The year is fast fading............Happy NEW Year to you

The year is drawing to a close. Only a few short hours to midnight and the dawn of 2009.

For the first time in years I have a special someone to share it with. As it turns out we will be ringing in the new year with my children and my son's soon to be inlaws and the rest of the motley crew. We had been invited to share in yet another huge feast with them all but I am so very tired of large amounts of food that I declined and said we would gather with them later, closer to the New Year "noise". This should help to salve the wound of not being present with both of the kids at their birthdays this year.

Had a bonding moment with my daughter last night which was totally unexpected. For some odd reason I think that she feels better knowing that her Mom has someone special in her life once more. And the fact that they all like him helps a lot.

I know that this next year will be one where I come into a place of acceptance for all of me and for all of what I once was. I do feel much softer these days. There is not that annoying edge that had been pushing and prodding me for so long. Still not completely at ease but working on it.

So as I continue readying myself for my NEW YEAR's eve I send you all blessings of infinite joy, love and abundance.

May 2009 be the year that YOU SHINE.

Namaste

Procrastination 101 and other mind boggling revelations...

Once again I have let the day turn into night and STILL, my office has not been cleaned. I don't quite understand my hesitancy to re-organize my office. Of course, just as I write this I realize it has EVERYTHING to do with my writing......or the lack of it. There is some huge blockage lurking deep inside that prevents me from just sitting down daily and writing. I mean...how hard can it be? And maybe that blockage isn't buried all that deep anyway...

I already know that I am a writer - or at least know that I am supposed to write - ahem,??? Anyway, I wonder why I do this to myself because I know that it has nothing to do with anyone or anything else.....just me.

I'm finding myself becoming more homemakery again these days. though Must be the man eh? Of course he is out of town again leaving me with all this turkey. I had thought he would be around to help me eat all the soup and turkey pies I am in the process of making. I did notice something interesting regarding eating that occurred for me the other day however.

I have a tradition of sorts where I like to make eggs benedict for breakfast on Christmas morning. I had thought Mr. Man would be breakfasting with me that morning but it did not pan out. So as the lunch hour approached and I had not yet eaten, I made eggs benedict JUST FOR ME and guess what? It might have even tasted better because I did this special thing JUST FOR ME. There is something to be said for doing things for you because you love YOU.

For me, preparing and sharing food with others is an act of love. All who become a part of my life get to share in this love with me when the urge hits to nourish others. So I guess I am saying that I am starting to nourish myself.

In the past when I had anticipated something happening and then it didn't, it would really affect me and my day would have been ruined. But since taking that retreat I have to admit, my attitude towards many things has changed considerably.....even eating special things on my own.

So I guess it is time to change my attitude surrounding cleaning the office and getting down to the task of writing..................God/Goddess almighty, it has now been years that I have been talking about doing this. Not about cleaning my office.............THAT was a scary thought!!! The cleaning of the office is still in the month stage...........weak little grin.........

But it does give me pause here. Why is it that I don't write anymore? I know that there are words sitting patiently waiting for their chance to do their thing. Yeah, if for no other reason, I have to do it for the words.............

Well, at least now today I can say I wrote something. In fact, there is no reason why I don't just sit here at the same time daily and write something....anything. Priming the well of creativity with the simple act of putting words to paper. A musician does his warmup prior to performing and a writer needs to warm up as well by just letting the thoughts have a free form.

As I sit here I realize that by simply putting these thoughts down in the blog, my mind seems to unclog and I can breathe easier. I think that instead of pondering WHY I don't write, I'll just decide to write and be done with it.

Anyway, turkey soup calls to me so I bid you adieu............office still isn't cleaned but I did talk about it and I have room to write in front of me

HEY, it's a start.....

Have a good one.

Untangling those webs

You know - the tangled webs we weave that represent our lives. I've been doing some untangling but still coming up against strange feelings. I don't even know how to describe how I am feeling right now. The desire to crawl back into bed and just lay there wrapped in the warmth feels good in this moment. I am not sad or depressed but I do feel somewhat flat. At loose ends actually not really knowing what to do with myself.

Went to cash the cheque from the little store that I used to do some work out of and again, for the second time, I was not able to cash it. NSF in his account. And 2 days before Christmas. I do know that there is some anger swirling around in there at the lack of business sense this guy has. How has he run his business for the past 7 years when he can't even manage to have enough in the bank to pay casual retail staff? Amazes me for sure but I am also angry at having this money stuff going on in a number of different arenas.

And I just got what this feeling is that I am experiencing. It is a sense of fear. Not gut wrenching fear but that little niggly thing that just sits there going "Oh ya, I'm here." And that bothers me. For when I let fear inch in to my thoughts, it taints everything that I do. But it is definitely there but subtler than at previous times.

I think there are also the Dad concerns as well and they are always here. They never go away and I get at least 3 or 4 calls a week from the care centre that he resides in. There is a rule with the facility that the POA (That would be ME...) is called whenever anything out of the ordinary happens......like a fall, apparent confusion on his part, replacing yet another headset for his television......anything . So, while there is nothing that I can do it still is an uncomfortable reality that I exist in. Having to be everything for my Father while still dealing with the issues of the past concerning he and I. And those come up frequently especially now that I am with a man who is very conscious of energy and emotions.

He is making me very aware of how I taint every relationship that I have ever had with that same distrust brush. He has a big issue with being compared to any other man on the face of the planet, regardless of how intense the healing issues are with the others. He is helping me be there for my Dad though which is wonderful. I have a sense that it will be this new man who will make it so much easier to be with my Dad. Who knows? Perhaps they will find some common ground, other than me, upon which to share some time and thoughts.

I have seen my daughter twice this month which is huge and both times we have done pretty well together. She met my man last weekend and that went well. Plus I saw her the week before at a gathering for a friend and we even laughed and danced that night. I realize that she is going through her own stuff right now and I'll just try to be a friend/parent kind of person and let it all unfold as it will.

Perhaps I'm just supposed to take it easy today and be o.k. with that. I sure don't seem to have any energy to do much of anything today. Maybe I will snuggle down with a book and let my mind latch on to some other reality for a bit.

Blessings and if I don't get back here for a while have a wonderful holiday season and be good to your self.....you deserve it.

Namaste

Wednesday ramble...

Feeling much more settled even though not much has changed. Amazing actually since my previous way of dealing with all the anger and confusion would be to fall apart and cry and wail about it all. However this time I am able to realize that it is not all about me even though I am feeling the wrath of others. I think of that wonderful little book "The 4 Agreements" by Carlos Ruiz, especially the part about not taking things personally.

Sure there were things I did in the past that shifted the lives of not only me but that of my children too but knowing that I was doing what I thought was best for all is what sustains me at this moment. There is one thing (and a rather large thing it is) that I am questionning and that would be my decision to move to Kauai all those years ago.

Yes, it was a good decision for me to get out of my comfort zone and start to really learn about me but I guess I should have been more aware of the fact that even though people told me to go, they didn't really mean it. Of course how can one know when someone is simply saying what they think you WANT them to say. Take my daughter for instance.

Of course she was the most important consideration at that time. She was working in her first job, was totally into her long time boyfriend and pushed me to go. She said she thought it was good for me to go and that it would be good for HER to get to know her Dad on a deeper level. And she said she wanted to move in with her father at that time so "go Mom" is what she said. But now, all these years later she is angry at me for leaving. Sheesh, it can be so confusing. Sure I am an intuitive and psychic but I guess when it comes to family, sometimes your vision gets clouded.

I left because she basically said she didn't need me and now I find out that she didn't really mean it. And I am being chastised for abandoning her. So for me to be trying to get her to understand that time is a wasted effort. She believes that I left HER and I didn't do that. I went to find me.

And of course now that I finally decided to start to do some deep healing work on myself, that too is back-firing. As it turned out, this year, there were two workshops (one a 3 day weekend thing and last months week long retreat) and they both happened to fall on weekends that hosted both of my kids birthdays.

I had never been invited to one of my Son's birthdays but this was his 30th and they decided to throw a party for him BUT I could not attend. Originally it was to be on the Saturday and I was planning on attending but then they chose to do it on the day of his birthday which was the Friday and I was still up at the retreat. We did talk about it and he assured me that it was not a problem. We did a little special Mom and Son the week before and then again the week after I got back and I had thought we were good. But then his Dad's widow started to berate me for not being there. I was stunned as she said that he was really hurt. I immediately called him to hear from him and he said that was not true but he had thought it would have been nice for me to be there but never was he feeling that I intentionally hurt him. But I almost went to a place of thinking that I should have cancelled my retreat which, by the way, was the most intense week I have even had.

I had a number of times that week when I just wanted to turn tail and run home but I stayed and while there were times when I truly thought I was losing my mind, I didn't back down. Sometimes we just have to go through our fears and the pain and hopefully come out the other side a little lighter and more aware of who we are NOW. It has helped me immensely as I deal with this discordance as it relates to me and my choices.

And then my daughter lets me have it saying that I chose to go to a workshop on her birthday weekend too. Again, I talked with her when she invited me to her party and explained that I knew that I would be really beat (and again emotionally spent) after the Saturday of that workshop. I had arranged to go to that workshop months before and once I had paid for it, I wanted to attend. The main focus of that workshop was on healing family wounds and coming into a place where all your relationships would benefit. She said no problem but again, she didn't really mean it. And now she is bringing that up again.

