The end.......

I am slightly embarassed at how this blog of mine has evolved over the past year or so. Originally it was supposed to be where I posted lovely inspirational messages for others. I love to do that BUT unfortunately it has morphed into some sort of boo hoo and waaa thing where I am constantly lamenting the state of my love life. But I have to finish this so here goes.

Had a couple of conversations with him over the past couple of days and had decided to have him come over for a visit and see if we could work it out. But lucky for me I am being protected by spirit in the guise of his other woman. Just as I was getting into the bath last night the phone rang and it was her. She was devastated and for some odd reason she is turning to me. Go figure.

Anyway, supposedly he had been calling her repeatedly over the past few days pleading with her to take him back. She asked if I would like to hear some of these messages and I said...bring it on. I hung up the phone and as it kept ringing I just let it go to the answering machine since I figured it was her leaving copies of his messages. And some of them were but there were also a couple from him because he had decided to come over and "surprise" me. I called him back and told him to come in.

As I walked him into my home, I asked him if he minded if I checked my messages because, as I said, the phone kept ringing while I was in the bath. So there I sat listening to his other woman and she would go "O.K. here is message #one" and the again "O.K. here is message #two" and all the while he was sitting there across from me watching.

How come you are smiling? he asked. I said "Hey, does this sound familiar" as I related word for word the most recent message I was listening to. I could see him trying to figure out a way to make this about me but he was tongue tied.

So, you love her and want to be with her and you are going to move back to Edmonton. Well go right ahead I said. And then he said "Do you have any idea how much she is worth?"

HUH................that poor woman.

Well then, I guess you had better get going then. I stood up and showed him to the door.

She called later and was so upset. At least I was only 6 months into it. She spent the last 6 years of her life loving this creep and also giving him lots of money. How do men like this happen?

I, of course, am trying to figure him out knowing that it is not about him. It is about me and how I manage to attract these sociopaths.

Some say it is because I have a big heart and a bigger light. I am a healer and want to help others. Perhaps it is now time for me to allow in someone who wants to help me.......or at least love me for me. I don't seem to be doing a very good job of it though. Sigh.

It has made me realize that I need to continue doing my own work and that being said, I am now going to start hosting weekly meditation circles in my place again and THAT is a good start.

Heading out to an employment counsellor today to get set up for a course for people re-entering the work force. Something positive there and I know that I am moving forward.

Life sure has it shares of ups and downs. I just think it would be nice to be moving slowing forward with a minimum of jigs and jags for once. I think it would be a good thing if I could settle into a more relaxed state and stop looking for that juice that gets me in trouble every time.

Blessings to one and all.

still reeling.........

What can I say? There is a part of me that wants to listen to him and try to get past what just went down but I feel dirty. And, of course, I am beating myself up for even bringing him into my life in the first place.

The law of attraction says that we get what we put out. So what am I putting out that keeps bringing in men who are cheaters and untrustworthy? Really? Does anyone have any insight to this one?

I am a bright vibrant woman who is healthy, happy and full of fun. I love with all my heart and yet it seems that I attract people who are users. Is there some errant gene that is out of whack or something? It's funny but people always tell me how beautiful I am, how young I look, how sexy I am..............but what about what is within me.

I give and give and give to others and perhaps that is one of the problems. I am so used to giving that I forget to notice that I may not be receiving anywhere near what I am sending out, leaving me vulnerable to these love predators. That is something to think about I guess.

What is it about me that brings these men into my life? Is it that somewhere deep down I really don't want a loving, caring, respectful relationship? Do I really believe that this crap that I keep attracting is the right fit for me? It is a scary thought.

I do know that when I decided to break free of that last man I told myself that it would be a long time before I let in someone else. I wanted to be sure that the next relationship would be the ONE. Boy did I mess that one up. Am I so weak that I will let these men come in and use me and think that I am being loved?

Sigh, all these thoughts rushing around in my head. Not feeling very well this morning.

revelations coming fast and furious

WOW...........I now have my keys back from him. As I was talking with a girlfriend of mine she asked me if I wanted to try to patch things up with him. And I said yes. I am very forgiving and thought that perhaps it was just him being weak with the old girlfriend. She said well then I have to tell you something.

