So it's here! The end of the year 2012. Someone asked me the other day "What was the biggest lesson you learned in 2012?" I thought "where to begin." And then I realized that while many things had occurred in my life this past year that were perhaps "less than stellar", I could not put my finger on the one biggest lesson learned. So now here I sit on New Years Eve pondering this very question.
And at the end of the day, it is a very good question to be pondering prior to setting any intentions for the coming year of 2013. I look at the "13" in the coming year and wonder......hmmmmm, but then again I have been indulging in some vampiric "novels" of late for brain relief.
In any event, I had decided weeks ago that I would like to spend New Year's Eve celebrating ME. Not that I've done anything incredible but simply that I chose to step out of the old world and take a leap of faith that I would survive.
And yes, I have survived. I also realized that I do indeed have some pretty good friends who have helped me out considerably since the "shift", as I like to call it. Just prepared and shared a totally awesome New Year's Eve dinner prepared by me. The housemate said she wanted a certain meal and voila - lucky for her - I was in the mood to create something wonderful. I felt that this dinner was some sort of gift to all of us who currently share this home.
I have so much that I plan on writing this evening and it fills me with joy. I realized today that never in my life have I moved in ANYWHERE, on my own. I have most definitely lived on my own but always when a move occurred I would have either been moving in with roommates or with a boyfriend/husband. In four days I will be moving in to a housesit situation on my own and I am really looking forward to the solitude.
Will be in a much more urban area with lots of "alternative" types wandering around and am wondering how that is going to feel for me. My last city home had a different demographic so will be interesting to see how it feels wandering around the new "hood". And I do love wandering around. A few years ago I had a friend that I called my "wandering around friend" because it seemed that the only time we spent together was when we both had errands to run and would walk around for hours going to one shop after another. But now I'm rambling.....
So, back to lessons learned.....
For me it seems to have been a lesson in learning to trust in the messages from my heart instead of listening to my "ego" or human self. I think back to various situations where I distinctly remember saying "this doesn't FEEL right" yet still, I went ahead and did it. From now on I will listen with my heart, not with my head, as what I think I need isn't generally what is right for my heart and soul. Funny how that works eh?
So what did you learn from this year of 2012? Let's hope it will serve you in good stead in the years to come. I am certainly intending this coming year of 2013 to be as wonderful as I can create it.
Blessings to you all on this turning of the year.
Namaste
Monday, December 31, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Snow and other random thoughts
Hmmmmmm....for a while out there it was a winter wonderland with the snow falling...then rain....then more snow.......then sun.......then sun AND snow. Looks like Mother Nature is having a hard time choosing which way to go today. Sounds a tad like some of the people I know of late, myself included. Of course the madhouse that is the Christmas season is upon many as they rush from one store to the other frantically looking for gifts. But not for this lady this year. Nor for many others too from the sounds of it.
So I have to admit that I love getting presents and there are times when I love looking for presents. I was the type of person who just didn't get any old thing at the drugstore. I would have a number of possibilities written down for everyone on my list and, while I am not like others I know who have gift boxes full of presents all ready for the season, I tended to like to do it in the last few weeks leading up to the big day. So for me this year, the stress is gone.
My housemates and I have decorated the living room and it is lovely. We also have "xmas" in the bathroom, the kitchen, lights strung outside and in our respective bedrooms so it looks and feels great. As my housemate says "I'm all about the tree and the food". And that is what our Christmas will be all about. We all like to cook and the only problematic area will be WHO gets to COOK the turkey. I AM famous for my stuffing so that might win me points.
She did mention perhaps doing a ham as well but to me, that is plain excessive. There will only be 4 of us here for dinner and we all know that a Turkey dinner is always excessive in its own right. I suggested we could always do another dinner on New Years Eve day and THAT could be when we do a ham. Anyway, I am hoping that I (the MOM figure in this whole living situation) will win the right to do Christmas dinner or at least the bird and stuffing.
I am chuckling here as I think of all the people who try to get OUT of making the dinner and here I am worrying that I WON'T get to. There is still this huge part of me that is such a Suzy Homemaker in disguise. Go figure.
And I am moving closer to the city on January 5th for a two month stint housesitting. The space is the main floor of an old refurbished Victorian home. I hadn't realized how much it resembles the very first space that I rented when I first moved into the big city. And this realization brings another smile to my face this day.
Funny how I have been moving here and moving there since leaving the "man" back in August yet I feel very grounded, not antsy like I would have a few short years ago.
