or the other person.
I guess that the fact that there are numerous people in my sphere who are in various forms of distress, that are shutting me out, has made it so much more in my face. A BIG lesson is upon me at this time.
It is time for me to stop being constantly there for everyone else and start to pay attention to me. The fact that I am not allowed to be there for others should not be taken personally but BOY OH BOY it sure does feel personal.
It is now time for me to be ME for ME.
I have a feeling that I will return here later in the day but for now this feels right.
Have an awesome day and know that you are blessed.
Friday, November 16, 2007
The ultimate giver and nourisher
One of those many people that I wish to assist at this time is my ex husband. He is currently on the losing end of his battle with cancer and I had offered to come and do what I do. Give of the energy and hopefully in that space give him a respite from the pain that he is suffering. His girlfriend had been my oldest girlfriend since high school and it was me that connected them a few years ago as I knew that they had always gotten along even when I had been married to him. Unfortunately now that she is with him, my place in her life has been pushed rather out of the picture but still I connect and of course now that her beloved is preparing to transition to another realm, I am wanting to be there for her.
I have been trying to connect with her for the past few weeks as they had to come down to Vancouver since they were living up country and the treatment facilities there were not adequate for his needs. But they came down here over 2 months ago and still we had not connected. I have been trying to not let it affect me but it has. Anyway, this morning I once again tried to set up some time to come and visit and she said that she has been very busy with all her "friends" who are coming to spend time with her and that there just has not been any time for her and I. Still I tried not to be affected by the fact that she is obviously NOT looking at me (who had been her friend for over 40 years) as one of those friends. She has been down in my neighbourhood several times but not one of those times has she chosen to connect. I think I understand it but in my heart there is pain at once again not being allowed to help or assist someone in pain.
My ex had said that he would welcome some healing energy from me when he came down here but now today, she said that he does not want to even see me......ouch! So once again, the giver and nourisher is being shut out of the picture. It is interesting that all of this is all coming down the shoot now as my father is transitioning and the man that I had been involved with (who is also in his own battle with cancer...what's up with this picture) has also chosen to step away from me and not allow my assistance at this time. I'm amazed that I can write all of this and not get all teary eyed. Am I getting stronger or simply numb. I don't know.
I know that my daughter is going through a lot of pain during this time too with her grandfather getting frailer and frailer by the day and her father wasting away but she has also chosen to step out of my life over the past few months when it would seem that she would need her mother more than ever. But no. No communications with her either for the past month or so. Again shut out of the life of someone that I love and care for. I keep trying to figure out what is going on with all of these people distancing themselves from me and while I know that I should not be taking it personally, there is a part of me that wonders what I could have done wrong, other than to offer my help and love. It is a curious state of affairs for sure.
I was doing some cleaning of my house today which is always a good thing when there are emotional issues pulling at me. On my fridge I have a number of different inspirational sayings and one of them fell to me feet and as I picked it up I realized that it had a huge message for me this morning. I would like to be able to give credit to whoever wrote it and I apologize to the author but if by chance you, who are reading this right now are said author, I say thank you. Anyway, here it is... It is called the Gift of the Self.
It is only by honouring your own creational being that you honour all that is holy, all that is divine and all that is earth. Do not wait, hoping someone will give you what your heart seeks.. Give yourself what others in your life have not been able to give you. Do not shun them for not bringing you the gifts. The gift you give is the gift to yourself, of yourself, for yourself and by yourself. That gift is the remembrance that you are holy and born from the heavens. Through honouring yourself you enter into the Christ heart within your being and you will then rise to the next level of your light. But it is ONLY through honouring your own divinity that you will be able to access this portal.
Hmmmmmmm, quite something isn't it.
So for today, I shall simply step back and allow whatever is meant to come to me to do so. I shall not push or prod others any longer. It has gotten me no where and only causes me to think less of me than I should.
I know that I am a being of LIGHT and I also know that I do help many many people but it is time for me to stop offering my self where she is not wanted.
Today will be one of quiet solitude and perhaps tomorrow, I shall feel more like me. For today I am feeling rather lost.
