REALLY slow today

Not feeling up to snuff AT ALL this morning. Again dreams plagued me and I just could not sleep. I am having thoughts about things that are keeping me down and while I know that all I have to do is "stop it", I am having a hard time. It is funny how our mind can keep us captive in places that we have no need to be. Coming to Kauai felt like the perfect thing for me to be doing. I forgot how deep we can go here and all that we are trying to keep down, comes rushing to the surface to be dealt with. DRAT.......I knew this but still I came.

The tears are right here so I guess I should spill. I don't know if this is what most people do on a blog, but since I am writing to me anyway I need to share what is happening with me. Sigh....

I fell in love with someone and here we go........sob story 101.........he was not the one for me. He let me feel such love when in his presence and we spent many times together during our 15 month "friendship", however it was all a game on his part. Interesting that at my age, I could still fall for an illusion but like it or not, I did fall and I fell hard. Never had I experienced such love or at least this little heart of mine opening completely and it was like an addiction. Five times.........yes 5 times.........I ended it only to go back for more and he was always most appreciative of my affections. But each time, a couple of days later, I was left feeling emptier than I have ever felt. It was crazy making. the reason I am sharing this is because he keeps coming into my dream time and I get the crazy feeling that he is thinking of me and wondering about me but in my heart, I think that I am only hoping that he is. He is so capable of completely distancing from others that I am sure there is someone else right now who is feeling such love as I felt.

We have all felt love and felt the loss of this same love but I have always been able to move on. This time is really hard and while I know that with time, I will move on, still I sit with tears in my eyes for something that will never be. Why do we put outselves in these positions. Yes, I know it is for the learning that we all return again and again but JEEZ, is there not a time frame for falling in love for the wrong man. I could see doing this at 20 or 30 or even 40 but I am way past any of those time frames and still I miss those times with that man. Even though each time it hurt more than the time before that.

Anyway, not the normal blog you are used to seeing here but what the heck........I am human and at times I act like it too..........smile. Just wanted to spill this out and now, I have to admit that I do feel better. A little sad but better.

I'm sure I will write something more uplifting later in the day but I couldn't sleep and the best way for me to work through things is through sharing. Funny but it feels easier sharing here than actually "talking" with another human face to face. They always want to give their feedback as to what I should do and like it or not, I don't feel like having someone do that right now. This is something that I am going to have to move through on my own and I'm sure I will but it is taking longer than I thought it would.

And on another note, for those of you who know who this man is.........if by chance you come across him in your travels........ahem...........would you kick him for me..........big grin......but with love of course.

Aloha