emotional meltdown

So this little invalid is feeling just that........ IN VALID....if you know what I mean. I am feeling like a caged animal but will be trying to head down to the beach to catch some rays as I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that sitting in the sun with help. Lots of tears this morning - tears of sadness, frustration, pain, and perhaps a little anger. Not quite sure who or what the anger is directed to but wherever it is coming from I wish it would cease and desist. No I take that back. I know who I am angry with and that is not going to help me at all as it is not this persons fault.

I allowed myself to believe a fantasy and became delusional. Yes I did and now that I have been stopped in my tracks because of this delusion and I truly believe that this is why the foot thing has manifested, I am having to look at how that situation with this person came into being in the first place. And now looking up at the first line here I see that I am feeling In Valid. Now that I think about it, the situation that I am releasing myself from only reinforced this feeling from the very beginning. So, there is no rational reason for me to be blaming someone else for my emotional meltdown as I brought it into my life.........I should have been a shrink...

Won't be able to do my normal Wednesday routine either and that also frustrates me. There is it again.......frustration. I guess that is the main emotion that is coursing through me. Frustration at not being able to walk. Frustration at not being able to clear some things with some people. Frustration at not being able to go to my normal Wednesday place since the hills there make it impossible for me to manouver around. Just plain and simple frustration at the perceived injustice of my current situation. And then a friend says to me "Katrice. You are just being guided to BE with your self so relax and do it." And that brings me to another thought.

What is it about me that has such a hard time being with me and just me. I know that others enjoy my company but I find it so hard - in fact I dread having to be with me and me alone for long periods of time. I know friends who take themselves on vacation and have a wonderful time. I have a hard time taking myself out for coffee. What is that all about? Retorical question of course but I'm sure some of you have ideas as to what that IS all about.

I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself and I still can't get the results of the xrays from yesterday morning. At least then I'll know what is going on. A part of me would love it if this pain (the physical one) would simply disappear with some deep revelation on my part but unfortunately that might be a tad delusional. Of course our physical pain is just a reflection of a deeper wound that resides within. The left foot relates to our feminine side and the nurturing aspects of that. Perhaps I am in need of a little nurturance myself and as I sit writing this I realize that this is true.

I have no problem giving of myself completely to others but when push comes to shove, I hold myself back from actually receiving from others and then I get upset because I need help. Hmmmmm, I need help. Interesting that I just wrote that. And there are people in my life, or at least on the periphery, who are offering help and love and assist. Because of what I have just stepped out of personally, I am holding these beings at bay as there is the trust issue coming up to bite me on the butt. I have a hard time believing that these people are really going to be there for me without expecting something in return. And that brings me to unconditional. Have I been unconditional with my feelings and gestures or have I been expecting something from the gifts that I share? And unfortunately therein might just be the problem.

But I'm babbling here so I shall go and make myself something to eat and see about heading to the beach to lick my wounds.

sigh..........