Wednesday ramble...

Feeling much more settled even though not much has changed. Amazing actually since my previous way of dealing with all the anger and confusion would be to fall apart and cry and wail about it all. However this time I am able to realize that it is not all about me even though I am feeling the wrath of others. I think of that wonderful little book "The 4 Agreements" by Carlos Ruiz, especially the part about not taking things personally.

Sure there were things I did in the past that shifted the lives of not only me but that of my children too but knowing that I was doing what I thought was best for all is what sustains me at this moment. There is one thing (and a rather large thing it is) that I am questionning and that would be my decision to move to Kauai all those years ago.

Yes, it was a good decision for me to get out of my comfort zone and start to really learn about me but I guess I should have been more aware of the fact that even though people told me to go, they didn't really mean it. Of course how can one know when someone is simply saying what they think you WANT them to say. Take my daughter for instance.

Of course she was the most important consideration at that time. She was working in her first job, was totally into her long time boyfriend and pushed me to go. She said she thought it was good for me to go and that it would be good for HER to get to know her Dad on a deeper level. And she said she wanted to move in with her father at that time so "go Mom" is what she said. But now, all these years later she is angry at me for leaving. Sheesh, it can be so confusing. Sure I am an intuitive and psychic but I guess when it comes to family, sometimes your vision gets clouded.

I left because she basically said she didn't need me and now I find out that she didn't really mean it. And I am being chastised for abandoning her. So for me to be trying to get her to understand that time is a wasted effort. She believes that I left HER and I didn't do that. I went to find me.

And of course now that I finally decided to start to do some deep healing work on myself, that too is back-firing. As it turned out, this year, there were two workshops (one a 3 day weekend thing and last months week long retreat) and they both happened to fall on weekends that hosted both of my kids birthdays.

I had never been invited to one of my Son's birthdays but this was his 30th and they decided to throw a party for him BUT I could not attend. Originally it was to be on the Saturday and I was planning on attending but then they chose to do it on the day of his birthday which was the Friday and I was still up at the retreat. We did talk about it and he assured me that it was not a problem. We did a little special Mom and Son the week before and then again the week after I got back and I had thought we were good. But then his Dad's widow started to berate me for not being there. I was stunned as she said that he was really hurt. I immediately called him to hear from him and he said that was not true but he had thought it would have been nice for me to be there but never was he feeling that I intentionally hurt him. But I almost went to a place of thinking that I should have cancelled my retreat which, by the way, was the most intense week I have even had.

I had a number of times that week when I just wanted to turn tail and run home but I stayed and while there were times when I truly thought I was losing my mind, I didn't back down. Sometimes we just have to go through our fears and the pain and hopefully come out the other side a little lighter and more aware of who we are NOW. It has helped me immensely as I deal with this discordance as it relates to me and my choices.

And then my daughter lets me have it saying that I chose to go to a workshop on her birthday weekend too. Again, I talked with her when she invited me to her party and explained that I knew that I would be really beat (and again emotionally spent) after the Saturday of that workshop. I had arranged to go to that workshop months before and once I had paid for it, I wanted to attend. The main focus of that workshop was on healing family wounds and coming into a place where all your relationships would benefit. She said no problem but again, she didn't really mean it. And now she is bringing that up again.

What is one supposed to do when they hear something coming from anothers mouth but it is not what is going on in their head? Let it go seems to be the best course of action.

And then there is the kids Dad's widow. I know she is hurting and angry but she is saying things that are so completely unfair to me and trying to say that I am an awful mother. She was at both the kids partys which is wonderful. They all get along so well and I know they both love her. But when she starts bringing my parenting skills and the love for my children into question, I get my back up. She said that if she had kids like mine, they would be the most important consideration in her life. And my kids are important but sometimes we need to do what needs to be done so that we can live our lives to the fullest and our adult children know this.

I haven't said this to her but I wonder sometimes why she doesn't try a little harder to be in her OWN kids lives. Yes, she has her own children and a grandchild but they are all estranged so it makes you wonder what is going on there. I do know the history but I can't go WAH WAH WAH about it to her because she obviously doesn't get it. Sure she can have a wonderful relationship with MY kids and I do not begrudge her that.....after all they love her BUT I do get angry that she can criticize me for how I am with my kids when she has so much she needs to do to get her own family stuff in order.

Oh the tangled webs we weave..........

Well this has been quite the rant hasn't it but I know that I feel good getting it all out here. I keep trying to get my daughter to get it all out with regards to her feelings for me but I guess she will do so in her own sweet time.

And then there is Christmas and all that that entails. They (the kids) are coming over on the 19th for a combination Christmas gathering and to meet my new guy. He is looking forward to meeting them and I am praying that they love him like everyone else does...or at least can see what a great guy he is. And then I'll be having another little gathering on Christmas day with my daughter, my Dad and Jimmy. I am hoping that with these times together, something will shift but regardless of what happens, I am planning on enjoying myself one way or the other.

This year I also have events to go to which is different. Two gatherings this weekend and then another one next weekend, an open house and perhaps even more as the month progresses.

But for now, I am going to go and clean up my office and perhaps even clean out my drawers. Not having any work lined up does make it possible to get all those things done that i keep putting off.

Blessings to you all.