What an amazing Full Moon it was last night. It was still beautiful at 6:30 this morning.
While I have generally hosted Full Moon Meditation Circles, this past couple of months it has not been happening. I have however blended with it in my own way and feel blessed to bask in all its glory.
As I am living in a friend's home for the next little while, it is not appropriate that I take over her space as she does not generally live in the world of spirit, at least not in the way that I do. I did put it out to my contacts that I am once more available to facilitate these circles at the homes of others and am hopeful that my participants rise to the occasion as I am very much missing the sacred energy that arises within these circles.
I had a wonderful one on one meditation this afternoon with a young woman who put out the call for a special session with me. So amazing to be with someone and simply guide the flow of it all through Spirit, specifically tailored to her needs in the moment. As she has not meditated before, it was a rather special time for her too. Am going back in two weeks to do another one and then have her get on the massage table for an energy session to anchor in all that comes through during her meditation. Should be an even more powerful afternoon. I LOVE the work that I do.
I have also traditionally facilitated my readings and healing sessions out of my own sacred space but as that is not an option for the short term, I have put it out there that I am willing to travel to clients. Haven't offered this service for years so should be interesting to see how that all evolves.
I am trusting that Spirit will wave its magic wand and send to me the Souls that are ready for their next step up the evolutionary scale. I know that I am ready for whatever comes.
It has been such an eye opener for me to find myself in this current situation at this time in my life but, for some odd reason, I seem to be relaxing into it all instead of panicking. Coming into a place of divine trust is so gratifying after all the confusion over the past few years.
I had felt exhausted at "trying" to make it all work out and therein lay the problem. When we are constantly "trying" to make something happen, instead of "allowing" for the natural flow of it all to occur, we only get in our way. I knew that, of course, but still I fought my own inner knowing.
I had thought I should get into the "regular" world with a "job" and all that THAT entailed and, as you must have figured out by now, it surely did not fit with my regular modus operandi. Funny too that I was not doing this for me perse, but for others.....those who I thought would be more comfortable with me doing what everyone else was doing. It's not me! So happy, in hindsight, that it all went WHOOSH so that I could regroup and get back into the flow of me.
So here I AM. Thanks for following along. I hope that my angst has inspired others to take a good look at how their lives are unfolding.
Are you in a place of trust? Is your flow going in the direction you are intending? Are you ready to trust Spirit to guide you on your Path?
I send you blessings on your journey. Let me know how you are doing and if you need a little energetic push, just ask. I'm here...
Namaste
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
And the clouds parted.....
Well, well, well...........seems that more people are taking a peek at my little spot in the blogosphere...cool and welcome.
Had a rather trying day the other day and then had a houseguest for a couple more and POOF, no postings from me until now. And to be perfectly honest, I don't really know what is going to show up now as I sit typing away but we will just have to see what comes out.
Did have a lovely little visit from my friend from North Carolina. We had met when we were both living on Kauai and was wonderful to show her some of the sights of B.C. Went up to Whistler yesterday and had forgotten just how spectacular the drive up there is. The part that got my attention the most this time was the rock faces of the mountains and cliffs. I am one of those people who can see faces in the mountains and hills so, since I was driving, it was a tad scary at times as those faces were all calling to me to look....look at me.......grin. Thankfully there was not much traffic on the highway and I was able to slow down and gaze at them all. Beautiful and oh so powerful.
As my friend likes to say, we are both pretty powerful little "witches"....the good kind of course. She is a teacher of various massage techniques and the reason for her being on the West Coast was to facilitate an Advanced Lomilomi training. As we were driving up the coast, she mentioned that whenever she completes the facilitation of a training the rains usually come shortly thereafter. This came up after I mentioned that the sun had started to hide behind clouds and before you know it, the rains opened up just as we pulled into the parking lot at the Village. And not just a shower...it was raining so hard that we decided to duck into a restaurant for lunch with the hopes that it would only spit and then cease. No such luck. It just poured and we found ourselves laughing uproariously as we realized that there was no way we were going to be "strolling aimlessly" through the gorgeous village that is Whistler. As yes, ain't power grand..........NOT!
She did get to wander in some of the stores that were under cover, buying presents for her grandkids and then we headed back to the city. And wouldn't you know it, as soon as we got back to the car, the sun came back out and we were able to stop here and there on the trip back to take gorgeous pictures of the mountains and rivers and the sky. A great day all around.
I did get up at 5:00 a.m. this morning however to get her to the airport for her trip back to her side of the continent. She will be back next year but methinks I will take a jaunt out to her place which is on a lake in her neighbourhood. Looking forward to it. We also chatted about going for an extended trip to Europe as we would travel well together. Good to have dreams and goals for the future.
