As the day draws ever nearer to my week long retreat departure, I am feeling great bouts of anxiety. The knowing that it is a huge part of my spiritual and emotional growth, coupled with the bouts of anxiety are making me rather ungrounded. Wanting it to be over before it even starts is not a good thing, or at least I am feeling judgemental about my thoughts around the whole thing.
It has cost me a lot of money to do the work so far and this retreat will be the culmination of 8 months of work. I feel that I could be working it harder but there is a part of me that is simply wishing that I had not committed. It is the little girl full of fear for sure who is reacting but the woman in the here and now is also fearful. What will come out of it? Will it unearth sensations that I have been holding at bay for ever? Lots of thinking going on and yet, nothing concrete to anchor into.
Thank God that I have my work to do with others because that is the thing that keeps me going on day by day. A sense of gratitude just washed over me and as I sit here writing, I realize that as with everything else on the journey so far, I chose it. And that means going to the retreat is a conscious choice on my part so it would be a good idea if I simply owned it.......my life that is.
My man has been out of town for almost a week now and I am missing him. He too is voicing the same feelings as he calls from points afar. Coming home tomorrow so am very much looking forward to talking, connecting and just settling in to the safety that I feel with him. I remember when I used to first see him on the street in my neighbourhood, I would walk the other way. In my eyes he looked like a "bad ass" and I just didn't want to go there. But as I have come to learn, while there are issues from his past that resonated with that same "bad" energy, he is a good man and looking forward to embarking on a journey of two Souls with me. And that in itself is hard for me to accept. It has been a long time since I actually felt that someone (think a male) really wanted to explore all the possilities with me that I want to explore with another. There have been other wonderful men who have voiced this same desire with me, but until this one, I had not felt that connection that resonates on all levels with me.
Anyway, a client is soon to arrive so I shall put on my healer cap and step into the highest essence that is me. Hmmmmmmm, perhaps I should just stay there. Life sure would be easier.
Blessings and Much love to all
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Beautiful Fall days
I have woken up to a beautiful sunny day with lots of prospects to just dwell in the beauty that is Vancouver on a sunny Fall day.
Life has been very busy of late and with all the busyness comes change....of the best kind. Moving into a greater place of acceptance for me and all that I am. This is not usually a time of forward movement for me so knowing that things have changed just simply feels good. More work coming my way and my own work seems to be moving in a new direction. Different clients heading my way who seem in sync with the changes that I am going through myself. Life is good.
Heading out to a Samhain celebration tonight. Never been to this particular one but Spirit called me and I am responding. Will be nice to celebrate with a number of other Goddesses as we move into a place of power for the women that we are.
Blessings to each and everyone of you out there in cyberspace.
Namaste
Life has been very busy of late and with all the busyness comes change....of the best kind. Moving into a greater place of acceptance for me and all that I am. This is not usually a time of forward movement for me so knowing that things have changed just simply feels good. More work coming my way and my own work seems to be moving in a new direction. Different clients heading my way who seem in sync with the changes that I am going through myself. Life is good.
Heading out to a Samhain celebration tonight. Never been to this particular one but Spirit called me and I am responding. Will be nice to celebrate with a number of other Goddesses as we move into a place of power for the women that we are.
Blessings to each and everyone of you out there in cyberspace.
Namaste
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Thanksgiving and Family
As usual I find that anything to do with special family time causes me some sort of stress and this weekend was no different. There I was at my oldest friends home with my son and his girlfriend seeing that THEY are all WAY more connected to one another than to me. All over her house are pictures of her deceased beloved (OH, did I mention that that would my childrens father???) with her family...........my kids........ It was totally bizarre. All these happy smiling photos of what used to be my husband and my children with my oldest friend that I now feel next to no connection with.
Of course he and I split over 20 years ago and he recently passed away so this Thanksgiving was to be a special one for them all and they invited me to join them. I think that I was hoping that now that Doug is no longer with us, there would be a re-joining with my oldest friend Carol but instead I ended up in tears seeing how she has replaced me in the eyes of the kids when it comes to family time. Very heart wrenching for me and there was no way I could turn and run away home since I had driven over 6 hours with my son and his girlfriend to get to the lake and there I would stay for the next 3 days.
I think it was all the family photos that did it, especially the ones which had the word "FAMILY" enblazoned on them. And then I did the poor me thing..........not a good thing.
I kept thinking that I used to be the one with the big house full of people and now I reside in a small apartment in the city with nowhere for them to come and "stay" if they so choose. Of course I am being stupid since we all live in the same city at the moment but you can only imagine how my little mind was working overtime.
And the setting was amazing. A simple home on the lake with views going off in all directions and I could imagine the first time that Doug saw this house. It was him........all wood, brick and windows. And then less than one year later he was back here battling the disease that took him from everyone. But the house is full of him and this is where my kids now go to get that sense of home and family..........not my little space anymore. Sigh.......
I came home to this new man that I have been seeing and realized that I am set to start off on another phase of MY life. Not the life that I had envisioned but the life that seems to be unfolding for me whether I like it or not. Funny thing about this new guy too.............he was hurt that I did not invite him to meet this part of my family for Thanksgiving. Once he finished venting I had to say that I did not realize that we were at the meeting the family stage but, in the end, it certainly feels nice knowing that someone wants to......meet my family that is. The last man had no interest in any other parts of my life and I have to admit that it has tainted me with regards to relationships but hopefully this new one will help me move beyond all that previous hurt.
So here I am back "home" in my little space and it does feel like home regardless of whether it is big enough to house out of town guests and family. It is me and that is a good thing.
I am also happy that the kids (now adults actually) do have somewhere to go that represents home and family for them. It is important for us all to feel a connection to our history. Been working on that for some time now and hopefully my kids will fare better than I did as they grow older.
