sleepy morning

We finally got some summer weather here and just in time for a long weekend. The beaches are packed, or at least they were the past two days. It was so hot though that yesterday I just could not lay on the beach. It was quite funny actually because everyone was trying to find a spot in the shade. That doesn't usually happen in Vancouver. I had wanted to go to Wreck Beach today but couldn't find anyone to go with me and I just don't like going there by myself. I guess I should suck it up and start doing that sort of thing on my own because I just don't seem to have any friends that are able to commit to things these days.

I have been going over the list of people that I spend time with and it appears that most of my acquaintances are going through some pretty intense life changes at the moment. I mean none of them are comfortable in their lives and I guess that is a reflection of where I seem to be too. Not a very comfortable revelation for me this morning. I keep going over my life these past 15 years or so and I have to admit that I have just not been focussed. I think of the material possessions that I used to have and how they didn't mean anything to me at that time. Now, however, as I am getting older, I am starting to miss the security that all of that entailed. I mean I don't have anything of note to fall back on anymore and at times I find myself afraid of the future and that is a different place for me to be.

I remember when I was married and I had all these friends who were worried about where they would be when we got to the ages that we are now and the tables have turned. They all have jobs, money in the bank, homes and lives that are moving forward. In fact most of them are now retired and simply living their lives. It is now me that lives in a rented apartment, with very little money, no real income to speak of and the security that I always had to fall back upon is gone. Time to wake up me thinks.

I have found that now that I write in my blog, I am not sharing most of these fears with others, namely because they don't want to hear it. I had always been the one that people came to with their fears and insecurities and to be sharing my own now just doesn't seem like an option...except for here.

But at this moment, I am o.k. other than tired after another sleepless night. The sun is shining and I think I'll just get in some beach time before it gets too hot.

Blessings