Supposedly last week one day when I was in a low mood and had told him that I wasn't feeling much like company, he had gone to her work place and said he wanted to talk with her. She said about what thinking that perhaps he wanted to do something special for me. You see she is a VERY good friend of mine and has met him on numerous occasions. It got busy at work so he said he would call her later. And then he called her from my home and asked her out for coffee as he said he thought she was sexy.

I'm not even shaking anymore because what else can I find out. How much worse can it possibly get unless I find out that he has some terrible catchable disease.........ouch that would pretty WORSE eh..........So it is off to the doctor for me this coming week to get tested for everything under the sun.

I think it is about time for me to back off from the man situation and just focus on work. Feels safer this way.

I am not crying which is very strange for me. I guess I really did protect my heart this time. So much for being intuitive but then again, I knew from the start that I shouldn't go out with him. Learn a lesson from me folks. Trust your instincts. They are always right.

Blessings

News flash

WOW what a difference a few hours makes. If you have been following on my erratic blog, you might have read a post from yesterday morning talking about how this new man of mine (6 whole months ....... woo hoo) is finally starting to win me over and how he could actually really be the one.



BANG..................WHOOSH>>>>>



The phone rang early in the afternoon and some woman from another city proceeds to tell me that she has been his girlfriend for the past SIX YEARS............ W H A T ???????????



Can you say deflate THAT balloon............



I had a very brief conversation with him where he was getting angry at ME for even engaging HER in conversation. Hello? I told him to get over here and we would have a conversation face to face. Should be interesting..............



Now as to the WHY of why I did engage. She started to ask me questions about specific dates over the past few months that perfectly corresponded with his absences from town. AND turns out that she was even in town last weekend.....ahem........VALENTINE'S DAY and I did not see him until Sunday night without any valentines day greeting card or anything.



He is very good with answers and reasons for this or that and since I happen to be an extremely forgiving person........or perhaps it is just that I try not to expect anything of others, I just let it all slide. I am wondering about my mental state as I write this.



What woman wouldn't be really pissed if, not only did her guy NOT see her on Valentine's Day but, when he did see her the next day, he doesn't even bring her a card or a rose? Would not most guys have thought to get a card or remembered to pick up a rose the next day as he was going over to her house?

I am simply too accomodating when it comes to men. It is now early Sunday morning and I have not slept much at all. Between HER phone calls and his ranting I am rather beat up. Again I have to ask myself, how on earth did I manifest this one.

Sure wish I could cry but I think that I have kept a HUGE part of my heart isolated during this whole relationship as there was always something that I just couldn't put my finger on. He has all these answers for things but usually it involves yelling at me for listening to her. I mean really.........how could I not?

I have issues with trust so I can even chuckle here as I realize I brought in a VERY untrustworthy man. Sigh.

Think I'll go to the gym and sweat...

Sunshine, eagles and settling in

It's another beautiful day out there. I can feel spring coming on and the excitement within me is palpable. There is just something about seeing the sun out there and then feeling it on my skin. I love the warmth.

My guy and I went out yesterday afternoon to another part of the lower mainland and spent the day wandering along a couple of different boardwalks on the ocean. We are so very blessed to be living here. There are numerous different locales offering yet another unique perspective on living by the water. AND we saw an amazing eagle that flew so low over a number of us that we could have jumped up and touched him . He then proceeded to sit atop a tree allowing everyone to get a picture of this amazing aspect of Spirit. Jimmy had never seen an eagle up so close before so he was clicking away with his own sense of amazement. And that was at the first beach.

We then drove a short distance away to another even more beautiful place down the road. We got out of the car and voila!!! Not just ONE eagle but SEVEN floating around in lazy circles just above us again. I figured it was some sort of magical sign for myself and my guy. He doesn't quite get this aspect of me but is starting to "feel" on a much higher plane. Wandered along another sunny walkway and then heading off in another direction for yet another seaside spot to hunt out a spot he had been to years ago that boasted the best fish and chips in the "ahem" ... in the world.......grin. But you know what? It was amazing. The largest piece of fish I have ever eaten at one of these places and those great hand cut fries......major yummy.

I had one of the best days I have had in a long time. It is easy hanging out with this man and he certainly has fun with me too. I think we entertain one another and both of us truly want to be in a loving, caring, yummy relationship. Hey, ya never know.............perhaps he is IT. I have been wanting someone to share me with and he has stood before me baring his Soul....offering himself to me. I feel safe, cared for and loved.......respected to and sometimes even feel like he looks at me with a sense of awe..........not just AWE, isn't she cute but with a sense of AWE..........like how did I manage to find HER........feels good.

