Shifting energies

Wow, was I ever feeling sorry for myself yesterday.  Still feeling slightly "off" but am moving through it.

The weather has shifted the past couple of days as well, with the onset of Autumn making its presence felt.  I have been cold too which sucks.  Don't know whether to attribute that to the cooling temperatures or my emotional temperature.   Perhaps a bit of both.

Went to the gym today but took it easy.  There is fear within me now wondering what the ramifications are of having high blood pressure - at least for me.  I know a large number of the population has high blood pressure.  In fact the doctor at the clinic said it is not "uncommon" for this to happen to people over 50.  But hey, I am not satisfied with that comment - like deal with it, it is a fact of life.  I do not choose to believe this to be SO.  That being said, what to do about it.  I eat well, exercise - but as I write this I realize that there are a lot of areas within my life that are not in balance. 

The problems with an aging father weigh heavy on my mind.  I have a brother but he has not come to see our father in over 15 years.  I finally stopped trying to get him to visit but I know that that bothers me as I am always fielding questions about my brother from our father.  I don't want to upset him but like it or not, said brother does not speak with me either.  He moved to California and has not come back.  I remember thinking that he moved so that he wouldn't have to deal with us.  That hurt but we had not been close when growing up.  I understand the desire to get away from family at times but doesn't he EVER want to see or speak with us again. 

It really bothers me that my son - my father's grandson - never visits his grandfather even though he lives in a care home about 5 minutes from my son's home.  I kept asking him to visit his grandfather or pick him up and take him for a drive or to see his great granddaughter but he hasn't done it in over a year.  How can family treat each other with such little regard?

When I think of my family history, I can see that I have spent a lot of time trying to make things right, but to no avail.  What can this lesson be?

I know I shouldn't do this but I wonder "did I do something wrong?"  I can think of situations that have happened over the course of my life where one may get angry with another but once the situation has been delved into, life resumes.

For instance, why has my brother chosen to leave his birth family.  He never had children himself and never calls or emails.  His wife will send a Christmas card with a stock letter to everyone but other than that, nada.  I do send him emails and leave message but again...nada.  His relationship with our father was awful, as was mine, but I came back and am there for him even though some think I should just leave him be.  I am not the type of person who can do that.  I was going to say "he needs me" and as that thought entered my mind, I realized that I NEED to be needed.  And that could be part of the problem.

When I am not needed I feel useless and, I have to admit, anxious.  Lately I have been feeling the need of others but I realize that everyone has their own life to live and, like or not, I am obviously not a part of their lives.  People have drifted away and I have not pursued relationships to fill in the void like I had in the past.  While a part of me desires human interactions, there is another part of me that wants to be on my own.....and THAT is certainly the me I used to be.

Will be seeing my new family doctor on Monday.  Obviously will be dealing with the blood pressure issue and perhaps see if she can suggest someone for me to discuss my current issues with family and my well being in general.

But now I think I'll head out into the day.  The sun is shining, there is a light breeze blowing and the beach calls me.

Namaste