Today turned out to be a beautiful Spring like day after the wind died down or perhaps the wind is what made it the day that it was. So fresh out there and that is exactly what I needed.
Got rather emotional during one of the exercises in the course today. Found myself crying and not being able to stop. The tears just started to come and I even had to leave the room for a while and hide out in a cubicle in the washroom
The main problem was, or at least I think it was, that I am feeling those pangs of lonliness again. And it is not lonliness for a partner but the lonliness for family and friends and a support network that I truly feel that I can share and be myself with.........even when I am having a bad day.
Seems that I have a hard time sharing myself with many people and one of my main "sharing partners" is moving out of the downtown core and I know that I will miss her smiling face as I just know that when people leave this part of town, it is harder and harder to come down this way. Another friend is also considering moving and since I only have a couple of people that I do share myself with, this will leave me relatively alone.....all the time. But for today, I was grieving the loss of my son's companionship.
We used to spend a lot of time together, sometimes sharing meals 3 times a week. I miss that a LOT. I realize thast it is unreasonable to expect us to share that much time together but since he returned to Vancouver a couple of years ago, and moved in with his girlfriend I can count on one hand the times we have spent together sharing and laughing. She has a problem with him spending much time with me and of course since he loves her, he is not wanting to rock the boat. But I am feeling very left out of his life and that hurts a lot. He is getting married in the Fall and I so want to know what is happening with him and how he is really doing. I miss our sharings and to that end I did leave him a message today and asked him to call me.
And he did..........which is great. We are now going to have brunch on Saturday and hopefully we can come up with an arrangement that doesn't rock the boat with the fiance and allows me to see him on a more regular basis. I am going to suggest one night or afternoon a month to share a meal and gab. Is that too much to ask for? I don't really. How is it with other woman and their grown sons? I don't know but I do know that for me, I need more time with my kids that I have been getting.
My daughter and I are on a more even keel though and I thank the Gods for that.
Anyway, off to make dinner and prepare for a meditation circle.
Blessings to you all.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday thoughts
Feeling a little lonely today even though I have spoken to a few people and gone for a walk with another. Sure wish I could just accept the fact that I am not in a relationship. I have been trying to manifest one for the past 5 years and haven't been doing such a good job of it. Yeah, yeah I know. If we try too hard for something we simply succeed in pushing it further away. It's all about balance. Putting it out there and then letting it have free reign while I proceed in living my life exactly as it is. And to be honest, it is not that bad.
I'm feeling very good about my future job prospects now at least. Was getting a tad anxious now that I admit it to myself. All those old beliefs about age and the like. Getting old on one level is just a state of mind but at the end of the day, I am very aware of my earth years. Something occurred last night that got my attention.
Went African dancing which I love but it was different this time or perhaps my expectations around it all have shifted. I noticed that when I was dancing last night, I was not as aware of others dancing around. Just got into my own groove and found a spot and moved to the music. There was this woman there who is well known around town as an African dance instructor. She usually attends these particular dance events and always is surrounded by various people who have been in her classes and/or perform with her at performances. I took a class with her a couple of years ago so have the rythym necessary to do most of the traditional moves. Found that I spotted her and immediately started to do the dance that she was doing with her group. It took me into a different place within me within the dance and it felt great. I also realized that I will not be finding me someone to dance at these events as most of the men of my age group are there with partners and wives and the rest of the men are simply too young for me. But, instead of becoming despondent about it all, I just realized that it is all about the dance and my own self expression. Danced until I could no longer do so and then simply came home. Felt good.
There is still this slight sense of loss or perhaps a feeling of openness that is ready to be filled. Sigh. I do know however that it is not a time for me to be seeking out a relationship as I have work to do on my self. A few months ago I found a quote on line and I think I even shared it with you all when I originally found it. It goes something like this...
I want a genuine, conscious loving relationship and I am willing to do whatever work I need to do on myself to make this desire come true.
And I do want that and I AM prepared to spend time on myself to make me attractive to the energy that is already coming my way. Patience needs to become my word. Understanding needs to be brought to the surface of my consciousness so that I am clear as to what it is that I truly DO desire in a relationship. I thought I knew what that was. Now, however, those desires, or should I say NEEDS, have shifted.
Looking forward to a relationship wherein I am in charge of me and he is in charge of him. A sense of respect and allowing is imperative. Allowing me to be me and allowing me to flail around if that is what I need to do at any given moment. A sense that all is in complete and divine order is what I am opening up to. For to try to fight it would be futile.
A couple of lines from a poem come to me.
No need to push, no need to pull
Just let it come to you.
Waiting for whatever is meant to come to me to just do that.....come to me that is.