What this day holds in store, I have not a clue but I know that with the sun shining, it will be perfect exactly as it unfolds.

Today is a special day.......

Today is a special day. It’s not any particular holiday or anything like that but it is special simply because I have decided it shall be.

I have just come out of a couple of intense months and had a mini meltdown the past few days. I sit here smiling though because it seems that I have to have some sort of crisis for me to actually be able to sit and write. It is the coming out the other side THIS time however WITHOUT much writing throughout it all that makes this day special.

The need for a lifestyle change is so strong that I can not ignore it anymore. That was what the meltdown was all about anyway, now that I think about it. I know that my life is entering a completely new phase (I just turned 57 and the reality of how close argh…old age is….. has walloped me), one that includes me getting out in the real world with everyone else and making some kind of a living doing……..SOME thing.

The past few weeks I have been looking at the job opportunities that are always out there in cyberspace. If it feels like a possibility, then I simply fire off a cover letter with my resume and let it go. And today I saw a position out in the real world that I could see me doing and doing it well. PLUS it is the same kind of thing that I did way back when prior to embarking on my journey these past 20 years. Anyway, regardless of whether or not I get it, it was the excitement that the possibility generated.

I want to be out there doing something. I realize that I have not exactly been sitting on my butt doing nothing for 20 years. I have done tons of workshops, classes, weekly meditation circles, special events, private parties and many many private readings and healings……..TONS OF THINGS. Unfortunately, for me, I have a hard time promoting me and my spiritual gifts, not to mention I give so many sessions away or charge a ridiculously low amount……sigh. Anyway, time to get serious and knowing that I will never be one to charge exorbitant rates for my work, I have decided to get a 3d job but one that resonates with all of me. This feeling of excitement about the prospect is what is getting my attention.

You see, I have always thought that I didn’t want to work……as in a 9-5 job. But now here I sit, realizing that if I had not been so pigheaded I would be retired right now with a great pension, doing what I love to do and not even caring if I got paid for it. Oh well, shoulda woulda coulda..

And that thought was one of the many that were rushing around in my head the past few months causing me such angst. I am in the midst of writing a poem called “Actively Seeking” about moving forward with love and joy in my step instead of being fearful of what lies ahead. For me it is all about taking charge of my life instead of waiting around for others to do it for me…..one of my life’s lessons.

And part of my lesson is also manifesting in the man who is in my life these days. He is of the old school and WANTS to be the GUY and take care of his WOMAN and the thought of me having to go out and work is making him feel bad. Sheesh………interesting state of affairs. Now I have someone who is professing to want to “look after me” and I am saying

"Hey back off. I can do it myself."

I am feeling so liberated. And I know that I am not ready to be co-habitating with this man. There are still things that I am not so sure about but I can still have fun with him doing what we do. But at the end of the day....or in the morning.......giggle.....he can always go to his house. It seems to be working for us right now so tonight I am going to tell him not to be thinking about it for now.

So that's it for today..........this special Tuesday...........

I hope that some of my special-ness washed over you today.

Blessings to you all.

checking in once more

So it has been an interesting start to 2009 and I see that I have not posted one item yet for the year. Been trying to get a handle on what is next in my life and once again, I tried to do the regular 3rd dimensional linear WORK thing. Of course, it is not materializing but the phone has started ringing again with clients so I am taking it that, once again, I am to simply focus on my work for Spirit and let that elusive TRUST thing take hold.

Going well with the man (coming up to 6 months) but as with most relationships, there are some issues that cause me a bit of concern. Not the least of which is the fact that he is wanting to start looking at places for us to co-habitate in. While we do spend a lot of time together, I am not ready to actually LIVE with him. Funny how we change our attitudes towards things like that as we age. At least, I have changed in that regard.

Thought that I wanted to be in a complete relationship with someone...........including living with that person but now that I have been on my own for so long, that old FEAR thing creeps in.

So here I am......issues with the financial end of things....issues with the relationship thing....trying to understand ME within it all. Haven't even been writing anything worthwhile these past few months. Seem to be caught up in a lot of angst about life in general. Usually that is a catalyst to get it down on paper but this time, I am just moving through my days and hoping for the best.....sigh.

Hope all is well with everyone else out there in cyberspace.

Blessings to you all.