It has been a while since I have thought of the future, especially these past few years that I have been in somewhat of a rut on a number of different levels. There has been fear as to where I was going and, more importantly, where I was going to end up. Of course, here I sit in limbo...safe mind you, but still, I do have to seriously consider the next step with respect to housing and my work.
And further to my reporting in my last post mentioning that I had an opportunity to host an on air web show...I have bitten the bullet and am happy to report that I AM going to have my own on air presence starting on Tuesday, October 9th from 1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m. (PST) and every second Tuesday from there on. The website is www.newsforthesoul.com so check it out and if you are around, you can listen in for FREE and if the urge strikes, give me a call. We will be chatting about healing and intuition and accessing those parts of all of us. I'm sure once I get going, I will also be doing on air mini intuitive readings so check us out. I'm excited and I hope you all enjoy it. All shows are archived so even if you aren't able to listen in live, you can always access it at any time your little heart desires.
And on another note, I reconnected with an old friend who saw one of my postings on Facebook to a mutual friend and we had coffee for the first time in a couple of years. Was a wonderful reconnection as we sat and talked for an hour, as if no time had passed at all. He is going through some health issues and we had a lot to catch up on so it sure was nice to see his smiling face and give hugs to one another. I had appointments to get to but hopefully we will have more chances to spend time together and share. We both left with a smile on our respective faces.
The sun has just broken through again to remind me of all the light available if we just open our eyes to SEE.
Blessings to you all.
Namaste
Had a rather trying day the other day and then had a houseguest for a couple more and POOF, no postings from me until now. And to be perfectly honest, I don't really know what is going to show up now as I sit typing away but we will just have to see what comes out.
Did have a lovely little visit from my friend from North Carolina. We had met when we were both living on Kauai and was wonderful to show her some of the sights of B.C. Went up to Whistler yesterday and had forgotten just how spectacular the drive up there is. The part that got my attention the most this time was the rock faces of the mountains and cliffs. I am one of those people who can see faces in the mountains and hills so, since I was driving, it was a tad scary at times as those faces were all calling to me to look....look at me.......grin. Thankfully there was not much traffic on the highway and I was able to slow down and gaze at them all. Beautiful and oh so powerful.
As my friend likes to say, we are both pretty powerful little "witches"....the good kind of course. She is a teacher of various massage techniques and the reason for her being on the West Coast was to facilitate an Advanced Lomilomi training. As we were driving up the coast, she mentioned that whenever she completes the facilitation of a training the rains usually come shortly thereafter. This came up after I mentioned that the sun had started to hide behind clouds and before you know it, the rains opened up just as we pulled into the parking lot at the Village. And not just a shower...it was raining so hard that we decided to duck into a restaurant for lunch with the hopes that it would only spit and then cease. No such luck. It just poured and we found ourselves laughing uproariously as we realized that there was no way we were going to be "strolling aimlessly" through the gorgeous village that is Whistler. As yes, ain't power grand..........NOT!
She did get to wander in some of the stores that were under cover, buying presents for her grandkids and then we headed back to the city. And wouldn't you know it, as soon as we got back to the car, the sun came back out and we were able to stop here and there on the trip back to take gorgeous pictures of the mountains and rivers and the sky. A great day all around.
I did get up at 5:00 a.m. this morning however to get her to the airport for her trip back to her side of the continent. She will be back next year but methinks I will take a jaunt out to her place which is on a lake in her neighbourhood. Looking forward to it. We also chatted about going for an extended trip to Europe as we would travel well together. Good to have dreams and goals for the future.
It has been a while since I have thought of the future, especially these past few years that I have been in somewhat of a rut on a number of different levels. There has been fear as to where I was going and, more importantly, where I was going to end up. Of course, here I sit in limbo...safe mind you, but still, I do have to seriously consider the next step with respect to housing and my work.
And further to my reporting in my last post mentioning that I had an opportunity to host an on air web show...I have bitten the bullet and am happy to report that I AM going to have my own on air presence starting on Tuesday, October 9th from 1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m. (PST) and every second Tuesday from there on. The website is www.newsforthesoul.com so check it out and if you are around, you can listen in for FREE and if the urge strikes, give me a call. We will be chatting about healing and intuition and accessing those parts of all of us. I'm sure once I get going, I will also be doing on air mini intuitive readings so check us out. I'm excited and I hope you all enjoy it. All shows are archived so even if you aren't able to listen in live, you can always access it at any time your little heart desires.