What is one supposed to do when they hear something coming from anothers mouth but it is not what is going on in their head? Let it go seems to be the best course of action.

And then there is the kids Dad's widow. I know she is hurting and angry but she is saying things that are so completely unfair to me and trying to say that I am an awful mother. She was at both the kids partys which is wonderful. They all get along so well and I know they both love her. But when she starts bringing my parenting skills and the love for my children into question, I get my back up. She said that if she had kids like mine, they would be the most important consideration in her life. And my kids are important but sometimes we need to do what needs to be done so that we can live our lives to the fullest and our adult children know this.

I haven't said this to her but I wonder sometimes why she doesn't try a little harder to be in her OWN kids lives. Yes, she has her own children and a grandchild but they are all estranged so it makes you wonder what is going on there. I do know the history but I can't go WAH WAH WAH about it to her because she obviously doesn't get it. Sure she can have a wonderful relationship with MY kids and I do not begrudge her that.....after all they love her BUT I do get angry that she can criticize me for how I am with my kids when she has so much she needs to do to get her own family stuff in order.

Oh the tangled webs we weave..........

Well this has been quite the rant hasn't it but I know that I feel good getting it all out here. I keep trying to get my daughter to get it all out with regards to her feelings for me but I guess she will do so in her own sweet time.

And then there is Christmas and all that that entails. They (the kids) are coming over on the 19th for a combination Christmas gathering and to meet my new guy. He is looking forward to meeting them and I am praying that they love him like everyone else does...or at least can see what a great guy he is. And then I'll be having another little gathering on Christmas day with my daughter, my Dad and Jimmy. I am hoping that with these times together, something will shift but regardless of what happens, I am planning on enjoying myself one way or the other.

This year I also have events to go to which is different. Two gatherings this weekend and then another one next weekend, an open house and perhaps even more as the month progresses.

But for now, I am going to go and clean up my office and perhaps even clean out my drawers. Not having any work lined up does make it possible to get all those things done that i keep putting off.

Blessings to you all.

still in a state of unsettledness

Tick tock...tick tock...tick tock...Time is moving along at a rapid pace. Less than 3 weeks until Christmas and I am having a hard time even getting some decorations up. What a week this has been...

I now do not have any scheduled work lined up. Not only did I finish at Curves, but now the wonderful little space that I had been doing readings out of AND starting to work retail (which I was loving by the way) has closed. Last day was yesterday but that is only half of it all. Seemed to be some fishy business going on which none of us staff has a handle on so there is a bit of uneasiness going on there. They still have their newer and much larger store a couple of blocks down the road but how my place fits in there is up in the air. Somewhat harsh as I actually liked that job. Interesting for sure.

And then on a much larger and scarier note, as all of us all know there is a crisis in the world financial markets. But now my nest-egg - the one that had been helping me pay my rent among other things - has tanked and the work situation for me has become even more important so as you can surmise, there is some fear rising to the surface and I do not like that. I did speak with my financial advisor and she did calm me down some but now I am really having to look at my life and figure out what I am to do now money wise.

That fear is pretty small generally but with Christmas coming and knowing that I have presents to buy, dinners to prepare for and all the sundry items that come with the season I am having to be more aware of things.

I woke up this morning with a strange dream and it makes me so aware of how much this distancing from my daughter is affecting me...again. The dream was around baked goods....NO really...baked goods. In the dream I am looking at all these wonderful cookies and beautiful small decorated cakes and admiring them all. I am at the home of a friend and she said that she got them from Brie....my daughter. I am surprised because I didn't even know she baked....ding ding ding. And furthermore my friend informs me that every year, she gets special baked items from Brie. Another friend chimes in that Brie also cooks wonderful meals for her too at special times. I smile and say how wonderful and then I woke up.

There was a knot in my stomach because I do know that Brie does all these lovely warm hearted things for many women.....but not for me. I have left her a few messages this week and she is not responded except for one little harsh cryptic message filled with anger. I am at a loss right now as to what is going on. I do know that she is hurting knowing that this Christmas her father will not be with her but I keep thinking that now that he is gone, she will turn to me but it is not so. She just keeps pushing me away with more and more anger and all I want to do is talk to her and love her. That knot in my stomach is because there is nothing that I can do right now.

Everyone says to just let it go but I know that I have not done anything TO her but she is feeling such anger towards me that I keep wanting to do something to fix it. But nothing that I do or say seems to help....in fact it just seems to keep making it worse. So my dilemma is this. Do I just let it go or keep trying to make things right. I mean it is Christmas and I want to have a lovely Christmas day with dinner and presents and while she has agreed to come here, I feel she is doing it because she will feel guilty if she does not.

letting it go is the right thing to do but this knot in my stomach is growing daily and I just want to find out what it really is all about. I fear for her keeping all this anger bottled up inside. We all know that if we let things fester inside and keep going over and over them in our head, that it eventually turns into something that our bodies will have to deal with. I don't want her to get sick over this and I certainly want to be able to get up in the morning and feel like I can call her to talk. Unfortunately this is becoming harder and harder especially when she is not returning calls.

Sigh.........

Oh well, I shall forge on and just trust that one of these days, there will once more be a simple flow to the love between myself and my daughter. But it is hard

Blessings

trying to feel the rightness in the situation.....

I had a pretty relaxed weekend if I don't count all the anger that is being directed at me by an old friend. It just seems that nothing I can say will allow her to let go of some pretty intense and on going anger that she must have been feeling towards me for years. But it is also having a bearing on my relationship with my kids and that is the hardest part for me to handle.

I mean I have been having a lot of problems with my daughter for the past few years and I am now realizing that a lot of her continual anger towards me is in some way connected to the anger that is also coming to me from this old friend of mine. My daughter spent a lot of time with this woman because she was the girlfriend of my daughter's father. And of course as we all know my kids Dad passed away last january so this will be the first Christmas without their father and, consequently, for my friend, the first Christmas without her beloved. Of course it is tense for them all but it just seems that nothing that I can say or do will allow either of them to let go of their anger towards ME. That old adage "let go and let God" is something I am going to have to try and work with because it just seems that whether I am trying to explain myself through the written word or the spoken one, nothing comes out the way they want it to.

There are times in our lives that no matter what our intention or wishes are, life just moves in its own direction and we have to let it go. I wish I could just say "Hey I love you" and have that be enough but it doesn't appear to be that way. I want to be able to offer some assistance but I now realize that if I keep trying to make things "right" I will drive a bigger wedge between me and my offspring.

So the question now is......can I just trust that things will work out? Can I step back and just allow the anger that they are feeling to run its course? Will things ever be smooth sailing for my daughter? Will my friend ever be able to forgive me for whatever it is that she is angry with me about?

I am here and there is nothing I can do about that but sometimes I feel like they both wish it was me that had died and that is a harsh thing to even consider. I know that my Son still loves me but again, his girlfriend is very close to both both my daughter and their Dad's girlfriend. It feels awful to know that they are talking about ME and ragging on about how I AM which does not jive with what they all are.

I guess I just have to let it all unfold in divine order. I do know that I want to have a wonderful nurturing relationship with both of these young women (my daughter and my son's soon to be wife) and this is what I am projecting out to the Universe. Trying to make things better does not seem to be going in my favour at the moment so I just have to step back and allow things to run their own course. hard when you are someone who always to make things "right".

Sometimes what may appear to be out of whack is in perfect alignment with where it is meant to be. I am going to attempt to allow it to be right for now even though in my little head, I would rather things be different from what they are.

At the energy of Christmas............ALWAYS brings things to the surface.

On a brighter note however, Mr. Man and I had a great time this weekend. At least that part of my life seems to be moving in a positive forward direction...........smile

Blessings to you all

One month to Xmas

ARGH.......let's just add THAT to the previous mentioned stressors. And what a difference a day makes.

Officially this afternoon, I told them at one of my little "jobs" that I will only be there for this next week and then I'm gone. They keep cutting my hours and then switching them around and at the end of the day, they are now only offering me ONE 3 HOUR shift a week. I mean, what's with that. So openings on that end.

Went to the other place to check on my supposed shifts for this week and that too has changed. The owner is going through some pretty intense financial challenges and with that comes all that THAT entails. But he gave my shift away to someone else, after asking me if I would work that full day which I agreed to. Then he offered me a 3 hour shift for a day that I'm not available - hey, what's with the 3 hour shifts - and then HE got all pissy with me because I couldn't just switch things around to accomodate him. I didn't even mention that I had to fill in for someone when I was supposed to be doing something else on Saturday AND that he gave my Thursday evening shift to someone else too. Hmmmmmmm, what's wrong with this picture? And of course one of the locations is now headed for closure by the end of December, perhaps sooner, and it is the location that I had been so thrilled to get to do my readings out of. Changes, changes.....

BUT, I stopped into this new shop at the end of my block last night and they are looking for retail staff PLUS she wants to offer special evenings with me doing readings..........SEEEEEE, it just keeps shifting.

I guess I should just allow it to all settle into it's own perfect arrangement since TRYING to do something about things is just an exercise in futility. I do like this new shop though as it is a funky sexy place with great tunes playing in the background and lots of eye candy to keep me smiling. I'll be sure to let you all know how that pans out.

And Mr. Man??? He is pissing me off this past few days but it could just be that he is another piece of the general stressful puzzle. I do know that I am not salivating waiting to see him today which is different and I am not going to see him tonight. Too much of a good thing sometimes jumps up and bites you in the ass. Anyway, looking forward to doing my own thing this evening.

