So now we wait. Poor Old Dad is now on oxygen and morphine as they try to keep him comfortable as he prepares for his transition. I sit with him and watch - that is all I can do. I talk to him but it feels weird as he doesn't respond. I touch him and feel our energies blending. I send love from my heart to his and I count the seconds between his breaths. At times I think "o.k. this is it" as he stops breathing for 20 seconds or so and then PHEW, another breath.
I sit and remember watching my Mother pass over over 30 years ago and find that that was even harder as she was not even 57..........yes, the Big C got her. I have been wearing a bracelet of hers for the past few days as - I don't know why but must have something to do with wondering if she will great him when he arrives, if he even gets to the same place as her.
I am not one to really believe in heaven or hell as I am more aligned with the spiritual belief system that we are all spirit and when we transition from this earthly realm, we move to that higher place prior to our descent back into earthly form. But like it or not, when death is calling, I guess it is natural to think of heaven and/or hell....
As I sat with him today and yesterday, I simply rose to that higher place and sat as Soul to Soul.......that works for me. Who knows how one is to relate as a parent passes. A friend of mine sat with her father all day for 10 days and slept in his room at the hospital. Of course, she had had a wonderful loving relationship with her father and for her, his transition, was devastating. I remember saying in my head yesterday, I wish things could have been different but know that that kind of thinking is useless. It was what it was and I am grateful that we did have some nice memories this past few years.
And again, I wonder will I change with his passing. I certainly hope so because the past couple of years, while we did have some pleasant times, has also been rife with turbulence. Will his passing allow me to move past all of that? I don't know but I will be talking with others who are also going through the same situation at the exact same time as me.
I reached out to a friend who had gone through some pretty rough experiences after the passing of her father and our conversation today was very helpful for me. She also gave me a copy of her most recent book, she has written 3, and showed me one of the poems that I had completely forgotten about that I said she could use as it seems to encapsulates the essence of this book. The book is called "Keys to living life from the inside out". If you get a chance, check it out. Her name is Elfie Leddy.
I know that it will assist me over the course of the next few months as I transition from who I have been to who I know, deep in my Soul, I AM.
The saga continues...........
Namaste
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Accepting what we can not change
A woman at the gym repeated that 12 step mantra to me the other day...
Accept the things you can not change
Change the things you can
Have the wisdom to know the difference..........
Methinks that wisdom stuck its head in the sand as I have been TRYING desperately to change things in my life the past few years and I think, THINK I say, that I finally get it.
All the family drama, that is really been there my entire life, will not change just because I want it to. There are others involved in the mix and if they have chosen to relate, or NOT relate to me, there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried repeatedly to get both my son and my brother to talk but they do not. What am I to do with that?
Accept it! Stop believing that I am inherently bad or something because people in my family choose to step away from me. I still don't really get it though because I am constantly being told what an amazing, loving, compassionate person I am. This is from people who only see me once in a while or meet me on the street. I fnd too that, since I am a healer/intuitive, people have a very hard time accepting the fact that I am not completely all together and when I need assistance, or just a ear to hear, they step back. Am I too needy?
That's an interesting thought. Is it that I need others and that is why I have a need to be needed?
Again, asking those questions.........always asking questions when what I really want is for others to give me answers to those same questions. Perhaps it is time to stop asking and get on with my life, letting others get on with their life. But that brings me back to the fact that it is FAMILY that I am so obsessed with these days. How can I just let them go? How do others let them go?
I know that a lot of people just say "F**K IT" and walk away but I can't do that. Energetically it sits there percolating constantly and my mind just keeps going there asking that same old "WHY". How has it come to this?
I have a woman who I have gone to over the years for spiritual guidance and for the first time in years, I feel the need to sit down with her and get her unique perspective on the whole situation because nothing else seems to be working.
I do feel a bit better today and will be going over to check on Dad. His Nurse said that he is still having difficulty breathing and they are using oxygen, which he HATES. But, as they say, he is being compliant with his medications and the oxygen but it is so hard seeing him like that. Whiney little me wishes someone else would be there for him because as I have said, it is taking a big toll on me.
My partner is now in his 70's and while he feels for me, he has a very hard time going over to see my Dad as it makes him look at his own mortality and that is not something he likes to do. He is a very VERY fit, young looking man - in fact when I first met him I truly believed that he might even be younger than me so to find out that he is 13 years older than me was a shock. When he gets uncomfortable with his age, he too gets antsy so I let him stay at home when I go over.
And of course, I too look at my own aging process and wonder how I will be at 92, or even if I will still be here then. I sometimes wonder if, when my Dad does indeed pass over, will I change. My life as his daughter has been filled with anger directed at me yet still over I go to give him what I can. I do remember that for a period of time (3 or 4 years) we did not see each other. I still sent letters as I am a communicator and had to keep him abreast of what was happening in my life and that of his grandchildren. When we did finally get together, due to a health crisis, I was astounded to find all the letters that I had written over the course of that time sitting next to his chair. Turns out that he read and re read them over and over.
I feel the love coming from him now but so wish I could have felt it over the years as I was growing up and raising my family. But then again, as I started off with this discourse, we can only change what we can and lamenting all those lost years is a waste of time and energy. Just like it is definitely a waste of energy now for me to be sitting in this muck, affecting my entire physical health.
So, wish me luck. Over to see Dad as I try to come to grips with the ending of life as we both know it.
I know I will be o.k. but getting past this state of affairs is going to be an interesting journey through this part of my life.
May you all be blessed with love and light and laughter.
Namaste.
Accept the things you can not change
Change the things you can
Have the wisdom to know the difference..........
Methinks that wisdom stuck its head in the sand as I have been TRYING desperately to change things in my life the past few years and I think, THINK I say, that I finally get it.
