Since the full moon earlier this week I have been feeling out of "it" and have had really low energy.  During our full moon Meditation, which I facilitate, one of the main attributes to this past moon was the ability and opportunity to release unloved and denied emotions.  And to say that my emotions have whacked me big time would be an understatement.

I still find myself emmersed in feelings of loss and sadness when it comes to my son and "his" family.  He makes absolutely no attempt to reach out to me and invite me to be a part of his life or that of his daughter.  When I was last there, she (my granddaughter) would not even come to me or let her Mother out of her site.  I realize that she is a one year old but it sure hurts when you realize that your granddaughter doesn't even know who you are.  I am a stranger and that just plain feels wrong.

What am I to do?  Just keep pushing for a place in their lives or let it go.  I had such high hopes that things would change between my son and his wife towards me but it has gotten even worse.  I would love to babysit her once in a while but this is not allowed as the other grandmother or her sister are the ones that they turn to.  The other Grandma is there 3 or 4 times a week, if not more, she babysits the little one often and it is to her that Amelia clings.  When her Auntie and little cousins arrive, it is obvious that they too spend a large amount of time with her as she runs to them and hugs them all.

I know that my daughter in law had told me years ago that she felt my son was too close to me and that she encouraged him to step back, which he has done in full force.  I never get a phone call asking how I am doing but then again, they did say that I am not to share my emotions or feelings with them either so asking how I am would go against what they have chosen to put in place with respect to me.  Hence the sadness.

The hurt part of me is thinking that I need to accept that they do not want me to be a part of their life but how can a Mother do that?  I have the time and energy to devote to having a warm, loving relationship with them all but it is not encouraged.  When he said to me that he had HIS family to concern himself  with and that my life, the life of his Mother, had no importance in his life, nor did he have any time to devote to time spent with me.

Whenever I do call him, the first thing out of his mouth is that he is so busy and hasn't time for anything else in his life.  When I question him about what part in his family I play.....he says that I am not part of HIS family.  When I query what I am if not family, he gets all huffy and says he hasn't time to waste on my feelings.  Very hurtful and sad, not only for me, but also for his step mother and his sister AND his grandfather.  Since when do you stop being family just because you get married?  Any insight on this.....ANYONE???

So today I am working through this yet again.  When will it ever stop?  I am tired of being upset and emotional with respect to what should be a wonderful experience.......GRANDMOTHERHOOD!!  I was so excited but also apprehensive as deep in my Soul I did suspect that the scenerio within which I find myself is what I suspected might occur.  I did think that my Son would make an effort to include me in his life but this is not the case.  It is like he divorced his birth family when he married into hers.  I understand that this happens in quite a few families but I never dreamt it would happen with mine.

Anyway, I have to get out of this energy because my poor little body is so full of tension that my back is in spasms, my head hurts and my neck feels like it will snap at any moment.  Not a nice way to feel.

O.K. that's my venting for the day.  At the end of it all I know I will move through this but sure wish it were different.

Have a good weekend everyone.  Time for me to meditate on this one yet again.

Blessings