still in a state of unsettledness

Tick tock...tick tock...tick tock...Time is moving along at a rapid pace. Less than 3 weeks until Christmas and I am having a hard time even getting some decorations up. What a week this has been...

I now do not have any scheduled work lined up. Not only did I finish at Curves, but now the wonderful little space that I had been doing readings out of AND starting to work retail (which I was loving by the way) has closed. Last day was yesterday but that is only half of it all. Seemed to be some fishy business going on which none of us staff has a handle on so there is a bit of uneasiness going on there. They still have their newer and much larger store a couple of blocks down the road but how my place fits in there is up in the air. Somewhat harsh as I actually liked that job. Interesting for sure.

And then on a much larger and scarier note, as all of us all know there is a crisis in the world financial markets. But now my nest-egg - the one that had been helping me pay my rent among other things - has tanked and the work situation for me has become even more important so as you can surmise, there is some fear rising to the surface and I do not like that. I did speak with my financial advisor and she did calm me down some but now I am really having to look at my life and figure out what I am to do now money wise.

That fear is pretty small generally but with Christmas coming and knowing that I have presents to buy, dinners to prepare for and all the sundry items that come with the season I am having to be more aware of things.

I woke up this morning with a strange dream and it makes me so aware of how much this distancing from my daughter is affecting me...again. The dream was around baked goods....NO really...baked goods. In the dream I am looking at all these wonderful cookies and beautiful small decorated cakes and admiring them all. I am at the home of a friend and she said that she got them from Brie....my daughter. I am surprised because I didn't even know she baked....ding ding ding. And furthermore my friend informs me that every year, she gets special baked items from Brie. Another friend chimes in that Brie also cooks wonderful meals for her too at special times. I smile and say how wonderful and then I woke up.

There was a knot in my stomach because I do know that Brie does all these lovely warm hearted things for many women.....but not for me. I have left her a few messages this week and she is not responded except for one little harsh cryptic message filled with anger. I am at a loss right now as to what is going on. I do know that she is hurting knowing that this Christmas her father will not be with her but I keep thinking that now that he is gone, she will turn to me but it is not so. She just keeps pushing me away with more and more anger and all I want to do is talk to her and love her. That knot in my stomach is because there is nothing that I can do right now.

Everyone says to just let it go but I know that I have not done anything TO her but she is feeling such anger towards me that I keep wanting to do something to fix it. But nothing that I do or say seems to help....in fact it just seems to keep making it worse. So my dilemma is this. Do I just let it go or keep trying to make things right. I mean it is Christmas and I want to have a lovely Christmas day with dinner and presents and while she has agreed to come here, I feel she is doing it because she will feel guilty if she does not.

letting it go is the right thing to do but this knot in my stomach is growing daily and I just want to find out what it really is all about. I fear for her keeping all this anger bottled up inside. We all know that if we let things fester inside and keep going over and over them in our head, that it eventually turns into something that our bodies will have to deal with. I don't want her to get sick over this and I certainly want to be able to get up in the morning and feel like I can call her to talk. Unfortunately this is becoming harder and harder especially when she is not returning calls.

Sigh.........

Oh well, I shall forge on and just trust that one of these days, there will once more be a simple flow to the love between myself and my daughter. But it is hard

Blessings