And last but not least, there is of course my dear old Dad. Had a VERY stressful few hours with him today and that doesn't help things much. Had to yell so that he could hear me today and he was so confused. Took him to a Dentist today and she seems to think that he needs some dental surgery (in the hospital no less) to replace a tooth that has broken. Perhaps it might be a nice idea to get this tooth replaced but the cost will be $3,000. AND he will have to go under anethestic which is pretty harsh when you are 90 years old. So that just added to the confusion. AND then when it was time to leave the elevator in the building was broken down. Not a big deal for me but HE is in a wheelchair so that was a fun exercise. The building manager and another man came to carry him down the stairs but of course Mr. Stubborn insisted on trying to walk down 2 flights of stairs. Gotta give him credit because he did it but each time he started to fall and the building manager reached out to catch him, my Dad yelled LOUDLY. We got him down but jeez, did I need that little extra added bit of stress? Uh, no....

And now of course I just remembered what I titled this little discourse - one month to Xmas. GROAN..........I think I'll just go and get my self a glass of wine and thank myself for getting through this day. I didn't go into EVERYTHING else that went on because I'm sure you don't need to know.

Blessings to you all. As they say....this too shall pass.

Monday ramblings

At least it is not a week since my last posting. I am having trouble getting anything accomplished, let alone writing..............oh oh.........Sigh

And all around me things seem to be in a state of flux. Work situations, my lovely new little place to do my readings out of, some physical ailments. So here I sit wondering - that's it - simply wondering.

The people that I spoke with today were also in the same space. I went for a walk and had a couple of conversations with some folks pertaining to the work situation and each and every one of them seemed slightly OFF today. Must be something to do with the planets or something. I'm sure one of you might be able to fill me in.

And of course there is the new guy. We both got to see the other sick this weekend and that is always a strange thing. He likes to go into his cave and now that I think about it, I do too. I used to want someone there to "look after me" but now I just want to eat soup, drink tea and lay around without having to explain myself to anyone. He voices concern and I feel his sympathy and it feels perfect for me. He went home to recuperate and it allowed me to do my own little brand of healing without feeling like I had to be doing something for anyone else. Anyway, he is feeling like new again and I am slowly coming back to normal.

Seems to be a lot of heaviness around me though and I am trying to wade through it. Stressors I guess like everyone else but while I acknowledge them, I am finding it harder to see what needs to be done to alleviate said stress. I used to fill up my time when there were things calling to me with the hopes that they would just disappear. Now, it appears, that I simply go into a place of quiet and stillness and WAIT. That is what I am doing it seems. Waiting for the dust to settle on said stressors and then, with some clarity, I will be able to make the appropriate decisions. PERFECT!

As I wrote that that last bit I realized that a lot of my stressors relate to the people for whom I am "attempting" to work. They all seem to be in a state of major flux - financially, emotionally and physically - so my trying to figure out what is happening is really a futile waste of time. I could always just decide to jump ship and change course but there are a lot of wonderful possibilities if the financial end (on their end) could get ironed out. I mean a wonderful world vision, a generally fun work atmosphere and opportunities to advance within something meaningful.

So thank you dear BLOG for being here for me to bounce things off of. I feel much better and know that I don't have to make any major decisions until the powers that be get their acts together.

And with that bit of insight, I shall bid you all a fond adieu. I bought a wonderful new novel to read and I am going to go and do just that.

Blessings of JOYFUL abundance......

Settling In...

And yes I am settling in. I can feel the rumblings of that stage that we call Falling in Love. I wanted to feel this and then as the feelings starting to rise up, I just pushed them back down as another familiar sense - think TERROR - was also pulling at my heartstrings. But the terror is falling away as I sense more and more love coming from him. We are both voicing a bit of fear around what we are both feeling but since we have each other to share these feelings with, it is making it easier to settle into what is occurring.

I feel safe and adored. He feels safe and honoured and we are both settling into the understanding that something special is happening. So wonderful to have someone who is not afraid of sharing his deeper feelings with me. In fact, it is as if he has been waiting for a very long time to have a woman to love and to open to the love of a special woman. And we laugh LOTS. It just plain feels right for me and I am starting to relax as I realize that I asked for someone like him and now that he has arrived, I may as well just receive him.

We were talking last night about the fact that we are seeing each other every night. I asked if we should take time away from each other and he asked WHY??? He wants to share himself with me and share in what I offer so why not spend time together. We both have our own homes but I find myself wanting to see him after my day has gone and he feels the same way. Hey, is this not what it is supposed to be like when you find someone with whom you resonate - especially resonate with on so many different levels? Sigh........all I know is that it feels very good.

Plus he is slowly getitng to meet friends of mine and they are all voicing the same feelings when meeting him. He is just so darn likeable and funny and open and interested in others. O.K. enough already. Katrice has finally found herself a Divine Compliment and she is happy....smile

So now, off to get ready for a client and then head over to the gym to be the little motivator that I AM.

Blessings to you all and may your day be full of joy and love...........

retreats and such and Hi to Calla

I just had a comment on a post that I wrote back in April and as she said in her comment, people should read this so I did just that. It was a post entitled "The Moses Code" and I have to say, even to myself, that it had a lot of food for thought in it.

I just got back from an 8 day retreat and it was exactly like I thought it would be.....energetically that is. I had days of profound sadness where I just wanted to pack all my shit up and just head home but of course I knew I would not do that. And speaking of packing up all my "shit", that is exactly what was coming up. All my issues about me and who I am AND how I live my life and perhaps HAVE lived my life were up big time and in my face. But then again, that is WHY I went.

And to be coming home to a "relationship" is a biggie since I have not been in a real relationship for such a long time. And speaking of "him", I just heard his car door slam so the phone will be ringing momentarily and I will start this next phase of my life.

I will write more in a couple of days and I do apologize for not being more in tune with me and the sharing of my Soul.

And speaking of sharing my Soul with you all, it looks like I will not have one of my little jobs anymore. They are downsizing and like most places, the last person hired is the first to go. But of course, I had been saying I wanted to leave that little job anyway, so as the old adage goes....be careful for what you wish.....you just might get it.

Until next time............

anxious moments

As the day draws ever nearer to my week long retreat departure, I am feeling great bouts of anxiety. The knowing that it is a huge part of my spiritual and emotional growth, coupled with the bouts of anxiety are making me rather ungrounded. Wanting it to be over before it even starts is not a good thing, or at least I am feeling judgemental about my thoughts around the whole thing.

It has cost me a lot of money to do the work so far and this retreat will be the culmination of 8 months of work. I feel that I could be working it harder but there is a part of me that is simply wishing that I had not committed. It is the little girl full of fear for sure who is reacting but the woman in the here and now is also fearful. What will come out of it? Will it unearth sensations that I have been holding at bay for ever? Lots of thinking going on and yet, nothing concrete to anchor into.

Thank God that I have my work to do with others because that is the thing that keeps me going on day by day. A sense of gratitude just washed over me and as I sit here writing, I realize that as with everything else on the journey so far, I chose it. And that means going to the retreat is a conscious choice on my part so it would be a good idea if I simply owned it.......my life that is.

My man has been out of town for almost a week now and I am missing him. He too is voicing the same feelings as he calls from points afar. Coming home tomorrow so am very much looking forward to talking, connecting and just settling in to the safety that I feel with him. I remember when I used to first see him on the street in my neighbourhood, I would walk the other way. In my eyes he looked like a "bad ass" and I just didn't want to go there. But as I have come to learn, while there are issues from his past that resonated with that same "bad" energy, he is a good man and looking forward to embarking on a journey of two Souls with me. And that in itself is hard for me to accept. It has been a long time since I actually felt that someone (think a male) really wanted to explore all the possilities with me that I want to explore with another. There have been other wonderful men who have voiced this same desire with me, but until this one, I had not felt that connection that resonates on all levels with me.

Anyway, a client is soon to arrive so I shall put on my healer cap and step into the highest essence that is me. Hmmmmmmm, perhaps I should just stay there. Life sure would be easier.

Blessings and Much love to all

Beautiful Fall days

I have woken up to a beautiful sunny day with lots of prospects to just dwell in the beauty that is Vancouver on a sunny Fall day.

Life has been very busy of late and with all the busyness comes change....of the best kind. Moving into a greater place of acceptance for me and all that I am. This is not usually a time of forward movement for me so knowing that things have changed just simply feels good. More work coming my way and my own work seems to be moving in a new direction. Different clients heading my way who seem in sync with the changes that I am going through myself. Life is good.

Heading out to a Samhain celebration tonight. Never been to this particular one but Spirit called me and I am responding. Will be nice to celebrate with a number of other Goddesses as we move into a place of power for the women that we are.

Blessings to each and everyone of you out there in cyberspace.

Namaste

Thanksgiving and Family

As usual I find that anything to do with special family time causes me some sort of stress and this weekend was no different. There I was at my oldest friends home with my son and his girlfriend seeing that THEY are all WAY more connected to one another than to me. All over her house are pictures of her deceased beloved (OH, did I mention that that would my childrens father???) with her family...........my kids........ It was totally bizarre. All these happy smiling photos of what used to be my husband and my children with my oldest friend that I now feel next to no connection with.