They are all planning their Xmas vacation back at the lake....the first without their father. I had been hoping that we could spend it here with me cooking the turkey and all that that entails but that is not going to happen. I have been invited back up there but I don't see me going. Things could change but at the moment I am seriously considering going somewhere hot with palm trees and tropical breezes.
So I hope that you had a good weekend. Mine was quite enlightening....
Namaste
Of course he and I split over 20 years ago and he recently passed away so this Thanksgiving was to be a special one for them all and they invited me to join them. I think that I was hoping that now that Doug is no longer with us, there would be a re-joining with my oldest friend Carol but instead I ended up in tears seeing how she has replaced me in the eyes of the kids when it comes to family time. Very heart wrenching for me and there was no way I could turn and run away home since I had driven over 6 hours with my son and his girlfriend to get to the lake and there I would stay for the next 3 days.
I think it was all the family photos that did it, especially the ones which had the word "FAMILY" enblazoned on them. And then I did the poor me thing..........not a good thing.
I kept thinking that I used to be the one with the big house full of people and now I reside in a small apartment in the city with nowhere for them to come and "stay" if they so choose. Of course I am being stupid since we all live in the same city at the moment but you can only imagine how my little mind was working overtime.
And the setting was amazing. A simple home on the lake with views going off in all directions and I could imagine the first time that Doug saw this house. It was him........all wood, brick and windows. And then less than one year later he was back here battling the disease that took him from everyone. But the house is full of him and this is where my kids now go to get that sense of home and family..........not my little space anymore. Sigh.......
I came home to this new man that I have been seeing and realized that I am set to start off on another phase of MY life. Not the life that I had envisioned but the life that seems to be unfolding for me whether I like it or not. Funny thing about this new guy too.............he was hurt that I did not invite him to meet this part of my family for Thanksgiving. Once he finished venting I had to say that I did not realize that we were at the meeting the family stage but, in the end, it certainly feels nice knowing that someone wants to......meet my family that is. The last man had no interest in any other parts of my life and I have to admit that it has tainted me with regards to relationships but hopefully this new one will help me move beyond all that previous hurt.
So here I am back "home" in my little space and it does feel like home regardless of whether it is big enough to house out of town guests and family. It is me and that is a good thing.
I am also happy that the kids (now adults actually) do have somewhere to go that represents home and family for them. It is important for us all to feel a connection to our history. Been working on that for some time now and hopefully my kids will fare better than I did as they grow older.
They are all planning their Xmas vacation back at the lake....the first without their father. I had been hoping that we could spend it here with me cooking the turkey and all that that entails but that is not going to happen. I have been invited back up there but I don't see me going. Things could change but at the moment I am seriously considering going somewhere hot with palm trees and tropical breezes.
So I hope that you had a good weekend. Mine was quite enlightening....
Namaste
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Winds of change
It has been an interesting couple of weeks. Lots of change swirling around and while I love change, I am at the point where I am just wanting to be quiet and still for a bit. That being said, I am heading up to a friends place on a lake to spend the weekend. Driving up with my son and his girlfriend so it will be nice to actually see my son for more than a couple of hours. He is busy as is everyone else but I do miss our talks. Of course, he is not a kid anymore and has a life that he is cultivating very well if I do say so.
And this man that has been around for the past 6 weeks or so is definitely making his presence known. It has been so long that I actually had someone who looked like he might be around for a while that I am finding myself anxious. Trust issues coming to the surface but for him too so we are both working on similar life transitions. He is older too and had been having a hard time just allowing US to become something - with time. He had been pressuring me to commit to him without even allowing me to really know him. But thankfully I am able to communicate and with equal thanks, he is able to listen, absorb and then share his own views of the whole thing. So perhaps a relationship is actually developing. I'm taking it easy though as I don't want to jump in with all fours.....as has been my habit in the past. See..........there are advantages to age.
Been working on the preliminary work for the retreat that I am going on in November and that has been an exercise for sure. Having to go back and try to remember things from my past - from birth to right now. I have a lot of blank spots where there should be memories so it is making me feel rather ungrounded and unsure of myself. I spoke today with the facilitator of the work and she assures me that this is not out of the norm but still, when I have spent the better part of my life with all these blank spots, to have to TRY to recall events and situations is causing me a fair bit of angst. However, I did choose to do this work knowing full well that it would get uncomfortable. I know that by the end of the retreat things will have shifted significally.
So there you have it. I am stil alive and well and will post again real soon. And for those of you in Canada, hve a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.
Katrice
And this man that has been around for the past 6 weeks or so is definitely making his presence known. It has been so long that I actually had someone who looked like he might be around for a while that I am finding myself anxious. Trust issues coming to the surface but for him too so we are both working on similar life transitions. He is older too and had been having a hard time just allowing US to become something - with time. He had been pressuring me to commit to him without even allowing me to really know him. But thankfully I am able to communicate and with equal thanks, he is able to listen, absorb and then share his own views of the whole thing. So perhaps a relationship is actually developing. I'm taking it easy though as I don't want to jump in with all fours.....as has been my habit in the past. See..........there are advantages to age.
Been working on the preliminary work for the retreat that I am going on in November and that has been an exercise for sure. Having to go back and try to remember things from my past - from birth to right now. I have a lot of blank spots where there should be memories so it is making me feel rather ungrounded and unsure of myself. I spoke today with the facilitator of the work and she assures me that this is not out of the norm but still, when I have spent the better part of my life with all these blank spots, to have to TRY to recall events and situations is causing me a fair bit of angst. However, I did choose to do this work knowing full well that it would get uncomfortable. I know that by the end of the retreat things will have shifted significally.
So there you have it. I am stil alive and well and will post again real soon. And for those of you in Canada, hve a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.
Katrice
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
