Illusions

I have to admit to being a little dis-illusioned with myself. It is SO true that we teach that we which we most need to learn. I spend most of my time assisting others in meeting their potential and being the best that they can be and, here I am, wallowing around in an illusion that I created for myself. Oh well, I guess some of us take a little longer to get it than others.

When I was writing yesterday about wanting my Father to ACT like he loved me I was hit with a huge realization that most of my life I had been wanting others to love me while I had never really allowed ME to love ME. How many of us do that?

I am going to be taking a week-end workshop in a couple of weeks called "Relationship as Spiritual Practice". The relationship that I most need to be working on is my relationship with me. Once I get that all sorted out, then maybe, just maybe, I will be able to allow in a real relationship with someone who wants to be with me and only with me. I just can't continue on doing what I have been doing the past few years or, when I am honest with myself, most of my life. I have always searched for someone to love me - like it will make it all better but at the end of the day, it is me that needs to love me.

I have so many people in my life who tell me how wonderful and caring I am. I have no problem being that way with others but to allow someone in who is wonderful and caring for me seems to be an issue. The past few relationships (or non-relationships) that I have been involved in were spent continually TRYING to make what I had something that it was not. Time to get clear on who it is that I AM and then once that happens, I can consciously open to a loving and caring relationship with another.

So much of my life has been wandering around in a haze pretending that everything is o.k. but the reality of it all is that I have been confused as to who I really am. I know who I am to others but I keep so much of myself hidden, especially from me. Has it all been an illusion? And what is it that I am hiding from me? Seems that I have so many questions swirling around inside me that there is just nowhere to land. A safe place to simply BE with me.

Outwardly everything looks good. My home is a peaceful, nurturing space and others love to be here. But I do tend to draw in others who are also flailing around trying to get it right...a reflection of my own self for sure. I guess I feel more comfortable with others who are also confused.......like attracting like. I am looking another of those sayings thast I keep around me that goes something like this....

Accept responsibility for your vibe - you get what you vibrate.

Time to change my vibration methinks. Hopefully the next few days will allow me to gain some clarity while in the midst of my transition to the next stage - whatever that may be.