Ramblings for a Friday

I just thought of another resolution.....I will do a spell check before posting these musings of mine. I just re-read the last post and PHEW.....certainly must have been in a hurry or just plain lazy. Anyway, let's see if I can do better this time.

So I skipped a few days but I am not going to go into my own personal guilt trip. I have been working on a few things and doing research AND meeting some new writing cohorts through the internet so that is a very good step in the right direction. I have also had more people calling me the past few days to just go for a cup of coffee or tea or a beverage and I have been going for it. Of course after reading my last post, I remember that one of my resolutions for the coming year is to NOT spend time with people who sap my energy and for sure, one of my outings did just that. After I had said yes, to that request, part of me went "why are you doing this?" Anyway, now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will not be cajoled into doing anything with this person again.

Hmmmm, a shadow of a doubt..........what is a "shadow of a doubt" really? I guess it would be something that lingers on the fringes of your consciousness calling to you to listen...pay attention. We certainly can be our own worst enemies now can't we?

I just looked up at the calendar and realized that I had yet to put up my new 2008 calendar. Each year I wait until the first week in January to buy my new calendar.....miss frugal don't you know and today was the day. Usually I get a beautiful art type calendar but this year, I was drawn to a Zen Calendar. All the pictures are very Japanesey with black and gold and sepia tones sharing wonderful Buddha quotes. This first month of the year has the following:

Our life is momentary and, at the same time, each moment includes its own past and future. In this way, our momentary and eternal life will continue. This is how we actually live our everyday life, how we enjoy our everday life and how we have freedom from difficulties.


Sort of puts things into perspective doesn't it? We are continually moving from one moment to the other and within each moment is EVERYTHING and NOTHING at the same time. I do know that I have somehow moved into a more zen like way of being as I am moving into this new year. Standing in my own power and being more present without worrying about what is to be. There seems to be some sort of "knowingness" surrounding me or perhaps emanating from within me the past few days. I'm sure it has a lot to do with all the sadness that is around me in the people in my world.

My dear friend was helping her beloved eat his lunch this morning as he is now in a palliative care unit at the hospital dealing with his challenge with cancer. I caught her in the hospital as she was trying to help him get ready for one more visit with another doctor to try to find something that will assist him with his pain. Turns out that he is one of only 1% of the population that does not respond to either morphine or one of the other regular pain killing meds that are generally thrown out there. They have been upping his dosage constantly since May and earlier this week, he just keeled over. They finally discovered that all this medication has not only NOT been helping him but it has also been hindering his progress. So sad and frustrating for them both.

Not only am I sad for HER but he just happens to be the father of my children.......yup, my dear friend is with my ex husband. Now don't get all wound up here because I had been divorced from him for years when they hooked up. I used to say that I married him so that down the road she would have someone to grow old with. She had not had the best of luck with men and I knew that they had always liked each other. Anyway, now, not only will she not have him to grow old with but this challenge has been so very painful for her that I am pretty sure she will never even look for another partner. They were so good together and I feel for them both.

And then, of course this brings me to my children...both adults but still, losing a parent at such a young age (both his and theirs) is hard at the best of times. My son is being all stoic but I'm sure it is going to hit him hard within the next couple of days. He has been travelling in Europe and, when he left, his Dad was doing quite well. He is probably touching down at the airport in Vancouver as I sit typing here and while I would love to see him I'm sure it will be a while before he is able to come and visit with his Mom.

My daughter is still throwing lots of anger out and I had to let her know that not only do I feel for her as her Mother but she could always commiserate with me as I too lost my own mother to cancer at about the same age as she is now. In fact, she was only 7 months old when her grandmother passed away. She was still suckling at my breast until the reality of my mothers passing hit me and then, it hit her, as she could feel all the emotions within me and she chose to push away from the breast. Not unlike what she has been doing for the past few months since learning of her Father's condition. Sad too but then again, there is nothing that I can do for her to alleviate her heavy emotions other than to be available for her when she chooses to reach out to me once again. And I am o.k. with that finally. It can be so hard when those we love are hurting. We want, or at least I should say I want to be able to help but there is nothing I can do if the help that I am offering is refused. Such a hard time she is going through.


There is more sadness that I could share here but what is the point. At the end of the day, I am doing fine and feeling very positive about the choices that I have made for the next part of my own particular journey.


And YOU? Is your journey moving you in the direction that you are wanting to move towards? I sincerely hope so for it is the forward motion that takes us from here to there.....in each moment.


And with that I will sign off here. See you soon.