And I will sign off rather abruptly as my housemate won't stop babbling and, what can I say, we do this on a regular basis so off I go......
Have a good one.........unless you decide otherwise.
So I have to admit that I love getting presents and there are times when I love looking for presents. I was the type of person who just didn't get any old thing at the drugstore. I would have a number of possibilities written down for everyone on my list and, while I am not like others I know who have gift boxes full of presents all ready for the season, I tended to like to do it in the last few weeks leading up to the big day. So for me this year, the stress is gone.
My housemates and I have decorated the living room and it is lovely. We also have "xmas" in the bathroom, the kitchen, lights strung outside and in our respective bedrooms so it looks and feels great. As my housemate says "I'm all about the tree and the food". And that is what our Christmas will be all about. We all like to cook and the only problematic area will be WHO gets to COOK the turkey. I AM famous for my stuffing so that might win me points.
She did mention perhaps doing a ham as well but to me, that is plain excessive. There will only be 4 of us here for dinner and we all know that a Turkey dinner is always excessive in its own right. I suggested we could always do another dinner on New Years Eve day and THAT could be when we do a ham. Anyway, I am hoping that I (the MOM figure in this whole living situation) will win the right to do Christmas dinner or at least the bird and stuffing.
I am chuckling here as I think of all the people who try to get OUT of making the dinner and here I am worrying that I WON'T get to. There is still this huge part of me that is such a Suzy Homemaker in disguise. Go figure.
And I am moving closer to the city on January 5th for a two month stint housesitting. The space is the main floor of an old refurbished Victorian home. I hadn't realized how much it resembles the very first space that I rented when I first moved into the big city. And this realization brings another smile to my face this day.
Funny how I have been moving here and moving there since leaving the "man" back in August yet I feel very grounded, not antsy like I would have a few short years ago.
And I will sign off rather abruptly as my housemate won't stop babbling and, what can I say, we do this on a regular basis so off I go......
Have a good one.........unless you decide otherwise.
Friday, December 14, 2012
On dealing with the horrors that we see daily
Boy oh boy, did that energetic shift, we all just went through, push some over the edge. The horror that is currently roaring around all over the internet, with respect to the elementary school shooting this morning, has everyone connecting on a very deep level. We are all feeling the effects of that lone gunman and his rampage. So much despair for such a young man. What is the world coming to we all say.....again.
I know that I have been severely tested this past year but, luckily for me, I am moving away from my own despair and feeling stronger for it. Again I say, I am SO lucky. I am able to express my pain through words and with the help of others who are also going through their own brand of crap. And this is what we all need to be doing these days. Sharing our fears and pain with others if only for the blessing of having someone to bounce things off of. It is not so much that we are looking for solutions through the efforts of others but more so through our own intuition and our own truths.
We are all being guided to sift through our beliefs about what our world is all about. Our own trials are interconnected with those of others the world over and as such, our trials are mirroring those of many other Souls in every part of the world. We need to be diligent in dealing with our lives in a way that is aligned with love and compassion for others, not fear and disgust as so many are doing.
Remember to take time daily to be in gratitude for all the gifts you are bestowed with - the small and the large. The simple things in life - family, friends, the beauty of nature, life in general. Of course there are many who are hurting in a very real way and it is up to those of us who are managing to move forward, to be there for those who are having a harder time. We have others who are there for us when we reach out so it is time for payback. We have to be there for another in times of need, knowing that we will receive all we need when in our own more trying times.
For today, I am intending to stay in my own truth, believing in the goodness of my fellow man/woman. I will not allow distrust to taint my view of reality. Today is a good day and I choose to stay in that mindset.
May your lessons boost you to the next level of consciousness. I send you all love and blessings on your journey.
Namaste.
I know that I have been severely tested this past year but, luckily for me, I am moving away from my own despair and feeling stronger for it. Again I say, I am SO lucky. I am able to express my pain through words and with the help of others who are also going through their own brand of crap. And this is what we all need to be doing these days. Sharing our fears and pain with others if only for the blessing of having someone to bounce things off of. It is not so much that we are looking for solutions through the efforts of others but more so through our own intuition and our own truths.
We are all being guided to sift through our beliefs about what our world is all about. Our own trials are interconnected with those of others the world over and as such, our trials are mirroring those of many other Souls in every part of the world. We need to be diligent in dealing with our lives in a way that is aligned with love and compassion for others, not fear and disgust as so many are doing.