And on another note, I reconnected with an old friend who saw one of my postings on Facebook to a mutual friend and we had coffee for the first time in a couple of years. Was a wonderful reconnection as we sat and talked for an hour, as if no time had passed at all. He is going through some health issues and we had a lot to catch up on so it sure was nice to see his smiling face and give hugs to one another. I had appointments to get to but hopefully we will have more chances to spend time together and share. We both left with a smile on our respective faces.
The sun has just broken through again to remind me of all the light available if we just open our eyes to SEE.
Blessings to you all.
Namaste
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Earth Angels
So I allowed myself to do a reading for a new client yesterday. I say allow as I had been hesitant to do any of my spiritual work at present due to my current state. However, it was a wonderful session and again, I realized where my gifts lie.
After almost a month of frustration, I did manage to get back into my website and delete a couple of thousand SPAM messages. What a time waster that is. There was however an interesting email from the woman who runs an online radio show called "News for the Soul" inviting me to start a regular show with me and my intuitive gifts. And that is something that is most definitely a step in the right direction. The show is in its 15th year and has a HUGE following so looking at my options and thinking about it. I still need to speak directly to her to get all the logistics involved but there is some excitement within me at really starting down that path.
A few years ago, I did a guest spot on a CO-OP radio show here in Vancouver which was well received but I didn't really persue it. This time though it is an established show with a following which would really help me to get out there again doing what I do best.
And of course, Spirit sent me this opportunity at the perfect time as a couple of other things I was in the midst of persuing today went sideways.
When I did my reading yesterday it was at a building which houses retired entertainment industry types...think actors, singers, set designers, writers....who, as most of us know, do not exactly have stellar retirement incomes as working in the industry, unless you are famous, is not well paying. Plus the movie industry here in Vancouver has slowed down considerably the past few years. Anyway, while my work is not exactly classified as entertainment, even though I have been the "entertainment" through "psychic readings" at a number of different events, I thought it is the healing "arts" so I called to see what the procedure is to get on a wait list. Well, as the space is subsidized there is a substantial wait list with an average wait time of 7 years. There are currently over 200 people on said list so obviously this is not a viable option for me at this time. So, tried, but no luck there.
Plus my Doctor had decided that, with all that has been occuring in my life the past few months, I should be eligible for some sort of medical payment until my life settles down but again, as I already had an open file which expired at the beginning of this month, this is not an option. They did suggest that I could get "social assistance" but there is no way I would partake of that so the radio is the best option out there at the moment to get more income and build up my practice once more.
And of course I do have a bit of money from my father's estate which will keep me going for a while so at the end of the day I guess I really am doing o.k. financially.
Now I think the best thing for me to do is figure out where I would like to be living. I definitely want to be by the water so am putting it out there for a perfect spot either near water or with a view of water, at the perfect price and situation for me.
And that is where I sit at this point in time. Slowly getting it together and figuring out what is next. I am open to suggestions if any of you out in cyberspace have any ideas........smile
I wish you all a wonderful day full of peaceful thoughts and love in your heart.
Namaste.
After almost a month of frustration, I did manage to get back into my website and delete a couple of thousand SPAM messages. What a time waster that is. There was however an interesting email from the woman who runs an online radio show called "News for the Soul" inviting me to start a regular show with me and my intuitive gifts. And that is something that is most definitely a step in the right direction. The show is in its 15th year and has a HUGE following so looking at my options and thinking about it. I still need to speak directly to her to get all the logistics involved but there is some excitement within me at really starting down that path.
A few years ago, I did a guest spot on a CO-OP radio show here in Vancouver which was well received but I didn't really persue it. This time though it is an established show with a following which would really help me to get out there again doing what I do best.
And of course, Spirit sent me this opportunity at the perfect time as a couple of other things I was in the midst of persuing today went sideways.
When I did my reading yesterday it was at a building which houses retired entertainment industry types...think actors, singers, set designers, writers....who, as most of us know, do not exactly have stellar retirement incomes as working in the industry, unless you are famous, is not well paying. Plus the movie industry here in Vancouver has slowed down considerably the past few years. Anyway, while my work is not exactly classified as entertainment, even though I have been the "entertainment" through "psychic readings" at a number of different events, I thought it is the healing "arts" so I called to see what the procedure is to get on a wait list. Well, as the space is subsidized there is a substantial wait list with an average wait time of 7 years. There are currently over 200 people on said list so obviously this is not a viable option for me at this time. So, tried, but no luck there.
Plus my Doctor had decided that, with all that has been occuring in my life the past few months, I should be eligible for some sort of medical payment until my life settles down but again, as I already had an open file which expired at the beginning of this month, this is not an option. They did suggest that I could get "social assistance" but there is no way I would partake of that so the radio is the best option out there at the moment to get more income and build up my practice once more.
