liberating freedom

I feel like a 150 pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm being facetious but I did send "him" on his merry little way. Feels oh so very good to be able to say "get outta here" but in a nice and gentle way. No anger, just a deep knowingness that this is NOT the way I see my future unfolding.

Am quite excited about the start of the little 3 week course of mine this Monday. It is called Transitions and seems so very fitting for me at this time in my life. Letting go of that baggage seems so much easier knowing that a new phase of my life is set to start. No need to be taking all the OLD into the NEW now is there?

I was driving around yesterday after a conversation with "him". I wonder why I put "him" into brackets like he is simply an afterthought or something not quite right. Don't know why but I'm sure someone can answer that for me.

Anyway as I drove around in the quiet of my thoughts, I had some pretty harsh revelations about ME that made me go "Hey, this is NOT me, nor is it the way I see my life unfolding." I did not go all judgmental on myself either which was wonderful.......just acknowledged what had transpired. In essence, I just accepted the why of it all and chose to choose differently. And part of that different choice was to say goodbye to him. There...no brackets.

Slept well last night. Had a great workout at the gym and am just generally feeling like the future is presenting itself as a glowing ball of energy - one that I just have to reach out for and accept. I have so many options available. Sure they don't look like they did when I was in my 20's or 30's but I do know that I have so many more life skills, not to mention "special gifts" that I am confident. Confident in my abilities. Confident in my place in the world. Confident in the future, however it presents itself.

Had a conversation with a guy at the gym yesterday and he said a couple of little things that really got me thinking about what the state of my connection was to that man. He stuck a cord I guess and this guy doesn't ever string more than a couple of phrases together.......pretending that that is a conversation. Then last night, we spoke again and I just had to thank him for his perception on the whole affair. He is a single man afterall and has his own take on things so, for him to have been able to help me move through this was a definite gift.

Feeling so relaxed and hoping that this will be my normal way of feeling, not just a place for the relief to settle into.

Yes, feeling positive about life again. It has been such a long time now that I have not trusted myself. So hard on the energy..........sometimes up and positive and sometimes down and flat lining, or so it seemed. At the end of the day however, I can say with confidence that I will not be going down that road any more.

The past 5 years has perhaps been the biggest learning curve I have ever experienced. Seeking some things and then losing clarity about what I really wanted and/or needed. When I stepped out of what was occurring for me, I had to ask myself WHY...........

Why was I choosing to bring in that sort of energy? Did I feel that I wasn't worth more than that? Was there a part of me that didn't want to step up to the plate and take charge once and for all for ME? That's a good one.

Was there a part of me that didn't want to step up to the plate and take charge once and for all?

And methinks that this just might be the kicker behind it all and also why this particular man came into my life..........He is looking for someone to look after him, on a number of different levels, with a very unfair balance of giving and receiving. And at the end of the day, it does all come down to balance.

Balance in all areas of our lives. Not falling into a trap of over doing constantly or giving to the point of exhaustion. I realize that I am worthy of receiving too but in perfect balance with what I am putting out. I also know that I had had my heart pretty well locked up, only opening it up on those few occasions where I really felt some love coming my way. And when it didn't come in the package I had envisioned, I tried to "imagine" it into being. Does that make sense? This effectively kept my true heart and emotions barricaded behind a wall on insecurity....

Boy oh boy, am I good at looking at things from a detached place. That too has been a "thing" with me for EVER. I do tend to remain detached to some degree........and I know it is fear of being hurt - all the while hurting myself because I couldn't remain open and receiving.

So a good day all in all. May you all have a wonderful Saturday doing whatever you choose to do and with whomever you choose to do it.