Glorious sunny weekends

Had a very full weekend and am taking a day to simply be quiet in my home.....attending to housework, etc.

This weekend was the start of the Festival of Lights in Vancouver (annual fireworks displays) so there was tons of things to do on the beach and at various parks....music, volleyball, basketball, and MORE music and thankfully the weather was beautiful.  It is times like this that I am very grateful to be living on the West Coast.

We did have a bizarre time on Friday night however.  Got to see my son and his wife's family for a going away barbeque for her sister and brother in law and their family as they are moving back to France to live once more.  A wonderful couple with two amazing young sons so did enjoy visiting. 

The bizarre part of it all was that both myself and my guy, plus my friend (my son's step mother) were asked to pay $20.00 EACH for our dinner.  WHAT???  A family dinner but only WE had to cough up money.  Another instance of being pushed out of the "family" dynamic.  Both my friend and my guy were furious but I said I am going to keep the peace and pay up which I did.

The amount of food that was there was amazing and we certainly did not eat anywhere near $60.00 worth of food but there must have been more than enough for them to all have another wonderful meal the next day.  I'm curious to see what you think about this situation.  How would YOU have felt if this happened to you?

I myself have hosted numerous barbeques and family dinners and I certainly NEVER requested money from my guests.  Perhaps this is part of their culture but it sure felt "off" to us.  Plus when no one else had to pay, why did we?  We kept asking if we could do anything but were continually pushed out of the kitchen.  I have always helped at dinners, whether it was family or not and my assistance is usually graciously accepted.  Not so with these people though.

A few years ago, my daughter in laws family held a Christmas eve dinner and at that time we were also requested to pay for our meal but that time, I guess my son felt embarassed because he paid for me.  

I had always envisioned a big happy family and when my son married his wife, I thought that is what would have happened.  But as I have previously lamented it is certainly not to be.  I am worried about my son however as I sat and listened to her family continually criticize and badmouth him and his way of being, including his wife.  They all stayed at the home overnight but he did not.  This was considered rude of him but he had to go to work the next day and wanted a good night's sleep.

And while my granddaughter was there, I did not even get to hug her - not even once.  Her other grandmother and her cousins, plus her sister and father retained "custody" of her the entire evening.  Tried to get close to her but she was always swept away in the arms of others.  Sigh......a sad state of affairs as I am a very loving, caring person and only wish to have a bit of time to be with her...my only grandchild. 

The other grandmother kept going on and on about how Amelia got this from her and got that from her grandfather.  I smiled and said "well, she also has ME as a grandparent."   She just scoffed and went "pffffff" as she toddled off holding said granddaughter. 

I shall keep plugging along and trying to retain some sort of connection with my son and his daughter but I am starting to think that sooner, rather than later, there will be no connection at all and that is a sad state of affairs.  I keep asking them to come over to our home, which is in a beautiful part of the city, above the beach with views that go on forever, a playground right around the corner for the baby but nada.........  You can only keep asking for so long and then you simply stop.  Sure hoping that I can retain some sense of worth after being rebuffed repeatedly.

Oh well, laundry is calling to me so I shall be off.

Have a glorious day everyone out their in cyberspace.

Blessings

Surrender and Acceptance

The other day I realized something about myself. 

There are times when I feel that I am somehow "out of sync" with my surroundings and dare I say...my life.  I am moving through my days and accomplishing stuff but there is this underlying feeling that something is just not right.  I will find myself feeling sad and realizing that there is nothing to be sad about.  So then, why or perhaps "where" does this sadness come from.

I like to analyse things and realize that this feeling is coming up from deep down within my Being.  I can go over and over situations from where this sadness could come from, but that is not the task at hand.  What I am wanting to do is live my life "without" the sadness.

I am getting better at it and I know that something in me has changed from what I once was.  When the sadness used to come over me I would be a mess.  Crying and feeling like the end of the world was at hand and then reliving this sensation over and over and over again until I finally released it all.  Exhausting for sure.  Now, it is more an awareness that comes over me.  So at the end of the day this is a good thing or would appear to be good.  However, something else has come with this new awareness and this doesn't feel like me.

I find that when with people, I am not as "close" as I used to be.  A distancing has occurred.  I used to talk to everyone anywhere.  Now, I find that I am quieter and not as prone to reach out to others.  I think it has something to do with the hurts I have experienced with those that I feel or felt close to.  Perhaps it is just a way to protect myself now but it has come at the expense of my losing my trust in others.

I had always trusted everyone and every situation to be a safe place for me.  With those hurts from different people, I suppose that I had to "toughen" up if that is the right word for this but I'll use it for now.  The tears that used to flow so freely are much less and even when others are crying, that part of me that would FEEL what everyone was feeling has taken a step back.

