Where is it that I am NOT available??

I have been sitting here thinking - with the rain pouring down AGAIN. Actually during my sleepless night I did some pondering as well. Not heavy or anything just coming to some realizations about the people that I bring in to my life.

With regards to a mate, I am very clear as to what it is that I am desirous of bringing in BUT, and here's a big one, it appears that the men that I REALLY connect with are not available to be with me and with me alone. So that brings the question "Where is it within myself that I am not available to me".

If I am really available I would attract someone else who is available to delve into a relationship with me. Not someone who has other women, or at least others that he seems to cater to. It is quite a dilemma. I just don't have the answer.

I did meet someone who I really liked and he appears to like me as well. But, and there's always a but these days, he is sharing a home with his - I am so amazed that this is happening to me - ex-wife. He assures me that they are not intimate but they get along and don't seem to mind sharing a home together. BUT, and here is the but, it is still her home too and there would be no way that I could ever go to his home. And in that, I would be held out of the loop so I wonder if I even want to go there with him at all. Disappointing to be sure.

We did have a good conversation yesterday about it all but I just don't really believe that this is true. We had very good chemistry and I can't imagine someone with that energy NOT being intimate with whatever women live in his home. It might just be because of you know and HIS situation that I am so very distrustful. I have to face it. This is not optimum for me at this time so I think I will just energetically let it all go. Let go and Let GOD.....

What am I thinking anyway?

CORINNA!!! - DON'T GROWL AT ME

I just keep wanting to go back into what I was used to. The partnership with a man. And when I think about the things I miss the most about being is sleeping alone. I miss sleeping next to someone.........sigh........sorry gang. I also miss the lazy sundays when you just let it all unfold slowly.

Uh-Oh!! I just realized that this has all been just a dream.

Did I even ever have that with the men in my life before, for any length of time. Am I really dreaming of some non existent figment of my imagination? Am I just shooting for the stars?

Yes, actually I guess I am...shooting for the stars that is.

Why can't we really put out there what would be the optimum for each of us.

Why can't we believe that this -whatever reality we desire -is attainable.

I still believe in happily ever after with a man who loves me for me and someone that I can't wait to see at the end of the day. I LOVE LOVE.............that's all there is.

And now back to the original question before I started off in this particular tirade.....where is it that I am not available to me?

I just realized it is within the heart that I am remiss in placing myself. That is where I forget to put myself. In my heart.

I need to love me FIRST - not just SAY it, but MEAN it, BE IT - as a single woman. Sigh.........

I am Love and that which I vibrate is the essence of Love. I will fill with this wondrous elixer and know that it IS real. This love that I feel is ME. It always has been. There is no need to look outside for the love and I shall continue to put love out there.

But I still miss sharing my bed. Good Grief!!

Groan.........

back up and running

Finally the internet is functioning properly. Turns out that when the electrician came to fix the connections for both the phone and the internet, they took off the "splicer" and didn't put it back. Plus my old modem did need some help so I just bought a new one. Not anywhere near as expensive as I thought it would be so it's all good.

Didn't sleep much last night. I think I fell asleep around 3 am or so and then was awake again at 5:30. Amazing that I am feeling o.k. but what a pain in the butt. Nothing going on in my head to keep me awake, just laying there waiting for sleep to come over me. It is just so weird. Checking in with the doctor later today though so hopefully something will happen to change this situation.

I'll write more later but should get cracking on my day.

Blessings everyone