In the meantime, I think I'll go and clean off my balcony in preparation for all those beautiful spring flowers that I am getting later this week to plant. Bringing a sense of beauty and joy into my world again. It's time...
Blessings on this beautiful Sunday.
Namaste
I'm feeling very good about my future job prospects now at least. Was getting a tad anxious now that I admit it to myself. All those old beliefs about age and the like. Getting old on one level is just a state of mind but at the end of the day, I am very aware of my earth years. Something occurred last night that got my attention.
Went African dancing which I love but it was different this time or perhaps my expectations around it all have shifted. I noticed that when I was dancing last night, I was not as aware of others dancing around. Just got into my own groove and found a spot and moved to the music. There was this woman there who is well known around town as an African dance instructor. She usually attends these particular dance events and always is surrounded by various people who have been in her classes and/or perform with her at performances. I took a class with her a couple of years ago so have the rythym necessary to do most of the traditional moves. Found that I spotted her and immediately started to do the dance that she was doing with her group. It took me into a different place within me within the dance and it felt great. I also realized that I will not be finding me someone to dance at these events as most of the men of my age group are there with partners and wives and the rest of the men are simply too young for me. But, instead of becoming despondent about it all, I just realized that it is all about the dance and my own self expression. Danced until I could no longer do so and then simply came home. Felt good.
There is still this slight sense of loss or perhaps a feeling of openness that is ready to be filled. Sigh. I do know however that it is not a time for me to be seeking out a relationship as I have work to do on my self. A few months ago I found a quote on line and I think I even shared it with you all when I originally found it. It goes something like this...
I want a genuine, conscious loving relationship and I am willing to do whatever work I need to do on myself to make this desire come true.
And I do want that and I AM prepared to spend time on myself to make me attractive to the energy that is already coming my way. Patience needs to become my word. Understanding needs to be brought to the surface of my consciousness so that I am clear as to what it is that I truly DO desire in a relationship. I thought I knew what that was. Now, however, those desires, or should I say NEEDS, have shifted.
Looking forward to a relationship wherein I am in charge of me and he is in charge of him. A sense of respect and allowing is imperative. Allowing me to be me and allowing me to flail around if that is what I need to do at any given moment. A sense that all is in complete and divine order is what I am opening up to. For to try to fight it would be futile.
A couple of lines from a poem come to me.
No need to push, no need to pull
Just let it come to you.
Waiting for whatever is meant to come to me to just do that.....come to me that is.
In the meantime, I think I'll go and clean off my balcony in preparation for all those beautiful spring flowers that I am getting later this week to plant. Bringing a sense of beauty and joy into my world again. It's time...
Blessings on this beautiful Sunday.
Namaste
Saturday, March 28, 2009
still slightly overwhelmed
The amount of paper that is generated within this course that I am taking is extreme. Add that to the fact that I have a "thing" about paper and you can see how it can be exhausting. On the other hand however, it is making me much more in alignment with me and the skills that I do have to offer out there in the land of the real world. Lots of possibilities showing themselves so now it is simply up to me to get out there and market me......
One of the exercises was one where we write up a 2 or 3 minute blurb in response to the comment.....So tell me a little bit about yourself. We had to talk about our work, what our skills are and our interests and passions. When I stood up and shared ME with everyone, I got a resounding WOW. And to make it even better, I too went WOW as I realized that I have a lot of skills to bring to the table and don't feel so weird talking about the work that I do. It is all about the presentation and sharing my own belief in myself. So that is huge.
Am now leaning towards work in the field of Elder Care and recreational activities for this segment of the population. Has a lot to do with the fact that my own father is in a Care facility. I know that I get a huge boost when I see the faces of these old folks light up in my presence so hoping that I can find something in that field. It would also be fun to work in entertainment but I am trying to be realistic and while I like the fast paced action life out there in the world, I know that I only have so much energy and would rather make a difference in the world in a more heartfelt way.
One of the other areas that has shown up is working in the field of voice over work, particularly cartoon voice overs or commercial work. I have a good speaking voice so have contacted a woman I know who runs classes in voice over work. That would be a good way to make some money too, especially in Hollywood North so we'll see what happens there.
I couldn't sleep much last night. Woke up at 4 a.m. and just tossed and turned until 6 a.m. so am now waiting for the gym to open to go and sweat out whatever it is that is making me anxious today.
Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.
One of the exercises was one where we write up a 2 or 3 minute blurb in response to the comment.....So tell me a little bit about yourself. We had to talk about our work, what our skills are and our interests and passions. When I stood up and shared ME with everyone, I got a resounding WOW. And to make it even better, I too went WOW as I realized that I have a lot of skills to bring to the table and don't feel so weird talking about the work that I do. It is all about the presentation and sharing my own belief in myself. So that is huge.