Of course he and I split over 20 years ago and he recently passed away so this Thanksgiving was to be a special one for them all and they invited me to join them. I think that I was hoping that now that Doug is no longer with us, there would be a re-joining with my oldest friend Carol but instead I ended up in tears seeing how she has replaced me in the eyes of the kids when it comes to family time. Very heart wrenching for me and there was no way I could turn and run away home since I had driven over 6 hours with my son and his girlfriend to get to the lake and there I would stay for the next 3 days.



I think it was all the family photos that did it, especially the ones which had the word "FAMILY" enblazoned on them. And then I did the poor me thing..........not a good thing.



I kept thinking that I used to be the one with the big house full of people and now I reside in a small apartment in the city with nowhere for them to come and "stay" if they so choose. Of course I am being stupid since we all live in the same city at the moment but you can only imagine how my little mind was working overtime.

And the setting was amazing. A simple home on the lake with views going off in all directions and I could imagine the first time that Doug saw this house. It was him........all wood, brick and windows. And then less than one year later he was back here battling the disease that took him from everyone. But the house is full of him and this is where my kids now go to get that sense of home and family..........not my little space anymore. Sigh.......

I came home to this new man that I have been seeing and realized that I am set to start off on another phase of MY life. Not the life that I had envisioned but the life that seems to be unfolding for me whether I like it or not. Funny thing about this new guy too.............he was hurt that I did not invite him to meet this part of my family for Thanksgiving. Once he finished venting I had to say that I did not realize that we were at the meeting the family stage but, in the end, it certainly feels nice knowing that someone wants to......meet my family that is. The last man had no interest in any other parts of my life and I have to admit that it has tainted me with regards to relationships but hopefully this new one will help me move beyond all that previous hurt.

So here I am back "home" in my little space and it does feel like home regardless of whether it is big enough to house out of town guests and family. It is me and that is a good thing.

I am also happy that the kids (now adults actually) do have somewhere to go that represents home and family for them. It is important for us all to feel a connection to our history. Been working on that for some time now and hopefully my kids will fare better than I did as they grow older.

They are all planning their Xmas vacation back at the lake....the first without their father. I had been hoping that we could spend it here with me cooking the turkey and all that that entails but that is not going to happen. I have been invited back up there but I don't see me going. Things could change but at the moment I am seriously considering going somewhere hot with palm trees and tropical breezes.

So I hope that you had a good weekend. Mine was quite enlightening....

Namaste

Winds of change

It has been an interesting couple of weeks. Lots of change swirling around and while I love change, I am at the point where I am just wanting to be quiet and still for a bit. That being said, I am heading up to a friends place on a lake to spend the weekend. Driving up with my son and his girlfriend so it will be nice to actually see my son for more than a couple of hours. He is busy as is everyone else but I do miss our talks. Of course, he is not a kid anymore and has a life that he is cultivating very well if I do say so.

And this man that has been around for the past 6 weeks or so is definitely making his presence known. It has been so long that I actually had someone who looked like he might be around for a while that I am finding myself anxious. Trust issues coming to the surface but for him too so we are both working on similar life transitions. He is older too and had been having a hard time just allowing US to become something - with time. He had been pressuring me to commit to him without even allowing me to really know him. But thankfully I am able to communicate and with equal thanks, he is able to listen, absorb and then share his own views of the whole thing. So perhaps a relationship is actually developing. I'm taking it easy though as I don't want to jump in with all fours.....as has been my habit in the past. See..........there are advantages to age.

Been working on the preliminary work for the retreat that I am going on in November and that has been an exercise for sure. Having to go back and try to remember things from my past - from birth to right now. I have a lot of blank spots where there should be memories so it is making me feel rather ungrounded and unsure of myself. I spoke today with the facilitator of the work and she assures me that this is not out of the norm but still, when I have spent the better part of my life with all these blank spots, to have to TRY to recall events and situations is causing me a fair bit of angst. However, I did choose to do this work knowing full well that it would get uncomfortable. I know that by the end of the retreat things will have shifted significally.

So there you have it. I am stil alive and well and will post again real soon. And for those of you in Canada, hve a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.

Katrice

Happy Hump Day

Was speaking with a friend this morning and I remember hearing the expression "hump day" from her. The middle of the work week for most and the day that means we have made it to the mid point of the week and are now heading down to the weekend.

Since I never did do the 9-5 thing for long periods of time after my kids were born, it never really made that much of a difference to me. But, when everyone else is looking forward to the weekend, I just went along for the ride. And today, is the mid point of the week and I am feeling just plain slow. Did some shopping, made a stew that is now slowly simmering in the crock pot (yes I do have one of those) and actually cleaned the inside of the windows. Living in an apartment building makes it rather difficult to do the outside but a couple of weeks ago, the outside windows were done so thought I should do the flip sides too. It does look WAY nicer I have to admit. And that is about all I have been able to accomplish so far.

Heading out to my evening gig shortly and while I know that that is work, there is this part of me that still thinks that I should be doing stuff all the time. And as much as I would like to be able to do that, I am feeling tired and that is all there is to it. Sure wish I was one of those women who could get up in the morning and be satisfied with just sitting sipping tea and reading a book all day. I understand that there are lots of people who do that. I do think it would drive me nuts.

But that being said, I do have some books that I have to read for the retreat I am heading out on in November, not to mention writing a biography and such to bring along. As you can all see, I am NOT writing much at all these days. I need a new muse or something. Yeah, probably it is the "something". I'll have to work on that one.

Hope you are enjoying your Fall afternoon..........

Blessings

Loving vibes...

Happy Fall weather to you all. Not that it has been too cold but we have had a couple of days of chilly rainfall but, funny as this may seem, when we have had really nice weather for a stretch and then we wake up to the rain, there is a cozy feeling to it all. Spent yesterday all snuggled down here watching t.v. Sometimes it just feels like the perfect thing to do.

And then today went for a mani/pedi so am feeling quity girly girl. Am supposed to be heading to a drumming circle but feel like doing a housey thing now so guess I'll miss that. Can always go again tomorrow night to another one so not sweating it. I know you will have fun Corinna..smile

I bought myself a coffee table finally. Been looking for the right one for over 4 years and finally found the perfect one. Makes everything else somehow come together. Got a couple of new little plants too so am feeling kinda special. Doing some things for me and sprucing up the house are always things that make my days.

So feeling good and sending lots of loving vibes to you as well..

Musings for a Sunday morning.

Boy, it is the day before the full moon and the crazies are out in full bloom. For the past few days, they have all been yelling and threatening (or at least attempting to threaten) anyone who is silly enough to make eye contact. I can't imagine what it must be like to be REALLY out of your mind and living in a back alley somewhere. I say REALLY because there sure have been some times recently when I have questionned my own sanity.

So what have I been up to since my last post? Well, I have been working at the gym and working OUT at my own. Doing drumming circles or at least banging my drum on my own. Hitting the beach as these last warm days call to me. Went to Earthdance yesterday and am feeling a little sore. Beautiful day out and the music called to me on a very deep level. Danced off and on for about 4 hours and then watched a girly flick with a friend. So not exactly sitting around moping.

Mr. Crazy man (the 2 week thing) resurfaced and at first I thought it had just been a blip with the acting out thing from last week but oh no.........WAY crazier than I thought or perhaps I should rephrase that. He is exactly like I my original impression which brings me back to the comment about being REALLY crazy. Why did I attract in that kind of energy and, worse than attracting it in..........why did I engage when I knew in my heart it would not bode well. Anyway, it is for sure done now and I have something to keep my occupied fully for the next couple of months so I promise no more talk about random men as they pop in and out of my life.

I am going to go on an 8 day retreat in November which is a continuation of the two previous weekend workshops that I engaged in earlier this year. The first one was called "What's your Wake up Call" and the second, which I did in June was "Relationship as Spiritual Practice". Obviously this last man was sent to me to make me finally pay attention to me first and foremost and to NOT be distracted by sizzling energy.

On a long walk the other day I realized that it is time to lead with my heart instead of other energy zones in my body and see where that takes me.....should be a no brainer shouldn't it??

I also realize that one of the reasons I have not been blogging regularly is that I keep feeling that blogging about my humanness is not what my original intention had been for this particular blog. I had wanted to be inspiring and uplifting and I need to realize that real life sometimes is simply not that. So the plan is to start another one for must me and when I do have information that I feel would be useful for others on their path, I will send those along.

As I wrote that I realize that I am slightly embarassed at how my life is sometimes but perhaps that is exactly WHY I should share it with you all. We'll see how I feel as the next weeks move along.

But for today, the sun is out, I have done my workout for the day, fI'm eeling healthy AND the beach is calling.

Have a great Sunday and I'll be back.

Namaste

the end of another week

It is supposed to be sunny later today and I am planning on hitting the beach later so let's pray that these clouds depart soon.

Work has been really slow for the past few months and I am certainly hoping that it shifts soon. Part of me is wondering if it is time to move but then I realize that until I am completely clear within me, life will just reflect that haziness.

I am however going to be doing readings in a much more high traffic zone within the next couple of weeks and that is a positive thing. Right on the main drag and going to hang my hat there on Saturday afternoons which is always a busier day for the retail shops in my hood. Just need to carve out a spot and they are hoping it will be in the window area. I used to do readings a couple of blocks down the same street and it feels like a good thing. Love the store - it is the original one connected to the place down the road from me. Wonderful energy and a lot of support is being offered to me out of there.

Heading to my little job at the fitness facility and that is always fun so it's a good thing. Sure would be nice to be making more money though but at least it is something.