Remember to take time daily to be in gratitude for all the gifts you are bestowed with - the small and the large. The simple things in life - family, friends, the beauty of nature, life in general. Of course there are many who are hurting in a very real way and it is up to those of us who are managing to move forward, to be there for those who are having a harder time. We have others who are there for us when we reach out so it is time for payback. We have to be there for another in times of need, knowing that we will receive all we need when in our own more trying times.
For today, I am intending to stay in my own truth, believing in the goodness of my fellow man/woman. I will not allow distrust to taint my view of reality. Today is a good day and I choose to stay in that mindset.
May your lessons boost you to the next level of consciousness. I send you all love and blessings on your journey.
Namaste.
Friday, December 07, 2012
just blabbing away here this evening
You know what? I see all these people are looking at this ongoing monologue I have going on here yet no one ever says Hi. Is that par for the course when you are a blogger. I really have no idea. I'd like you to say HI..........SMILE
For the longest time I didn't want to write about ME and MY life as I thought "Why bother? Who really cares?". Then I realized that I just wanted to write and you never know what can come out of a personal blog or diary or journal. One of my blogs is destined to become a real book and I have no doubt in my mind that it won't simply because I have bought books like the one I am visualizing and this feels good.
This blog, however, does appear to be just me and my thoughts, which, in essence, is what "musings" is all about. Every person has at least ONE story they could write, if they were motivated to do so. I know that once I get started, there will be no stopping me. I have come to the point in my life where if I do nothing else with my day, I HAVE to write something. And I just realized that I have already started.
I have to admit that it really is a pain in the butt that I have to think of ways to make money as I just want to write all day - and go to the gym, wander around out in nature, listen to good music and eat yummy food. Not much else - pretty simple life really... But the money I have right now will not last as long as me, that's for sure, so on to the how to survive in the long run.
I have always been of the mind that the Universe would provide and to this point, there has never been a problem. I am getting older and don't really envision some Prince Charming is going to come along on his trusty white steed and rescue me OR, perhaps, whisk me away on his yacht....or something. And think about....this DOES happen to some people BUT, at the end of the day, I definitely do NOT need rescuing so I guess it is a moot point.
But, first things first...I need to find my own space from which to move forward. My housemate doesn't even know if SHE is going to live in her home and is in the midst of her "life" so there is even more impetus to move forward. Actually getting kind of excited about a new space, all on my own again. And of course, since I have next to nothing in the way of household materials, I guess a shopping expedition will be coming up soon. And we are not just talking about a new vase or something. I have nothing.
I have a dear friend who LOVES to shop and she, for one, is very excited about going shopping to furnish my new space - whenever it appears. We are talking about a bed, living room furniture, dining room, office desk, EVERYTHING for a kitchen.......yikes, could be costly. But a fresh start for sure.
Bought a new laptop today as I have been using my housemate's PC for the past month or so. So I can now be mobile. Not that that has ever been a desire of mine as I do love to have an "office" space to write in but I do see tons of people in coffee shops sitting with their laptops "writing". Oh well, guess I have to get into the 21st century one of these days
Anyway, enough nattering away here. Have a joyous evening wherever you are.
Blessings to you all.
For the longest time I didn't want to write about ME and MY life as I thought "Why bother? Who really cares?". Then I realized that I just wanted to write and you never know what can come out of a personal blog or diary or journal. One of my blogs is destined to become a real book and I have no doubt in my mind that it won't simply because I have bought books like the one I am visualizing and this feels good.
This blog, however, does appear to be just me and my thoughts, which, in essence, is what "musings" is all about. Every person has at least ONE story they could write, if they were motivated to do so. I know that once I get started, there will be no stopping me. I have come to the point in my life where if I do nothing else with my day, I HAVE to write something. And I just realized that I have already started.
I have to admit that it really is a pain in the butt that I have to think of ways to make money as I just want to write all day - and go to the gym, wander around out in nature, listen to good music and eat yummy food. Not much else - pretty simple life really... But the money I have right now will not last as long as me, that's for sure, so on to the how to survive in the long run.
I have always been of the mind that the Universe would provide and to this point, there has never been a problem. I am getting older and don't really envision some Prince Charming is going to come along on his trusty white steed and rescue me OR, perhaps, whisk me away on his yacht....or something. And think about....this DOES happen to some people BUT, at the end of the day, I definitely do NOT need rescuing so I guess it is a moot point.