Am now leaning towards work in the field of Elder Care and recreational activities for this segment of the population. Has a lot to do with the fact that my own father is in a Care facility. I know that I get a huge boost when I see the faces of these old folks light up in my presence so hoping that I can find something in that field. It would also be fun to work in entertainment but I am trying to be realistic and while I like the fast paced action life out there in the world, I know that I only have so much energy and would rather make a difference in the world in a more heartfelt way.
One of the other areas that has shown up is working in the field of voice over work, particularly cartoon voice overs or commercial work. I have a good speaking voice so have contacted a woman I know who runs classes in voice over work. That would be a good way to make some money too, especially in Hollywood North so we'll see what happens there.
I couldn't sleep much last night. Woke up at 4 a.m. and just tossed and turned until 6 a.m. so am now waiting for the gym to open to go and sweat out whatever it is that is making me anxious today.
Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
overload and a tad overwhelmed
Feeling very tired today. Brain was somewhat in overload after getting even more paper to work with. I have a thing with paper anyway, so this does not surprise me.
Have any of you tried doing the Myers Briggs profile work? Very interesting what comes up through that particular exploration. Discovered a few new things about me that at first I didn't agree with but, with a little digging, it started to make sense. So even more things to throw into the pot that is now swirling around in my head. Sheesh...there is so much information to go through and we are only at the mid way point of the course. I am assured that it will all come together in some sort of cohesiveness and for that I am grateful.
Need to take a wee nap now but will be sure to share much more later, or tomorrow.
Blessings to you all
Have any of you tried doing the Myers Briggs profile work? Very interesting what comes up through that particular exploration. Discovered a few new things about me that at first I didn't agree with but, with a little digging, it started to make sense. So even more things to throw into the pot that is now swirling around in my head. Sheesh...there is so much information to go through and we are only at the mid way point of the course. I am assured that it will all come together in some sort of cohesiveness and for that I am grateful.
Need to take a wee nap now but will be sure to share much more later, or tomorrow.
Blessings to you all
Monday, March 23, 2009
Discovering me.....Week Two
Ah yes, opening and expanding. Today we did an exercise to start to look at potential work opportunities down the road. A whole bunch of them point to having to have had a university education and .... alas, that is not moi. Lots of life experience and of course being a Divine Being to boot but it doesn't exactly translate into regular work experiences in THIS world or, so I had thought. But then a second thought came into my head and it went something like this..ahem...
Why shouldn't I be doing the work that calls to me utilizing the gifts and talents I bring to the table even without a university degree? I truly believe the perfect "job" will appear just as soon as I can firmly hone in on what this will look like - the perfect JOB that is.
I have narrowed it down somewhat though. I must be working with people in some sort of capacity, in the area of counselling of some sort or facilitating something or something working with flowers or interior decorating. There is also another thing that I personally had never thought about and I know I would be good at that.
O.K. Here goes.........A Cartoon Voice-over artist...different eh??
For those of you who know me, you guys know that I have a number of different voices already so why not have fun and make some money at the same time? Anyway, its a thought...
So did a bit of checking around but my brain can only handle so much "learning or studying" a day. I'm going to take it easy this evening.
After all, its a school night...............smile
Why shouldn't I be doing the work that calls to me utilizing the gifts and talents I bring to the table even without a university degree? I truly believe the perfect "job" will appear just as soon as I can firmly hone in on what this will look like - the perfect JOB that is.
I have narrowed it down somewhat though. I must be working with people in some sort of capacity, in the area of counselling of some sort or facilitating something or something working with flowers or interior decorating. There is also another thing that I personally had never thought about and I know I would be good at that.
O.K. Here goes.........A Cartoon Voice-over artist...different eh??
For those of you who know me, you guys know that I have a number of different voices already so why not have fun and make some money at the same time? Anyway, its a thought...
So did a bit of checking around but my brain can only handle so much "learning or studying" a day. I'm going to take it easy this evening.
After all, its a school night...............smile
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Opening and expanding
Was quite surprised to wake up to a relatively sunny morning. Had been expecting lots of rain this weekend but so far so good. Getting ready to go for a walk with that gentleman that I met while walking home on Friday. What the heck? You can't ever have too many people to be walking buddies. He seems nice but there is something very childlike about him which doesn't seem to resonate with a man in his 50's. But what do I know. It just might be that he is not jaded and truly enjoys life like a child. We'll see.
Went to meet a woman who runs a little kiosk in a beautiful shopping centre on the North Shore. She told me that she has enough staff now but is restructuring and wanted to meet me to see exactly who I am. I am noticing that while I might not have gotten any JOB yet, the people who are calling to "meet" me are very intrigued by my resume. This woman just had to meet me and now wants me to meet the regional director of the company in a couple of weeks. The kiosk is a short term thing as they are looking at moving into the MAIN and TOTALLY COOL part of the complex with is called The Village. Now that would interest me but again, we'll see.