And of course I do have a bit of money from my father's estate which will keep me going for a while so at the end of the day I guess I really am doing o.k. financially.
Now I think the best thing for me to do is figure out where I would like to be living. I definitely want to be by the water so am putting it out there for a perfect spot either near water or with a view of water, at the perfect price and situation for me.
And that is where I sit at this point in time. Slowly getting it together and figuring out what is next. I am open to suggestions if any of you out in cyberspace have any ideas........smile
I wish you all a wonderful day full of peaceful thoughts and love in your heart.
Namaste.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Assisting our Selves
I realize that I do much better with some sort of a schedule. Gives me focus which I sorely need at this time.
For years I simply let my days flow and while it worked for many years, there came a time when I found that instead of flowing, I was flailing, constantly worrying about what was coming next. I thought if I got a "job" that would make me feel better and it did, for a time. Of course I found a job in a very stressful industry. Couple that with a group of people who were definitely NOT heart centered and BANG...I was back to square one. Was forced to leave that position and take a step back.
Started to focus once again on my "spiritual" work. Unfortunately I ended up with clients who drained me, forcing me to realize that THAT wasn't going to work either. So now what I thought...
What has come out of all of this is the realization that the work I am meant to be doing at this time in my life is the work of ME. Getting clear and healing from years of abuse, starting from a very young age. Not an easy place to find oneself at the ripe old age of 60.........well I guess I shouldn't say OLD as I do not feel old, just a tad shell shocked at my current situation.
And I am working on me using a number of different modalities, the most important one being my writing. There certainly is something to be said for being able to share with oneself through watching what comes out on the page, when I just sit here and talk to myself, which is what it feels like I am doing as I sit here and type. In the past when I felt like a crisis was occuring in my world, I would share with friends but after a while it just felt like I was burdening them with my current angst and that made me feel guilty....which I did not need to pile on to everything else that was, or is, occuring.
I was always apologizing for how I was feeling, which again was not useful in my moving through the situation at the time. God, what a roller coaster ride that was. Trying to move through things, all the while feeling the need to apologize for myself.
That's interesting.....apologizing for MYSELF.
Somehow that seems sad. Why should a person have to apologize for the deep feelings that were present? I now realize that these deep feelings are not so deep anymore. They are right here in front of me...very present and in now time.
I think that for many people struggling with depression and/or anxiety there is such a stigma associated with "mental instability" that most of us try to downplay the problem and simply HOPE it will go away. But like it or not, it does not simply GO AWAY - you have to work on it and therein lies the problem.
Firstly, if you don't ask for help, you are stuck with only YOU to attempt to work through it and yes, dear readers, I was one of those people.
My way of dealing with it all was to help OTHERS through my intuitive practice. I found that when working with others, there were ALWAYS similiarities between their issues and mine. While working with Spirit I was able to feel better myself after my sessions with clients and this helped me deflect from my own issues.
I have found over the years that many practitioners in the world of Spirit are wounded Souls in their own right. And, yes, most of us found that by giving to the world, it somehow gave us a better sense of our Self. I know it did for me.
Seeing others move on after their time with me was very satisfying and made me feel that I was O.K. Being told repeatedly what a wonderful loving healing ANGEL I was seemed to be enough. However, if I did not feel like the being they were describing, I found myself feeling emptier and emptier. Like this being they were describing as ME was somehow separate from who and what I felt to be inside.
So now here I AM. Ready to fully embrace this Being that others see.
Ready to live my life from this day forward as a wonderful, loving, healing ANGEL and allow Me to assist with my own healing journey.
And so it is.......
Namaste
For years I simply let my days flow and while it worked for many years, there came a time when I found that instead of flowing, I was flailing, constantly worrying about what was coming next. I thought if I got a "job" that would make me feel better and it did, for a time. Of course I found a job in a very stressful industry. Couple that with a group of people who were definitely NOT heart centered and BANG...I was back to square one. Was forced to leave that position and take a step back.
Started to focus once again on my "spiritual" work. Unfortunately I ended up with clients who drained me, forcing me to realize that THAT wasn't going to work either. So now what I thought...
What has come out of all of this is the realization that the work I am meant to be doing at this time in my life is the work of ME. Getting clear and healing from years of abuse, starting from a very young age. Not an easy place to find oneself at the ripe old age of 60.........well I guess I shouldn't say OLD as I do not feel old, just a tad shell shocked at my current situation.
And I am working on me using a number of different modalities, the most important one being my writing. There certainly is something to be said for being able to share with oneself through watching what comes out on the page, when I just sit here and talk to myself, which is what it feels like I am doing as I sit here and type. In the past when I felt like a crisis was occuring in my world, I would share with friends but after a while it just felt like I was burdening them with my current angst and that made me feel guilty....which I did not need to pile on to everything else that was, or is, occuring.
