Accepting what we can not change

A woman at the gym repeated that 12 step mantra to me the other day...

Accept the things you can not change
Change the things you can
Have the wisdom to know the difference..........

Methinks that wisdom stuck its head in the sand as I have been TRYING desperately to change things in my life the past few years and I think, THINK I say, that I finally get it.

All the family drama, that is really been there my entire life, will not change just because I want it to.  There are others involved in the mix and if they have chosen to relate, or NOT relate to me, there is nothing I can do about it.  I have tried repeatedly to get both my son and my brother to talk but they do not.  What am I to do with that?

Accept it!  Stop believing that I am inherently bad or something because people in my family choose to step away from me.  I still don't really get it though because I am constantly being told what an amazing, loving, compassionate person I am.  This is from people who only see me once in a while or meet me on the street.  I fnd too that, since I am a healer/intuitive, people have a very hard time accepting the fact that I am not completely all together and when I need assistance, or just a ear to hear, they step back.  Am I too needy?
That's an interesting thought.  Is it that I need others and that is why I have a need to be needed? 

Again, asking those questions.........always asking questions when what I really want is for others to give me answers to those same questions.  Perhaps it is time to stop asking and get on with my life, letting others get on with their life.  But that brings me back to the fact that it is FAMILY that I am so obsessed with these days.  How can I just let them go?  How do others let them go? 

I know that a lot of people just say "F**K IT" and walk away but I can't do that.  Energetically it sits there percolating constantly and my mind just keeps going there asking that same old "WHY".  How has it come to this?

I have a woman who I have gone to over the years for spiritual guidance and for the first time in years, I feel the need to sit down with her and get her unique perspective on the whole situation because nothing else seems to be working.

I do feel a bit better today and will be going over to check on Dad.  His Nurse said that he is still having difficulty breathing and they are using oxygen, which he HATES.  But, as they say, he is being compliant with his medications and the oxygen but it is so hard seeing him like that.  Whiney little me wishes someone else would be there for him because as I have said, it is taking a big toll on me. 

My partner is now in his 70's and while he feels for me, he has a very hard time going over to see my Dad as it makes him look at his own mortality and that is not something he likes to do.  He is a very VERY fit, young looking man - in fact when I first met him I truly believed that he might even be younger than me so to find out that he is 13 years older than me was a shock.  When he gets uncomfortable with his age, he too gets antsy so I let him stay at home when I go over.

And of course, I too look at my own aging process and wonder how I will be at 92, or even if I will still be here then.  I sometimes wonder if, when my Dad does indeed pass over, will I change.  My life as his daughter has been filled with anger directed at me yet still over I go to give him what I can.  I do remember that for a period of time (3 or 4 years) we did not see each other.  I still sent letters as I am a communicator and had to keep him abreast of what was happening in my life and that of his grandchildren.  When we did finally get together, due to a health crisis, I was astounded to find all the letters that I had written over the course of that time sitting next to his chair.  Turns out that he read and re read them over and over. 

I feel the love coming from him now but so wish I could have felt it over the years as I was growing up and raising my family.  But then again, as I started off with this discourse, we can only change what we can and lamenting all those lost years is a waste of time and energy.  Just like it is definitely a waste of energy now for me to be sitting in this muck, affecting my entire physical health.

So, wish me luck.  Over to see Dad as I try to come to grips with the ending of life as we both know it.  

I know I will be o.k. but getting past this state of affairs is going to be an interesting journey through this part of my life.

May you all be blessed with love and light and laughter.

Namaste.