Sunday thoughts

Feeling a little lonely today even though I have spoken to a few people and gone for a walk with another. Sure wish I could just accept the fact that I am not in a relationship. I have been trying to manifest one for the past 5 years and haven't been doing such a good job of it. Yeah, yeah I know. If we try too hard for something we simply succeed in pushing it further away. It's all about balance. Putting it out there and then letting it have free reign while I proceed in living my life exactly as it is. And to be honest, it is not that bad.

I'm feeling very good about my future job prospects now at least. Was getting a tad anxious now that I admit it to myself. All those old beliefs about age and the like. Getting old on one level is just a state of mind but at the end of the day, I am very aware of my earth years. Something occurred last night that got my attention.

Went African dancing which I love but it was different this time or perhaps my expectations around it all have shifted. I noticed that when I was dancing last night, I was not as aware of others dancing around. Just got into my own groove and found a spot and moved to the music. There was this woman there who is well known around town as an African dance instructor. She usually attends these particular dance events and always is surrounded by various people who have been in her classes and/or perform with her at performances. I took a class with her a couple of years ago so have the rythym necessary to do most of the traditional moves. Found that I spotted her and immediately started to do the dance that she was doing with her group. It took me into a different place within me within the dance and it felt great. I also realized that I will not be finding me someone to dance at these events as most of the men of my age group are there with partners and wives and the rest of the men are simply too young for me. But, instead of becoming despondent about it all, I just realized that it is all about the dance and my own self expression. Danced until I could no longer do so and then simply came home. Felt good.

There is still this slight sense of loss or perhaps a feeling of openness that is ready to be filled. Sigh. I do know however that it is not a time for me to be seeking out a relationship as I have work to do on my self. A few months ago I found a quote on line and I think I even shared it with you all when I originally found it. It goes something like this...

I want a genuine, conscious loving relationship and I am willing to do whatever work I need to do on myself to make this desire come true.

And I do want that and I AM prepared to spend time on myself to make me attractive to the energy that is already coming my way. Patience needs to become my word. Understanding needs to be brought to the surface of my consciousness so that I am clear as to what it is that I truly DO desire in a relationship. I thought I knew what that was. Now, however, those desires, or should I say NEEDS, have shifted.

Looking forward to a relationship wherein I am in charge of me and he is in charge of him. A sense of respect and allowing is imperative. Allowing me to be me and allowing me to flail around if that is what I need to do at any given moment. A sense that all is in complete and divine order is what I am opening up to. For to try to fight it would be futile.

A couple of lines from a poem come to me.

No need to push, no need to pull
Just let it come to you.

Waiting for whatever is meant to come to me to just do that.....come to me that is.

In the meantime, I think I'll go and clean off my balcony in preparation for all those beautiful spring flowers that I am getting later this week to plant. Bringing a sense of beauty and joy into my world again. It's time...

Blessings on this beautiful Sunday.

Namaste