Assisting our Selves

I realize that I do much better with some sort of a schedule.  Gives me focus which I sorely need at this time.

For years I simply let my days flow and while it worked for many years, there came a time when I found that instead of flowing, I was flailing, constantly worrying about what was coming next.  I thought if I got a "job" that would make me feel better and it did, for a time.  Of course I found a job in a very stressful industry.  Couple that with a group of people who were definitely NOT heart centered and BANG...I was back to square one.  Was forced to leave that position and take a step back.

Started to focus once again on my "spiritual" work.  Unfortunately I ended up with clients who drained me, forcing me to realize that THAT wasn't going to work either.  So now what I thought...

What has come out of all of this is the realization that the work I am meant to be doing at this time in my life is the work of ME.  Getting clear and healing from years of abuse, starting from a very young age.  Not an easy place to find oneself at the ripe old age of 60.........well I guess I shouldn't say OLD as I do not feel old, just a tad shell shocked at my current situation.

And I am working on me using a number of different modalities, the most important one being my writing.  There certainly is something to be said for being able to share with oneself through watching what comes out on the page, when I just sit here and talk to myself, which is what it feels like I am doing as I sit here and type.  In the past when I felt like a crisis was occuring in my world, I would share with friends but after a while it just felt like I was burdening them with my current angst and that made me feel guilty....which I did not need to pile on to everything else that was, or is, occuring.

I was always apologizing for how I was feeling, which again was not useful in my moving through the situation at the time.  God, what a roller coaster ride that was.  Trying to move through things, all the while feeling the need to apologize for myself. 

That's interesting.....apologizing for MYSELF.

Somehow that seems sad.  Why should a person have to apologize for the deep feelings that were present?  I now realize that these deep feelings are not so deep anymore.  They are right here in front of me...very present and in now time.

I think that for many people struggling with depression and/or anxiety there is such a stigma associated with "mental instability" that most of us try to downplay the problem and simply HOPE it will go away.  But like it or not, it does not simply GO AWAY - you have to work on it and therein lies the problem. 

Firstly, if you don't ask for help, you are stuck with only YOU to attempt to work through it and yes, dear readers, I was one of those people. 

My way of dealing with it all was to help OTHERS through my intuitive practice.  I found that when working with others, there were ALWAYS similiarities between their issues and mine.  While working with Spirit I was able to feel better myself after my sessions with clients and this helped me deflect from my own issues.

I have found over the years that many practitioners in the world of Spirit are wounded Souls in their own right.  And, yes, most of us found that by giving to the world, it somehow gave us a better sense of our Self.  I know it did for me.

Seeing others move on after their time with me was very satisfying and made me feel that I was O.K.  Being told repeatedly what a wonderful loving healing ANGEL I was seemed to be enough.  However, if I did not feel like the being they were describing, I found myself feeling emptier and emptier.  Like this being they were describing as ME was somehow separate from who and what I felt to be inside.

So now here I AM.  Ready to fully embrace this Being that others see.

Ready to live my life from this day forward as a wonderful, loving, healing ANGEL and allow Me to assist with my own healing journey.

And so it is.......

Namaste