All the family drama, that is really been there my entire life, will not change just because I want it to. There are others involved in the mix and if they have chosen to relate, or NOT relate to me, there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried repeatedly to get both my son and my brother to talk but they do not. What am I to do with that?
Accept it! Stop believing that I am inherently bad or something because people in my family choose to step away from me. I still don't really get it though because I am constantly being told what an amazing, loving, compassionate person I am. This is from people who only see me once in a while or meet me on the street. I fnd too that, since I am a healer/intuitive, people have a very hard time accepting the fact that I am not completely all together and when I need assistance, or just a ear to hear, they step back. Am I too needy?
That's an interesting thought. Is it that I need others and that is why I have a need to be needed?
Again, asking those questions.........always asking questions when what I really want is for others to give me answers to those same questions. Perhaps it is time to stop asking and get on with my life, letting others get on with their life. But that brings me back to the fact that it is FAMILY that I am so obsessed with these days. How can I just let them go? How do others let them go?
I know that a lot of people just say "F**K IT" and walk away but I can't do that. Energetically it sits there percolating constantly and my mind just keeps going there asking that same old "WHY". How has it come to this?
I have a woman who I have gone to over the years for spiritual guidance and for the first time in years, I feel the need to sit down with her and get her unique perspective on the whole situation because nothing else seems to be working.
I do feel a bit better today and will be going over to check on Dad. His Nurse said that he is still having difficulty breathing and they are using oxygen, which he HATES. But, as they say, he is being compliant with his medications and the oxygen but it is so hard seeing him like that. Whiney little me wishes someone else would be there for him because as I have said, it is taking a big toll on me.
My partner is now in his 70's and while he feels for me, he has a very hard time going over to see my Dad as it makes him look at his own mortality and that is not something he likes to do. He is a very VERY fit, young looking man - in fact when I first met him I truly believed that he might even be younger than me so to find out that he is 13 years older than me was a shock. When he gets uncomfortable with his age, he too gets antsy so I let him stay at home when I go over.
And of course, I too look at my own aging process and wonder how I will be at 92, or even if I will still be here then. I sometimes wonder if, when my Dad does indeed pass over, will I change. My life as his daughter has been filled with anger directed at me yet still over I go to give him what I can. I do remember that for a period of time (3 or 4 years) we did not see each other. I still sent letters as I am a communicator and had to keep him abreast of what was happening in my life and that of his grandchildren. When we did finally get together, due to a health crisis, I was astounded to find all the letters that I had written over the course of that time sitting next to his chair. Turns out that he read and re read them over and over.
I feel the love coming from him now but so wish I could have felt it over the years as I was growing up and raising my family. But then again, as I started off with this discourse, we can only change what we can and lamenting all those lost years is a waste of time and energy. Just like it is definitely a waste of energy now for me to be sitting in this muck, affecting my entire physical health.
So, wish me luck. Over to see Dad as I try to come to grips with the ending of life as we both know it.
I know I will be o.k. but getting past this state of affairs is going to be an interesting journey through this part of my life.
May you all be blessed with love and light and laughter.
Namaste.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Shifting energies
Wow, was I ever feeling sorry for myself yesterday. Still feeling slightly "off" but am moving through it.
The weather has shifted the past couple of days as well, with the onset of Autumn making its presence felt. I have been cold too which sucks. Don't know whether to attribute that to the cooling temperatures or my emotional temperature. Perhaps a bit of both.
Went to the gym today but took it easy. There is fear within me now wondering what the ramifications are of having high blood pressure - at least for me. I know a large number of the population has high blood pressure. In fact the doctor at the clinic said it is not "uncommon" for this to happen to people over 50. But hey, I am not satisfied with that comment - like deal with it, it is a fact of life. I do not choose to believe this to be SO. That being said, what to do about it. I eat well, exercise - but as I write this I realize that there are a lot of areas within my life that are not in balance.
The problems with an aging father weigh heavy on my mind. I have a brother but he has not come to see our father in over 15 years. I finally stopped trying to get him to visit but I know that that bothers me as I am always fielding questions about my brother from our father. I don't want to upset him but like it or not, said brother does not speak with me either. He moved to California and has not come back. I remember thinking that he moved so that he wouldn't have to deal with us. That hurt but we had not been close when growing up. I understand the desire to get away from family at times but doesn't he EVER want to see or speak with us again.
It really bothers me that my son - my father's grandson - never visits his grandfather even though he lives in a care home about 5 minutes from my son's home. I kept asking him to visit his grandfather or pick him up and take him for a drive or to see his great granddaughter but he hasn't done it in over a year. How can family treat each other with such little regard?
When I think of my family history, I can see that I have spent a lot of time trying to make things right, but to no avail. What can this lesson be?
I know I shouldn't do this but I wonder "did I do something wrong?" I can think of situations that have happened over the course of my life where one may get angry with another but once the situation has been delved into, life resumes.
For instance, why has my brother chosen to leave his birth family. He never had children himself and never calls or emails. His wife will send a Christmas card with a stock letter to everyone but other than that, nada. I do send him emails and leave message but again...nada. His relationship with our father was awful, as was mine, but I came back and am there for him even though some think I should just leave him be. I am not the type of person who can do that. I was going to say "he needs me" and as that thought entered my mind, I realized that I NEED to be needed. And that could be part of the problem.
When I am not needed I feel useless and, I have to admit, anxious. Lately I have been feeling the need of others but I realize that everyone has their own life to live and, like or not, I am obviously not a part of their lives. People have drifted away and I have not pursued relationships to fill in the void like I had in the past. While a part of me desires human interactions, there is another part of me that wants to be on my own.....and THAT is certainly the me I used to be.
Will be seeing my new family doctor on Monday. Obviously will be dealing with the blood pressure issue and perhaps see if she can suggest someone for me to discuss my current issues with family and my well being in general.