Have a drumming circle tonight which is a great way to end the week and I always leave feeling much more grounded and invigorated.

Blessings on your day and I wish you lots of joyful moments.

Namaste

a new day dawns

Happy Wednesday everyone. Well I did it last night and it wasn't anywhere near as hard as I thought it was. Of course it turns out that while I am becoming more aware and conscious about my shadow aspects, I now realize that there is really no light and dark within me, it is just a different shade...........white, black or grey. I have certainly never considered myself a grey person but when we all blend with everything that we are, the shade softens. And grey is a very neutral colour now isn't it?

Spoke with Peter (there I can even say his name now without cringing) and we had a good long talk. About where he is at and all that he too has been going through this past two weeks. It is like speaking with a sibling, bringing all that our upbringing led us to. And we have to face it that the Universe brought us together so that we could really see what is up with the both of us. Funny that last night I spoke about my deepest "secrets" and then this morning he calls to talk about what he is going through. I miss our talks and we did talk a LOT during our times together. And don't worry Corinna, it was just a conversation.........smile. It seems that whenever we are apart, I still have the urge to talk with him and let him know what is up with me and of course, the connection that Twin Flames have is very strong..........so even though we keep thinking that we can't see one another, there is still this spark that connects us. He shared some pretty harsh things about what is going on with him and as usual, with us, he is able to talk in a complete and open way with me.....like twins. Not obsessing about it, but it felt good to chat.

The other 2 week weirdo has completely lost it. Thank God/Goddess that I am strong in my Soul. Whacked people are drawn to me and I am not going to beat myself up about it. Being a healer I know that these people feel the light and want to bask in it so now the challenge for me is to let my light shine from a pure and divine place instead of the FLAME that can burn things to the ground. Let's just say that the Divine Violet Flame of transformation and transmutation is blazing on high beam at this time. It is time to get on with it....life that is.

May the Light within your Soul guide you on your journey today.

I know that I am moving forward and it feels good.

Namaste

acknowledging truths.........even those we would rather hide from

Hmmmmmmmmmm. that was odd. The past two weeks that is. I came to very harsh understandings about my little ole self though and it is all good. Not the revelations about myself that are so good but at least acknowledging them is a step in the right direction. And now on to moving through this next phase which will be something else for sure.

Even sitting here I am not able to fully share what has transpired. The main jist of it all is - if we attract that which we need to grow AND what we attract is a reflection of who and what we are, any of the attributes of the other person with which we are not in harmony are parts of ourself with which we are also not in harmony. SO I now understand why I keep bringing in the same type of man.

I had been thinking it has only been the past 2 "relationships" but now I realize that most of the men that I engaged in relationship with over the course of the past almost 40 years shared some similar energy. This little two week thing hit me really hard with it so I guess that must mean that I am now ready to acknowledge these shadow parts of me that are apparently guiding my life and have been doing so for many MANY years. WHEW................

Funny that I have no tears about this but I really do think that who I AM at the core of my Being will rise up to take the reins and lead me further down the path.........the Path that I had been trodding until I fell victim to ME...........

I will admit to being a tad nervous because tonight at my circle I am, for the first time ever, going to let them know that I want to work on this or, should I say, these issues. Almost feels like going to a first AA meeting or something like that. How would someone feel who was going to go and admit to something that they had been trying to hide from themself for most of their adult life? How do I feel? Not too sure but I'm sure a LOT of feelings will rise to the surface as I speak my truth in a circle of others who also speak their truths, their hurts, their angers....all of those emotions that hold us captive.

I feel blessed. From this moment on, it IS the beginning of a new life.....REALLY!!! It has to be because the one that I have been leading has left much of me out of it and I am ready to finally get back in.

Namaste

moving through life at warp speed

Well, that didn't last long. That interesting man that I spoke of last week just broke it off with me POOF. However I had been seeing some red flags but you know how it is with them in the beginning of a connection.....we just want to believe they will dissolve or fade away. He had a rather shocking development occur yesterday and I was a part of it all.

For some odd reason I woke up yesterday morning with the craving for a particular kind of donut. Now, I never eat donuts so that was weird to begin with. He arrived and I asked him jokingly "Hey, you didn't by any chance bring donuts did you?" And then I laughed. He was with me for a bit and then he said he was going to go and get me a donut. Perfect, I'll make coffee I said.

Anyway, I'm waiting and waiting and then the phone rings and it is him. The previous night we had been talking about family and his in particular. He has 2 sons that he very rarely sees and he told me about how he had not been such a stellar Dad and it impacted his relationship with the boys. Anyway, he goes in to get me a donut and who does he see? His son that he has not seen for SEVEN years.........hello? How weird is that? Anyway, they had this huge reunion and the rest of the day was spent with getting reacquainted and as it turns out, his son really needs him right now to clear up a lot of stuff regarding the mother, the past 7 years and on an on. Anyway, he drops off my donut and then gone.

Calls me a few hours later and says we will get together later and then nothing. he just stopped by and told me to forget about him and he is gone..............POOF..............that was fast..

Men, they really are a different race.

I'm going to go grab my drum and beat it!

It is hump day

So it is the middle of the week and I am feeling like a new person. So nice to have someone in my life who thinks I am special and makes sure that I know that is how he feels. I have been on this quest for a partner for a long time and had started to feel like it would be a very long time before I was ready to embrace another relationship........even though I have been dealing with fear at opening to another. That last one got to me big time. And it is not like I haven't met others but I just never felt a connection that would sustain a relationship. But this one is different.

I had been saying that I just wanted someone "normal", whatever that is. But I had always also said that I needed a bit of an edge...someone who lives a relatively normal life but can step into another more exciting place with me. So doing all that a normal couple does but being able to open to a place that is also exciting and invigorating. And this man fills the shoes of what I had been desiring. He is funny, very fit, wise through all his years of living but still looking at the next phase of his life and wanting someone to share it with him. And he has picked me.

I had seen this man around the neighbourhood and always noticed him but had made a point of not connecting. I could tell that he is different with a very unique look. But then again, I know that I am a unique woman but I have had this belief that there would never be another that would really fill all the qualities that I had been seeking. I spoke with a woman onthe street the other day and she said that perhaps while I had been looking for someone I was not really open to receive and that is so true. So glad that I finally stopped and talked with him. So now am able to move into something real, something that will sustain both he and I. So, the relationship issue seems to be mvoing into a place of trust and joy and that is a very good thing.

Now, to get on with my work once again. Have been really slacking in that regard the past year. Having my little job at Curves gives me a purpose but it is not anywhere near what I am capable of accomplishing and the money is definitely not going to support me to any great degree. It is fun and fun is a good thing but I do need to get going with something more abundant.

Today feels like a Monday to me for some odd reason and it is already Wednesday. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I am ready to embrace it whole-heartedly. Feels good...

Blessings

A new week dawns

Had a great weekend. And guess what? I met a new man and we are getting along great. Lots in common and his main reason for being is to have fun and be joyful at simply being alive. And he thinks I am very special which I know is the truth so am planning on stepping into a place of joy and love with a clear heart and head. He is an older guy who has been around the block a few times and is very healthy and LOVES to dance and for those of you who know me....dancing is next to breathing for me so woohoo.

Taking my car in for some work today so will be without transportation for a couple of days. I'll be getting my house and office organized which is a good thing and I'll be doing it with a smile on my face.

Today is a good day.

Blessing

feels like something is afoot

Today dawned with me stretching and realizing that I just had a good night's sleep for the first time in weeks. Had a good workout at the gym and am now preparing for my day. Lots going on and feel like moving forward in my life.

Had been stuck, sort of, in some sort of weird holding pattern for the past few months but know that I am ready to move beyond my previous limitations. Perhaps it has something to do with the ritual that I participated in on the Full Moon or the realization that I am now ready to let go of some of my old patterns but whatever it is, I do feel like a weight has been lifted...or perhaps I just shed it. Anyway, moving forward and that can only be a good thing.

Have a wonderful day doing whatever you choose to.

Blessings to one and all.

here and now

Just read my post from yesterday. I was in an obviously higher space when posting at that time.

Today has been a slow day but I did accomplish a few things. Banking, spending time with Dad and he was in a very good frame of mind. Looking much brigher with a huge smile. Thank God. It has been so hard lately seeing him frail and little. It makes me wonder what is in store for me as the years go by.

Spending time looking into the future doesn't seem like the way to go these days. Spending time in the now moment and paying attention to NOW instead of concerning myself with times that are not yet here. I realize it is important to think of the future and make plans but to be worried about what has not yet passed is a complete waste of time and energy. Makes it hard to see clearly where I am right now.

And in this now moment, I am feeling quiet and calm. Heading out to dinner with some new friends as it is a birthday celebration for one of them. So once again off to eat dinner out. Been doing that a lot lately but living here makes it such an easy thing to do with so many wonderful restaurants right outside my door. Life could be worse.....

Hope your day is going well and that your tomorrows are shining brightly just waiting for you to catch up.

Saying Yes to this moment.

Oh to be able to say YES to every moment that presents itself. Yes to the wonderful sunsets that take our breath away. Yes to the wonder of the wind as it howls outside our window on stormy days. Yes to the chance to express our self in the now moment from a place of quiet acceptance for each breath. For with each yes that we breathe into existence, we are freeing our self to simply trust that our decisions are the right ones for us in each moment. In doing so, we set our Spirits free.