We'll see seems to be the theme here. A sense of openness and no expectation is what my life seems to be resonating with today. Feels good.
Openness..................expansive
No Expectations......again expansive
I think I like this theme. The idea of opening to possibilities with no expectations leaves the door wide open for anything to appear. Seems like a good way to operate through this time of transition.
Have a wonderful Sunday
Went to meet a woman who runs a little kiosk in a beautiful shopping centre on the North Shore. She told me that she has enough staff now but is restructuring and wanted to meet me to see exactly who I am. I am noticing that while I might not have gotten any JOB yet, the people who are calling to "meet" me are very intrigued by my resume. This woman just had to meet me and now wants me to meet the regional director of the company in a couple of weeks. The kiosk is a short term thing as they are looking at moving into the MAIN and TOTALLY COOL part of the complex with is called The Village. Now that would interest me but again, we'll see.
We'll see seems to be the theme here. A sense of openness and no expectation is what my life seems to be resonating with today. Feels good.
Openness..................expansive
No Expectations......again expansive
I think I like this theme. The idea of opening to possibilities with no expectations leaves the door wide open for anything to appear. Seems like a good way to operate through this time of transition.
Have a wonderful Sunday
Friday, March 20, 2009
Happy Solstice.......
So today was a tad emotional for me and for a couple of other people too. Had to do a couple of projects that for some odd reason got to me. One of them, while at first might sound morbid, was to write our own obituary. In actuality, it was to see how it was we wanted to be remembered........what is it about our lives that we are proud of and wish to commemorate. Found that I was pretty emotional when reading it over and realized some more things about me that I had hints about but here it got quite in depth so, while being emotional, it was still a very good exercise for me.
The weather looked like it would be beautiful so I started to walk home. Managed to get home before the rains started but am a tad disappointed because I had intended to go for another walk around the lagoon once I got home and changed shoes and stuff. Did meet a nice man while walking home though and had a lovely conversation while wandering up the street. Should be interesting to see if I run into him again. He is a photographer and film maker who is doing something for the 2010 Olympics. He did manage to let me know that he is single and over 50 but in good shape which is nice........checked me out and took a look at my hand and said "So are you married?" I said no and he said I would be sure to see him around the neighbourhood and then he took my hand and kissed it. Quite romantic actually......grin Can't really remember ever having some man kiss my hand.
Anyway, it is now the weekend so looking forward to finishing up the exercises that we have for "home" work or, as the facilitators call it, LIFE work.
Blessings
The weather looked like it would be beautiful so I started to walk home. Managed to get home before the rains started but am a tad disappointed because I had intended to go for another walk around the lagoon once I got home and changed shoes and stuff. Did meet a nice man while walking home though and had a lovely conversation while wandering up the street. Should be interesting to see if I run into him again. He is a photographer and film maker who is doing something for the 2010 Olympics. He did manage to let me know that he is single and over 50 but in good shape which is nice........checked me out and took a look at my hand and said "So are you married?" I said no and he said I would be sure to see him around the neighbourhood and then he took my hand and kissed it. Quite romantic actually......grin Can't really remember ever having some man kiss my hand.
Anyway, it is now the weekend so looking forward to finishing up the exercises that we have for "home" work or, as the facilitators call it, LIFE work.
Blessings
Warrior Sage and Transitions......hmmmm
Another amazing day. Was mentioning to them all how amazed I have been at the energy that I have experienced this whole week. Getting up at around 6:00 a.m. every day without the need for an alarm and then being able to move through my day AND having evening events every day too. What a week but now I am slightly tired.
Went to a talk last night through a group known as Warrior Sage and THAT was something else. Funny, enlightening, sometimes uncomfortable. Sure didn't want him to bring me up on stage but it seems that his "followers" are in LOVE with all that he is. Felt kind of culty but all the 250 people who showed up after the facilitator just Tuesday decided to host this event. He definitely has something and to be able to check it all out for free in the midst of my Transitions course seemed somewhat apropo. AND to top it off my facilitator for the Thursday and Friday portions of my course sat right in front of me. Should be a different day at class methinks. Interesting...
So off to get ready for today. Hope yours flows smoothly.
Went to a talk last night through a group known as Warrior Sage and THAT was something else. Funny, enlightening, sometimes uncomfortable. Sure didn't want him to bring me up on stage but it seems that his "followers" are in LOVE with all that he is. Felt kind of culty but all the 250 people who showed up after the facilitator just Tuesday decided to host this event. He definitely has something and to be able to check it all out for free in the midst of my Transitions course seemed somewhat apropo. AND to top it off my facilitator for the Thursday and Friday portions of my course sat right in front of me. Should be a different day at class methinks. Interesting...
