Untangling those webs

You know - the tangled webs we weave that represent our lives. I've been doing some untangling but still coming up against strange feelings. I don't even know how to describe how I am feeling right now. The desire to crawl back into bed and just lay there wrapped in the warmth feels good in this moment. I am not sad or depressed but I do feel somewhat flat. At loose ends actually not really knowing what to do with myself.

Went to cash the cheque from the little store that I used to do some work out of and again, for the second time, I was not able to cash it. NSF in his account. And 2 days before Christmas. I do know that there is some anger swirling around in there at the lack of business sense this guy has. How has he run his business for the past 7 years when he can't even manage to have enough in the bank to pay casual retail staff? Amazes me for sure but I am also angry at having this money stuff going on in a number of different arenas.

And I just got what this feeling is that I am experiencing. It is a sense of fear. Not gut wrenching fear but that little niggly thing that just sits there going "Oh ya, I'm here." And that bothers me. For when I let fear inch in to my thoughts, it taints everything that I do. But it is definitely there but subtler than at previous times.

I think there are also the Dad concerns as well and they are always here. They never go away and I get at least 3 or 4 calls a week from the care centre that he resides in. There is a rule with the facility that the POA (That would be ME...) is called whenever anything out of the ordinary happens......like a fall, apparent confusion on his part, replacing yet another headset for his television......anything . So, while there is nothing that I can do it still is an uncomfortable reality that I exist in. Having to be everything for my Father while still dealing with the issues of the past concerning he and I. And those come up frequently especially now that I am with a man who is very conscious of energy and emotions.

He is making me very aware of how I taint every relationship that I have ever had with that same distrust brush. He has a big issue with being compared to any other man on the face of the planet, regardless of how intense the healing issues are with the others. He is helping me be there for my Dad though which is wonderful. I have a sense that it will be this new man who will make it so much easier to be with my Dad. Who knows? Perhaps they will find some common ground, other than me, upon which to share some time and thoughts.

I have seen my daughter twice this month which is huge and both times we have done pretty well together. She met my man last weekend and that went well. Plus I saw her the week before at a gathering for a friend and we even laughed and danced that night. I realize that she is going through her own stuff right now and I'll just try to be a friend/parent kind of person and let it all unfold as it will.

Perhaps I'm just supposed to take it easy today and be o.k. with that. I sure don't seem to have any energy to do much of anything today. Maybe I will snuggle down with a book and let my mind latch on to some other reality for a bit.

Blessings and if I don't get back here for a while have a wonderful holiday season and be good to your self.....you deserve it.

Namaste