Musing on family - it's Thanksgiving and all...

Today I was thinking of what I am thank full for this Thanksgiving Weekend.  And I keep coming back to the relationship my daughter and I are forging. 

We have had many years worth of angst - my daughter and I - so to be in a place of acceptance and gratitude for the relationship as it is NOW, is definitely something to be thankful for.  I am extra grateful for this, perhaps even more so, considering the "relationship" I currently have with her brother...but that's another story, one that I have been yapping about for quite some time now so I'll stop.

Back to daughter dearest.  She is one of the most loving, caring, thoughtful people I know and having her and her wonderful guy here for the weekend is great.  I shared with them that I woke up a tad anxious about having a big turkey dinner for a GROUP of people when I had originally thought I would just get a larger chicken and PRETEND it was a turkey..........smile.  Ah, not going to happen!  You see, she has invited her buds over so a GROUP it will be.  Actually now that I think about it when she was young, she always had a group happening and was directing whatever the event was that day or evening.  I don't remember being like that AT ALL but then again, she is she and I am ME.  I just realized

Anyway, she reminded me of how many turkey dinners I have served in all my many years........cough......and I was fine.  Some of these girls (young women) have been in my home many times over the years  so having them all together with me, as the Matriarch, is special.  It's funny but I am not feeling like her brother will be missed as much as we will have these other wonderful young men sharing our feelings of thanks for life as it is and it leaves me full.  I am feeling waves of love wafting over to him as I write so it's all good.  We are all blessed.

I have come a long way this past couple of months.  I know that these changes are directly linked to the death of my father at the end of August.   He and I had what I liked to call a "non-relationship" until I was in my 40's.  Lots of discourse and then his sister passed away.  She was a definite character and no way was I going to miss a celebration of HER life.  At the service, a Piper started to play the pipes and my Dad burst into tears. 

At the moment that his emotion got the better of him, I reached over and pulled him to my shoulder and he cried for about 5 minutes.  Bear in mind that I had NEVER seen my cry...  When he had shed all the tears necessary, all the years that we hadn't seen one another - about 4 at that time - dissolved and, as my husband used to say "Now he thinks the sun shines out of your Butt!"  And it was true. 

All of a sudden, he became nice to me.  Smiling and basking in the realization that I was his daughter and he was my father.  So now that he has gone, it is as if all the hurt and sadness that I have carried all these many years can now simply dissolve into the ethers and I can get on with the rest of my life.  When I let his ashes go yesterday during our little family service, I just felt clear and free if I can even call it that but there is no other way to describe the sensation.

No more need to questions me and my thoughts.  No more need to be sad or resentful as he is no longer here.  No excuses anymore because it is now just me and I CAN let go.  I chuckle as I remember the various times in my life that I have let EVERY thing go.  Like just recently.  I did it again and it is incredibly liberating.  It is a tad different this time however in that I am not a young woman anymore, at least age wise if you are counting the number of years on this earth of ours.  But I am young at heart and have a joyful spirit when I allow her out to play.....grin.  Another chapter begins.

So there you have it - my musings for this day.  When I originally sat down, my daughter, remember we started talking about her at the beginning of this discourse.....well she had been putting laundry from the washer into the dryer (one of those top and bottom things - condo living you know) and she went to stand up after reaching WAY down and WHACK! hit her head HARD on the bottom of the dryer.  She actually burst into tears.  She was really tired and I remember as a kid she would go and go and go and then just melt down, not unlike what she did just then.  Her guy came and got a towel and some ice to put on it and made her lie down.......................Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

...and I still have a smile on my face.

Have a wonderful evening and a great day tomorrow.  I might not post what with the whole group dinner thing going on but you never know.  I might have something special to share. Wouldn't want to keep it all to myself, now would I?