Seeking my OWN counsel

This posting is my posting from yesterday but the internet connection went down and I never did get around to sending it along. So here it is...

I was talking with someone the other day and realized that I write WAY more when I am experiencing some form of angst so beware……..angst is in full supply at this moment. I even resorted to going to the doctor for some “assistance” and that was not in the game plan at all.

I know that the transition of my Father is having a huge impact on my energy and today I had a brief meltdown. Luckily he lives right by a river with lots of trees so I just went outside and sat on a huge rock and sobbed. Hadn’t done that for a while. It was just frustration – plain and simple. I finished my little cry, went home, got changed, lathered myself with suntan goo and just lay in the sun for the rest of the afternoon.

And today I realized something about me that has definitely changed and I’m not sure if I like it or not.

In the past when I have seen the same people somewhere, like the gym or at a party or the beach, I would be right in there with everyone yacking it up. But for the past year or so I have found that I am shying away from speaking within groups. The same people are at the gym every Monday with a few different faces once in a while but, the entire time I have been there, the days that I chat with anyone are few and far between. And today I realized it is the same with the beach too.

I go to the same spot now. I think of it as MY spot and I share it with a number of other folks. I have never tried to connect with any of them. If they speak with me I always engage in conversation but for me to go and initiate it these days is hard. I have not been like this since I don’t know when. I even expressed concern to another friend. I am expressing concern here NOW.

I wonder if part of it has to do with the fact that as I sit writing this, I know that MANY people will know what is going on with me BUT I don’t engage many others in a face to face conversation about the whole nitty-gritty deal – deal being my life. I spend a whole lot more time in my head thinking about things than blabbing to everyone else, trying to engage them in my drama.

And that’s just it. I don’t want to try to bring others in to my sphere when I am not feeling comfortable in it myself – my Life that is. Yet at the same time, I find that I do need people contact. How to keep your own drama out of your interactions with others is the challenge.

So when I used to seek out others, I am finding that I am now seeking my own counsel and that can be very confusing to say the least. I am however going to go back to the beach this evening for a barbeque. One of the main characters that utilizes that beach is having a gathering tonight and he invited me. They call this particular beach his back yard. He has built firepits with grills into the rocks. So I guess now I WILL meet with some of the other regulars. I’ll report in tomorrow or whenever my internet connection comes back on.