But now I think I'll head out into the day. The sun is shining, there is a light breeze blowing and the beach calls me.
Namaste
The weather has shifted the past couple of days as well, with the onset of Autumn making its presence felt. I have been cold too which sucks. Don't know whether to attribute that to the cooling temperatures or my emotional temperature. Perhaps a bit of both.
Went to the gym today but took it easy. There is fear within me now wondering what the ramifications are of having high blood pressure - at least for me. I know a large number of the population has high blood pressure. In fact the doctor at the clinic said it is not "uncommon" for this to happen to people over 50. But hey, I am not satisfied with that comment - like deal with it, it is a fact of life. I do not choose to believe this to be SO. That being said, what to do about it. I eat well, exercise - but as I write this I realize that there are a lot of areas within my life that are not in balance.
The problems with an aging father weigh heavy on my mind. I have a brother but he has not come to see our father in over 15 years. I finally stopped trying to get him to visit but I know that that bothers me as I am always fielding questions about my brother from our father. I don't want to upset him but like it or not, said brother does not speak with me either. He moved to California and has not come back. I remember thinking that he moved so that he wouldn't have to deal with us. That hurt but we had not been close when growing up. I understand the desire to get away from family at times but doesn't he EVER want to see or speak with us again.
It really bothers me that my son - my father's grandson - never visits his grandfather even though he lives in a care home about 5 minutes from my son's home. I kept asking him to visit his grandfather or pick him up and take him for a drive or to see his great granddaughter but he hasn't done it in over a year. How can family treat each other with such little regard?
When I think of my family history, I can see that I have spent a lot of time trying to make things right, but to no avail. What can this lesson be?
I know I shouldn't do this but I wonder "did I do something wrong?" I can think of situations that have happened over the course of my life where one may get angry with another but once the situation has been delved into, life resumes.
For instance, why has my brother chosen to leave his birth family. He never had children himself and never calls or emails. His wife will send a Christmas card with a stock letter to everyone but other than that, nada. I do send him emails and leave message but again...nada. His relationship with our father was awful, as was mine, but I came back and am there for him even though some think I should just leave him be. I am not the type of person who can do that. I was going to say "he needs me" and as that thought entered my mind, I realized that I NEED to be needed. And that could be part of the problem.
When I am not needed I feel useless and, I have to admit, anxious. Lately I have been feeling the need of others but I realize that everyone has their own life to live and, like or not, I am obviously not a part of their lives. People have drifted away and I have not pursued relationships to fill in the void like I had in the past. While a part of me desires human interactions, there is another part of me that wants to be on my own.....and THAT is certainly the me I used to be.
Will be seeing my new family doctor on Monday. Obviously will be dealing with the blood pressure issue and perhaps see if she can suggest someone for me to discuss my current issues with family and my well being in general.
But now I think I'll head out into the day. The sun is shining, there is a light breeze blowing and the beach calls me.
Namaste
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Dealing with stress of life
Well it appears that all the stress that has been swirling around me the past few years has finally caught up to me. My blood pressure has gone up to the point that I am now being prescribed high blood pressure medication. The pharmacist at the drug store where I test my blood pressure told me that I had to either go directly to the hospital or to my doctors office, which I did.
My guy deals with things in a completely different way than I do and this is also causing me a fair amount of stress. He can't understand why I can't just let it all go and tell those who are causing me stress to f**k off but when it is family, it brings a whole other dynamic into the mix.
I just can not do that. I keep wanting to find the reason for the discordance but when the others in the mix are not ready to talk, I am left with my thoughts or, as I have been doing of late, trying to make it "feel" better. At the end of the day, obviously trying to distance myself from it all is NOT working either so here I sit....feeling weak and powerless over the energies that are running rampant through my little body.
I have things I should be doing but I just want to lie down and sleep....not my regular mode of operation. Sitting in meditation, which is my next step will be very helpful and that is what I am going to do.
May your day be filled with love, laughter and joy.
Namaste
My guy deals with things in a completely different way than I do and this is also causing me a fair amount of stress. He can't understand why I can't just let it all go and tell those who are causing me stress to f**k off but when it is family, it brings a whole other dynamic into the mix.
I just can not do that. I keep wanting to find the reason for the discordance but when the others in the mix are not ready to talk, I am left with my thoughts or, as I have been doing of late, trying to make it "feel" better. At the end of the day, obviously trying to distance myself from it all is NOT working either so here I sit....feeling weak and powerless over the energies that are running rampant through my little body.
I have things I should be doing but I just want to lie down and sleep....not my regular mode of operation. Sitting in meditation, which is my next step will be very helpful and that is what I am going to do.
May your day be filled with love, laughter and joy.
Namaste
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Aging parents
I am experiencing rather heavy energy this day. After congratulations myself on writing 4 days in a row, I figured I had better make sure I sit down this afternoon. My heart is heavy as I saw my poor old Dad today and he was NOT in good shape.
I have to admit that I am a tad annoyed with the staff at his Care Home as nobody called to advise me that my Dad was in such awful shape. His breathing was REALLY laboured yet he had managed to wheel himself down to meet me, trying valiantly to pretend that he is o.k. I had brought coffees and some special cookies to share with him down on the patio next to the river.......he loves that. As soon as I saw him, however, I just put everything down and immediately got into Katrice mode.
The denseness in his chest and upper back was felt from a foot away. I explained to my Dad what I was going to do and he immediately relaxed. Great knowing that he trusts me to do my "woo woo" stuff on him. I have done the same thing in the past and he feels the energy as soon as it starts to flow. After a couple of minutes, his breathing settled into a more natural rythym and we shared our coffees.
