Well the weather outside my window this morning is certainly a far cry from yesterday. It does tend to influence how one feels upon awakening...or at least it influences me. Yesterday with the beautiful sunshine and fresh air I felt alive and full of life. This morning however, with the dreariness outside, I do find that I am feeling low. Of course waking up on Christmas morning without the sounds of others moving around, and without a gluttony of gifts under a tree makes it feel somehow less, if that is how I could describe it.
I remember when I was married and the kids were young how much I loved wrapping presents and preparing for the arrival of all of the people who tended to have Christmas dinner at MY house. The turkey preparation and the anticipation of friends coming over and calling was a wonderful feeling. Now, however, with everyone having their own lives and friends scattered all over the place, it is much quieter. And of course, living on my own in a smaller space without the room for a tree, means the the excitement of Christmas is somehow lost for me.
I will be heading over shortly however to pick up my father from the home to bring him here for our little Christmas celebration. I bought him a couple of little presents so that he has something to open and then we will have a special brunch. He can then sit and phone his siblings from my phone while I prepare a dish to take to a friend's house for dinner later today. I will be sharing the Christmas feast with a friend, her 87 year old father and her sister and daughter. I am hoping that my daughter will join us but she is still remaining distant from me and while I wish there was not this distancing from her, I am learning to accept it. I do have to admit however that it still saddens me, especially at this time of year.
I know that there are many people who are distanced from their families but I never EVER imagined that it would be this way with my children and me. But then again, everything for a reason I guess and I will simply have to remain centered within my own being and know that there is nothing that I have done to warrant this - it is her stuff and I need to respect her decisions at this time. We are talking and that is a step in the right direction but as you all know for me to not be able to share me with others, it has certainly been a hard time. I only hope that she moves through this and comes to feel more open with me once again.
My son is over in Europe with his girlfriend and her family. A huge gathering in the South of France with 3 generations all gathered in one big house. I envy him and the wondrous celebration that he is involved in. But again I am missing him. I have not spent many Christmases with him these past few years and I would love to be able to give him a hug and say hey, I am so grateful for the way that you have grown into the wonderful man that you are now. There is some sadness there too in that his girlfriend does not appreciate the close bond that we used to share and has managed to put some distancing between he and I as well.
I apologize here for sounding so blah this morning but this is my blog and I can spew whatever feelings are brewing. It helps me to get it out and I know that once I do, I generally feel better. Part of me feels that I should just delete this but then again, I feel that no one is really reading it anyway so what would be the point. This is how I am feeling and that's that.
But at the end of the day, it IS Christmas and I do wish for you all a good day with lots of laughter and joy flowing all around.
Namaste
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