Thanksgiving and Family

As usual I find that anything to do with special family time causes me some sort of stress and this weekend was no different. There I was at my oldest friends home with my son and his girlfriend seeing that THEY are all WAY more connected to one another than to me. All over her house are pictures of her deceased beloved (OH, did I mention that that would my childrens father???) with her family...........my kids........ It was totally bizarre. All these happy smiling photos of what used to be my husband and my children with my oldest friend that I now feel next to no connection with.



Of course he and I split over 20 years ago and he recently passed away so this Thanksgiving was to be a special one for them all and they invited me to join them. I think that I was hoping that now that Doug is no longer with us, there would be a re-joining with my oldest friend Carol but instead I ended up in tears seeing how she has replaced me in the eyes of the kids when it comes to family time. Very heart wrenching for me and there was no way I could turn and run away home since I had driven over 6 hours with my son and his girlfriend to get to the lake and there I would stay for the next 3 days.



I think it was all the family photos that did it, especially the ones which had the word "FAMILY" enblazoned on them. And then I did the poor me thing..........not a good thing.



I kept thinking that I used to be the one with the big house full of people and now I reside in a small apartment in the city with nowhere for them to come and "stay" if they so choose. Of course I am being stupid since we all live in the same city at the moment but you can only imagine how my little mind was working overtime.

And the setting was amazing. A simple home on the lake with views going off in all directions and I could imagine the first time that Doug saw this house. It was him........all wood, brick and windows. And then less than one year later he was back here battling the disease that took him from everyone. But the house is full of him and this is where my kids now go to get that sense of home and family..........not my little space anymore. Sigh.......

I came home to this new man that I have been seeing and realized that I am set to start off on another phase of MY life. Not the life that I had envisioned but the life that seems to be unfolding for me whether I like it or not. Funny thing about this new guy too.............he was hurt that I did not invite him to meet this part of my family for Thanksgiving. Once he finished venting I had to say that I did not realize that we were at the meeting the family stage but, in the end, it certainly feels nice knowing that someone wants to......meet my family that is. The last man had no interest in any other parts of my life and I have to admit that it has tainted me with regards to relationships but hopefully this new one will help me move beyond all that previous hurt.

So here I am back "home" in my little space and it does feel like home regardless of whether it is big enough to house out of town guests and family. It is me and that is a good thing.

I am also happy that the kids (now adults actually) do have somewhere to go that represents home and family for them. It is important for us all to feel a connection to our history. Been working on that for some time now and hopefully my kids will fare better than I did as they grow older.

They are all planning their Xmas vacation back at the lake....the first without their father. I had been hoping that we could spend it here with me cooking the turkey and all that that entails but that is not going to happen. I have been invited back up there but I don't see me going. Things could change but at the moment I am seriously considering going somewhere hot with palm trees and tropical breezes.

So I hope that you had a good weekend. Mine was quite enlightening....

Namaste