Every 10 minutes or so I got up and worked on him for a couple of minutes and each time, he relaxed even more. Took him back to his room, got him settled and did one last sweep of his energy. I knew it was pneumonia and when I walked past the nurses station they proceeded to me tell me precisely THAT. The doctor had just been there, prescribing antibiotics and a "puffer". So with their medicine and MY medicine (healer woman that I AM), we will just have to wait and see.
At the end of the day he IS 92 years old and has been failing more and more the past six months or so. I have had to stop trying to take him out for lunch, which he used to LOVE, for a number of reasons. He gets very ornery when I try to help him out of his wheelchair and into the car and then out of the car and into the wheelchair. Looking at the menu is overwhelming now as he is used to just going down to the dining room, sitting at his seat and having his meals simply placed before him. No decisions which is easier for the old folks I guess.
I have also noticed that he has trouble holding a fork. I have made sure that I suggest a meal I know he would like but doesn't need to cut anything. He used to love going out for lunch and a BEER....just one though as he admits that he would get "tiddly" as he says.
As I am the only one he has, it takes its toll. There are others that could go but they do not, for reasons of their own. I am trying to give him some happiness and everyone at the Home beams when they see coming so I know that I am doing a good thing, not only for him but for the other Souls who call that place home.
One of his nurses came rushing over to me and burst into tears. She loves my Dad and has always called him Poppi.........she is Iranian and has developed a special bond with him. Funny but I had to settle her down and explain that his time on this plain is drawing to a close. We know it and you would think she would be able to handle it more but methinks he reminds her of her own father who passed away years ago. I held out my arms to her and she readily fell into them and held on tight. Makes me feel good knowing that he has people like that caring for him on a daily basis yet, someone should have called me to give me the heads up.
On the drive home, I had my arm on the window ledge and noticed my ring. The main stone in this particular ring is the one from my Mother's engagement ring. When she passed, I had the ring remade. Whenever I put it on it is as if a piece of my Mom is with me. However, today, I said "Hey, he'll be there soon".
And this I know to be true.
It is funny but the sadness I feel is more his as he has been resolute in stating that he will live to be 100. I see the fear that is creeping into his head and wish I could do more.
I will be spending more and more time in a state of meditation as I assist from the higher realms in the coming days.
May your day be full of love, laughter and joy.
As so it is..............
Namaste
I have to admit that I am a tad annoyed with the staff at his Care Home as nobody called to advise me that my Dad was in such awful shape. His breathing was REALLY laboured yet he had managed to wheel himself down to meet me, trying valiantly to pretend that he is o.k. I had brought coffees and some special cookies to share with him down on the patio next to the river.......he loves that. As soon as I saw him, however, I just put everything down and immediately got into Katrice mode.
The denseness in his chest and upper back was felt from a foot away. I explained to my Dad what I was going to do and he immediately relaxed. Great knowing that he trusts me to do my "woo woo" stuff on him. I have done the same thing in the past and he feels the energy as soon as it starts to flow. After a couple of minutes, his breathing settled into a more natural rythym and we shared our coffees.
Every 10 minutes or so I got up and worked on him for a couple of minutes and each time, he relaxed even more. Took him back to his room, got him settled and did one last sweep of his energy. I knew it was pneumonia and when I walked past the nurses station they proceeded to me tell me precisely THAT. The doctor had just been there, prescribing antibiotics and a "puffer". So with their medicine and MY medicine (healer woman that I AM), we will just have to wait and see.
At the end of the day he IS 92 years old and has been failing more and more the past six months or so. I have had to stop trying to take him out for lunch, which he used to LOVE, for a number of reasons. He gets very ornery when I try to help him out of his wheelchair and into the car and then out of the car and into the wheelchair. Looking at the menu is overwhelming now as he is used to just going down to the dining room, sitting at his seat and having his meals simply placed before him. No decisions which is easier for the old folks I guess.
I have also noticed that he has trouble holding a fork. I have made sure that I suggest a meal I know he would like but doesn't need to cut anything. He used to love going out for lunch and a BEER....just one though as he admits that he would get "tiddly" as he says.
As I am the only one he has, it takes its toll. There are others that could go but they do not, for reasons of their own. I am trying to give him some happiness and everyone at the Home beams when they see coming so I know that I am doing a good thing, not only for him but for the other Souls who call that place home.
One of his nurses came rushing over to me and burst into tears. She loves my Dad and has always called him Poppi.........she is Iranian and has developed a special bond with him. Funny but I had to settle her down and explain that his time on this plain is drawing to a close. We know it and you would think she would be able to handle it more but methinks he reminds her of her own father who passed away years ago. I held out my arms to her and she readily fell into them and held on tight. Makes me feel good knowing that he has people like that caring for him on a daily basis yet, someone should have called me to give me the heads up.
On the drive home, I had my arm on the window ledge and noticed my ring. The main stone in this particular ring is the one from my Mother's engagement ring. When she passed, I had the ring remade. Whenever I put it on it is as if a piece of my Mom is with me. However, today, I said "Hey, he'll be there soon".
And this I know to be true.
It is funny but the sadness I feel is more his as he has been resolute in stating that he will live to be 100. I see the fear that is creeping into his head and wish I could do more.
I will be spending more and more time in a state of meditation as I assist from the higher realms in the coming days.
May your day be full of love, laughter and joy.
As so it is..............
Namaste
Monday, August 20, 2012
Freeing up the energy
Here I am again.........4 days in a row. And, to make it even more exciting, for me at least, I found myself thinking about sitting down here and writing when I was on the stairmaster this morning at the gym. Good.......ME wanting to write. Wish me luck in that I would trying love to write daily again and hopefully THIS time, I will.
I am in wonder at my energy level today. Not that it is way up there but I am not dwelling on the negative aspects of the past couple of weeks. In fact, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. Being told that you are unwelcome in the home of another is quite an amazing discovery. But here is the kicker.........now that it is out in the open I can finally breathe easier as I had not felt welcome in their home for almost ever.
