link to new blog address

I just realized that I did not give the correct url for navigating to the new blog so for those of you who didn't realize that you could have just googled it, here you go.

www.katricesinspirationforthesoul.blogspot.com

Looking forward to sharing with you all over there.......

Blessings from Katrice

moving to Katrice's Inspiration for the Soul

So this is the official last posting for Katrice's Musings. It is time for a change and I know that you will enjoy the new and improved Musings as I share them from a higher place of consciousness. My new blog can be found at Katrice's Inspiration for the Soul so feel free to stop by, take a deep breath and feel the resonance as my Soul reachings out through the ethers to uplift and inspire one page at a time. I'm here to help you for, as Spirit moves through me, it also moves through you opening you to a higher way of being and living in the life that you are choosing.

Thank you to all of you who have been following my ramblings. I'll still be sharing my life but with a new focus on bringing more light into my day and hopefully into yours.

Be well, stay focussed and tune in as you resonate with the true calling of your Soul.

I extend my hand to you. Feel free to hold on and walk with me into the future.

Namaste

the end of this Blog

This could possibly be the end of Katrice's Musings as some things have come to light with respect to the work that I do and the content of this particular blog. So that being said, I am going to be closing down Katrice's Musing within the next day or two.

I will be starting a brand new Blog to replace it. The format will no longer be my ramblings on life but an inspirational column dealing with life in 3d. This is what I had originally intended to be using this for but unfortunately it became my on line "diary". While I like to be an open book, it has come to my attention that I should stop sharing so much of my private life and instead, use my own life's lessons to assist those of you who will resonate with the thoughts that I will soon be sharing.

I am thinking of renaming my blog Katrice's Soul Manual or Soul Musings or something like that. Once I have it up and running, I will share the new listing and hopefully more important and enlightening information will be heading your way real soon,.

To all of you who have diligently followed along with my trials and tribulations, I send you words of thanks. If you lose me along the way, you can always check my website at www.intuitiveinspiration.com for older inspirational articles as well as see what my work is really all about. And feel free to connect for a session or two, either in person or remotely. For we are all ONE and whether we are in physical proximity or not, the energies still flow fluidly from me to you.

A new day and a new me..........isn't that what it is all about. Growing and learning and sharing our truths with others from a deep compassionate place within our heart.

That is my wish for this next part of the journey.

Stay tuned................

deep reflections

What a week this has been. Some wonderful meetings and then some incredibly judgemental barbs being thrown my way.

Just had a quick conversation with my son who is, at it turns out, a very wise OLD Soul. Thanks sonny boy. He made me realize that perhaps I spend too much time seeing myself through the eyes of others instead of seeking the deeper reflection in my own mirror. And what a mirror that has been this past 24 hours.

For instance I am questioning the path that I have been on for so many years. Most of my time is spent assisting others on THEIR path, all the while forgetting about my own next steps. This being Human is such a strange ride.

Where is it that I are judging my own sweet Self? Where am I perhaps not paying attention to the call of my Heart - that place deep within that is simply seeking to accept and love ME? So much to look at today.

Mercury is supposed to be going direct again today and perhaps all these inconsistencies are simply the end of it all, moving me into a deeper place of alignment with what is next. And what is next I have to say?

Big BIG sigh.........

However, the sun is shining and if that wind ever dies down I might just be able to lay on the beach and soak up some of the Sun's healing rays. My head hurts and my stomach is unsettled. Sheesh..........

But I wish you all well as you too move into a deeper place with your own Sweet Self.

Namaste

just a test

Been having some computer woes so want to see if this is going to work. Thanks for your patience.

Katrice

Summer seems to finally have arrived......

It is a beautiful day out there and I am feeling very content with my lot in life.

Just had a phone call from someone very special who mentioned that my age as listed on various sites is different. BUSTED....... Makes me realize that there are no things you can or should be hiding from the world. When we are dishonest about little things, it makes one wonder if there are other things that may not be in alignment within our own Souls. When we lie about things to others we are simply lying to ourselves and that is not the way to live in this world. From this moment onwards, I make a solemn oath to myself to be honest with not only myself but with everyone so that I can share this REAL being in every moment. Thank you Isaac.

There have been many instances of late when I have been made to look in the mirror and honestly view the reflection that is shining back to me. So much of my life has been trying to be something other than the truth with others with the direct affect of having this dishonesty reflected back to me. Bringing in people who are not who they say they are and then trying to figure out what exactly it is that I am bringing in to my life. Big LESSON here.

So for today, and for the rest of my time here, I am being ME with an acceptance of all that I am and all that I can be, knowing it is all good and real true and filled with the loving essence of my Soul..

May your day be filled with love, joy and laughter.

Namaste

what a difference a few hours makes

I just had a wonderful meditation circle with some beautiful souls. Makes me realize that THIS is what I do best. Feel so very fulfilling. And it is a very good thing because something from the past resurfaced today. It has been almost 9 months since I have had to deal with this situation. But thankfully I have learned so much about me this past same 9 months. I know a different woman will stand within the energy this time. Hmmmmmmmm, 9 months - a typical gestation period. I guess you could say a rebirth is upon me.

During my circle this evening I was amazed at how I managed to get it all into the 2 hour time frame that I had set out…..without any stress or angst. Spirit just weaved through me and it all came together in perfect divine order. Felt such amazing energy and support from the Light and yes, it was the light that I felt, connecting with and through me. I feel blessed.

It is in these moments that I feel my Soul sing and all is right with my world. I have a meeting scheduled with someone tomorrow regarding a Volunteer role at a hospice for terminally ill people. My offering to them will be in the form of meditation circles as a support during these trying times – giving of my gifts to these transitioning Souls as a service to Source.

While the money might not be flowing in swiftly at this time, there is a minimum of stress. I find that there is a certain amount of money I like to see in the bank at any given time and as long as it stays above this LINE for me, I feel abundant. And I seem to be doing it which still amazes me. Perhaps I really am being supported by the Universe.

That’s a wonderful thought and I choose to embrace it as the Universe embraces me.

What we give out, we receive back - but multiplied - to the extent that we open ourselves to receive.

We are all One.

Namaste

weird energies swirling around today

WOW......has this day been a blur. Been trying to get it together since an early morning instant message from someone from the past. Didn't realize how much that little connection would affect my entire energy field. Methinks there is still work to be done there. BUT please God/Goddess let me handle the rest of my life without this becoming so all consuming.

Sigh..........I'll be fine. I know that this is simply something to do with the Full Moon of Saturday. One of the most intense ones I've personally felt in a very long while. My meditation circle tonight is focussing on the personality's resistance to fully letting go of its control due to deeply entrenched conditioning and unconquered shadow residue. Hence the connection with this Soul from the past. Had thought I HAD let go of that energy but from the reaction that I am moving within, it appears that I have NOT. Will this never end.

I do remember times in the past when trying to detach from this Soul connection, I would lament that I would not be fully released from this energetic cord until this Being left the Earth's realm. I have ALWAYS been able to let go of people when it was time but this one will not release it's grip. Even though we have not conversed for almost 9 months, still the old energy was RIGHT THERE front and centre - almost as if it was ready to begin anew. Another chance to continue the work that we are here to do together.

