Where is it that I am NOT available??

I have been sitting here thinking - with the rain pouring down AGAIN. Actually during my sleepless night I did some pondering as well. Not heavy or anything just coming to some realizations about the people that I bring in to my life.

With regards to a mate, I am very clear as to what it is that I am desirous of bringing in BUT, and here's a big one, it appears that the men that I REALLY connect with are not available to be with me and with me alone. So that brings the question "Where is it within myself that I am not available to me".

If I am really available I would attract someone else who is available to delve into a relationship with me. Not someone who has other women, or at least others that he seems to cater to. It is quite a dilemma. I just don't have the answer.

I did meet someone who I really liked and he appears to like me as well. But, and there's always a but these days, he is sharing a home with his - I am so amazed that this is happening to me - ex-wife. He assures me that they are not intimate but they get along and don't seem to mind sharing a home together. BUT, and here is the but, it is still her home too and there would be no way that I could ever go to his home. And in that, I would be held out of the loop so I wonder if I even want to go there with him at all. Disappointing to be sure.

We did have a good conversation yesterday about it all but I just don't really believe that this is true. We had very good chemistry and I can't imagine someone with that energy NOT being intimate with whatever women live in his home. It might just be because of you know and HIS situation that I am so very distrustful. I have to face it. This is not optimum for me at this time so I think I will just energetically let it all go. Let go and Let GOD.....

What am I thinking anyway?

CORINNA!!! - DON'T GROWL AT ME

I just keep wanting to go back into what I was used to. The partnership with a man. And when I think about the things I miss the most about being is sleeping alone. I miss sleeping next to someone.........sigh........sorry gang. I also miss the lazy sundays when you just let it all unfold slowly.

Uh-Oh!! I just realized that this has all been just a dream.

Did I even ever have that with the men in my life before, for any length of time. Am I really dreaming of some non existent figment of my imagination? Am I just shooting for the stars?

Yes, actually I guess I am...shooting for the stars that is.

Why can't we really put out there what would be the optimum for each of us.

Why can't we believe that this -whatever reality we desire -is attainable.

I still believe in happily ever after with a man who loves me for me and someone that I can't wait to see at the end of the day. I LOVE LOVE.............that's all there is.

And now back to the original question before I started off in this particular tirade.....where is it that I am not available to me?

I just realized it is within the heart that I am remiss in placing myself. That is where I forget to put myself. In my heart.

I need to love me FIRST - not just SAY it, but MEAN it, BE IT - as a single woman. Sigh.........

I am Love and that which I vibrate is the essence of Love. I will fill with this wondrous elixer and know that it IS real. This love that I feel is ME. It always has been. There is no need to look outside for the love and I shall continue to put love out there.

But I still miss sharing my bed. Good Grief!!

Groan.........