katrice's ramblings with a couple of A HA's thrown in

For the past little while I have been finding myself getting tireder (if that is even a word.....groan) and tireder (but I'll use it again because I'm sure you will all understand what I am saying) and throughout it all I have been talking about all the discordant energy "around" me and today it finally hit me. Sigh....no biggie here.....but it has nothing whatsoever to do with all the energies out there AROUND me but what it is that I am feeling INSIDE of me. It has been a very humbling experience to say the least.

I have so much to draw from when in this state yet still I fail to fully embark upon the next phase of the journey, as it were. I have been simply floating through my life - and I am being brutally honest here as I need to hear this - but this way of being is finally getting to me. I have been waiting for this to happen or waiting for that to dissolve instead of choosing the direction that I need to be going for ME and only for me. At the end of the day, all this waiting around has only made me feel less than and frustrated. And I suppose a little disappointed in me, myself and I.

Now I am not sitting here crying or trying to bum anyone else out there who might have inadvertantly happened upon my idle ramblings. Well, perhaps not exactly IDLE ramblings but I am just allowing whatever I need to write the freedom to appear and when doing so, I try not to edit the thoughts as they appear.

However, I do know that there are many , many MANY others of you out there who are going through your own particular Dark Night of the Soul as this is what I now understand it to be. So much going on all around you and your attention is diverted many, many times a day towards the situations AROUND you of which you really have absolutely NO control, but within which you are currently enmired (again, a questionable word!!) and somehow vibrating with. And as I write this - you see I AM my own teacher - I now realize that I have been allowing my self to lose my centre as I reach out all around me to be of assistance.

There I did it again. I also just realized that I offer my assistance to everyone and I need to understand that not everyone WANTS my assistance regardless of how helpful it might be. And that I just realized is the main problem with my current state. There are a number of people that I wish to share with who not wish to share with me.

And a sadness settles down upon me.

But also a sense of relief as I now realize that THIS is a big piece of my own personal puzzle. I keep saying that I attract the men that I do because I feel that I am there to HELP them move to their next level and then, when they are not wishing to receive all that I AM, I take offense. I look at everyone as someone to help or mother.....there I said it. I guess I need to feel needed and that is what I felt as a young mother.

I remember when I used to nurse my firstborn, I felt more powerful and in control than at any other time in my life. I was giving life. I was the ultimate nourisher. This being in my arms looked up to me as I had given him life. And as he suckled at my breast, I was giving him his perfectly blended nourishment as blended within this physical body. I was the ultimate giver and nourisher and here I am, all these many years later still wishing to be doing the same but this time, with everyone.

That last paragraph got to me. I will continue this particular discourse at a later date.

Be well everyone.