As we all know, or at least those of you that read my little discourses know, my relationship with my son and daughter has been an ongoing part of my own growth.  Thankfully my daughter and I are at a much better place but even with her, I have had to take a step back and hold on to my thoughts and my feelings, which of course contributes to feeling out of sync with things.  But, we are doing well so that is a good thing.  The thing with my son had finally sunk in and I am choosing to change my way of looking and relating to him and his life.

I saw him the other day and got to spend a bit of time with the granddaughter.  While there, my daughter in law was not home so I got to be the female figure in the group.  I chose to spend my time playing, chatting and dancing with the little one while listening to my son speak with my guy.  And I realized something about him........he has become someone that I do not know.  His behaviour to both myself, his stepmother and his sister is completely disrespectful and to make matters worse, he claims he has done nothing for which he feels the need to apologize.  Nothing we can say or do is going to change his mind about the divine rightness of HIS actions and so, FINALLY, I surrender.

I realize that if I want to have a part in his and his family's life, I will have to make the effort because he admits he will not do so.  I can't sit here expecting he or his wife to just call to see how I am.  I can't expect them to call and say, come for a walk with us and the baby.  They will not call me to babysit my granddaughter because his mother in law has that position in their life.  I asked to look after her every so often and he stated "we don't need you!"  OUCH.  So that is another thing that I have to accept.  Sad, but true but you know what?  I can not change the way he is choosing to live his life and if I want to be a part of it at all, I will have to suck it up. 

So slowly but surely I am surrendering to life as it is.  There are still areas I wish were different but that is the way things are at the moment.  I do know that it is only with acceptance that we can truly move forward.  Acceptance for what was.  Acceptance for what is.  And most importantly, acceptance for what will be.

I am choosing to believe that this too shall pass, as do all things in life.  I am content to surrender to the life that I find myself immersed in now.  Surrender with Love, Joy and Acceptance. I also will simply blast that "sadness" thing with LIGHT and TRUST.

There, that feels MUCH better.  How about you.........smile.

Since the full moon earlier this week I have been feeling out of "it" and have had really low energy.  During our full moon Meditation, which I facilitate, one of the main attributes to this past moon was the ability and opportunity to release unloved and denied emotions.  And to say that my emotions have whacked me big time would be an understatement.

I still find myself emmersed in feelings of loss and sadness when it comes to my son and "his" family.  He makes absolutely no attempt to reach out to me and invite me to be a part of his life or that of his daughter.  When I was last there, she (my granddaughter) would not even come to me or let her Mother out of her site.  I realize that she is a one year old but it sure hurts when you realize that your granddaughter doesn't even know who you are.  I am a stranger and that just plain feels wrong.

What am I to do?  Just keep pushing for a place in their lives or let it go.  I had such high hopes that things would change between my son and his wife towards me but it has gotten even worse.  I would love to babysit her once in a while but this is not allowed as the other grandmother or her sister are the ones that they turn to.  The other Grandma is there 3 or 4 times a week, if not more, she babysits the little one often and it is to her that Amelia clings.  When her Auntie and little cousins arrive, it is obvious that they too spend a large amount of time with her as she runs to them and hugs them all.

I know that my daughter in law had told me years ago that she felt my son was too close to me and that she encouraged him to step back, which he has done in full force.  I never get a phone call asking how I am doing but then again, they did say that I am not to share my emotions or feelings with them either so asking how I am would go against what they have chosen to put in place with respect to me.  Hence the sadness.

The hurt part of me is thinking that I need to accept that they do not want me to be a part of their life but how can a Mother do that?  I have the time and energy to devote to having a warm, loving relationship with them all but it is not encouraged.  When he said to me that he had HIS family to concern himself  with and that my life, the life of his Mother, had no importance in his life, nor did he have any time to devote to time spent with me.

Whenever I do call him, the first thing out of his mouth is that he is so busy and hasn't time for anything else in his life.  When I question him about what part in his family I play.....he says that I am not part of HIS family.  When I query what I am if not family, he gets all huffy and says he hasn't time to waste on my feelings.  Very hurtful and sad, not only for me, but also for his step mother and his sister AND his grandfather.  Since when do you stop being family just because you get married?  Any insight on this.....ANYONE???

So today I am working through this yet again.  When will it ever stop?  I am tired of being upset and emotional with respect to what should be a wonderful experience.......GRANDMOTHERHOOD!!  I was so excited but also apprehensive as deep in my Soul I did suspect that the scenerio within which I find myself is what I suspected might occur.  I did think that my Son would make an effort to include me in his life but this is not the case.  It is like he divorced his birth family when he married into hers.  I understand that this happens in quite a few families but I never dreamt it would happen with mine.

Anyway, I have to get out of this energy because my poor little body is so full of tension that my back is in spasms, my head hurts and my neck feels like it will snap at any moment.  Not a nice way to feel.

O.K. that's my venting for the day.  At the end of it all I know I will move through this but sure wish it were different.

Have a good weekend everyone.  Time for me to meditate on this one yet again.

Blessings