So off to get ready for today. Hope yours flows smoothly.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Happy St. Patrick's Day
It has been a very long day. Got up around 5:30 a.m. (YIKES!!!) and have been going ever since.
Had another great day at the course but can feel some emotions coming up around the whole exercise. It's all good though.
Went over to my father's Care Centre to celebrate St. Patrick's Day AND his 89th birthday. He got to drink perhaps a tad too much green beer but was certainly a happy camper when we all left. Both my son and my daughter were in attendance so it was a lovely even for him....and me now that I think about it. Felt great to be with family and having everyone happy and smiling. Go Irish...........
Going to head to bed new and get all rested up for Day 3.
Had another great day at the course but can feel some emotions coming up around the whole exercise. It's all good though.
Went over to my father's Care Centre to celebrate St. Patrick's Day AND his 89th birthday. He got to drink perhaps a tad too much green beer but was certainly a happy camper when we all left. Both my son and my daughter were in attendance so it was a lovely even for him....and me now that I think about it. Felt great to be with family and having everyone happy and smiling. Go Irish...........
Going to head to bed new and get all rested up for Day 3.
Monday, March 16, 2009
40 years vs first day...........what???
Today I got a message via facebook regarding my ARGH!!!!!!! 40th high school reunion. How did that happen. I find it rather interesting that this surfaced today because today was the first day of "school" for me, so to speak. Started that course called "Transitions" and it felt great to be there.
The energy of the instructor was "perfect" for me. She might be a tad too much for a few people but generally she kept us upbeat and laughing, ready to get on with the work at hand. And what exactly is the work we will be doing???
We are going to be discovering who we really are and what it is that makes us tick. Those things that are unique to us and those gifts that we can share with others. And in my case, it is seeing how best to take ME out into the real world without losing my best parts. I'm excited.
At the end of the first day, I had a chance to sit with the instructor and get to know her, as she did me, by simply chatting. She started off by saying how "cool" I was. And I said, Hey, I want your job. She told me to hold on to that thought because she said I am perfect for HER job. So who knows. Anyway, we had a wonderful chat and I am chomping at the bit to get back there tomorrow.
And then the 40th High School reunion...........THAT should be something. I never stayed in contact with anyone from those days. Saw them all at my 15th reunion and that was interesting. But 40 years........my God. Funnily enough the woman who contact me via facebook asked if my name was "my old name" because, as she said, I look just like HER. So not bad eh?
She found me on facebook and knew it was me from my recent picture which calls me by the name I have been using for almost 20 years and not my given name. And we now know this picture is 40 years later BUT, she said I look just the same. And now that I think about it, I do feel pretty good about how I look on the outside. Now to get in alignment with and appreciate who I AM on the inside. I know that this course will be of great assistance to me and I feel more positive than I have in a long LONG time.
I hope to be checking in here with a daily update and hopefully, not only will I be able to document the process I am going through, BUT it will be 21 days. And 21 days is supposedly the number of days it takes to put something into practice.........like writing daily. Like I said, this is exciting.
So blessings to one and all and be good to yourself. You deserve it.
The energy of the instructor was "perfect" for me. She might be a tad too much for a few people but generally she kept us upbeat and laughing, ready to get on with the work at hand. And what exactly is the work we will be doing???
We are going to be discovering who we really are and what it is that makes us tick. Those things that are unique to us and those gifts that we can share with others. And in my case, it is seeing how best to take ME out into the real world without losing my best parts. I'm excited.
At the end of the first day, I had a chance to sit with the instructor and get to know her, as she did me, by simply chatting. She started off by saying how "cool" I was. And I said, Hey, I want your job. She told me to hold on to that thought because she said I am perfect for HER job. So who knows. Anyway, we had a wonderful chat and I am chomping at the bit to get back there tomorrow.
And then the 40th High School reunion...........THAT should be something. I never stayed in contact with anyone from those days. Saw them all at my 15th reunion and that was interesting. But 40 years........my God. Funnily enough the woman who contact me via facebook asked if my name was "my old name" because, as she said, I look just like HER. So not bad eh?
She found me on facebook and knew it was me from my recent picture which calls me by the name I have been using for almost 20 years and not my given name. And we now know this picture is 40 years later BUT, she said I look just the same. And now that I think about it, I do feel pretty good about how I look on the outside. Now to get in alignment with and appreciate who I AM on the inside. I know that this course will be of great assistance to me and I feel more positive than I have in a long LONG time.
I hope to be checking in here with a daily update and hopefully, not only will I be able to document the process I am going through, BUT it will be 21 days. And 21 days is supposedly the number of days it takes to put something into practice.........like writing daily. Like I said, this is exciting.