I was always apologizing for how I was feeling, which again was not useful in my moving through the situation at the time. God, what a roller coaster ride that was. Trying to move through things, all the while feeling the need to apologize for myself.
That's interesting.....apologizing for MYSELF.
Somehow that seems sad. Why should a person have to apologize for the deep feelings that were present? I now realize that these deep feelings are not so deep anymore. They are right here in front of me...very present and in now time.
I think that for many people struggling with depression and/or anxiety there is such a stigma associated with "mental instability" that most of us try to downplay the problem and simply HOPE it will go away. But like it or not, it does not simply GO AWAY - you have to work on it and therein lies the problem.
Firstly, if you don't ask for help, you are stuck with only YOU to attempt to work through it and yes, dear readers, I was one of those people.
My way of dealing with it all was to help OTHERS through my intuitive practice. I found that when working with others, there were ALWAYS similiarities between their issues and mine. While working with Spirit I was able to feel better myself after my sessions with clients and this helped me deflect from my own issues.
I have found over the years that many practitioners in the world of Spirit are wounded Souls in their own right. And, yes, most of us found that by giving to the world, it somehow gave us a better sense of our Self. I know it did for me.
Seeing others move on after their time with me was very satisfying and made me feel that I was O.K. Being told repeatedly what a wonderful loving healing ANGEL I was seemed to be enough. However, if I did not feel like the being they were describing, I found myself feeling emptier and emptier. Like this being they were describing as ME was somehow separate from who and what I felt to be inside.
So now here I AM. Ready to fully embrace this Being that others see.
Ready to live my life from this day forward as a wonderful, loving, healing ANGEL and allow Me to assist with my own healing journey.
And so it is.......
Namaste
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Not much to say this afternoon
Finally starting to feel normal after a rather harsh month. What a relief.
Had a lovely afternoon at the Vancouver Art Gallery with lunch at their amazing cafe and then saw a collection of the works of Matisse on loan from a gallery in Baltimore. Fascinating....we even bit the bullet and did the guided tour thing which was very interesting. And, to make things even better, when we left, the sun had come back out after a 3 day absence.
On the way home I stopped at a mall and bought a couple of pairs of shoes - more sensible ones that I can actually walk around in for an extended period of time, as my feet were rather sore after wandering around the gallery and the streets of our lovely city for a few hours.
Yep, I felt "normal" today which is a huge accomplishment for this little lady. Relaxed and flowing. Still a tad anxious when driving as the traffic was rather tense but all in all a successful day.
Thought I would be more chatty this afternoon but it appears not. So I shall sign off and wish you all a peaceful evening.
Had a lovely afternoon at the Vancouver Art Gallery with lunch at their amazing cafe and then saw a collection of the works of Matisse on loan from a gallery in Baltimore. Fascinating....we even bit the bullet and did the guided tour thing which was very interesting. And, to make things even better, when we left, the sun had come back out after a 3 day absence.
On the way home I stopped at a mall and bought a couple of pairs of shoes - more sensible ones that I can actually walk around in for an extended period of time, as my feet were rather sore after wandering around the gallery and the streets of our lovely city for a few hours.
Yep, I felt "normal" today which is a huge accomplishment for this little lady. Relaxed and flowing. Still a tad anxious when driving as the traffic was rather tense but all in all a successful day.
Thought I would be more chatty this afternoon but it appears not. So I shall sign off and wish you all a peaceful evening.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Shining your light for all to see
So much for computer geeks. Had one come in yesterday to disable the bottom panel so that I could get back to writing and it didn't stick. Just spent the past hour trying to do it again, had the techie try to talk me through it again and nada....won't stick. So I am working with the equivalent of "duct tape" in that I have taped a piece of cardboard to the bottom of the keyboard and this is helping. I still can't relax my hands completely but it is working better than without.
I am amazed at the challenges that keep presenting themselves to me these days. It appears that I am being tested on all levels. But I have to admit that I must be up for the challenges today as I have yet to dissolve in tears.
Had a positive conversation with the ex this morning. Finally got it through his head that we are done. Explained that it was not just one incident but a culmination of things over our time together. He has an appointment with his Doctor this coming week to arrange for his own counselling and I wish him well.
I feel I should be removing my belongings from his place but he maintains that I could leave them there until I land on my feet again. Would be simpler to do so but I keep thinking that it would be so much easier for him to move on in his world without the constant reminder of my energy swirling around. Then again perhaps it makes him feel better with ME there, at least energetically.