But then of course I could be just full of poop........who the heck knows.

At this very moment however a bright bit of light. The phone company is changing my services and upgrading the speed of my internet connection and it will save me....yup...SAVE ME almost $15.00 a month. THIS is good so I am choosing to see this as a LIGHT at the end of the tunnel. Anything that is a positive energy works for me right now.

So blah blah blah......not the most inspirational message for this moment but it is what it is.

Opening to a deeper place

Has anyone else noticed a change in their dream time of late?

It has been years since I have remembered my dreams but this past couple of months, something has changed. Nightly now I wake up and have all these images floating around in my head. A couple of other friends have also commented on this phenomenon too. Could it be the veils are lifting or perhaps we are just opening up to other aspects of ourselves?

I do know that I am opening to a more conscious way of living and perhaps with that the Spirits are starting to move closer. Of course with my work this past 20 years I have always opened to the highest within myself and within others. But still dream time eluded me....until now. I do wake up rather tired though so know that I have been travelling far and wide during this time.

Had a lovely Mother's Day dinner at my daughter's place yesterday. This was the first meal I have shared with her at her apartment and, as it turns out the first real meal she has prepared for guests. She has had friends over for appies and the like but yesterday she did this amazing THAI feast for me, her fathers long time girlfriend and her brother and his fiance. Now that I think about it I don't think she has EVER cooked a meal for me so being there watching her do the little homemaker thing was a big dose of reality. She is no longer a little girl and it felt great seeing her in her element. Happy in her little space, new furniture and pictures all over the place. She is making her own home and thriving so BIG SIGH for me as her Mother.

As I sit here listening to the wet streets out there again........yes the rains are back.....I know that the weather is having an adverse affect on me and my energy. Will it ever end? Of course there is a whole lot of deep green everything so we know that the land is happy and healthy. However, I so want it to be warm and sunny again. It has been such a long winter and Spring is having a very hard time taking hold or at least flowing within in all.

So here's to a Happy Monday for you all. Blessings abound.....

sunday thoughts

Seem to have been busier this past couple of weeks and it sure feels good. Not exactly raking in the dough but moving closer to where it is all coming into alignment with me and what it is that I am wanting to be giving out into the Universe. You might notice a new photo of me appearing here and I have my wonderful daughter to thank for it. She is focussing on her photography so I thought it would be nice to see if she could get a picture that I felt good about and boy oh boy, she got lots. So if anyone is looking for someone to take some photos for either their portfolio or just to have something nice to look at, let me know and I'll shoot her contact information along to you. Since she has only been doing this for the past couple of years, and it is still a hobby, she will not cost you a fortune so, really think about it.

Gotta go now as I have a whole list of things to accomplish and the day is already half way done.

Enjoy your day.

Mid week check in

Was moving along at a great clip, feeling very focussed and positive about the future and then yesterday, the momentum slowed down. Got a call from one place that seems to be all about red tape, boards and "the norm"........not a good place for me.

Had been told by someone "in the know" that when you want to get your work out into the world, it is best to start in your neighbourhood - somewhere where you are at home - so, taking that into consideration, I approached the local Seniors networking place a few blocks from home. Had a GREAT meeting with the programmer and she was all excited about my coming in to offer meditation circles for the Seniors AND to do a day a week offering mini healing sessions. Now, it turns out that all proposals that come into this space have to go through a BOARD approval process. WHAT!!! The programmer is new and was shocked that she couldn't just set up a time and let me get at it. So while a minor glitch has occurred, she still is looking at ways to get me in there to get my name out more into the community.

Turns out that since they already have someone else offering Meditation in the other community centres in the area, they won't let me offer my brand of circles because, as they say, it is not fair to offer competition to the people who have been there previous to my coming on to the scene. AND this person doesn't even offer it to the Seniors PLUS they say I have to have insurance............WHAT!!! I say again.

What kind of insurance does a meditation facilitator get? Insurance saying that you promise that they won't get TOO enlightened? Frustrating to say the least. So that affected me and not in a great way. But didn't initially realize that it had.

Last night was my regular meditation circle offering in my home and no one showed up. I knew earlier in the day that the energies were not aligned but still, when the time came and went I did feel let down. No expectations right! I do try but sometimes this little human in me succumbs to feelings of lack. I think that is what was showing up or perhaps it was a feeling that what I offer is not good enough and as soon as I write that, I know that that is just the little me whining.

I realize that sometimes what it is that I wish to take out into the world will take some time to get rolling. I am ready willing and able right now though and just wish it would all happen quicker.

I did have a wonderful session with a new client yesterday. Amazing energy with a VERY beautiful Soul. Hope to do more with him in the future. He had never worked with someone like me but he felt that Spirit had led him to me so I'll just be patient and see what comes down the road. I do love to do my healing work. It makes me so aware of ME and my place in the world. Now just need to do more of it.

In case you didn't know it, I do remote healing sessions too for any of you who might want to check that out. Incredibly powerful as we are all interconnected so let me know if you want some more information about this aspect of the work.

So I've now been up since 5:30 a.m. and the gym should be open so I'm going to go and sweat and get on with my day.

Blessings to you all.

Perfect timing and the call of Destiny

and it has been busy this past few days. I am so happy to have made this transition into a place where I am focussed on what it is that I am putting out there and, more importantly on what I am resonating with within.

The response has been amazingly positive when I have put my proposal to various folks around town. I KNOW how important a regular meditation practice is and to be offering it into the Seniors is a perfect fit. the timing seems to be in alignment with this shift within more and more communities, or perhaps I should say demographics. And I am ready, willing and more than able to provide this service. Feels good.

Heading over to meet with one of these prospects of mine and I spent a part of last night envisioning where in the facility I would like to conduct these, the space and the feel of it all. I'm ready.

Weather is weird. One moment it is hot and sunny and then a cold wave will hit and it whacks me big time. I keep getting these little mini headaches, just enough to make me feel all cloggy..it tends to slow me down. I don't remember being so affected by weather patterns as I am these days. Could it be menopause or perhaps a shifting into a different level of awareness? Probably a bit of the two methinks.

There has also been a change in how I am feeling when I am out in public these days too. Can't quite put my finger on it but perhaps a more detached sense of the importance of others in my life. I think that I used to be always "watching" to see if anyone noticed me....don't quite know what that was about either. Now, however, I am finding myself smiling just because and am not as aware of everyone else anymore.

When I was taking public transit to the course I did notice that NO ONE made eye contact, let alone lifted their eyes from their laps (if sitting) or their feet. Everyone is their own little world. And I guess that is what we are meant to be doing through these changing times.

I am sensing that we are to become immersed in our own little world and have it be enough. This is not to say that we will detach completely from others.....hey we all need companionship in whatever form it appears.....but we will realized the importance of our own companionship with our Self. That is something that I have had issues with my entire life. Feeling like I needed to have others in my space, physically, so that when I was alone, it felt like something was missing. And at the end of the day it turned out to be me.

I have come to this realization a couple of other times in my life but had always fallen into the old patterns that were familiar even though they didn't work......mainly because I was looking for others to fulfill some piece of me that I thought was empty. It is different this time.