So blessings to one and all and be good to yourself. You deserve it.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Sunday morning blurb
Feeling a little bit more tired today. Woke up very early and then had a quick phone call from "him" (back in brackets so we all know of whom I am speaking). Had the strangest question for me but I think he just wanted to have a reason to call me. At least no yelling or trying to take me out of my centre. Certainly was no energy within me wanting to have him come to me. So done with that energy.
And then, my wonderful friend from Barbados connected through Skype. Talked with him for over an hour. This is a man I met on line around 2 years ago and he has been there for me throughout all of this bulls**t with those other men. Hey, ya never know. Feels safer knowing that he is all the way over there and I am here but he has suggested we meet in the real world soon. And I do know that I need to meet him finally. I am amazed that he has never disappeared from my little world EVER since we first spoke. a nice man and that is perhaps what is getting to me. Am I ready for a genuinely NICE man. One who is honest, intelligent, creative (he is a singer, musician and producer complete with his own studio on his property) and without an ounce of judgment about anything. Ah, not getting carried away but I guess I will just see what happens. He said today that perhaps he is just going to have to come and get me so that we can take this relationship of ours to the next level. I, however, have a 3 week course starting tomorrow so I don't have to concern myself with that for a while anyway. Me and men. What am I going to do? And of course, when I have said to myself that no men for me for a while. Thank God for something like a whole continent between us, not to mention a bit of ocean.........smile..........
Heading over to have lunch with Dear Old Dad because I won't be able to for the next little while. Perhaps play a game of crib too. At least I am doing something right in that area. He is always so happy to see me. I can't imagine being where he is but then again, I am not him so how can I ever know what really is going on with him. Hey......half the time I don't even know what is going on with me.......groan
So glad that the course starts tomorrow. Will give me a focus for the next short while and that feels good. Moving forward and being pro-active in changing my life - for the better for sure.
I wish for you all a day of joy and wonder at all the possibilities out there.
And then, my wonderful friend from Barbados connected through Skype. Talked with him for over an hour. This is a man I met on line around 2 years ago and he has been there for me throughout all of this bulls**t with those other men. Hey, ya never know. Feels safer knowing that he is all the way over there and I am here but he has suggested we meet in the real world soon. And I do know that I need to meet him finally. I am amazed that he has never disappeared from my little world EVER since we first spoke. a nice man and that is perhaps what is getting to me. Am I ready for a genuinely NICE man. One who is honest, intelligent, creative (he is a singer, musician and producer complete with his own studio on his property) and without an ounce of judgment about anything. Ah, not getting carried away but I guess I will just see what happens. He said today that perhaps he is just going to have to come and get me so that we can take this relationship of ours to the next level. I, however, have a 3 week course starting tomorrow so I don't have to concern myself with that for a while anyway. Me and men. What am I going to do? And of course, when I have said to myself that no men for me for a while. Thank God for something like a whole continent between us, not to mention a bit of ocean.........smile..........
Heading over to have lunch with Dear Old Dad because I won't be able to for the next little while. Perhaps play a game of crib too. At least I am doing something right in that area. He is always so happy to see me. I can't imagine being where he is but then again, I am not him so how can I ever know what really is going on with him. Hey......half the time I don't even know what is going on with me.......groan
So glad that the course starts tomorrow. Will give me a focus for the next short while and that feels good. Moving forward and being pro-active in changing my life - for the better for sure.
I wish for you all a day of joy and wonder at all the possibilities out there.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
liberating freedom
I feel like a 150 pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm being facetious but I did send "him" on his merry little way. Feels oh so very good to be able to say "get outta here" but in a nice and gentle way. No anger, just a deep knowingness that this is NOT the way I see my future unfolding.
Am quite excited about the start of the little 3 week course of mine this Monday. It is called Transitions and seems so very fitting for me at this time in my life. Letting go of that baggage seems so much easier knowing that a new phase of my life is set to start. No need to be taking all the OLD into the NEW now is there?
I was driving around yesterday after a conversation with "him". I wonder why I put "him" into brackets like he is simply an afterthought or something not quite right. Don't know why but I'm sure someone can answer that for me.
Anyway as I drove around in the quiet of my thoughts, I had some pretty harsh revelations about ME that made me go "Hey, this is NOT me, nor is it the way I see my life unfolding." I did not go all judgmental on myself either which was wonderful.......just acknowledged what had transpired. In essence, I just accepted the why of it all and chose to choose differently. And part of that different choice was to say goodbye to him. There...no brackets.
Slept well last night. Had a great workout at the gym and am just generally feeling like the future is presenting itself as a glowing ball of energy - one that I just have to reach out for and accept. I have so many options available. Sure they don't look like they did when I was in my 20's or 30's but I do know that I have so many more life skills, not to mention "special gifts" that I am confident. Confident in my abilities. Confident in my place in the world. Confident in the future, however it presents itself.