I remember when we first met how he always wanted to be at my place and he asked how he could make his place "feel" like mine. I explained that it never could feel like mine as I didn't live there...he did. I did get him some plants and rearranged his space which helped but at the day, it was his place and it was his energy that he lived in. A year or so later I did move into his place and while I shifted the energy, for me, HIS energy was still present obviously. He loved how it felt and while there were times when it felt o.k., it never completely felt like mine.
He has a very strong energy and, since I do feel the energy of others, there was always this underlying sense of discord, which he carries and, as it turns out, so did I.
Having a place to be on my own is helping me come into an understanding of how I need to distance myself from the energy of others so as to assist with my own healing.
As I sit here I realize that I feel better today than yesterday. My breathing is more relaxed and I am not as tired, or perhaps drained is a better word, as I felt yesterday. I slept better but had some pretty weird dreams. The main dream contained babies, puppies that were somehow Daliesque and the sense that there was a great distance to go when in reality it was just down the street. And, of course, me, being the kind of person who likes to understand things has a number of ideas about what it all meant.
The sense that there was a great distance to travel when, in fact, there wasn't far to go gives me an inkling that I can get through all of this in a much shorter time that I originally thought. By that I don't mean that it will be like POOF, I am healed but that I will handle it all and again will land on my feet. This time however, I am well aware of my own strengths and will not be searching for someone else to make it all right, as I have done most of my life. This feels good...admitting that I do not need someone else to make it right. This is my life, always has been and like it or not, I am where I sit today because of the choices I have made along the way.
I do know right from wrong but when you are constantly trying to make it all better, all the while denying that something is seriously wrong, it does tend to stifle a healthy existence. It always looked on the outside that everything was good and positive, but there was always this niggling doubt about it all. Never feeling like I had a place where I fit in........always feeling a bit odd or different, all the while presenting a facade of the real me.
So now, I am giving myself a chance to find out who the real me is. Actually looking forward to it since I do have some amazing qualities that make me shine for all to see. Now it is time for me to shine for ME to see.
Have a wonderfully bright and joyful day.
Namaste
I am amazed at the challenges that keep presenting themselves to me these days. It appears that I am being tested on all levels. But I have to admit that I must be up for the challenges today as I have yet to dissolve in tears.
Had a positive conversation with the ex this morning. Finally got it through his head that we are done. Explained that it was not just one incident but a culmination of things over our time together. He has an appointment with his Doctor this coming week to arrange for his own counselling and I wish him well.
I feel I should be removing my belongings from his place but he maintains that I could leave them there until I land on my feet again. Would be simpler to do so but I keep thinking that it would be so much easier for him to move on in his world without the constant reminder of my energy swirling around. Then again perhaps it makes him feel better with ME there, at least energetically.
I remember when we first met how he always wanted to be at my place and he asked how he could make his place "feel" like mine. I explained that it never could feel like mine as I didn't live there...he did. I did get him some plants and rearranged his space which helped but at the day, it was his place and it was his energy that he lived in. A year or so later I did move into his place and while I shifted the energy, for me, HIS energy was still present obviously. He loved how it felt and while there were times when it felt o.k., it never completely felt like mine.
He has a very strong energy and, since I do feel the energy of others, there was always this underlying sense of discord, which he carries and, as it turns out, so did I.
Having a place to be on my own is helping me come into an understanding of how I need to distance myself from the energy of others so as to assist with my own healing.
As I sit here I realize that I feel better today than yesterday. My breathing is more relaxed and I am not as tired, or perhaps drained is a better word, as I felt yesterday. I slept better but had some pretty weird dreams. The main dream contained babies, puppies that were somehow Daliesque and the sense that there was a great distance to go when in reality it was just down the street. And, of course, me, being the kind of person who likes to understand things has a number of ideas about what it all meant.
The sense that there was a great distance to travel when, in fact, there wasn't far to go gives me an inkling that I can get through all of this in a much shorter time that I originally thought. By that I don't mean that it will be like POOF, I am healed but that I will handle it all and again will land on my feet. This time however, I am well aware of my own strengths and will not be searching for someone else to make it all right, as I have done most of my life. This feels good...admitting that I do not need someone else to make it right. This is my life, always has been and like it or not, I am where I sit today because of the choices I have made along the way.
I do know right from wrong but when you are constantly trying to make it all better, all the while denying that something is seriously wrong, it does tend to stifle a healthy existence. It always looked on the outside that everything was good and positive, but there was always this niggling doubt about it all. Never feeling like I had a place where I fit in........always feeling a bit odd or different, all the while presenting a facade of the real me.
So now, I am giving myself a chance to find out who the real me is. Actually looking forward to it since I do have some amazing qualities that make me shine for all to see. Now it is time for me to shine for ME to see.