Do any of you dismiss your intuition when you are trying to make something work with another? I sure do. I think it is because I just imagine what it would be like if........fill in the blank....... but when day after day the feelings just don't jive with what you are being told, you start to think you are just imagining all the jibes, innuendo and blatant mental smacks thrown in for good measure.
My guy said to me that he was beginning to think that I actually liked being disrespected time and time again, crying at some slight and then going back for more. I asked how he could even think that I was enjoying what was happening. So, he says, stop!! I said I can't stop.......it's FAMILY. But you know what, he's right. Even if it is family, that gives no one the right to dismiss another's feelings on such a regular basis. I have to stop and like it or not, the family that I envisioned just isn't in the cards at the present time. Perhaps down the road but not now. So back to my energy level.
In the past, had something like this occurred I would have been inconsolable. Part of me is a tad concerned that any moment I might breakdown but a renewed strength and sense of confidence has risen up within me giving me the power to move beyond this current dilemma. I do worry about my son but unfortunately there is nothing I can do other than to send him love and good thoughts. Plus he is an adult and has to come to grips with the current situation in his own way.
Being one who works in the spiritual realm, I know that nothing happens by accident........we are all responsible for our individual realities. I brought this current situation into MY life as another potential method for growth. Of course, this is NOT what I had envisioned as part of my growth, but like it or not it appears to be here front and centre for me to look at and deal with in right time and order.
For the moment, I am going to relax knowing that I don't have to push or pull anymore. I can just be me and be good with that. I can't fix this situation by myself. It is a group effort and finally I can stop trying to do it all by myself.
Hmmm, so I have now opened up MORE free space to do with as I see fit. Feels good.
Wishing you a day full of love, laughter and joy.
Namaste
I am in wonder at my energy level today. Not that it is way up there but I am not dwelling on the negative aspects of the past couple of weeks. In fact, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. Being told that you are unwelcome in the home of another is quite an amazing discovery. But here is the kicker.........now that it is out in the open I can finally breathe easier as I had not felt welcome in their home for almost ever.
Do any of you dismiss your intuition when you are trying to make something work with another? I sure do. I think it is because I just imagine what it would be like if........fill in the blank....... but when day after day the feelings just don't jive with what you are being told, you start to think you are just imagining all the jibes, innuendo and blatant mental smacks thrown in for good measure.
My guy said to me that he was beginning to think that I actually liked being disrespected time and time again, crying at some slight and then going back for more. I asked how he could even think that I was enjoying what was happening. So, he says, stop!! I said I can't stop.......it's FAMILY. But you know what, he's right. Even if it is family, that gives no one the right to dismiss another's feelings on such a regular basis. I have to stop and like it or not, the family that I envisioned just isn't in the cards at the present time. Perhaps down the road but not now. So back to my energy level.
In the past, had something like this occurred I would have been inconsolable. Part of me is a tad concerned that any moment I might breakdown but a renewed strength and sense of confidence has risen up within me giving me the power to move beyond this current dilemma. I do worry about my son but unfortunately there is nothing I can do other than to send him love and good thoughts. Plus he is an adult and has to come to grips with the current situation in his own way.
Being one who works in the spiritual realm, I know that nothing happens by accident........we are all responsible for our individual realities. I brought this current situation into MY life as another potential method for growth. Of course, this is NOT what I had envisioned as part of my growth, but like it or not it appears to be here front and centre for me to look at and deal with in right time and order.
For the moment, I am going to relax knowing that I don't have to push or pull anymore. I can just be me and be good with that. I can't fix this situation by myself. It is a group effort and finally I can stop trying to do it all by myself.
Hmmm, so I have now opened up MORE free space to do with as I see fit. Feels good.
Wishing you a day full of love, laughter and joy.
Namaste
Sunday, August 19, 2012
A Loving Family
Within all that has been occuring for me my entire life, I have always maintained that I WILL have a warm caring and loving family, one where I feel loved and welcome, needed and appreciated. To me this is what signifies family, however, I am coming to the realization that if you did not grow up within that dynamic, it becomes so very much harder to manifest it in the here and now. And this is where I have had so much drama...........family.
Perhaps this is why I love to watch those nighttime drama shows depicting all sorts of families.......the ones that grow as a unit, always supportive through thick and then and the other ones.......those that show how much dysfunction can actually manifest in the quest for what we all desire.
My own birth family was rife with drama. I remember dreading family get togethers instead of looking forward to them with anticipation. There was always yelling and fighting - aunts, uncles, fathers, mothers and grandparents, while we kids try to pretend that we were still having a good time. I remember just blocking it all out but unfortunately, to this day, I still suffer stress and anxiety - those feelings that I stuffed as I played with my brother and cousins.
I attempted to have the family that I dreamed of when I married and had children but alas, that was not in the cards. My kids are in their 30's now but it was only a few years ago that my daughter finally explained her "anger" towards me for so many years. We are now close and share from the heart but still she said she held so much animosity towards me because, according to her, I broke up the family.
Some people say I should share with my kids why I had to get away from an atmosphere that was so hard on me but I never could as I did not want to taint their love for their father. Some parts of it I shared, others I did not. He was a great guy but he just could not be nice to me when in the presence of others. He thought it was funny to ridicule me constantly, make derogatory comments about my body - I could go on and on but, suffice to say, I had to get away from him to save myself and my children from growing up with a mother who didn't stand up for herself. I felt weak and worthless in that relationship and that is not how I wanted them to see me.
Of course my husband came from a harsh background so he too didn't understand what a loving family was either. He had a whole whack of siblings, who were close, and those sustained him I presume. Still his issues coupled with mine did not have the glue to sustain a loving and caring relationship. He claimed to love me but I didn't FEEL it.