I am heeding my own counsel. I am allowing the solitude to envelop me in its loving embrace. More importantly - I am moving forward in my life like I have not done for a VERY VERY VERY long time. Finding the niche that will welcome me in work wise is also very important. I had initially thought that I would get a "job" but now realize that I will take me to a number of different places to share all that I have to give. There will be variety, lots of people contact and a chance to make a very real difference in the lives of some souls who are feeling lost and alone out in their world.

Time to get this show on the road. Destiny calls.............

Happy Earth Day

Another weekend looms and there appear to be a lot of different activities around the city with regards to Earth Day. Might head out to one of these and perhaps bang on the drum once more. Haven't been doing that much these past few months, probably because I had been involved with someone so spent more time just hanging out that anything else. But now, I am open to getting out there and being with me on a more regular basis.

Working on the work aspect more diligently too which feels good. Have a meeting with someone from one of the more upscale retirement communities in the area so hoping that that manifests into work on one or more levels. A step in the right direction for sure so feeling quite positive about the possibilities.

Have reconnected with some people that I had detached from and so know that much is looming on the horizon. Again a step in the right direction.

Not much to report actually but wanted to put something here and will write more later.

Easter Sunday musings

Happy Easter everyone. As I wrote that I realized, for most people, Easter is simply another reason to eat way too much food AND eat chocolate.

When I was a child I do remember going to Easter Sunday services at church and loving the celebration and practice that was associated with it. Today however, it is simply another rainy day and quite cold to boot so not feeling all that celebratory. I am going to be spending it with my soon to be "family" as my son is getting married in September to a wonderful Chilean woman who has this amazing, boisterous and MAJOR celebratory family. It will be fun for sure. Lots of music, dancing and singing.......her Father has an amazing voice and supposedly, his brother and an uncle are very well known singers in South America. He regales us with this amazing stories of his uncle who, as it turns out partied with the likes of Sammy Davis, Jr., Frank Sinantra and Dean Martin...........must have been an interesting time. But, for today, we will make do with Alejandro's booming voice as he serenades us for the afternoon.

But for now, I am heading over to pick up Dear Old Dad to take him along to this celebration....I am choosing to think of it as a celebration of LIFE........young, old and everything in between.

Blessings

Here's to weekends filled with Love and Joy

They have been predicting rain for today but I just came back from the beach because it was just too warm to be there in my jeans and boots. The sky is a beautiful clear vibrant blue and the sun is wonderfully warm.

Had my first meeting with the group after the ending of the official portion of the course. Felt so very powerful and positive when sharing today and realize that I am really ready to get going. Lots of assistance is available and some of my new friends are interested in coming to the meditation circles so that feels wonderful too. I notice that the past few days the word "wonderful" keeps cropping up.

FULL OF WONDER...........what a great state to be in. Not full of angst which is something that has been resonating for so very long. I felt like I had so much to share today with the others in the group and noticed that my sense of optimism is on high beam and I was sharing this sense of positivity with them all. My mind is clear and I have so much to offer.

Had my second meeting with one of the facilitators after class today and he said that I seemed to be moving forward and really getting things in order so our meeting didn't take very long. A 45 minute block of time had been allotted but he said that that it was obviously not necessary to spend much time here as I had so much ready to move forward with already. It was apparent to him that there didn't seem to be anything else that needed to be added to my own schedule for the next week or so. Cool......on a number of levels.

Then went for a walk with a friend of mine who is so very confused. Ahhh, relationships or perhaps I should say the "potential" for a relationship has surfaced over the past few months but, and yes there is a but, this gentleman, who looks like the perfect partner for her, is already married AND still involved with and living in relationship with another woman. Why do these things present themself to not only her but a number of other women I know at this time?

Is there some inherent flaw in humans in this city that makes them incapable of being monogamous? It sure is apparent in the people in my age group (loosely from 40 to 60 years old) because it keeps cropping up for so many. One good thing that has come out of this - at least for me - is that I can not go into something like this. They keep coming to me too, these men who are not available, nor capable it seems of being available to simply have one love in their lives and it makes me pause.

I am sitting in a complete state of freedom now that I have this life work of mine to focus on. In being able to counsel my friends, I am coming into a much more powerful sense of my own self with regards to relationships. This relationship that I am developing with ME at this time in my life is and, here is that word again...wonderful. I don't feel the need to be with someone right now and THAT is huge.

I am going to an Easter potluck celebration with my son's fiance's family - and I guess now MY family too - and I am so excited because there will be young children there. I called to ask my son's fiance's sister and brother-in-law if I could bring some Easter chocolates to their beautiful young boys and the answer was yes. Oh goodie I said because they are very strict with "junk" food for the boys but, as Patrick said, there are special occasions and this is one of them. We are going to hide a bunch of Easter treats all over the yard and have an Easter egg hunt........woohoo. Let the fun begin. And that is exactly what I am working with too. A sense of FUN and JOY at simply being alive and able to enjoy that.

I no longer feel the need to have to have someone special in my life in order for me enjoy my life. I have a lot of people in my life who ARE already a special part of me and my world and that sustains me. Plus, dear old Dad gets to participate too and he will be thrilled.

So enjoy your weekend and let it be filled with Love and Joy because that is what I wish for each and every one of you.

Namaste

The real work now begins

The past couple of days here have been incredibly beautiful. The sun is shining, the temperature has risen and I can even go out in just a t-shirt without having to worry about the cold. Ah, Spring has arrived.

My head is a tad clogged up though. Have had a low grade headache and feeling like I am floating. Been doing my research about potential areas within which to share my gifts and skills and getting ready to send out introductory letters to those organizations that I feel would be a good fit. Still looking at the seniors sector as I feel that is where my skills will be most appreciated. The need to give for me seems to be the biggest factor in getting out there again. I do admit, however, to needing support for me as well during this time of transition.

I used to say I was going through a "shift" but it has become more than that of late. A deeper transition is occurring within and that is causing a bit of angst. Reaching out to others for assistance for me is something that I have always had a hard time doing but this time I know that it is a necessary part of my own personal transition. Wanting to help others at the same time as I am seeking assistance for myself keeps circulating and it is a different place for me.

One very big piece of the puzzle is coming together in that I have managed to heal some wounds with my children and that is wonderful. This has been a hard time as I was actually thinking that it wasn't going to come about but Spirit has been weaving its magic and life is coming together in that end. So one aspect of my life is going through a huge healing.

When reading over my last post I have to remember that image of myself reaching to the stars and knowing that I am connecting to a part of me that has been searching for so long. A new expanded being is ready to step up to the podium and share all that I have learned thus far.

I wish you a wonderful day as you too reach for your own stars.

Blessings and much love abounds....

Transitions

This past week, I finished a 3 week course called Transitions and to say it has altered my perception of MY life would be an understatement. One of the key points that came out of it was that we are all products of our beliefs, our upbringing, and our sense of our self. So many people have such a limited awareness of all that they are, all that they have been and, more importantly, all that they can be. We hold so much inside, for fear of what will emerge, that we hold ourselves back from experiencing all that we so dearly wish to have in our life. Through all the revelations of each of the Souls in the class, this I now know to be true.