Have a wonderfully bright and joyful day.
Namaste
Friday, September 21, 2012
Healer heal thy Self
I have been staying at a friend's place while she is out of the country which means I am using a different computer. Unfortunately I have been used to a pc and hers is a laptop so not only is that a learning curve but I was trying to type with both the bottom panel AND the mouse operational. I suppose if I typed slowly it wouldn't have been such a challenge but I kept hitting the bottom of the keyboard and WHOOSH whatever I typed landed elsewhere. So very VERY frustrating. Anyway, Malcolm, a computer geek, just spent an hour fixing various inconsistencies on the computer and disabled the bottom panel so I am back in business.
And being back is so important for me now with all that has transpired these past few months. I have been writing in my journal but long hand takes so long so now I can spend more of my time sitting and sharing via this mode.
Most of my life I have struggled with depression and recently anxiety as well. I knew that it was not simply a slight case of "mental discordance" but had never been sufficiently listened to by my doctors. I finally demanded that I get a proper diagnosis which I am pleased to report I just got earlier this week. Had a meeting with a wonderful psychiatrist who founded a Mood Disorder Clinic in Vancouver about 20 years and he confirmed my own self diagnosis. Glad that someone in the medical field finally confirmed what I had been maintaining since I was 18 years old. Sad that it has taken over 40 years to get here but at least I have a starting point.
Whenever I watched ads on T.V. for depression I was shocked to see the actual percentage of the population who struggle with some form of mental illness. Sure we see the homeless wandering in their fog but so many people lead relatively normal lives struggling every day in silence.
I spent over 20 years as a spiritual healer and intuitive counsellor assisting 1,000's along the way, all the time trying to pretend that I was fine. Being a healer allowed me to see the difference I made in the lives of others and that was so fulfilling. Unfortunately all the time it also allowed me to distance myself from my own demons.
In talking with others in the healing/helping profession it is more the norm than not, that those of us doing the healing are in need of our own healing which we manage to cloak or hide from others and more importantly from ourselves. Taking this step, for me, is huge especially since it comes at a time when I am not working and have left my relationship.
Fortunately I have been left a small sum of money from my Dad's estate which gives me some breathing room but still I will need to find a new home in the next few months as I can't stay with my friend as her space is not really conducive to be shared with 2 women. We can but it is not fair to her. She is away until the middle of October and when she returns I hope to be clearer as to where I wish to settle.
I really miss my old neighbourhood as it was by the water with views that stretched on forever, not to mention the park and walking everywhere. I have gone down there a few times a week as my Doctor is there and since the weather has been so good, I have been getting in some late summer/early fall beach time. I do so miss looking out at the water and the beach but that area of town is very expensive and without a current job I can't see my way clear to getting back there.
But, I am getting ahead of myself. I need to be calm and give myself credit for seeking help. First steps first.
I did have a brief conversation with my son the other day. He had told me not to call, write or email which I have honoured however it was his anniversary and I had to call to wish him a happy one. Started to hang up but I heard him yell "Mom...don't hang up". I didn't and then I started to cry. For this first time in ages, he didn't get mad at hearing tears flowing and told me everything would be o.k. I shared about the help I am embarking on and he praised me for starting down this path.
When it was time to end our conversation as he was on a job at the time, he said, with a smile in his voice "Hey, Ma one of these days we will look back at this time and laugh." I said "not so much for me as this has been the most unsettling time in my life" and I don't see any humour in it all but I am hopeful that we will get through it.
It appears that his way of dealing with uncomfortable "feelings" is to make light of them as if they don't mean anything. Unfortunately his wife advising me that I am not welcome in their home is not humourous to me AT ALL and I don't see how I will be able to laugh about that...EVER. Perhaps he does not know that she wrote me that note but somehow I think he must know. But who really knows what goes on with them.
Oh it feels so good to be able to be back on line writing again. I so need to be able to share my heart and soul with Me and if others are able to benefit from my own trials and tribulations something positive comes out of it all. Well, I know it is positive for ME.......and this is a very good thing. Deep breath.........
Blessings to you all.
And being back is so important for me now with all that has transpired these past few months. I have been writing in my journal but long hand takes so long so now I can spend more of my time sitting and sharing via this mode.
Most of my life I have struggled with depression and recently anxiety as well. I knew that it was not simply a slight case of "mental discordance" but had never been sufficiently listened to by my doctors. I finally demanded that I get a proper diagnosis which I am pleased to report I just got earlier this week. Had a meeting with a wonderful psychiatrist who founded a Mood Disorder Clinic in Vancouver about 20 years and he confirmed my own self diagnosis. Glad that someone in the medical field finally confirmed what I had been maintaining since I was 18 years old. Sad that it has taken over 40 years to get here but at least I have a starting point.