In this moment, with this breath, you are a free spirit. And as a free spirit you are encouraged to take heed from the wind and breathe each moment into the newness of the next – never ending - always changing. It is the way of the spirit to move freely in whatever arena it finds itself. Is it easy? Some think not but it can be. It is your choice as to how free you choose to be.

Step into the depth of your being and nurture the sweet Soul who resides there. Embrace all of who you are and allow her/him to be perfect just as she/he is. Call to the young child that resides deep within your heart. Make her/him feel the deep power in the safety that resides within YOUR heart. Call to the youth who is just starting to flex her/his muscles, coming into a sense of her/his own power and allow her/him to be perfect just the way she/he was. Embrace all of your myriad senses and hold them close, safe in your heart and Soul.

With this powerful embrace feel the healing that rises to the surface time and time again. With each breath anchor into the healing that resides in your heart, always ready, always able to answer the questions that call to your Soul. Ever ready to dissolve any discordance that might come along with those old beliefs about what is right and true for you. Uncovering more with each breath…..

For this is what we came here to do. Dissolve old ways of being. Dissolve old beliefs and truths that no longer serve our higher purpose. Step into the Light of your Being - the light that lays at the core of you, in this very moment. Birth yourself into the purity and light that is your Soul.

You came forth from a burst of light and the light of the creator resides within YOU. It always has. It always will. Light your torch and carry your flame as you light the way to the future.

Say Yes, to this now moment and forge ahead secure in your own power, strength, beauty and spirit.

Weekend memories

WOW....I had a great weekend. Lots of drumming, dancing, laughing and eating.....thank God I exercise. Just got home from a drumming circle. Boy, do those guys ever play FAST but I managed to keep up. It was incredible. Going to drum with my drummer friend on Wednesday night so it will be fun to see if he notices if I have improved since the last time we drummed together.

Last night a friend and I went into the woods with drums, crystals, candles, incense and did a ritual ala US. We might even invite some other Goddesses along next time. It was such an amazing night last with the Full Moon and the Lunar Eclipse not that we could see the eclipse from Vancouver but the energies were pretty powerful. At one point however, I sat there and just sat immersed in the energy that we had conjured up and while I might have been right in the middle of it all, there was still a part of me that felt like SHE was just observing all that was going on.

That happens to me a lot. Sitting in the midst of something and still feeling apart from it. There was a time at the end of our time there when we put on some music and one of the songs made me stop and really listen.

There were the words.....

I'm a Soul without a mind. I'm a body without a heart. I'm missing every part.....

Part of me related to it even though at first I was thinking of other people and how those related words to them. That feeling like I am not connected to me at times persists. Sure would be nice to always feel connected to me.

At one point we picked a card from my friend's deck of cards and the Goddess that I picked was there to help me relate to, not only sense of my place within the world but my place within me and how I related to the earth and my place on it. I'll be working with that in the days to come.

I also got to share dinner with my kids and THAT was another wonderful part of it all.

We are all so very blessed.

May your week unfold in divine splendour.

Stressors and Wreck Beach

Feeling rather stressed this morning. The not sleeping thing is back with me this week. Hate that. Wake up numerous times during the night and then feel sluggish for the first few hours of my day until whatever reserves I have kick in. I realize that I have been stressed for most of my life but am starting the feel the effects of it now as I age..........argh........AGE.....not a good thought.

Heading to my Curves stint this morning and then meeting a friend at Wreck Beach. It is so beautiful there and I KNOW that once I head back up the hill, all the stress that I currently have in my little body will be gone.......or at least not so in my face. And if any of you feel like joining me, just look for two redheads......grin

Not lots to report this morning but wanting to at least post SOME thing.

Have a good one.

Seeking my OWN counsel

This posting is my posting from yesterday but the internet connection went down and I never did get around to sending it along. So here it is...

I was talking with someone the other day and realized that I write WAY more when I am experiencing some form of angst so beware……..angst is in full supply at this moment. I even resorted to going to the doctor for some “assistance” and that was not in the game plan at all.

I know that the transition of my Father is having a huge impact on my energy and today I had a brief meltdown. Luckily he lives right by a river with lots of trees so I just went outside and sat on a huge rock and sobbed. Hadn’t done that for a while. It was just frustration – plain and simple. I finished my little cry, went home, got changed, lathered myself with suntan goo and just lay in the sun for the rest of the afternoon.

And today I realized something about me that has definitely changed and I’m not sure if I like it or not.

In the past when I have seen the same people somewhere, like the gym or at a party or the beach, I would be right in there with everyone yacking it up. But for the past year or so I have found that I am shying away from speaking within groups. The same people are at the gym every Monday with a few different faces once in a while but, the entire time I have been there, the days that I chat with anyone are few and far between. And today I realized it is the same with the beach too.

I go to the same spot now. I think of it as MY spot and I share it with a number of other folks. I have never tried to connect with any of them. If they speak with me I always engage in conversation but for me to go and initiate it these days is hard. I have not been like this since I don’t know when. I even expressed concern to another friend. I am expressing concern here NOW.

I wonder if part of it has to do with the fact that as I sit writing this, I know that MANY people will know what is going on with me BUT I don’t engage many others in a face to face conversation about the whole nitty-gritty deal – deal being my life. I spend a whole lot more time in my head thinking about things than blabbing to everyone else, trying to engage them in my drama.

And that’s just it. I don’t want to try to bring others in to my sphere when I am not feeling comfortable in it myself – my Life that is. Yet at the same time, I find that I do need people contact. How to keep your own drama out of your interactions with others is the challenge.

So when I used to seek out others, I am finding that I am now seeking my own counsel and that can be very confusing to say the least. I am however going to go back to the beach this evening for a barbeque. One of the main characters that utilizes that beach is having a gathering tonight and he invited me. They call this particular beach his back yard. He has built firepits with grills into the rocks. So I guess now I WILL meet with some of the other regulars. I’ll report in tomorrow or whenever my internet connection comes back on.

Sunday morning thoughts

Feeling very good as I come into my day. Went dancing last night which is always a good experience. My body feels alive not that I feel dead but waking up after a night of dancing makes me feel good to be alive. I love dancing.......smile

As most of you know I am an Intuitive Reader and today I am participating in a Psychic Salon at this lovely little hotel down the street from me. If any of you are in the Vancouver area come on down and chat or even have a mini reading or a big one.....your choice.

As some of you are asking about my Father, he is doing o.k. Keeps falling but one of these days he will finally get it that his legs are just not working anymore for him. I sometimes wonder what I will be like when I get to his age but I am planning on being more accepting of my limitations when that time comes. Of course, I choose to believe that I will be strong right up until the end - still feeling vibrant regardless of what my mobility will be. Sure hope that the fingers still work so that I can write as the writing is what keeps me sane and grounded regardless of what is going on in real time.

The drumming is coming along famously. At the dance event last night, when I was not up shaking my little body I was using the table as a drum. That is something about drumming. You don't even need a drum to get the rythyms flying. A fellow came up to me last night after watching me do my thing on the dance floor and after he left I realized that he is one of the d.j's at another African dance event that I frequent. He told me that he recognized me from those other events but then again it is a bit hard NOT to notice a little redhead dancing like a big African woman.........grin. Like I said earlier I love to dance and it shows.....obviously he must appreciate it when he sees the participants on the dance floor grooving to his beat.

I wish for you all a day of fun and laughter as you love whatever comes your way.

Blessings

and another week disappears into the ethers

Hmmmmmmmmmm, I am being a BAD blogger. I had promised myself that I would write every day and alas, summer and the sun struck and well, I have been outside enjoying myself. Lots of freckles and I have real tan lines which is something for a redhead. But then again, I am unique so why wouldn't my entire being be unique as well.

Feeling very good physically and emotionally lately and I realize that when I am in a "state" or something is when I tend to write more. When I am "happy" I don't feel the need to be putting down my thoughts. That doesn't really make much sense when you think about it.

But then again, do we tend to focus on ourselves when things are going well. So much activity occurs when the sunshines and, for me at least, when it is sunny, I tend to feel better.

Being a writer and not writing seems rather redundant actually. Now that I am aware that I don't write much when I am in a good mood I shall have to figure out another way to summon the Muse. When I first started to write on line, I would ask myself a question and then allow "the Muse" to answer. Maybe I should reinstate that habit. We'll see how well I do but I AM going to be more diligent in posting - I promise......smile

This past weekend in Vancouver was one of the busiest ever. We have the Fireworks extravaganza that just finished on Saturday night so that was a great party. I have some friends who have a great rooftop deck right across from the beach so we were right on top of all those amazing colours and explosions of "art". Lots of fun.

Then it was also the Gay Pride weekend and we had a huge parade. According to whoever does this sort of thing, there were 500,000 people who watched it this year. It all ends with a BIG beach party so with the fireworks AND the Gay pride festivities, the place was hopping. I just parked the car and wandered all around my neighbourhood. Oh right. I live right in the midst of it all. So beach, sun, music, dancing and on and on and on. I love Vancouver in the summer.

So now the day is almost done and I am also making myself go back to that circle that I spoke about which I started attending in March. Again, because of all the fun I have been having, I have been neglecting that too. Not sure if it is good or bad but the circle is always there whether I choose to attend or not and tonight I am planning on going again. We'll see if anyone has had any breakthroughs and there are always new people popping in and out. It'll be good.

So now I am going to get some housecleaning done as that too has been let slide. Gotta love the sun.