It is important that we remember not to bottle up our emotions, and that we allow ourselves to receive any support that is offered to us. No-one travels through life unscathed. Emotional pain is one of the unpleasant facts of life. Yet it can also be seen as a gift as long as it is recognized and released and not held on to.

Mourning for what has been lost pierces our heart and opens us up to new and deeper dimensions of feeling. The process brings about transformation through an expansion of awareness. The most sympathetic and empathetic people are those who have the courage and strength to face, acknowledge and release their own suffering. Each of our personal experiences have taught us much.

Could it now be time to recognise this and to release the old with compassion, thereby creating the space in your life for new and positive energy to come in? I, for one, believe this to be true.

I find that throughout last night and continuing on throughout my day today, I have felt as if a blanket of acceptance has been gently placed upon me for all that I have gone through and all that I am currently experiencing. My wish today is that we settle into a place of compassion for ourselves and for all those who are also working through their own brand of transition.

It has been a powerful 24 hours for me. Oh and that other friend who was also considering moving....YUP....she is also leaving the downtown core on April 15th. But you know what, it just doesn't matter now. I am in a place where I am very ready to meet and embrace all that is new and all that is waiting for me.

Last night I participated in another meditation circle in a beautiful setting on the water. I saw myself standing on a very high precipice; arms outstretched, wrapped in a beautiful diaphanous cloak of pure white light. The sense of pure divinity and a brand new being emerging was very present.

I know that I feel much lighter today and the feeling that it is all DIVINE permeates my Soul. I sigh a breath of relief. I am here........aaahhhhhhhhhhh

Swirling emotions

Today turned out to be a beautiful Spring like day after the wind died down or perhaps the wind is what made it the day that it was. So fresh out there and that is exactly what I needed.

Got rather emotional during one of the exercises in the course today. Found myself crying and not being able to stop. The tears just started to come and I even had to leave the room for a while and hide out in a cubicle in the washroom

The main problem was, or at least I think it was, that I am feeling those pangs of lonliness again. And it is not lonliness for a partner but the lonliness for family and friends and a support network that I truly feel that I can share and be myself with.........even when I am having a bad day.

Seems that I have a hard time sharing myself with many people and one of my main "sharing partners" is moving out of the downtown core and I know that I will miss her smiling face as I just know that when people leave this part of town, it is harder and harder to come down this way. Another friend is also considering moving and since I only have a couple of people that I do share myself with, this will leave me relatively alone.....all the time. But for today, I was grieving the loss of my son's companionship.

We used to spend a lot of time together, sometimes sharing meals 3 times a week. I miss that a LOT. I realize thast it is unreasonable to expect us to share that much time together but since he returned to Vancouver a couple of years ago, and moved in with his girlfriend I can count on one hand the times we have spent together sharing and laughing. She has a problem with him spending much time with me and of course since he loves her, he is not wanting to rock the boat. But I am feeling very left out of his life and that hurts a lot. He is getting married in the Fall and I so want to know what is happening with him and how he is really doing. I miss our sharings and to that end I did leave him a message today and asked him to call me.

And he did..........which is great. We are now going to have brunch on Saturday and hopefully we can come up with an arrangement that doesn't rock the boat with the fiance and allows me to see him on a more regular basis. I am going to suggest one night or afternoon a month to share a meal and gab. Is that too much to ask for? I don't really. How is it with other woman and their grown sons? I don't know but I do know that for me, I need more time with my kids that I have been getting.

My daughter and I are on a more even keel though and I thank the Gods for that.

Anyway, off to make dinner and prepare for a meditation circle.

Blessings to you all.

Sunday thoughts

Feeling a little lonely today even though I have spoken to a few people and gone for a walk with another. Sure wish I could just accept the fact that I am not in a relationship. I have been trying to manifest one for the past 5 years and haven't been doing such a good job of it. Yeah, yeah I know. If we try too hard for something we simply succeed in pushing it further away. It's all about balance. Putting it out there and then letting it have free reign while I proceed in living my life exactly as it is. And to be honest, it is not that bad.

I'm feeling very good about my future job prospects now at least. Was getting a tad anxious now that I admit it to myself. All those old beliefs about age and the like. Getting old on one level is just a state of mind but at the end of the day, I am very aware of my earth years. Something occurred last night that got my attention.

Went African dancing which I love but it was different this time or perhaps my expectations around it all have shifted. I noticed that when I was dancing last night, I was not as aware of others dancing around. Just got into my own groove and found a spot and moved to the music. There was this woman there who is well known around town as an African dance instructor. She usually attends these particular dance events and always is surrounded by various people who have been in her classes and/or perform with her at performances. I took a class with her a couple of years ago so have the rythym necessary to do most of the traditional moves. Found that I spotted her and immediately started to do the dance that she was doing with her group. It took me into a different place within me within the dance and it felt great. I also realized that I will not be finding me someone to dance at these events as most of the men of my age group are there with partners and wives and the rest of the men are simply too young for me. But, instead of becoming despondent about it all, I just realized that it is all about the dance and my own self expression. Danced until I could no longer do so and then simply came home. Felt good.

There is still this slight sense of loss or perhaps a feeling of openness that is ready to be filled. Sigh. I do know however that it is not a time for me to be seeking out a relationship as I have work to do on my self. A few months ago I found a quote on line and I think I even shared it with you all when I originally found it. It goes something like this...

I want a genuine, conscious loving relationship and I am willing to do whatever work I need to do on myself to make this desire come true.

And I do want that and I AM prepared to spend time on myself to make me attractive to the energy that is already coming my way. Patience needs to become my word. Understanding needs to be brought to the surface of my consciousness so that I am clear as to what it is that I truly DO desire in a relationship. I thought I knew what that was. Now, however, those desires, or should I say NEEDS, have shifted.

Looking forward to a relationship wherein I am in charge of me and he is in charge of him. A sense of respect and allowing is imperative. Allowing me to be me and allowing me to flail around if that is what I need to do at any given moment. A sense that all is in complete and divine order is what I am opening up to. For to try to fight it would be futile.

A couple of lines from a poem come to me.

No need to push, no need to pull
Just let it come to you.

Waiting for whatever is meant to come to me to just do that.....come to me that is.

In the meantime, I think I'll go and clean off my balcony in preparation for all those beautiful spring flowers that I am getting later this week to plant. Bringing a sense of beauty and joy into my world again. It's time...

Blessings on this beautiful Sunday.

Namaste

still slightly overwhelmed

The amount of paper that is generated within this course that I am taking is extreme. Add that to the fact that I have a "thing" about paper and you can see how it can be exhausting. On the other hand however, it is making me much more in alignment with me and the skills that I do have to offer out there in the land of the real world. Lots of possibilities showing themselves so now it is simply up to me to get out there and market me......

One of the exercises was one where we write up a 2 or 3 minute blurb in response to the comment.....So tell me a little bit about yourself. We had to talk about our work, what our skills are and our interests and passions. When I stood up and shared ME with everyone, I got a resounding WOW. And to make it even better, I too went WOW as I realized that I have a lot of skills to bring to the table and don't feel so weird talking about the work that I do. It is all about the presentation and sharing my own belief in myself. So that is huge.