Whenever I watched ads on T.V. for depression I was shocked to see the actual percentage of the population who struggle with some form of mental illness. Sure we see the homeless wandering in their fog but so many people lead relatively normal lives struggling every day in silence.
I spent over 20 years as a spiritual healer and intuitive counsellor assisting 1,000's along the way, all the time trying to pretend that I was fine. Being a healer allowed me to see the difference I made in the lives of others and that was so fulfilling. Unfortunately all the time it also allowed me to distance myself from my own demons.
In talking with others in the healing/helping profession it is more the norm than not, that those of us doing the healing are in need of our own healing which we manage to cloak or hide from others and more importantly from ourselves. Taking this step, for me, is huge especially since it comes at a time when I am not working and have left my relationship.
Fortunately I have been left a small sum of money from my Dad's estate which gives me some breathing room but still I will need to find a new home in the next few months as I can't stay with my friend as her space is not really conducive to be shared with 2 women. We can but it is not fair to her. She is away until the middle of October and when she returns I hope to be clearer as to where I wish to settle.
I really miss my old neighbourhood as it was by the water with views that stretched on forever, not to mention the park and walking everywhere. I have gone down there a few times a week as my Doctor is there and since the weather has been so good, I have been getting in some late summer/early fall beach time. I do so miss looking out at the water and the beach but that area of town is very expensive and without a current job I can't see my way clear to getting back there.
But, I am getting ahead of myself. I need to be calm and give myself credit for seeking help. First steps first.
I did have a brief conversation with my son the other day. He had told me not to call, write or email which I have honoured however it was his anniversary and I had to call to wish him a happy one. Started to hang up but I heard him yell "Mom...don't hang up". I didn't and then I started to cry. For this first time in ages, he didn't get mad at hearing tears flowing and told me everything would be o.k. I shared about the help I am embarking on and he praised me for starting down this path.
When it was time to end our conversation as he was on a job at the time, he said, with a smile in his voice "Hey, Ma one of these days we will look back at this time and laugh." I said "not so much for me as this has been the most unsettling time in my life" and I don't see any humour in it all but I am hopeful that we will get through it.
It appears that his way of dealing with uncomfortable "feelings" is to make light of them as if they don't mean anything. Unfortunately his wife advising me that I am not welcome in their home is not humourous to me AT ALL and I don't see how I will be able to laugh about that...EVER. Perhaps he does not know that she wrote me that note but somehow I think he must know. But who really knows what goes on with them.
Oh it feels so good to be able to be back on line writing again. I so need to be able to share my heart and soul with Me and if others are able to benefit from my own trials and tribulations something positive comes out of it all. Well, I know it is positive for ME.......and this is a very good thing. Deep breath.........
Blessings to you all.
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
Transitions AGAIN
Big sigh..........it is over. Dad passed over on August 28th and the main emotion is one of relief. Had been expecting this for the past couple of years but he was a stubborn old Scot and wanted to live to see 100. Got close at 92 but he can now soar with the eagles..........he loved to fly so off he went.
Now dealing with all the details as I am the Executor so simply going one day at a time.
Unfortunately the same evening I had to leave my home of the past 2 years due to domestic issues. WOW..........amazing how the universe throws things at you. The old adage "it never rains but it pours"comes to me. Lucky for me that I have a safe haven with a friend in her beautiful home. She leaves for Europe on Monday and I can regroup for the next 6 weeks.
Need to find a job and a new home. Dicey situation as I have no clue where I want to live so will narrow down the possibilities and then find a "job. I do have skills so again, need to figure out what industry I want to focus on.
Can't believe that I have found myself in this situation at the ripe old age of 60. Neither look nor feel 60 but sadly this is my reality.
At least I have faith and a sense of trust that everything will be fine.
On we go.....
Namaste
Now dealing with all the details as I am the Executor so simply going one day at a time.
Unfortunately the same evening I had to leave my home of the past 2 years due to domestic issues. WOW..........amazing how the universe throws things at you. The old adage "it never rains but it pours"comes to me. Lucky for me that I have a safe haven with a friend in her beautiful home. She leaves for Europe on Monday and I can regroup for the next 6 weeks.
Need to find a job and a new home. Dicey situation as I have no clue where I want to live so will narrow down the possibilities and then find a "job. I do have skills so again, need to figure out what industry I want to focus on.
Can't believe that I have found myself in this situation at the ripe old age of 60. Neither look nor feel 60 but sadly this is my reality.
At least I have faith and a sense of trust that everything will be fine.
On we go.....
Namaste
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