Blessings.

and uh.......one week later

So now I missed one WHOLE week. Well, I didn't miss it but YOU did........smile.


I can not believe how busy my week was and there was still tons of stuff I could have done if I had any more energy. But at the end of it all, I am here and feeling incredibly grounded within it all.


I realize that I really like my job at Curves. It is a no brainer for me. I now realize that I have amazing motivational skills, EVEN with women who are really out of shape. I have become the head cheerleader for these women and it feels great. It is such a simple thing for me to do. All I have to do REALLY is be myself and have fun. That is what they want to do too especially when starting to get back into shape.....have fun.


I have been finding these amazing affirmations for myself too of late and now am plastering these wonderful reminders all over the house. They grab my attention in every part of my little sacred space and it really helps keep things in perspective. The latest is


ALLOWING is a feeling that runs in the background while you occupy yourself with actions that feel good.


That's all. All we have to do is occupy ourselves with actions that feel good and the rest will be taken care of. And of course "thoughts" are actions too so it is really important to be mindful of our thoughts. Those old thoughts regarding any lower based energies just have to shift into ones that feel good and since we all have free will and choice it simply becomes a decision to do so.

My Father has been in the hospital now for the past 5 days and that is one of the reasons that I am been remiss in posting here. It turns out that the last fall he had which required stitches to his head had also broken 3 ribs - one of which punctured his lung. Poor Old Guy.....for over a week he was in pain and nothing was done about it. He had been on oxygen for the first time in his life and I would have thought that that should have been a clue that something was really wrong. His doctor (who I am in the midst of firing and replacing) had been called 4 times and had not come to check him out. GROWL........ Anyway, they removed all the fluid that had been building up and reinflated his lung. Saw him yesterday and he was in great spirits and getting ready to head back to the Care Centre that has been his home since November of last year. So the saga continues..............

I just came back from getting something out of my locker and when I passed through the main lobby, chaos had broken out. Looks like there is a water something or other than has burst because there were all these streams of water pouring out of all the pot lights in the ceiling and the carpet was soaked. I hurried up to see if I could have a shower but the hot water is all brown...........special to say the least. Should be an interesting day.......

Anyway, let's see how I do with my postings this week.

Be well...

updates

I seem to have missed posting this past weekend. Not that I was very busy or anything but I did enjoy lots of time in the sun. Found a new beach and I love it. Just a stones throw from the place that I usually wander down to BUT this beach is much nicer.

Lots of soft sand and all of these little places that seem like private beaches on a larger beach. As it turns out, this was not always a beach area. Around 20 years or so ago, a bunch of locals started to cement these huge rocks into the side of the seawall, built rock benches, a rock fire pit and somehow got a bunch of extra sand from somewhere and voila a new beach was formed. It is small and seems to have a bunch of regulars that hang out but they have "allowed" me to settle into a little part at one end of it all. So in a nutshell, I spent a lot of time there sunning and using my beach umbrella for shade when needed.

Went to another drumming circle last night. It was not as big but a beautiful location at a lake surrounded by grassy areas and lots of trees. Nice.....

Just got back from the dentist so feeling kind of woozy. Need to get a crown so today was the prep work for that. Tons of freezing though and becasue of that they said not to chew on anything today so I guess it will be smoothies and soup for me until the freezing is completely gone.

And Dad seems to be doing o.k. They did take his walker away though and so now he has to use his wheelchair to get around. Thank God.........he just would not take a break so finally they said no more walker. He just gets too tired out. He keeps thinking that he is going to get stronger again but we all know that is not the case. Stubborn old guy..........

Started a new poem the other day so stay tuned............smile

Namaste

open days

So Dad has rallied once again. He is one stubborn Scotsman. Ran over there early to check on him and he was sitting up, dressed and had just come back from breakfast. The staff is totally amazed at his ability to come back from the brink. He is still congested and coughing but no more oxygen and he is managing to move around, not in the walker but in the wheelchair. However he is feeling VERY good about even that so onward and upward.

Had plans for today but most of them hinged on a beautiful sunny day and that, it is not. No rain but cooler temperature and lots of cloud cover.

I had a great day yesterday at the Pagoda.....the new place that I have been sitting in - holding space for readings. The owner said it was like I was a magnet yesterday. From the time I walked in until I chose to leave, they just kept coming. Nothing too draining, just the perfect amount of time between them all. So, THIS is good news. The other reader decided to quit yesterday because it has been so slow. Hmmmmm, perhaps it is just supposed to be my place to read.

Katrice at The Pagoda............sounds good don't you think??...smile

So I have the rest of the day stretching before me. While I would usually get all out of whack because things have changed from what I had envisioned, I am rather looking forward to what it NOW holds in store.

Blessings

The saga of dear old Dad

WHEW...........it has been a couple of very emotionally draining days. Went to see my Father to take him out to lunch on Tuesday and when I called to let them know that I was coming, they said that he was in no shape to be going anywhere that day. I said I'd come over anyway to visit.

In case you don't know about dear old Dad, he had to move into a Care Centre last November because he was getting so frail. He has been fighting it the entire time and looking to the day he could move back out. Because of his anger at being there, he has been putting himself in danger and last week he had another really bad fall, requiring stitches in his head. Then, as it now turns out, he has contracted pneumonia. I just found that out when I talked to the nurse last night.

Anyway, when I went to see him again yesterday he had not been able to get out of bed, could barely talk and looked like a little old skeleton laying there with the oxygen tubes in his nose. I feel so sad for this poor old Soul.

We had never had a good relationship, basically because most of his life he had been so angry at his lot in life. Never accepted the limitations that were placed on him and, while he had to stop doing something that he loved (flying airplanes) he never looked at all the other opportunities that were presented to him. And because of that, my life and the life of my brother were affected very adversely.

Each time that I have gone to see him the past two days, I have done energy work on him and when the energy starts to flow, he looks at me with very VERY new eyes. He relaxes and allows the energy to flow but when he gets TOO peaceful, he panics. He knows that his time is drawing to a close and again, he is fighting it. I keep telling him to relax and allow the energy to flow as I breathe deep down into his Soul. Like I said, it has been very emotionally draining. While I am there I can step into the role of healer and know that I am doing good work. Unfortunately once I am back home or in the car or anywhere else, I am feeling sad.

Went to the doctor yesterday and she insisted that I take something for all the stress that I am going through. Dad is only part of it. I relented and hopefully I will start to feel more back to normal soon. These ups and downs are getting to me.

I just picked a Conversation with God card and the message for today is

Bless every person and condition and give thanks.

So with a thankful heart I shall go out into the world today and feel the blessings that are being bestowed upon me within the current state of my being.

Namaste

Embracing the Shadow

I had thought that "Embracing the Shadow" would be a good title for a poem but perhaps it might be more of a book title. I realized today that I was having a hard time thinking of the first line for a poem with that title so it has sat on the top of a page in my notebook for a few days. However, today I had a revelation.

Perhaps I should embrace some of the different personas that I am NOT hiding from me these days. One of which is writing erotica. It is SO much fun and today I was invited to view this new website for women called A woman's good night.

I had originally sent an email to the founders of this site in its infancy and it has taken them until now to get it up and running. When I took a peek at the website this morning, I also looked for submission guidelines and poof....I was off and running. I already have a number of short stories that only need a bit of editing so I did just that. I took a couple of them, did some quick re-write and brief editing and hit send. So perhaps soon I will be able to let you "listen" to some of my stories from THAT genre. This site is such that people can download "audio" stories. I might even send in a demo voice tape and see if I can read some of my stuff.....because that is also really fun.....grin.

That part of me is a part that I never really felt comfortable with. But I have to admit that when I read over some of the stuff that I wrote last year, I had to say "woo hoo"....Someone has to write that stuff and since I have a very good imagination, a "bit" of experience from all of my 50 something years (ahem!!) AND I like to write, I think it is about time that I gave myself some credit for that. Allowing myself to write those things that get people all tingly and flushed. I know that I get all tingly and flushed writing them and when I read it to those few people who I allow into that part of me, they too get all tingly and flushed....giggle. I am serving a purpose with that type of writing too and I am finally ready to acknowledge it.

There are so many people out there who are so veryblocked sexually that to be able to open up and allow yourself to "feel" or even remember how it feels is a very good thing. And, on another level, this site will PAY me for my writing.

I have to admit that all this writing has to be more than just me writing for the sake of it. I know that I am helping Me and I'm sure others are assisted or inspired to be more or do more than they are currently doing. For me, writing for a couple of hours seems to free me up more fully to be me. I feel like I am accomplishing something while doing something that I love.

I was talking with my drummer friend last night and I was talking about how uncomfortable I can get with I am left to my own defenses, left to be with just me. I described it like parts of me are fragmented and trying to re-align with the centre. When I find myself in that place, it is VERY uncomfortable. Nothing of note gets accomplished but today while èmbracing my shadow` I realized that there is nothing wrong with me or my shadow self. She has a lot to share and it is through the writing that she can shine. She of course being Me..... She, Me, I..............it is all one and the same. I should remember that. I would not be writing if there were not a lot in me that needs to be out there.

Funny how we unintentionally block our own creative talents because of skewed perceptions of what it right or "proper". Anyway, just thought I'd share.

I started to work on a new story today about people meeting up on a naked beach and....well....you can let your own imagination run wild with all the various scenarios that THAT can conjure up. In fact, if any of you has an idea for a story that you would like to come to life, let me know. I`m open to suggestions. And of course naked beaches leave lots of room to explore the world of sensuality and eroticism.......Gotta love it!