Am now leaning towards work in the field of Elder Care and recreational activities for this segment of the population. Has a lot to do with the fact that my own father is in a Care facility. I know that I get a huge boost when I see the faces of these old folks light up in my presence so hoping that I can find something in that field. It would also be fun to work in entertainment but I am trying to be realistic and while I like the fast paced action life out there in the world, I know that I only have so much energy and would rather make a difference in the world in a more heartfelt way.

One of the other areas that has shown up is working in the field of voice over work, particularly cartoon voice overs or commercial work. I have a good speaking voice so have contacted a woman I know who runs classes in voice over work. That would be a good way to make some money too, especially in Hollywood North so we'll see what happens there.

I couldn't sleep much last night. Woke up at 4 a.m. and just tossed and turned until 6 a.m. so am now waiting for the gym to open to go and sweat out whatever it is that is making me anxious today.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

overload and a tad overwhelmed

Feeling very tired today. Brain was somewhat in overload after getting even more paper to work with. I have a thing with paper anyway, so this does not surprise me.

Have any of you tried doing the Myers Briggs profile work? Very interesting what comes up through that particular exploration. Discovered a few new things about me that at first I didn't agree with but, with a little digging, it started to make sense. So even more things to throw into the pot that is now swirling around in my head. Sheesh...there is so much information to go through and we are only at the mid way point of the course. I am assured that it will all come together in some sort of cohesiveness and for that I am grateful.

Need to take a wee nap now but will be sure to share much more later, or tomorrow.

Blessings to you all

Discovering me.....Week Two

Ah yes, opening and expanding. Today we did an exercise to start to look at potential work opportunities down the road. A whole bunch of them point to having to have had a university education and .... alas, that is not moi. Lots of life experience and of course being a Divine Being to boot but it doesn't exactly translate into regular work experiences in THIS world or, so I had thought. But then a second thought came into my head and it went something like this..ahem...

Why shouldn't I be doing the work that calls to me utilizing the gifts and talents I bring to the table even without a university degree? I truly believe the perfect "job" will appear just as soon as I can firmly hone in on what this will look like - the perfect JOB that is.

I have narrowed it down somewhat though. I must be working with people in some sort of capacity, in the area of counselling of some sort or facilitating something or something working with flowers or interior decorating. There is also another thing that I personally had never thought about and I know I would be good at that.

O.K. Here goes.........A Cartoon Voice-over artist...different eh??

For those of you who know me, you guys know that I have a number of different voices already so why not have fun and make some money at the same time? Anyway, its a thought...

So did a bit of checking around but my brain can only handle so much "learning or studying" a day. I'm going to take it easy this evening.

After all, its a school night...............smile

Opening and expanding

Was quite surprised to wake up to a relatively sunny morning. Had been expecting lots of rain this weekend but so far so good. Getting ready to go for a walk with that gentleman that I met while walking home on Friday. What the heck? You can't ever have too many people to be walking buddies. He seems nice but there is something very childlike about him which doesn't seem to resonate with a man in his 50's. But what do I know. It just might be that he is not jaded and truly enjoys life like a child. We'll see.

Went to meet a woman who runs a little kiosk in a beautiful shopping centre on the North Shore. She told me that she has enough staff now but is restructuring and wanted to meet me to see exactly who I am. I am noticing that while I might not have gotten any JOB yet, the people who are calling to "meet" me are very intrigued by my resume. This woman just had to meet me and now wants me to meet the regional director of the company in a couple of weeks. The kiosk is a short term thing as they are looking at moving into the MAIN and TOTALLY COOL part of the complex with is called The Village. Now that would interest me but again, we'll see.

We'll see seems to be the theme here. A sense of openness and no expectation is what my life seems to be resonating with today. Feels good.

Openness..................expansive
No Expectations......again expansive

I think I like this theme. The idea of opening to possibilities with no expectations leaves the door wide open for anything to appear. Seems like a good way to operate through this time of transition.

Have a wonderful Sunday

Happy Solstice.......

So today was a tad emotional for me and for a couple of other people too. Had to do a couple of projects that for some odd reason got to me. One of them, while at first might sound morbid, was to write our own obituary. In actuality, it was to see how it was we wanted to be remembered........what is it about our lives that we are proud of and wish to commemorate. Found that I was pretty emotional when reading it over and realized some more things about me that I had hints about but here it got quite in depth so, while being emotional, it was still a very good exercise for me.

The weather looked like it would be beautiful so I started to walk home. Managed to get home before the rains started but am a tad disappointed because I had intended to go for another walk around the lagoon once I got home and changed shoes and stuff. Did meet a nice man while walking home though and had a lovely conversation while wandering up the street. Should be interesting to see if I run into him again. He is a photographer and film maker who is doing something for the 2010 Olympics. He did manage to let me know that he is single and over 50 but in good shape which is nice........checked me out and took a look at my hand and said "So are you married?" I said no and he said I would be sure to see him around the neighbourhood and then he took my hand and kissed it. Quite romantic actually......grin Can't really remember ever having some man kiss my hand.

Anyway, it is now the weekend so looking forward to finishing up the exercises that we have for "home" work or, as the facilitators call it, LIFE work.

Blessings

Warrior Sage and Transitions......hmmmm

Another amazing day. Was mentioning to them all how amazed I have been at the energy that I have experienced this whole week. Getting up at around 6:00 a.m. every day without the need for an alarm and then being able to move through my day AND having evening events every day too. What a week but now I am slightly tired.

Went to a talk last night through a group known as Warrior Sage and THAT was something else. Funny, enlightening, sometimes uncomfortable. Sure didn't want him to bring me up on stage but it seems that his "followers" are in LOVE with all that he is. Felt kind of culty but all the 250 people who showed up after the facilitator just Tuesday decided to host this event. He definitely has something and to be able to check it all out for free in the midst of my Transitions course seemed somewhat apropo. AND to top it off my facilitator for the Thursday and Friday portions of my course sat right in front of me. Should be a different day at class methinks. Interesting...

So off to get ready for today. Hope yours flows smoothly.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

It has been a very long day. Got up around 5:30 a.m. (YIKES!!!) and have been going ever since.

Had another great day at the course but can feel some emotions coming up around the whole exercise. It's all good though.

Went over to my father's Care Centre to celebrate St. Patrick's Day AND his 89th birthday. He got to drink perhaps a tad too much green beer but was certainly a happy camper when we all left. Both my son and my daughter were in attendance so it was a lovely even for him....and me now that I think about it. Felt great to be with family and having everyone happy and smiling. Go Irish...........

Going to head to bed new and get all rested up for Day 3.

40 years vs first day...........what???

Today I got a message via facebook regarding my ARGH!!!!!!! 40th high school reunion. How did that happen. I find it rather interesting that this surfaced today because today was the first day of "school" for me, so to speak. Started that course called "Transitions" and it felt great to be there.

The energy of the instructor was "perfect" for me. She might be a tad too much for a few people but generally she kept us upbeat and laughing, ready to get on with the work at hand. And what exactly is the work we will be doing???

We are going to be discovering who we really are and what it is that makes us tick. Those things that are unique to us and those gifts that we can share with others. And in my case, it is seeing how best to take ME out into the real world without losing my best parts. I'm excited.

