more revelations

My blog the past few days has been coming to the realization that it is no longer appropriate for me to be looking for others to help me to come into my own. It is only through my own actions directly affecting MY life that I will be able to move to the next level of my particular journey.

I am a healer and the past few months I have had many people in my life push me away saying that they do not wish to receive what it is that I wish to extend to them. Two of them are transitioning through Cancer and to be pushed away and not allowed to HELP them has been devastating for me. How can a Healer heal if those who are in need will not accept the gift that is freely offered? It has been one of the hardest times of my life. These people are relatives, old loves, children........it has felt like I have been pushed out the door and left on my own with no one there to receive ME.

So, what I had just finally realized is that perhaps all this giving of mine was not un-conditional. Perhaps I had been doing so in the hopes that I would receive love in return. But I did not. And so, I am reminded again that it is not in what you receive, it is all in what you give. While I feel that I am offering myself from my heart and this I know to be true, my poor little heart has been wishing to receive from others. In giving I had thought I would automatically receive but this is not the case.

Thank God/Goddess for my writing ability as the past few days have been ones of deeper inner reflection and with each passing hour, I am feeling better. Understanding me a little better and allowing myself to go through this time of confusion knowing that I am emerging out the other side, stronger and more readily able to live the life that is before me - as one being on my own.

It has been a lonely journey of late but I am feeling the universal Love that is ever present as I sit here typing away and I know that this too shall pass........and I will be all the better for it.

I wish you blessings of infinite abundance.

coming into an understanding of what IS...

So I made it through the weekend and while there were many MANY times that sadness descended upon me I woke up this morning with a new understanding of how I work.

Most of the angst that I have been going through is because I want to be accepted and allowed to share all that I AM. But at the end of the day, we all know that we can not force anyone to accept us if they are choosing to distance themselves from us. I kept pushing and since I know how much I do help those who ask for it I thought that everyone would be able to accept me and all that I bring to the table. This is simply not the case.

The fact that my ex-husband is not wanting to see me as he is transitioning could be for a number of reasons. We have been apart for over 20 years but there has not been any animosity between us for most of that time. We both knew that we were not a good fit anymore when we split and I have always maintained a friendly disposition when I have seen him. He even came to my second wedding and wished me well. We were not close but we could always be civil to one another. My sadness at this time comes from ME not being able to be there for him. And at the end of the day, I need to stop being so focussed on what it is that I want and be cognizant of what the other person wants. It is NOT about me at this time, it is about him or her or the other person.

I guess that the fact that there are numerous people in my sphere who are in various forms of distress, that are shutting me out, has made it so much more in my face. A BIG lesson is upon me at this time.

It is time for me to stop being constantly there for everyone else and start to pay attention to me. The fact that I am not allowed to be there for others should not be taken personally but BOY OH BOY it sure does feel personal.

It is now time for me to be ME for ME.

I have a feeling that I will return here later in the day but for now this feels right.

Have an awesome day and know that you are blessed.