It`s been a good day. Blessings to you all.

lazy sunny day

Here it is a beautiful sunny day out there and I am inside. Having one of those days where I keep thinking of doing something other than what I AM doing, thereby not accomplishing much at all.

I did get to the gym and watered my poor house plants. I have not been a good "plant Mommy" these past few weeks, nor a good housekeeper. Does that happen to anyone else once the weather starts to get nice. Don't want to spend extra time inside when I could be outside. Am supposed to be meeting someone at the beach after 2:00 pm which seems WAY too late for me.

I usually like to get there early on a Sunday since EVERYONE and their dog wants to grab a piece of sand. Hopefully the beach that I am supposed to be heading to will be quiet. Never even heard of the beach that my friend is suggesting but I'll see how I feel when the time comes around.

I am really lazy when it comes to getting in the car and DRIVING to a beach since there is a whole whack of sand just down the street from my place so getting in the car is not high on my lists of favourite things to do when it is hot and touristy out there. Sigh. Perhaps I am being a tad spoiled in wanting others to always come to my neck of the woods. I should take a look at that.....

Had written a rather discourse on me and my "discomforts" of late.....on all levels but, lucky for you all, I deleted it. Yeah, yeah I know..............You are most welcome.

I'll think I'll go feed the cat or at least ruffle her fur..............

Where'd the week go?

It is now Friday morning and I am soon off to do my Fitness Coach gig, which is actually a fun way to spend a few hours AND make a few bucks. Of course, being a fun gig doesn't exactly translate in to a lot of money but it does keep me off the streets and somewhat focussed.

My drumming friend came over last night and I discoverd he is also quite adept at giving massages. I guess when you are able to work the "skin" of a drum it does make you more sensitive to other types of "skin"....i.e. MINE. Have had some incredible knots appear this week and I know why but knowing WHY and doing something about it are two distinctly different energies. Sigh.

I am always amazed at how the Universe works. I mean here is this amazing man who is so ready to embrace all of me and I am sitting here going "No wait I am not ready". I keep telling him that and he does understand but I can feel all of him reaching to completely enfold me in his energy. And while there are a lot of things that I am feeling drawn to experience with him, being a physical being connecting on ALL levels is just not in the cards for me. And of course, you know who called.

So I have to realize that there is still a large part of me that still wants to be connected in all of what that is. How do I come to grips with that? What part of me still wants to engage with someone else who is NOT wanting to embrace ALL of me.........my Soul and the Goddess incarnate. That shadow side of me is what calls to him and like I wrote in The Woman in the Mirror, she sighs as the answers are not immediately accessible.

But for the moment, the sun is shining and I am going to hit the beach later and perhaps another poem will come to bring light to what is percolating within this Soul.

Enjoy your day in whatever our day has in store for YOU.

drumming extravaganza

WOW..........a new gift/talent has opened for me. Went to the drumming circle last night and drummed for almost 3 hours. Took about 2 minutes for me to feel comfortable and I was off and running. At one point, the beat that I had settled into became the base for the circle. Like a call and response thing occured where I did my thing and then everyone else answered. So very powerful. Felt like I had been doing this all my life or at least remembering a time when I did so.

Got invited to a couple of other drumming events and feel like a new part of me has emerged. I had always heard that drumming was a healing thing but had no idea that I could open to that part of me and just let it flow. Sort of like when I get into dancing which I have ALWAYS done...but bigger. My hands started to burn by the end of it though so had to step out of the circle to let it all settle. Who knows where this is leading? I only know that a newness, a fresh breath of air is coming to the surface. Very exciting.....

I also wrote a new poem this past couple of weeks. Took a bit longer than usual though as the words that came to the surface almost scared me as I realized what has been buried for a long time. Perhaps I'll share with you all shall I?

It is called The Woman in the Mirror.

I look in the mirror and what do I see
Am image projecting itself back to me

Hair of red
Eyes of green
Frecked skin is what I see
But who is she behind the scenes?
What makes her laugh?
What makes her scream?

A silent scream that no one hears
Its full of hurt
Its full of fear
A sadness buried deep inside
No where to go
No where to hide

For she is the demon she tries to elude
To disengage
To not intrude
Oh what to do?
Yes! What to do....
She'd do it if she only knew

The questions call from deep inside
Does she answer the call?
Does she run and hide?

Inside she sighs.........
I sigh.

So that's it for the day so far. Who knows what will happen today.

Namaste

coming into the Sacredness of ME...

So I got my first drum. Immediately went to the park and had my first lesson. It was amazing. He said that I put a lot of African men to shame with the rythyms that emerged. I was surprised as I have been beating my hands on table tops for ages. Once the rythyms got going it just flowed. BUT I did realize how much my attention wanders when otherwise engaged. I found that if my mind went to anywhere than other my hands touching the skins, the rythym was lost. Made a note to myself that I need to stay fully engaged in whatever I am doing in every moment.

Heading out shortly to participate in a Psychic/Healing Fair and then on to my first drumming circle where I will participate. Feels odd but that is how you learn and improve. Sit in the sacredness of a drumming circle and just let Spirit move.

Namaste

Djembe healing

The rains have returned. Such a shift from one day to the other weather wise....sort of like me sometimes. One day moving swiftly with a spring in my step and then slogging through. Not too sure what today is yet. Has been slow so far but I am heading out shortly to buy myself my first djembe drum. Interesting that I said first. We'll see I guess.

My new friend is a master drummer and has offered to teach me. I know that the drumming is an important of my own healing journey. Grounding me into the newness that is coming up to greet me. As if a long lost relative or dear friend has suddenly reappeared and you realize how much you missed him or her. I am admitting to being a bit confused as to what is coming up for me now.

I also realize that I have not been back to my Tuesday night circle since I did the Relationship weekend. So much has happened since then and I truly feel that I need to be in circle again so have made a note of it in my daytimer.

Interesting that this man would appear now.....or not. I don't know but I am anxious and nervous about the sound of the phone ringing and hearing his voice. Uh Oh..... Feels weird.

Uh oh............there's the phone..............smile

Do we really have Free Choice in our lives??

This was the question posed today at the gym by one of the guys sitting in the same vicinity as me. Someone had asked me what was another name I would use for "God". I started to share the various names that I associate with the essence of "God" such as Source, Creator, Divine Consciousness and that was when this other fellow piped in.

He said that whenever he heard the word "divine" associated with a conversation around "God" he got into the whole theory of evolution thing. And when he thought of bringing in the Divine into it, he felt that our lives were already pre-ordained and IF that was the case, did we really have any free choice as we moved through our life.

I do believe we have choice regardless of whether or not it is the RIGHT choice and that is when the conversation started to get heated. I simply smiled and said that I was sure we could go on and on with our beliefs around this but that inevitably ANY conversation pertaining to God was going to be fraught with differing opinions so, since I had finished my workout, I said good bye to them all.

But it did get me thinking. I know that I have chosen some directions in my life that did not jive with those closest to me and even when I knew "intuitively" that one choice or the other was perhaps not the best one for me, I chose it anyway. And now that I wrote that I realize that there is no right and there is no wrong choice. There is simply what serves you and what does not. Of course while we are in the midst of some of our more "life altering" choices, it certainly does not feel like it is serving us. However, once we step out of it, whatever IT might be, we can see what we have learned from it and that is the most important thing.

I am now realizing that while I have committed to distancing myself from "him", I am sure aware that that relationship has changed me for all time. I also know that I am no where near ready for another relationship and that is the hardest thing for me at this time. I have chosen to honour my self and NOT get into anything physical with someone until I feel LOVE, not just from the other but from ME.......a love flowing towards another that makes me want to totally choose him.

I had someone kiss me the other day and I just could not go there with him. He is a fantastic man who is open and fully ready to be in relationship and he seems to think it is with me but I just can not go there. I kept thinking of kissing the other man and for the first time in my life, I can't open to another. I know that it is over with the other one but to kiss someone passionately, like it was with him, without knowing that new person, is an impossibility.

I have a lot of friends who think nothing of getting into it with complete strangers and while in my younger days I too could get there. I know that it is still a NEW choice that I am embracing but to have someone new wanting me and to not be able to respond, even though we have so much in common and he is a really NICE person, makes me question everything. I know that when we stop looking that is when someone comes into our lives. But I am not ready. There is still a rawness to me that I have never experienced before.

Perhaps I had never really opened to love like I did with him. I really wanted a relationship and I chose him knowing full well that what he wanted and what I wanted were not in sync.

This new fellow and I have lots of similarities and world visions that are in alignment but it is jsut too soon for me to even consider becoming intimate. I know that I have to really know someone this time and I hope that this new gentleman is willing to wait as I complete this healing process. I know women who have also gone years without connecting with another and while that thought scares me, I do know that it is certainly not NOW.

It brings tears to my eyes and then I remember that I have a contract with my Soul to never simply be a body and only a body with someone and unfortunately, I seem to have lost trust. Which brings me back to the original question here?

Do we really ever have free choice in our lives? Will I be able to choose freely without the issue of trust coming into the picture?

I have always been so trusting of others and there is anger rising to the surface that because of my choice to go with you know who, I am now distrustful of all men. I take full responsibility of that choice but now perhaps it is not only my distrust of others but my distrust in my ability to choose wisely.

Should be an interesting day..........

Sigh..