Had a conversation with a guy at the gym yesterday and he said a couple of little things that really got me thinking about what the state of my connection was to that man. He stuck a cord I guess and this guy doesn't ever string more than a couple of phrases together.......pretending that that is a conversation. Then last night, we spoke again and I just had to thank him for his perception on the whole affair. He is a single man afterall and has his own take on things so, for him to have been able to help me move through this was a definite gift.
Feeling so relaxed and hoping that this will be my normal way of feeling, not just a place for the relief to settle into.
Yes, feeling positive about life again. It has been such a long time now that I have not trusted myself. So hard on the energy..........sometimes up and positive and sometimes down and flat lining, or so it seemed. At the end of the day however, I can say with confidence that I will not be going down that road any more.
The past 5 years has perhaps been the biggest learning curve I have ever experienced. Seeking some things and then losing clarity about what I really wanted and/or needed. When I stepped out of what was occurring for me, I had to ask myself WHY...........
Why was I choosing to bring in that sort of energy? Did I feel that I wasn't worth more than that? Was there a part of me that didn't want to step up to the plate and take charge once and for all for ME? That's a good one.
Was there a part of me that didn't want to step up to the plate and take charge once and for all?
And methinks that this just might be the kicker behind it all and also why this particular man came into my life..........He is looking for someone to look after him, on a number of different levels, with a very unfair balance of giving and receiving. And at the end of the day, it does all come down to balance.
Balance in all areas of our lives. Not falling into a trap of over doing constantly or giving to the point of exhaustion. I realize that I am worthy of receiving too but in perfect balance with what I am putting out. I also know that I had had my heart pretty well locked up, only opening it up on those few occasions where I really felt some love coming my way. And when it didn't come in the package I had envisioned, I tried to "imagine" it into being. Does that make sense? This effectively kept my true heart and emotions barricaded behind a wall on insecurity....
Boy oh boy, am I good at looking at things from a detached place. That too has been a "thing" with me for EVER. I do tend to remain detached to some degree........and I know it is fear of being hurt - all the while hurting myself because I couldn't remain open and receiving.
So a good day all in all. May you all have a wonderful Saturday doing whatever you choose to do and with whomever you choose to do it.
Am quite excited about the start of the little 3 week course of mine this Monday. It is called Transitions and seems so very fitting for me at this time in my life. Letting go of that baggage seems so much easier knowing that a new phase of my life is set to start. No need to be taking all the OLD into the NEW now is there?
I was driving around yesterday after a conversation with "him". I wonder why I put "him" into brackets like he is simply an afterthought or something not quite right. Don't know why but I'm sure someone can answer that for me.
Anyway as I drove around in the quiet of my thoughts, I had some pretty harsh revelations about ME that made me go "Hey, this is NOT me, nor is it the way I see my life unfolding." I did not go all judgmental on myself either which was wonderful.......just acknowledged what had transpired. In essence, I just accepted the why of it all and chose to choose differently. And part of that different choice was to say goodbye to him. There...no brackets.
Slept well last night. Had a great workout at the gym and am just generally feeling like the future is presenting itself as a glowing ball of energy - one that I just have to reach out for and accept. I have so many options available. Sure they don't look like they did when I was in my 20's or 30's but I do know that I have so many more life skills, not to mention "special gifts" that I am confident. Confident in my abilities. Confident in my place in the world. Confident in the future, however it presents itself.
Had a conversation with a guy at the gym yesterday and he said a couple of little things that really got me thinking about what the state of my connection was to that man. He stuck a cord I guess and this guy doesn't ever string more than a couple of phrases together.......pretending that that is a conversation. Then last night, we spoke again and I just had to thank him for his perception on the whole affair. He is a single man afterall and has his own take on things so, for him to have been able to help me move through this was a definite gift.
Feeling so relaxed and hoping that this will be my normal way of feeling, not just a place for the relief to settle into.
Yes, feeling positive about life again. It has been such a long time now that I have not trusted myself. So hard on the energy..........sometimes up and positive and sometimes down and flat lining, or so it seemed. At the end of the day however, I can say with confidence that I will not be going down that road any more.
The past 5 years has perhaps been the biggest learning curve I have ever experienced. Seeking some things and then losing clarity about what I really wanted and/or needed. When I stepped out of what was occurring for me, I had to ask myself WHY...........
Why was I choosing to bring in that sort of energy? Did I feel that I wasn't worth more than that? Was there a part of me that didn't want to step up to the plate and take charge once and for all for ME? That's a good one.
Was there a part of me that didn't want to step up to the plate and take charge once and for all?