At the end of the first day, I had a chance to sit with the instructor and get to know her, as she did me, by simply chatting. She started off by saying how "cool" I was. And I said, Hey, I want your job. She told me to hold on to that thought because she said I am perfect for HER job. So who knows. Anyway, we had a wonderful chat and I am chomping at the bit to get back there tomorrow.

And then the 40th High School reunion...........THAT should be something. I never stayed in contact with anyone from those days. Saw them all at my 15th reunion and that was interesting. But 40 years........my God. Funnily enough the woman who contact me via facebook asked if my name was "my old name" because, as she said, I look just like HER. So not bad eh?

She found me on facebook and knew it was me from my recent picture which calls me by the name I have been using for almost 20 years and not my given name. And we now know this picture is 40 years later BUT, she said I look just the same. And now that I think about it, I do feel pretty good about how I look on the outside. Now to get in alignment with and appreciate who I AM on the inside. I know that this course will be of great assistance to me and I feel more positive than I have in a long LONG time.

I hope to be checking in here with a daily update and hopefully, not only will I be able to document the process I am going through, BUT it will be 21 days. And 21 days is supposedly the number of days it takes to put something into practice.........like writing daily. Like I said, this is exciting.

So blessings to one and all and be good to yourself. You deserve it.

Sunday morning blurb

Feeling a little bit more tired today. Woke up very early and then had a quick phone call from "him" (back in brackets so we all know of whom I am speaking). Had the strangest question for me but I think he just wanted to have a reason to call me. At least no yelling or trying to take me out of my centre. Certainly was no energy within me wanting to have him come to me. So done with that energy.

And then, my wonderful friend from Barbados connected through Skype. Talked with him for over an hour. This is a man I met on line around 2 years ago and he has been there for me throughout all of this bulls**t with those other men. Hey, ya never know. Feels safer knowing that he is all the way over there and I am here but he has suggested we meet in the real world soon. And I do know that I need to meet him finally. I am amazed that he has never disappeared from my little world EVER since we first spoke. a nice man and that is perhaps what is getting to me. Am I ready for a genuinely NICE man. One who is honest, intelligent, creative (he is a singer, musician and producer complete with his own studio on his property) and without an ounce of judgment about anything. Ah, not getting carried away but I guess I will just see what happens. He said today that perhaps he is just going to have to come and get me so that we can take this relationship of ours to the next level. I, however, have a 3 week course starting tomorrow so I don't have to concern myself with that for a while anyway. Me and men. What am I going to do? And of course, when I have said to myself that no men for me for a while. Thank God for something like a whole continent between us, not to mention a bit of ocean.........smile..........

Heading over to have lunch with Dear Old Dad because I won't be able to for the next little while. Perhaps play a game of crib too. At least I am doing something right in that area. He is always so happy to see me. I can't imagine being where he is but then again, I am not him so how can I ever know what really is going on with him. Hey......half the time I don't even know what is going on with me.......groan

So glad that the course starts tomorrow. Will give me a focus for the next short while and that feels good. Moving forward and being pro-active in changing my life - for the better for sure.

I wish for you all a day of joy and wonder at all the possibilities out there.

liberating freedom

I feel like a 150 pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm being facetious but I did send "him" on his merry little way. Feels oh so very good to be able to say "get outta here" but in a nice and gentle way. No anger, just a deep knowingness that this is NOT the way I see my future unfolding.

Am quite excited about the start of the little 3 week course of mine this Monday. It is called Transitions and seems so very fitting for me at this time in my life. Letting go of that baggage seems so much easier knowing that a new phase of my life is set to start. No need to be taking all the OLD into the NEW now is there?

I was driving around yesterday after a conversation with "him". I wonder why I put "him" into brackets like he is simply an afterthought or something not quite right. Don't know why but I'm sure someone can answer that for me.

Anyway as I drove around in the quiet of my thoughts, I had some pretty harsh revelations about ME that made me go "Hey, this is NOT me, nor is it the way I see my life unfolding." I did not go all judgmental on myself either which was wonderful.......just acknowledged what had transpired. In essence, I just accepted the why of it all and chose to choose differently. And part of that different choice was to say goodbye to him. There...no brackets.

Slept well last night. Had a great workout at the gym and am just generally feeling like the future is presenting itself as a glowing ball of energy - one that I just have to reach out for and accept. I have so many options available. Sure they don't look like they did when I was in my 20's or 30's but I do know that I have so many more life skills, not to mention "special gifts" that I am confident. Confident in my abilities. Confident in my place in the world. Confident in the future, however it presents itself.

Had a conversation with a guy at the gym yesterday and he said a couple of little things that really got me thinking about what the state of my connection was to that man. He stuck a cord I guess and this guy doesn't ever string more than a couple of phrases together.......pretending that that is a conversation. Then last night, we spoke again and I just had to thank him for his perception on the whole affair. He is a single man afterall and has his own take on things so, for him to have been able to help me move through this was a definite gift.

Feeling so relaxed and hoping that this will be my normal way of feeling, not just a place for the relief to settle into.

Yes, feeling positive about life again. It has been such a long time now that I have not trusted myself. So hard on the energy..........sometimes up and positive and sometimes down and flat lining, or so it seemed. At the end of the day however, I can say with confidence that I will not be going down that road any more.

The past 5 years has perhaps been the biggest learning curve I have ever experienced. Seeking some things and then losing clarity about what I really wanted and/or needed. When I stepped out of what was occurring for me, I had to ask myself WHY...........

Why was I choosing to bring in that sort of energy? Did I feel that I wasn't worth more than that? Was there a part of me that didn't want to step up to the plate and take charge once and for all for ME? That's a good one.

Was there a part of me that didn't want to step up to the plate and take charge once and for all?

And methinks that this just might be the kicker behind it all and also why this particular man came into my life..........He is looking for someone to look after him, on a number of different levels, with a very unfair balance of giving and receiving. And at the end of the day, it does all come down to balance.

Balance in all areas of our lives. Not falling into a trap of over doing constantly or giving to the point of exhaustion. I realize that I am worthy of receiving too but in perfect balance with what I am putting out. I also know that I had had my heart pretty well locked up, only opening it up on those few occasions where I really felt some love coming my way. And when it didn't come in the package I had envisioned, I tried to "imagine" it into being. Does that make sense? This effectively kept my true heart and emotions barricaded behind a wall on insecurity....

Boy oh boy, am I good at looking at things from a detached place. That too has been a "thing" with me for EVER. I do tend to remain detached to some degree........and I know it is fear of being hurt - all the while hurting myself because I couldn't remain open and receiving.

So a good day all in all. May you all have a wonderful Saturday doing whatever you choose to do and with whomever you choose to do it.

POOF......another week gone

How do I do that? It amazes me how my days can just slip by, apparently with me at the helm but I have no idea where they went............the days that is.............this week.

Of course I guess I had a wee bit of a shock almost 2 weeks ago so to be wandering in a slight bit of a daze shouldn't surprise me. What does surprise me however, is how I have weathered this particular storm.