May you yourself have a day of joyful abundance on all levels.
I have been trying to connect with her for the past few weeks as they had to come down to Vancouver since they were living up country and the treatment facilities there were not adequate for his needs. But they came down here over 2 months ago and still we had not connected. I have been trying to not let it affect me but it has. Anyway, this morning I once again tried to set up some time to come and visit and she said that she has been very busy with all her "friends" who are coming to spend time with her and that there just has not been any time for her and I. Still I tried not to be affected by the fact that she is obviously NOT looking at me (who had been her friend for over 40 years) as one of those friends. She has been down in my neighbourhood several times but not one of those times has she chosen to connect. I think I understand it but in my heart there is pain at once again not being allowed to help or assist someone in pain.
My ex had said that he would welcome some healing energy from me when he came down here but now today, she said that he does not want to even see me......ouch! So once again, the giver and nourisher is being shut out of the picture. It is interesting that all of this is all coming down the shoot now as my father is transitioning and the man that I had been involved with (who is also in his own battle with cancer...what's up with this picture) has also chosen to step away from me and not allow my assistance at this time. I'm amazed that I can write all of this and not get all teary eyed. Am I getting stronger or simply numb. I don't know.
I know that my daughter is going through a lot of pain during this time too with her grandfather getting frailer and frailer by the day and her father wasting away but she has also chosen to step out of my life over the past few months when it would seem that she would need her mother more than ever. But no. No communications with her either for the past month or so. Again shut out of the life of someone that I love and care for. I keep trying to figure out what is going on with all of these people distancing themselves from me and while I know that I should not be taking it personally, there is a part of me that wonders what I could have done wrong, other than to offer my help and love. It is a curious state of affairs for sure.
I was doing some cleaning of my house today which is always a good thing when there are emotional issues pulling at me. On my fridge I have a number of different inspirational sayings and one of them fell to me feet and as I picked it up I realized that it had a huge message for me this morning. I would like to be able to give credit to whoever wrote it and I apologize to the author but if by chance you, who are reading this right now are said author, I say thank you. Anyway, here it is... It is called the Gift of the Self.
It is only by honouring your own creational being that you honour all that is holy, all that is divine and all that is earth. Do not wait, hoping someone will give you what your heart seeks.. Give yourself what others in your life have not been able to give you. Do not shun them for not bringing you the gifts. The gift you give is the gift to yourself, of yourself, for yourself and by yourself. That gift is the remembrance that you are holy and born from the heavens. Through honouring yourself you enter into the Christ heart within your being and you will then rise to the next level of your light. But it is ONLY through honouring your own divinity that you will be able to access this portal.
Hmmmmmmm, quite something isn't it.
So for today, I shall simply step back and allow whatever is meant to come to me to do so. I shall not push or prod others any longer. It has gotten me no where and only causes me to think less of me than I should.
I know that I am a being of LIGHT and I also know that I do help many many people but it is time for me to stop offering my self where she is not wanted.
Today will be one of quiet solitude and perhaps tomorrow, I shall feel more like me. For today I am feeling rather lost.
May you yourself have a day of joyful abundance on all levels.
katrice's ramblings with a couple of A HA's thrown in
For the past little while I have been finding myself getting tireder (if that is even a word.....groan) and tireder (but I'll use it again because I'm sure you will all understand what I am saying) and throughout it all I have been talking about all the discordant energy "around" me and today it finally hit me. Sigh....no biggie here.....but it has nothing whatsoever to do with all the energies out there AROUND me but what it is that I am feeling INSIDE of me. It has been a very humbling experience to say the least.
I have so much to draw from when in this state yet still I fail to fully embark upon the next phase of the journey, as it were. I have been simply floating through my life - and I am being brutally honest here as I need to hear this - but this way of being is finally getting to me. I have been waiting for this to happen or waiting for that to dissolve instead of choosing the direction that I need to be going for ME and only for me. At the end of the day, all this waiting around has only made me feel less than and frustrated. And I suppose a little disappointed in me, myself and I.