And methinks that this just might be the kicker behind it all and also why this particular man came into my life..........He is looking for someone to look after him, on a number of different levels, with a very unfair balance of giving and receiving. And at the end of the day, it does all come down to balance.
Balance in all areas of our lives. Not falling into a trap of over doing constantly or giving to the point of exhaustion. I realize that I am worthy of receiving too but in perfect balance with what I am putting out. I also know that I had had my heart pretty well locked up, only opening it up on those few occasions where I really felt some love coming my way. And when it didn't come in the package I had envisioned, I tried to "imagine" it into being. Does that make sense? This effectively kept my true heart and emotions barricaded behind a wall on insecurity....
Boy oh boy, am I good at looking at things from a detached place. That too has been a "thing" with me for EVER. I do tend to remain detached to some degree........and I know it is fear of being hurt - all the while hurting myself because I couldn't remain open and receiving.
So a good day all in all. May you all have a wonderful Saturday doing whatever you choose to do and with whomever you choose to do it.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
POOF......another week gone
How do I do that? It amazes me how my days can just slip by, apparently with me at the helm but I have no idea where they went............the days that is.............this week.
Of course I guess I had a wee bit of a shock almost 2 weeks ago so to be wandering in a slight bit of a daze shouldn't surprise me. What does surprise me however, is how I have weathered this particular storm.
It has pushed me to get more pro-active in my life and look further than next week which is a good thing. I have also started to resume weekly meditation circles which is a great boost to me. It means that I have to step outside of the worldly distractions and focus on the inner world..my inner world and the inner self of the masses. I know that what we each do in our own life has a direct effect on the worlds of those around us and, more importantly, on the collective unconsciousness......or is that the collective consciousness? I always get confused with that one.
I have been delving inside trying to unearth the whys and how comes of the people that I bring into my life. And each time I get the same answer.
You are in the midst of a deeper healing while STILL working on the same issues with each and every person you come into contact with. The harder the lessons, the deeper you get to go.
I am looking at it all as a gift - learning more and more about me in every moment. So while I had a moment of sadness at the perceived injustice of it all, I do know, in my heart and Soul that I am getting closer and closer to a place of love for me - within it all.
Was reading a bit about the law of attraction this morning and on one site there was this affirmation or intention.
I want a genuine, conscious, loving relationship and I will do whatever work on myself I need to do to make this desire come true.
It got my attention. Am I doing whatever work I need to do to make this a reality in my life? And to be perfectly honest, I have not been doing so. There is work that I know will help me move further along my path in a place of trust and love but I had not allowed myself to go there. Perhaps because there were still lessons to be learned in this space in time. If that is the case, then NOW there is no reason for me to still be rambling around in THIS space......the space wherein I exist.
Is it time to leave the city or is it time for me to leave the old ways behind and move into a different way?
Questions to ponder and ones I am going to be comtemplating in the days ahead.
I do feel that something big has shifted. Stay tuned......
Of course I guess I had a wee bit of a shock almost 2 weeks ago so to be wandering in a slight bit of a daze shouldn't surprise me. What does surprise me however, is how I have weathered this particular storm.
It has pushed me to get more pro-active in my life and look further than next week which is a good thing. I have also started to resume weekly meditation circles which is a great boost to me. It means that I have to step outside of the worldly distractions and focus on the inner world..my inner world and the inner self of the masses. I know that what we each do in our own life has a direct effect on the worlds of those around us and, more importantly, on the collective unconsciousness......or is that the collective consciousness? I always get confused with that one.
I have been delving inside trying to unearth the whys and how comes of the people that I bring into my life. And each time I get the same answer.
You are in the midst of a deeper healing while STILL working on the same issues with each and every person you come into contact with. The harder the lessons, the deeper you get to go.
I am looking at it all as a gift - learning more and more about me in every moment. So while I had a moment of sadness at the perceived injustice of it all, I do know, in my heart and Soul that I am getting closer and closer to a place of love for me - within it all.
Was reading a bit about the law of attraction this morning and on one site there was this affirmation or intention.
I want a genuine, conscious, loving relationship and I will do whatever work on myself I need to do to make this desire come true.
It got my attention. Am I doing whatever work I need to do to make this a reality in my life? And to be perfectly honest, I have not been doing so. There is work that I know will help me move further along my path in a place of trust and love but I had not allowed myself to go there. Perhaps because there were still lessons to be learned in this space in time. If that is the case, then NOW there is no reason for me to still be rambling around in THIS space......the space wherein I exist.
Is it time to leave the city or is it time for me to leave the old ways behind and move into a different way?
Questions to ponder and ones I am going to be comtemplating in the days ahead.
I do feel that something big has shifted. Stay tuned......
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