It has pushed me to get more pro-active in my life and look further than next week which is a good thing. I have also started to resume weekly meditation circles which is a great boost to me. It means that I have to step outside of the worldly distractions and focus on the inner world..my inner world and the inner self of the masses. I know that what we each do in our own life has a direct effect on the worlds of those around us and, more importantly, on the collective unconsciousness......or is that the collective consciousness? I always get confused with that one.

I have been delving inside trying to unearth the whys and how comes of the people that I bring into my life. And each time I get the same answer.

You are in the midst of a deeper healing while STILL working on the same issues with each and every person you come into contact with. The harder the lessons, the deeper you get to go.

I am looking at it all as a gift - learning more and more about me in every moment. So while I had a moment of sadness at the perceived injustice of it all, I do know, in my heart and Soul that I am getting closer and closer to a place of love for me - within it all.

Was reading a bit about the law of attraction this morning and on one site there was this affirmation or intention.

I want a genuine, conscious, loving relationship and I will do whatever work on myself I need to do to make this desire come true.

It got my attention. Am I doing whatever work I need to do to make this a reality in my life? And to be perfectly honest, I have not been doing so. There is work that I know will help me move further along my path in a place of trust and love but I had not allowed myself to go there. Perhaps because there were still lessons to be learned in this space in time. If that is the case, then NOW there is no reason for me to still be rambling around in THIS space......the space wherein I exist.

Is it time to leave the city or is it time for me to leave the old ways behind and move into a different way?

Questions to ponder and ones I am going to be comtemplating in the days ahead.

I do feel that something big has shifted. Stay tuned......

The end.......

I am slightly embarassed at how this blog of mine has evolved over the past year or so. Originally it was supposed to be where I posted lovely inspirational messages for others. I love to do that BUT unfortunately it has morphed into some sort of boo hoo and waaa thing where I am constantly lamenting the state of my love life. But I have to finish this so here goes.

Had a couple of conversations with him over the past couple of days and had decided to have him come over for a visit and see if we could work it out. But lucky for me I am being protected by spirit in the guise of his other woman. Just as I was getting into the bath last night the phone rang and it was her. She was devastated and for some odd reason she is turning to me. Go figure.

Anyway, supposedly he had been calling her repeatedly over the past few days pleading with her to take him back. She asked if I would like to hear some of these messages and I said...bring it on. I hung up the phone and as it kept ringing I just let it go to the answering machine since I figured it was her leaving copies of his messages. And some of them were but there were also a couple from him because he had decided to come over and "surprise" me. I called him back and told him to come in.

As I walked him into my home, I asked him if he minded if I checked my messages because, as I said, the phone kept ringing while I was in the bath. So there I sat listening to his other woman and she would go "O.K. here is message #one" and the again "O.K. here is message #two" and all the while he was sitting there across from me watching.

How come you are smiling? he asked. I said "Hey, does this sound familiar" as I related word for word the most recent message I was listening to. I could see him trying to figure out a way to make this about me but he was tongue tied.

So, you love her and want to be with her and you are going to move back to Edmonton. Well go right ahead I said. And then he said "Do you have any idea how much she is worth?"

HUH................that poor woman.

Well then, I guess you had better get going then. I stood up and showed him to the door.

She called later and was so upset. At least I was only 6 months into it. She spent the last 6 years of her life loving this creep and also giving him lots of money. How do men like this happen?

I, of course, am trying to figure him out knowing that it is not about him. It is about me and how I manage to attract these sociopaths.

Some say it is because I have a big heart and a bigger light. I am a healer and want to help others. Perhaps it is now time for me to allow in someone who wants to help me.......or at least love me for me. I don't seem to be doing a very good job of it though. Sigh.

It has made me realize that I need to continue doing my own work and that being said, I am now going to start hosting weekly meditation circles in my place again and THAT is a good start.

Heading out to an employment counsellor today to get set up for a course for people re-entering the work force. Something positive there and I know that I am moving forward.

Life sure has it shares of ups and downs. I just think it would be nice to be moving slowing forward with a minimum of jigs and jags for once. I think it would be a good thing if I could settle into a more relaxed state and stop looking for that juice that gets me in trouble every time.

Blessings to one and all.

still reeling.........

What can I say? There is a part of me that wants to listen to him and try to get past what just went down but I feel dirty. And, of course, I am beating myself up for even bringing him into my life in the first place.

The law of attraction says that we get what we put out. So what am I putting out that keeps bringing in men who are cheaters and untrustworthy? Really? Does anyone have any insight to this one?

I am a bright vibrant woman who is healthy, happy and full of fun. I love with all my heart and yet it seems that I attract people who are users. Is there some errant gene that is out of whack or something? It's funny but people always tell me how beautiful I am, how young I look, how sexy I am..............but what about what is within me.

I give and give and give to others and perhaps that is one of the problems. I am so used to giving that I forget to notice that I may not be receiving anywhere near what I am sending out, leaving me vulnerable to these love predators. That is something to think about I guess.

What is it about me that brings these men into my life? Is it that somewhere deep down I really don't want a loving, caring, respectful relationship? Do I really believe that this crap that I keep attracting is the right fit for me? It is a scary thought.

I do know that when I decided to break free of that last man I told myself that it would be a long time before I let in someone else. I wanted to be sure that the next relationship would be the ONE. Boy did I mess that one up. Am I so weak that I will let these men come in and use me and think that I am being loved?

Sigh, all these thoughts rushing around in my head. Not feeling very well this morning.

revelations coming fast and furious

WOW...........I now have my keys back from him. As I was talking with a girlfriend of mine she asked me if I wanted to try to patch things up with him. And I said yes. I am very forgiving and thought that perhaps it was just him being weak with the old girlfriend. She said well then I have to tell you something.

Supposedly last week one day when I was in a low mood and had told him that I wasn't feeling much like company, he had gone to her work place and said he wanted to talk with her. She said about what thinking that perhaps he wanted to do something special for me. You see she is a VERY good friend of mine and has met him on numerous occasions. It got busy at work so he said he would call her later. And then he called her from my home and asked her out for coffee as he said he thought she was sexy.

I'm not even shaking anymore because what else can I find out. How much worse can it possibly get unless I find out that he has some terrible catchable disease.........ouch that would pretty WORSE eh..........So it is off to the doctor for me this coming week to get tested for everything under the sun.

I think it is about time for me to back off from the man situation and just focus on work. Feels safer this way.

I am not crying which is very strange for me. I guess I really did protect my heart this time. So much for being intuitive but then again, I knew from the start that I shouldn't go out with him. Learn a lesson from me folks. Trust your instincts. They are always right.

Blessings

News flash

WOW what a difference a few hours makes. If you have been following on my erratic blog, you might have read a post from yesterday morning talking about how this new man of mine (6 whole months ....... woo hoo) is finally starting to win me over and how he could actually really be the one.



BANG..................WHOOSH>>>>>



The phone rang early in the afternoon and some woman from another city proceeds to tell me that she has been his girlfriend for the past SIX YEARS............ W H A T ???????????



Can you say deflate THAT balloon............



I had a very brief conversation with him where he was getting angry at ME for even engaging HER in conversation. Hello? I told him to get over here and we would have a conversation face to face. Should be interesting..............