Now I am not sitting here crying or trying to bum anyone else out there who might have inadvertantly happened upon my idle ramblings. Well, perhaps not exactly IDLE ramblings but I am just allowing whatever I need to write the freedom to appear and when doing so, I try not to edit the thoughts as they appear.
However, I do know that there are many , many MANY others of you out there who are going through your own particular Dark Night of the Soul as this is what I now understand it to be. So much going on all around you and your attention is diverted many, many times a day towards the situations AROUND you of which you really have absolutely NO control, but within which you are currently enmired (again, a questionable word!!) and somehow vibrating with. And as I write this - you see I AM my own teacher - I now realize that I have been allowing my self to lose my centre as I reach out all around me to be of assistance.
There I did it again. I also just realized that I offer my assistance to everyone and I need to understand that not everyone WANTS my assistance regardless of how helpful it might be. And that I just realized is the main problem with my current state. There are a number of people that I wish to share with who not wish to share with me.
And a sadness settles down upon me.
But also a sense of relief as I now realize that THIS is a big piece of my own personal puzzle. I keep saying that I attract the men that I do because I feel that I am there to HELP them move to their next level and then, when they are not wishing to receive all that I AM, I take offense. I look at everyone as someone to help or mother.....there I said it. I guess I need to feel needed and that is what I felt as a young mother.
I remember when I used to nurse my firstborn, I felt more powerful and in control than at any other time in my life. I was giving life. I was the ultimate nourisher. This being in my arms looked up to me as I had given him life. And as he suckled at my breast, I was giving him his perfectly blended nourishment as blended within this physical body. I was the ultimate giver and nourisher and here I am, all these many years later still wishing to be doing the same but this time, with everyone.
That last paragraph got to me. I will continue this particular discourse at a later date.
Be well everyone.
I have so much to draw from when in this state yet still I fail to fully embark upon the next phase of the journey, as it were. I have been simply floating through my life - and I am being brutally honest here as I need to hear this - but this way of being is finally getting to me. I have been waiting for this to happen or waiting for that to dissolve instead of choosing the direction that I need to be going for ME and only for me. At the end of the day, all this waiting around has only made me feel less than and frustrated. And I suppose a little disappointed in me, myself and I.
Now I am not sitting here crying or trying to bum anyone else out there who might have inadvertantly happened upon my idle ramblings. Well, perhaps not exactly IDLE ramblings but I am just allowing whatever I need to write the freedom to appear and when doing so, I try not to edit the thoughts as they appear.
However, I do know that there are many , many MANY others of you out there who are going through your own particular Dark Night of the Soul as this is what I now understand it to be. So much going on all around you and your attention is diverted many, many times a day towards the situations AROUND you of which you really have absolutely NO control, but within which you are currently enmired (again, a questionable word!!) and somehow vibrating with. And as I write this - you see I AM my own teacher - I now realize that I have been allowing my self to lose my centre as I reach out all around me to be of assistance.
There I did it again. I also just realized that I offer my assistance to everyone and I need to understand that not everyone WANTS my assistance regardless of how helpful it might be. And that I just realized is the main problem with my current state. There are a number of people that I wish to share with who not wish to share with me.
And a sadness settles down upon me.
But also a sense of relief as I now realize that THIS is a big piece of my own personal puzzle. I keep saying that I attract the men that I do because I feel that I am there to HELP them move to their next level and then, when they are not wishing to receive all that I AM, I take offense. I look at everyone as someone to help or mother.....there I said it. I guess I need to feel needed and that is what I felt as a young mother.
I remember when I used to nurse my firstborn, I felt more powerful and in control than at any other time in my life. I was giving life. I was the ultimate nourisher. This being in my arms looked up to me as I had given him life. And as he suckled at my breast, I was giving him his perfectly blended nourishment as blended within this physical body. I was the ultimate giver and nourisher and here I am, all these many years later still wishing to be doing the same but this time, with everyone.
That last paragraph got to me. I will continue this particular discourse at a later date.
Be well everyone.
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