Do we really have Free Choice in our lives??

This was the question posed today at the gym by one of the guys sitting in the same vicinity as me. Someone had asked me what was another name I would use for "God". I started to share the various names that I associate with the essence of "God" such as Source, Creator, Divine Consciousness and that was when this other fellow piped in.

He said that whenever he heard the word "divine" associated with a conversation around "God" he got into the whole theory of evolution thing. And when he thought of bringing in the Divine into it, he felt that our lives were already pre-ordained and IF that was the case, did we really have any free choice as we moved through our life.

I do believe we have choice regardless of whether or not it is the RIGHT choice and that is when the conversation started to get heated. I simply smiled and said that I was sure we could go on and on with our beliefs around this but that inevitably ANY conversation pertaining to God was going to be fraught with differing opinions so, since I had finished my workout, I said good bye to them all.

But it did get me thinking. I know that I have chosen some directions in my life that did not jive with those closest to me and even when I knew "intuitively" that one choice or the other was perhaps not the best one for me, I chose it anyway. And now that I wrote that I realize that there is no right and there is no wrong choice. There is simply what serves you and what does not. Of course while we are in the midst of some of our more "life altering" choices, it certainly does not feel like it is serving us. However, once we step out of it, whatever IT might be, we can see what we have learned from it and that is the most important thing.

I am now realizing that while I have committed to distancing myself from "him", I am sure aware that that relationship has changed me for all time. I also know that I am no where near ready for another relationship and that is the hardest thing for me at this time. I have chosen to honour my self and NOT get into anything physical with someone until I feel LOVE, not just from the other but from ME.......a love flowing towards another that makes me want to totally choose him.

I had someone kiss me the other day and I just could not go there with him. He is a fantastic man who is open and fully ready to be in relationship and he seems to think it is with me but I just can not go there. I kept thinking of kissing the other man and for the first time in my life, I can't open to another. I know that it is over with the other one but to kiss someone passionately, like it was with him, without knowing that new person, is an impossibility.

I have a lot of friends who think nothing of getting into it with complete strangers and while in my younger days I too could get there. I know that it is still a NEW choice that I am embracing but to have someone new wanting me and to not be able to respond, even though we have so much in common and he is a really NICE person, makes me question everything. I know that when we stop looking that is when someone comes into our lives. But I am not ready. There is still a rawness to me that I have never experienced before.

Perhaps I had never really opened to love like I did with him. I really wanted a relationship and I chose him knowing full well that what he wanted and what I wanted were not in sync.

This new fellow and I have lots of similarities and world visions that are in alignment but it is jsut too soon for me to even consider becoming intimate. I know that I have to really know someone this time and I hope that this new gentleman is willing to wait as I complete this healing process. I know women who have also gone years without connecting with another and while that thought scares me, I do know that it is certainly not NOW.

It brings tears to my eyes and then I remember that I have a contract with my Soul to never simply be a body and only a body with someone and unfortunately, I seem to have lost trust. Which brings me back to the original question here?

Do we really ever have free choice in our lives? Will I be able to choose freely without the issue of trust coming into the picture?

I have always been so trusting of others and there is anger rising to the surface that because of my choice to go with you know who, I am now distrustful of all men. I take full responsibility of that choice but now perhaps it is not only my distrust of others but my distrust in my ability to choose wisely.

Should be an interesting day..........

Sigh..