Now as to the WHY of why I did engage. She started to ask me questions about specific dates over the past few months that perfectly corresponded with his absences from town. AND turns out that she was even in town last weekend.....ahem........VALENTINE'S DAY and I did not see him until Sunday night without any valentines day greeting card or anything.



He is very good with answers and reasons for this or that and since I happen to be an extremely forgiving person........or perhaps it is just that I try not to expect anything of others, I just let it all slide. I am wondering about my mental state as I write this.



What woman wouldn't be really pissed if, not only did her guy NOT see her on Valentine's Day but, when he did see her the next day, he doesn't even bring her a card or a rose? Would not most guys have thought to get a card or remembered to pick up a rose the next day as he was going over to her house?

I am simply too accomodating when it comes to men. It is now early Sunday morning and I have not slept much at all. Between HER phone calls and his ranting I am rather beat up. Again I have to ask myself, how on earth did I manifest this one.

Sure wish I could cry but I think that I have kept a HUGE part of my heart isolated during this whole relationship as there was always something that I just couldn't put my finger on. He has all these answers for things but usually it involves yelling at me for listening to her. I mean really.........how could I not?

I have issues with trust so I can even chuckle here as I realize I brought in a VERY untrustworthy man. Sigh.

Think I'll go to the gym and sweat...

Sunshine, eagles and settling in

It's another beautiful day out there. I can feel spring coming on and the excitement within me is palpable. There is just something about seeing the sun out there and then feeling it on my skin. I love the warmth.

My guy and I went out yesterday afternoon to another part of the lower mainland and spent the day wandering along a couple of different boardwalks on the ocean. We are so very blessed to be living here. There are numerous different locales offering yet another unique perspective on living by the water. AND we saw an amazing eagle that flew so low over a number of us that we could have jumped up and touched him . He then proceeded to sit atop a tree allowing everyone to get a picture of this amazing aspect of Spirit. Jimmy had never seen an eagle up so close before so he was clicking away with his own sense of amazement. And that was at the first beach.

We then drove a short distance away to another even more beautiful place down the road. We got out of the car and voila!!! Not just ONE eagle but SEVEN floating around in lazy circles just above us again. I figured it was some sort of magical sign for myself and my guy. He doesn't quite get this aspect of me but is starting to "feel" on a much higher plane. Wandered along another sunny walkway and then heading off in another direction for yet another seaside spot to hunt out a spot he had been to years ago that boasted the best fish and chips in the "ahem" ... in the world.......grin. But you know what? It was amazing. The largest piece of fish I have ever eaten at one of these places and those great hand cut fries......major yummy.

I had one of the best days I have had in a long time. It is easy hanging out with this man and he certainly has fun with me too. I think we entertain one another and both of us truly want to be in a loving, caring, yummy relationship. Hey, ya never know.............perhaps he is IT. I have been wanting someone to share me with and he has stood before me baring his Soul....offering himself to me. I feel safe, cared for and loved.......respected to and sometimes even feel like he looks at me with a sense of awe..........not just AWE, isn't she cute but with a sense of AWE..........like how did I manage to find HER........feels good.

What this day holds in store, I have not a clue but I know that with the sun shining, it will be perfect exactly as it unfolds.

Today is a special day.......

Today is a special day. It’s not any particular holiday or anything like that but it is special simply because I have decided it shall be.

I have just come out of a couple of intense months and had a mini meltdown the past few days. I sit here smiling though because it seems that I have to have some sort of crisis for me to actually be able to sit and write. It is the coming out the other side THIS time however WITHOUT much writing throughout it all that makes this day special.

The need for a lifestyle change is so strong that I can not ignore it anymore. That was what the meltdown was all about anyway, now that I think about it. I know that my life is entering a completely new phase (I just turned 57 and the reality of how close argh…old age is….. has walloped me), one that includes me getting out in the real world with everyone else and making some kind of a living doing……..SOME thing.

The past few weeks I have been looking at the job opportunities that are always out there in cyberspace. If it feels like a possibility, then I simply fire off a cover letter with my resume and let it go. And today I saw a position out in the real world that I could see me doing and doing it well. PLUS it is the same kind of thing that I did way back when prior to embarking on my journey these past 20 years. Anyway, regardless of whether or not I get it, it was the excitement that the possibility generated.

I want to be out there doing something. I realize that I have not exactly been sitting on my butt doing nothing for 20 years. I have done tons of workshops, classes, weekly meditation circles, special events, private parties and many many private readings and healings……..TONS OF THINGS. Unfortunately, for me, I have a hard time promoting me and my spiritual gifts, not to mention I give so many sessions away or charge a ridiculously low amount……sigh. Anyway, time to get serious and knowing that I will never be one to charge exorbitant rates for my work, I have decided to get a 3d job but one that resonates with all of me. This feeling of excitement about the prospect is what is getting my attention.

You see, I have always thought that I didn’t want to work……as in a 9-5 job. But now here I sit, realizing that if I had not been so pigheaded I would be retired right now with a great pension, doing what I love to do and not even caring if I got paid for it. Oh well, shoulda woulda coulda..

And that thought was one of the many that were rushing around in my head the past few months causing me such angst. I am in the midst of writing a poem called “Actively Seeking” about moving forward with love and joy in my step instead of being fearful of what lies ahead. For me it is all about taking charge of my life instead of waiting around for others to do it for me…..one of my life’s lessons.

And part of my lesson is also manifesting in the man who is in my life these days. He is of the old school and WANTS to be the GUY and take care of his WOMAN and the thought of me having to go out and work is making him feel bad. Sheesh………interesting state of affairs. Now I have someone who is professing to want to “look after me” and I am saying

"Hey back off. I can do it myself."

I am feeling so liberated. And I know that I am not ready to be co-habitating with this man. There are still things that I am not so sure about but I can still have fun with him doing what we do. But at the end of the day....or in the morning.......giggle.....he can always go to his house. It seems to be working for us right now so tonight I am going to tell him not to be thinking about it for now.

So that's it for today..........this special Tuesday...........

I hope that some of my special-ness washed over you today.

Blessings to you all.

checking in once more

So it has been an interesting start to 2009 and I see that I have not posted one item yet for the year. Been trying to get a handle on what is next in my life and once again, I tried to do the regular 3rd dimensional linear WORK thing. Of course, it is not materializing but the phone has started ringing again with clients so I am taking it that, once again, I am to simply focus on my work for Spirit and let that elusive TRUST thing take hold.

Going well with the man (coming up to 6 months) but as with most relationships, there are some issues that cause me a bit of concern. Not the least of which is the fact that he is wanting to start looking at places for us to co-habitate in. While we do spend a lot of time together, I am not ready to actually LIVE with him. Funny how we change our attitudes towards things like that as we age. At least, I have changed in that regard.

Thought that I wanted to be in a complete relationship with someone...........including living with that person but now that I have been on my own for so long, that old FEAR thing creeps in.

So here I am......issues with the financial end of things....issues with the relationship thing....trying to understand ME within it all. Haven't even been writing anything worthwhile these past few months. Seem to be caught up in a lot of angst about life in general. Usually that is a catalyst to get it down on paper but this time, I am just moving through my days and hoping for the best.....sigh.

Hope all is well with everyone else out there in cyberspace.

Blessings to you all.