Now with the challenges I have faced with my son, I am back to what IS a loving family? My son had maintained that when he had a family of his own, I would get MY happy, loving family but that hasn't manifested either. It fact, our relationship is so out of whack it amazes me. I hold myself responsible for really thinking I would find what I had been seeking. He has said that I am not his family - his wife and daughter are - but not me. When I tried to address this thinking on his part, he just gets mad and will not communicate or he will yell AT me, not talk TO me or WITH me.
Being able to get my thoughts out is so important to me. Without the words I would perish, surely... And now, that I am not being given the opportunity to communicate with my son, I will simply wish him well and send him loving thoughts. In the meantime, I will continue to write...and share Soul to Soul quietly in my own way. I know he will feel this love and that will sustain ME.
I used to write daily - poetry, a journal, columns that went out into cyberspace. I even ventured into erotica......that was fun.........smile. But for the past couple of years I have discontinued the practice. The Muse has been calling me gently of late and I am seeing the positive affects of getting these thoughts out on the page again and this is a good thing.
I thank you, whoever you are, for reading these thoughts of mine. It means a lot to me knowing that others are connected, if only through your reading of these words. We are all connected anyway....sometimes we just never meet in the flesh. So Soul to Soul it will be.
Namaste.
Perhaps this is why I love to watch those nighttime drama shows depicting all sorts of families.......the ones that grow as a unit, always supportive through thick and then and the other ones.......those that show how much dysfunction can actually manifest in the quest for what we all desire.
My own birth family was rife with drama. I remember dreading family get togethers instead of looking forward to them with anticipation. There was always yelling and fighting - aunts, uncles, fathers, mothers and grandparents, while we kids try to pretend that we were still having a good time. I remember just blocking it all out but unfortunately, to this day, I still suffer stress and anxiety - those feelings that I stuffed as I played with my brother and cousins.
I attempted to have the family that I dreamed of when I married and had children but alas, that was not in the cards. My kids are in their 30's now but it was only a few years ago that my daughter finally explained her "anger" towards me for so many years. We are now close and share from the heart but still she said she held so much animosity towards me because, according to her, I broke up the family.
Some people say I should share with my kids why I had to get away from an atmosphere that was so hard on me but I never could as I did not want to taint their love for their father. Some parts of it I shared, others I did not. He was a great guy but he just could not be nice to me when in the presence of others. He thought it was funny to ridicule me constantly, make derogatory comments about my body - I could go on and on but, suffice to say, I had to get away from him to save myself and my children from growing up with a mother who didn't stand up for herself. I felt weak and worthless in that relationship and that is not how I wanted them to see me.
Of course my husband came from a harsh background so he too didn't understand what a loving family was either. He had a whole whack of siblings, who were close, and those sustained him I presume. Still his issues coupled with mine did not have the glue to sustain a loving and caring relationship. He claimed to love me but I didn't FEEL it.
Now with the challenges I have faced with my son, I am back to what IS a loving family? My son had maintained that when he had a family of his own, I would get MY happy, loving family but that hasn't manifested either. It fact, our relationship is so out of whack it amazes me. I hold myself responsible for really thinking I would find what I had been seeking. He has said that I am not his family - his wife and daughter are - but not me. When I tried to address this thinking on his part, he just gets mad and will not communicate or he will yell AT me, not talk TO me or WITH me.
Being able to get my thoughts out is so important to me. Without the words I would perish, surely... And now, that I am not being given the opportunity to communicate with my son, I will simply wish him well and send him loving thoughts. In the meantime, I will continue to write...and share Soul to Soul quietly in my own way. I know he will feel this love and that will sustain ME.
I used to write daily - poetry, a journal, columns that went out into cyberspace. I even ventured into erotica......that was fun.........smile. But for the past couple of years I have discontinued the practice. The Muse has been calling me gently of late and I am seeing the positive affects of getting these thoughts out on the page again and this is a good thing.
I thank you, whoever you are, for reading these thoughts of mine. It means a lot to me knowing that others are connected, if only through your reading of these words. We are all connected anyway....sometimes we just never meet in the flesh. So Soul to Soul it will be.
Namaste.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Just the thoughts in my head.....
It's been a busy couple of weeks here on the West Coast. Gorgeous bright sunny days and beautiful starry nights with a soft breeze............ahhhhhhhhh, I love Summer.............with music everywhere, fireworks, marathons, beach and more beach...........Wish it lasted permanently like the tropics but you do learn to appreciate the other seasons after a while. But not winter so much for this lady.....blech...
Haven't written much of late as I have been attempting to figure out what the next step is for me on a number of different fronts. With Summer drawing to a close I get antsy as September has always seemed like the beginning of the year and so many parts of my life are out of sync with what I would wish for myself at this time. And therein lies the problem....what exactly IS in sync for me.
Been going over the many times in the past when I have been in this same position. The realization is here that things are going to change however I am unsure as to what this change will encompass. I also know that the change has to take place within me and until that time, nothing outside of me is going to be enough. My guy keeps saying "F**k it"...let it go. He deals with life in a completely different way than I do so, while I value his input, he doesn't seem to get it that my way is MY way and while I feel like just letting it go, I am prone to hold on to things as I attempt to figure them out. And I cry.....my general choice when releasing. Doesn't jive with a rough and tough old school guy though so my ability to just let go and be me is somewhat curtailed.
And the trying to figure out everything is driving me nuts. How can we truly know what is going with another when they will not communicate. You hear words but there is no substance behind them. I wish to engage others in a dialogue when there are issues standing in the way of a warm companionable relationship however, when others choose to distance themselves and yell whenever questions are asked, how can a sensitive Soul such as I come to terms with all the discordance.