But, first things first...I need to find my own space from which to move forward. My housemate doesn't even know if SHE is going to live in her home and is in the midst of her "life" so there is even more impetus to move forward. Actually getting kind of excited about a new space, all on my own again. And of course, since I have next to nothing in the way of household materials, I guess a shopping expedition will be coming up soon. And we are not just talking about a new vase or something. I have nothing.
I have a dear friend who LOVES to shop and she, for one, is very excited about going shopping to furnish my new space - whenever it appears. We are talking about a bed, living room furniture, dining room, office desk, EVERYTHING for a kitchen.......yikes, could be costly. But a fresh start for sure.
Bought a new laptop today as I have been using my housemate's PC for the past month or so. So I can now be mobile. Not that that has ever been a desire of mine as I do love to have an "office" space to write in but I do see tons of people in coffee shops sitting with their laptops "writing". Oh well, guess I have to get into the 21st century one of these days
Anyway, enough nattering away here. Have a joyous evening wherever you are.
Blessings to you all.
Monday, December 03, 2012
Life as ME
Had a nice conversation with my son this afternoon. Didn't really know how he would respond because, according to my daughter in law, he just doesn't want to talk to me either. Luckily that is not the case and he is determined to get these fences mended once they return from Europe. I even suggested that we could all so to see "someone" who could referee the whole thing. You know - someone to keep us all on track and talking ONE at a time, ensuring that we are clear with what the other is saying and allowing us ALL to voice our feelings around the whole "saga".
At the moment, my son is fine with this being nice and not getting into any "difficult" conversations and that is fine with me. I know that we will have to address his issues one of these days, but he is either unable or refuses to do so at this time. And my daughter in law has her very real issues as to the relationship that I have always had with my son, which she is doggedly trying to demolish....go figure and to think that it was ME who introduced HER to HIM...........some divine friggin' karmic payback at play here me thinks. At least this makes me smile today as opposed to dissolving in tears for a couple of days.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ME? Don't worry that is MY question and you don't have to worry yourself about it at all. I know what I need to do and am in the process of getting into a forward thinking state of mind once more.
I just realized that not only has this mother/son drama been going on for a number of years (with a HUGE escalation 4 months ago), but my father passed away 3 months ago and I left a long term relationship...........hmmmmm, perhaps I need to relax and stop trying to make everything right. Major life transition happening again. Yes, again.
I used to like to say that I was already into my 4th "life" this time around because I have changed courses quite dramatically a few times over the years. Twice I have willingly released homes, cars, furniture - my worldly possessions as it were - to embark on a new way of being, a new chapter in my life. This last time I was refused access to some of my stuff and again, have had to let it go. I seem to do fine with each transition, as a new part of me surfaces every time, but I always thought that by the time I reached my current age that I would be settled in something that would endure the tests of time. And obviously once more I am looking out at the horizon, not yet seeing the shore.
Any other time I have decided to alter my course, I had a game plan. I thought about it, I planned for it and I ensured that I would land in my new world with the least disruption as possible, ensuring that the people in my life (i.e. husbands, children, partner) would also be fine. This time, not so much.
A part of me still wants to go over to my old place and demand MY STUFF and then I stop! Not a good idea. Angry man who still thinks his "baby" is coming home awaits. So again, let it go - harder this time as it was not my choice and that is not true. Sure I didn't choose to leave most of my stuff with said angry man but I did choose to leave HIM. So according to him I forfeit whatever I brought into the relationship that he has become attached to. Little things, ME things, special things that don't mean much to him other than the fact that they DO mean something to me.
All my Christmas decorations, odds and sods for sure but mine, all the same, are there too and I'm sure that this is also having an effect. I went to a friend's house for dinner last night and we decorated her tree. Felt very family and I realized that I must be special to her for her to have me assist in this yearly tradition of hers. Remember that this year, for me there will be no kids or granddaughter here at Christmas (they are all going to Europe - not together but with their respective partners), no partner as we are not a couple anymore, no parents as the last one just passed. As I sit and write this I think that perhaps this might be O.K. after all. Certainly a lot less stress for me and a chance to simply reflect on what the season is supposed to be about after all, instead of all the stress it unfortunately creates.
I had a blog post started the other day that I never did finish detailing how "blogging saved my life" and that is so true. When I go through my own little trials in "hell", writing about it seems to bring it into clarity and I can think rationally about it all. Working it out through the words is so much better than trying to figure out all the other parts of the equation, especially when other humans are part of it same equation.
