old outworn blankets of familiarity

I had a good weekend and spent some special moments with a few people. But then I got a rather voracious bladder infection and have been feeling low and have also been experiencing pain for the past couple of days. Seems that there is something within me that is needing to be purged and while I have a feeling that I know what it is in the "present", it is bigger than just what lays before me.

At times I wish that I could simply move forward in my life from a place of love and acceptance but, like it or not, there are some situations that I still allow myself to conjur up and fall into. While I know that my main mindset is one of love and joy, it appears that I am still trying to find love and joy on the outside of me, forgetting once again, that nothing comes to me from the outside, it is the inner world that I need to connect to.

I am finally getting to the point of knowing deep within that this search for love outside of me has not gotten me very far and I am still immersed in some situations/relationships that do NOT foster a sense of love and joy within. Still trying to figure out why I do this and for today, I will try to detach from this old sense of sadness that still settles down upon like an old familiar blanket. This blanket, however, is feeling old and stale. Perhaps it is time for a new blanket of love to replace this old outworn one simply because it is now time.

For those that know me, the main attribute that most would say expresses ME is one of love and caring for others..........always............but then someone said to me the other day "Who heals you and cares for you?" I had to think about that one since so many around me are in need of that same love and care that I too desire.

A new friend brought me over a heating pad last night as I was in a lot of pain and just couldn't get out to shop for what I needed. I was so grateful to her (thanks Deb and my new friend Steve) because it helped so much and allowed me to sleep last night after a night of constantly getting up and lamenting the pain that kept calling to me. It was a deep pain and while it has subsided considerably, there is still this gnawing feeling that it is only a surface thing calling at me to look deeper.

Heading over to meet with the people in charge at my Dad's care centre to get a handle on his care and what is next. So much has changed for him this past 6 months and he is so in need of me and my presence. It is so hard though as I am also in need of me and the connection that I seek with others.

But for this moment, the sun has re-appeared and while it is cold and crisp outside, with the sun shining down upon me I will be able to wrap myself in that great LIGHT and use it to sustain me.

Blessings to you all.