loving and feeling loved

I go to a group every Tuesday. This is a group that is dedicated to helping us all work through our issues from the past so that we can move into our future whole. I realize that that is a very brief summary of what goes on but suffice to say there is some pretty intense work that goes on weekly.

We all gather and chat beforehand, drinking tea and simply connecting. The bell sounds and we all move into the facilitators living room. This is a HUGE living room and sometimes there are upwards of 40 of us gathered, sitting on chairs, couches, the floor, everywhere. It is a very safe place and we are all encouraged to share and assist others during their process. At the beginning of the group we are asked this question - Who wants to work? If you wish to air your challenge at that time, your name goes on the list and the work begins. Last night it was pretty amazing as it was the men who were into it.

Now for those of you who are into personal development or spiritual growth you all know that it is a much higher percentage of women who get into this so to have a group of men sit in a circle full of women and air their hearts and souls is something to behold. Anyway, I have yet to say "Put me in coach" as this is a new group for me. With all that I have been going through this past 6 months or so, I feel like I would just be a blithering idiot so I allow myself to process in silence during these evenings. Last night however, the tears started as soon as the first guy started to do his work. I find that I am able to access some pretty deep wounds myself while listening to others share theirs but last night I had a very big revelation.

One man was talking about how his grandfather died when he was 6. He felt completely lost as his grandfather had been the only person in this young boys life who made feel safe and completely loved. He trusted his grandfather and upon his death, he never got that trust and feeling of love from another Soul. He is now probably in his 50's and grieving very deeply this loss....the loss of love and the sense of safety. The sense that there was someone there who would love him unconditionally and someone that he could trust. And that is what got to me.

I realized that I myself never felt completely and truly loved by anyone. I also realized that with this last man that I involved myself with I let myself open and trust HIM. And here I now am knowing that it was all a game with him. Sure when we were together he was able to pretend to love me but at the end of the day, he just gave me what he knew I wanted in that moment and then when he left, it was all gone. And looking back on my life and the men that I have spent years with (2 marriages and 1 5 year relationship) I never truly felt loved or safe with them. There was always this sense that it was only for a short time and that it would be over.

I didn't feel safe with my father either and now that he is nearing the end of his life, I am feeling more and more anger at this loss of my childhood. Never trusting nor knowing what was going to happen from one day to the next. Which is where I find myself these days too. Not feeling safe and definitely feeling the loss of trust in anyone and anything. It is not a good place to be.

My usual perky self seems to have taken a sabbatical and I find that while I want to be with people, I am standing on the sidelines and watching everything before me almost as if I am not truly present in my life. I have had times in the past when I have felt sad or detached but now it is more fully in my face on a daily basis. I would like to think that this means that I am ready for a breakthrough - sort of like being in the womb and getting ready to emerge as something new and shiny. But I don't know for sure and the feeling that I would rather not be here is getting to be something that I think about a lot more. I am not going to end it all so don't get all concerned but I am feeling rather lost and not quite sure what to do with myself.

There are a lot of different opportunities coming my way but when I am feeling less than my normal self, I find it hard to move forward or prepare for the future. I know that it is important to love ourselves first before anyone else can love us back but at the moment I am feeling less than loving to me. I guess I am not trusting me either which doesn't help matters.

Wow, I sure do sound rather pathetic today don't I? Have to do something about that. Anyway I find that it always feels better letting it out but I sure would love to go for more than a few days in a row when I feel comfortable in my world.

Have a good one everyone out there in cyberspace.