I like getting answers to questions especially when they pertain to my well being. When I am sad, I look at what is causing me to feel that way and generally manage to move beyond the original feeling. When I put my finger on what is causing me stress or worry or anger, then and only then, am I able to move through it - hopefully with resolution in the process. My present state of mind has been caused by not being able to communicate or have others communicate with me in a heart based space.
My mind is going into overdrive as I search in my memory banks for what the original point of contention really is and I know that it goes WAY WAY back but this individual keeps saying that nothing is wrong but when the entire basis of my relationship with this person has changed drastically from a few short years ago, I know that something is definitely wrong. BUT WHAT?
Have you even been with someone who is obviously pissed at something and keeps saying that nothing is wrong? Their demeanour around you is hostile. They keep at a distance. A hug feels more like an attempt at closeness with no actual hugging occuring but bodies lightly touching. It just feels all off yet they insist that nothing is wrong.
I know that when someone or something bothers me I have to share it or else I burst which is why you, dear readers, get to experience my working through my own personal dilemmas on the page. My challenge at this time is to deal with this discordance on my own as the "others" just do not seem to be able to or perhaps not willing to go to the heart of the matter.
Someone posted something the other day on FB saying as follows:
"Sometimes its better to be silent than to tell others what you feel. Because, it will only hurt you when you know that they can hear you but they can not understand you."
And this is what is occuring with me right now. I am not allowed to share my personal feelings with these people as they have made it clear that what is happening with me isn't any concern of theirs even though it is because of their actions, or inactions, that I feel as I do. Why can't they get it but as I write that, I feel that perhaps they do get it and still continue to hurt me by their inaction. No consideration for my position at all.
Anyway, I did share something that had been festering within me for years the other day and WOW, did that get their attention. Of course, now they say they will NOT be calling me for quite some time and actually, while I had so very much wanted to move beyond all the hurt, it appears that this will have to be done on my own as they most definitely do not wish to participate in the healing.
I know that this is a strength building exercise for me. I welcome the lessons even though at times I wish I could just curl up in a ball and wish it all away. Unfortunately this is not a fairy tale that I live in and I have to gain clarity on my own as I move through one transition after another.
I think it is now time to go soak up some sun and bathe in the light that shines down upon us all....Thanks for listening.
Namaste.
Haven't written much of late as I have been attempting to figure out what the next step is for me on a number of different fronts. With Summer drawing to a close I get antsy as September has always seemed like the beginning of the year and so many parts of my life are out of sync with what I would wish for myself at this time. And therein lies the problem....what exactly IS in sync for me.
Been going over the many times in the past when I have been in this same position. The realization is here that things are going to change however I am unsure as to what this change will encompass. I also know that the change has to take place within me and until that time, nothing outside of me is going to be enough. My guy keeps saying "F**k it"...let it go. He deals with life in a completely different way than I do so, while I value his input, he doesn't seem to get it that my way is MY way and while I feel like just letting it go, I am prone to hold on to things as I attempt to figure them out. And I cry.....my general choice when releasing. Doesn't jive with a rough and tough old school guy though so my ability to just let go and be me is somewhat curtailed.
And the trying to figure out everything is driving me nuts. How can we truly know what is going with another when they will not communicate. You hear words but there is no substance behind them. I wish to engage others in a dialogue when there are issues standing in the way of a warm companionable relationship however, when others choose to distance themselves and yell whenever questions are asked, how can a sensitive Soul such as I come to terms with all the discordance.
I like getting answers to questions especially when they pertain to my well being. When I am sad, I look at what is causing me to feel that way and generally manage to move beyond the original feeling. When I put my finger on what is causing me stress or worry or anger, then and only then, am I able to move through it - hopefully with resolution in the process. My present state of mind has been caused by not being able to communicate or have others communicate with me in a heart based space.
My mind is going into overdrive as I search in my memory banks for what the original point of contention really is and I know that it goes WAY WAY back but this individual keeps saying that nothing is wrong but when the entire basis of my relationship with this person has changed drastically from a few short years ago, I know that something is definitely wrong. BUT WHAT?
Have you even been with someone who is obviously pissed at something and keeps saying that nothing is wrong? Their demeanour around you is hostile. They keep at a distance. A hug feels more like an attempt at closeness with no actual hugging occuring but bodies lightly touching. It just feels all off yet they insist that nothing is wrong.
I know that when someone or something bothers me I have to share it or else I burst which is why you, dear readers, get to experience my working through my own personal dilemmas on the page. My challenge at this time is to deal with this discordance on my own as the "others" just do not seem to be able to or perhaps not willing to go to the heart of the matter.
Someone posted something the other day on FB saying as follows:
"Sometimes its better to be silent than to tell others what you feel. Because, it will only hurt you when you know that they can hear you but they can not understand you."
And this is what is occuring with me right now. I am not allowed to share my personal feelings with these people as they have made it clear that what is happening with me isn't any concern of theirs even though it is because of their actions, or inactions, that I feel as I do. Why can't they get it but as I write that, I feel that perhaps they do get it and still continue to hurt me by their inaction. No consideration for my position at all.
Anyway, I did share something that had been festering within me for years the other day and WOW, did that get their attention. Of course, now they say they will NOT be calling me for quite some time and actually, while I had so very much wanted to move beyond all the hurt, it appears that this will have to be done on my own as they most definitely do not wish to participate in the healing.
I know that this is a strength building exercise for me. I welcome the lessons even though at times I wish I could just curl up in a ball and wish it all away. Unfortunately this is not a fairy tale that I live in and I have to gain clarity on my own as I move through one transition after another.
I think it is now time to go soak up some sun and bathe in the light that shines down upon us all....Thanks for listening.
Namaste.
