Am I in my power or not?

Just had another meltdown. Felt my energy draining out through my solar plexus and the frustration starting to run rampant. What is it that I am trying to do with regards to that non-relationship? I just briefly read some of my OWN website about hanging on to relationships when they have run their course. And here I am still trying to make it something that it is not, nor will it ever be.

I kept thinking that it was love and I know this is not the truth. It is just something that I have been telling myself to make it somehow make sense. But it does not make sense to keep putting myself back into the same position of wanting and not getting. Not getting what you might say. Not having it all be what I want it to be. Knowing it will never be what I want it to be. What part of it all am I missing here? Is it the little girl that wants Daddy to love her? There is a large part of that that could be true.

I remember when I was a little girl and also later when I was not a little girl - always wanting my Father to act like he loved me when most of the time all I received was anger. During my most recent conversation with this man, he lashed out at me for wanting things to be different. He knows what he wants from me and it just does not jive with what I had wanted from him. I say HAD wanted from him because the past few months I have just been confused as to what it is and knowing that it will NEVER be what I truly desire for myself, why don't I just let it go.

Let it go. Three little words but easier said than done. In my head I can go "O.K. I am done" and in that moment it feels true. But unfortunately I still persist in wishing it to be something other than what it is. I did say today AGAIN, I can't continue on. I have been saying this for almost 2 months now and have managed to stay away from him but still there is always this little voice inside saying that maybe it will change. That is just plain crazy. Not me being crazy but the thoughts being crazy.

I have mentioned the saying "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change". So how do you shift how you see things without getting all caught up in what it is that you are looking at - whether it is a thing or a situation? This situation has never been a healthy one for me and it will never be healthy for me so why am I still caught up in the energy of it all.

Perhaps it is that I am trying to pretend that it CAN be different. Fooling myself? You betcha. Time to move on but move on to where? A friend said that I should just go inside and stay there for a while until the answer becomes clear. Decide what I am wanting and allow it to come through. Come through? Does this mean that it is already here, trying to come through this pain and heartache? Am I holding back what the Universe is trying to send my way? Am I afraid of really bringing in something whole and true and real? Scary thought that one is.

Am I afraid of having a real nurturing passionate relationship? Why would that be? Wow, lots of questions coming to me today and that is o.k. If I don't ask the big questions, how are the answers ever going to arrive?

It has been one of those days for me. Hope your day has been better.

Blessings