Love is all there is
Note to Self: When publishing a post, make sure that you save it prior to previewing it.......Had written a long discourse of complete and total inspiration, at least to me.....grin and then POOF, gone. Hmmmm.
It has taken me a week before I have positioned myself back down here to come up with some other inspirational thoughts. Where to begin...
Just had a conversation with a friend of mine and she said to me "Katrice...do you realize that in all the years we have known each other, you have always had a hard time saying that you love me?" I thought about it for a while and then realized that I have a hard time saying I LOVE YOU to anyone these days.
I think it has something to do with having been told that I am loved only to witness, by actions, a completely different sensation coming at me. Now I am not talking about physical action but a physical sensation that courses through my body. I am a highly sensitive Soul.........YEAH for me......NOT!! and I am very aware of the energies of those around me. I can read them which of course makes me a very good intuitive reader in case anyone is in the mood for some intuitive inspiration of a different sort, but I digress.
What I am getting at here is that I can feel what someone is really feeling even though the words out of their mouths are not in sync. It has been hard due to the fact that I want to be loved and therefore, I tend to take what I get, even when I know it is not real.
There have been many times in my life when I have found myself in a group of people and felt that I didn't belong in that particular group or circle. I was accepted by the others in the group but the most important aspect of the whole experience was missing...........MY acceptance of myself.
The most recent instance of this type of confusion has led to my not being welcome in the home of someone who is, or has been, very close to me. Now, while it is hurtful, the odd thing that is occurring is that I am feeling lighter, almost floating instead of sinking into a puddle of tears. And the reason for this is that I have not felt welcome in these people's home for years. I have gone - well because I had always gone there - but I had felt like it was feeling more and more like work than something that gave me joy.
Each time I would think of calling, I hesitated because a) they very rarely answer their phone (at least when I call) and b) sometimes would take more than a week to return my call. I had mentioned it to them that this was very hurtful and they would just say - well that's your problem, we are not attached to the phone. Very hurtful and then when I would go over to their home (again, they never come here as my partner smokes) they would never offer me so much as a glass of water or a coffee. Very awkward for me. It had not always been the case as one of these people has married my original acquaintance so having my old acquaintance acting like this has been so very confusing. Anyway, getting back to the floating aspect of it all.
I feel like I am repositioning myself in MY life now. So many of these relationships that had left me feeling "out of sync" are now not IN my life. It had felt like a loss was occuring and while this may be true (the loss of companionship and laughter for example with these Souls), in the end I am feeling like I have taken a big part of me back.
The part that loves love and friendship. The part of me that craves relationships as I love to explore the minds and souls of those close to me and have them help to excavate those deeper parts of me that have yet to rise to the surface.
I can now acknowledge that it is those deeper parts of me that are coming to my rescue. It is my Soul that has held me in her embrace all these years,sharing my love with me. I CAN love me. Others can also love but it is not the be all and end all that they ALL love me. It is time to stop seeking love from those in my sphere and just shine the love that I AM out there and see what comes back to me.
Can you feel it?
Blessings abound
It has taken me a week before I have positioned myself back down here to come up with some other inspirational thoughts. Where to begin...
Just had a conversation with a friend of mine and she said to me "Katrice...do you realize that in all the years we have known each other, you have always had a hard time saying that you love me?" I thought about it for a while and then realized that I have a hard time saying I LOVE YOU to anyone these days.
I think it has something to do with having been told that I am loved only to witness, by actions, a completely different sensation coming at me. Now I am not talking about physical action but a physical sensation that courses through my body. I am a highly sensitive Soul.........YEAH for me......NOT!! and I am very aware of the energies of those around me. I can read them which of course makes me a very good intuitive reader in case anyone is in the mood for some intuitive inspiration of a different sort, but I digress.
What I am getting at here is that I can feel what someone is really feeling even though the words out of their mouths are not in sync. It has been hard due to the fact that I want to be loved and therefore, I tend to take what I get, even when I know it is not real.
There have been many times in my life when I have found myself in a group of people and felt that I didn't belong in that particular group or circle. I was accepted by the others in the group but the most important aspect of the whole experience was missing...........MY acceptance of myself.
The most recent instance of this type of confusion has led to my not being welcome in the home of someone who is, or has been, very close to me. Now, while it is hurtful, the odd thing that is occurring is that I am feeling lighter, almost floating instead of sinking into a puddle of tears. And the reason for this is that I have not felt welcome in these people's home for years. I have gone - well because I had always gone there - but I had felt like it was feeling more and more like work than something that gave me joy.
Each time I would think of calling, I hesitated because a) they very rarely answer their phone (at least when I call) and b) sometimes would take more than a week to return my call. I had mentioned it to them that this was very hurtful and they would just say - well that's your problem, we are not attached to the phone. Very hurtful and then when I would go over to their home (again, they never come here as my partner smokes) they would never offer me so much as a glass of water or a coffee. Very awkward for me. It had not always been the case as one of these people has married my original acquaintance so having my old acquaintance acting like this has been so very confusing. Anyway, getting back to the floating aspect of it all.
I feel like I am repositioning myself in MY life now. So many of these relationships that had left me feeling "out of sync" are now not IN my life. It had felt like a loss was occuring and while this may be true (the loss of companionship and laughter for example with these Souls), in the end I am feeling like I have taken a big part of me back.
The part that loves love and friendship. The part of me that craves relationships as I love to explore the minds and souls of those close to me and have them help to excavate those deeper parts of me that have yet to rise to the surface.
I can now acknowledge that it is those deeper parts of me that are coming to my rescue. It is my Soul that has held me in her embrace all these years,sharing my love with me. I CAN love me. Others can also love but it is not the be all and end all that they ALL love me. It is time to stop seeking love from those in my sphere and just shine the love that I AM out there and see what comes back to me.
Can you feel it?
Blessings abound
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