So it is getting late and I am getting hungry. I have no idea where my housemates are at the moment but I think I'll start to make dinner and see who wanders up the stairs.
Thanks for listening. It helps............
Have a great evening and may joy and love fill your heart at this special time of year.
Hugz
At the moment, my son is fine with this being nice and not getting into any "difficult" conversations and that is fine with me. I know that we will have to address his issues one of these days, but he is either unable or refuses to do so at this time. And my daughter in law has her very real issues as to the relationship that I have always had with my son, which she is doggedly trying to demolish....go figure and to think that it was ME who introduced HER to HIM...........some divine friggin' karmic payback at play here me thinks. At least this makes me smile today as opposed to dissolving in tears for a couple of days.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ME? Don't worry that is MY question and you don't have to worry yourself about it at all. I know what I need to do and am in the process of getting into a forward thinking state of mind once more.
I just realized that not only has this mother/son drama been going on for a number of years (with a HUGE escalation 4 months ago), but my father passed away 3 months ago and I left a long term relationship...........hmmmmm, perhaps I need to relax and stop trying to make everything right. Major life transition happening again. Yes, again.
I used to like to say that I was already into my 4th "life" this time around because I have changed courses quite dramatically a few times over the years. Twice I have willingly released homes, cars, furniture - my worldly possessions as it were - to embark on a new way of being, a new chapter in my life. This last time I was refused access to some of my stuff and again, have had to let it go. I seem to do fine with each transition, as a new part of me surfaces every time, but I always thought that by the time I reached my current age that I would be settled in something that would endure the tests of time. And obviously once more I am looking out at the horizon, not yet seeing the shore.
Any other time I have decided to alter my course, I had a game plan. I thought about it, I planned for it and I ensured that I would land in my new world with the least disruption as possible, ensuring that the people in my life (i.e. husbands, children, partner) would also be fine. This time, not so much.
A part of me still wants to go over to my old place and demand MY STUFF and then I stop! Not a good idea. Angry man who still thinks his "baby" is coming home awaits. So again, let it go - harder this time as it was not my choice and that is not true. Sure I didn't choose to leave most of my stuff with said angry man but I did choose to leave HIM. So according to him I forfeit whatever I brought into the relationship that he has become attached to. Little things, ME things, special things that don't mean much to him other than the fact that they DO mean something to me.
All my Christmas decorations, odds and sods for sure but mine, all the same, are there too and I'm sure that this is also having an effect. I went to a friend's house for dinner last night and we decorated her tree. Felt very family and I realized that I must be special to her for her to have me assist in this yearly tradition of hers. Remember that this year, for me there will be no kids or granddaughter here at Christmas (they are all going to Europe - not together but with their respective partners), no partner as we are not a couple anymore, no parents as the last one just passed. As I sit and write this I think that perhaps this might be O.K. after all. Certainly a lot less stress for me and a chance to simply reflect on what the season is supposed to be about after all, instead of all the stress it unfortunately creates.
I had a blog post started the other day that I never did finish detailing how "blogging saved my life" and that is so true. When I go through my own little trials in "hell", writing about it seems to bring it into clarity and I can think rationally about it all. Working it out through the words is so much better than trying to figure out all the other parts of the equation, especially when other humans are part of it same equation.
So it is getting late and I am getting hungry. I have no idea where my housemates are at the moment but I think I'll start to make dinner and see who wanders up the stairs.
Thanks for listening. It helps............
Have a great evening and may joy and love fill your heart at this special time of year.
Hugz
Saturday, December 01, 2012
Family dramas
And on and on it goes. Had finally set up some time to talk with my daughter in law but instead she sent me a rather scathing email and said she hasn't got time to "waste on me" during this time of joy and celebration. OUCH. After she had said she wanted to get together and talk. She set the day and time and said I couldn't come to their home nor would she come to mine. So we set up a location for mid way from their home to mine. I had been preparing myself for her rant and meditated upon on being in a place of unconditional love and acceptance for her pain. I admit I was anxious knowing that she would be her nasty self, all the while, hoping that she would open herself to a new relationship with me but who knows now. Part of me realizes that she just wants to continue hurting me by refusing to talk about what our issues are. And I think the part that bothers me the most is that I really think she has some mental issues at play as I have never had so much anger and hatred directed at me EVER. Yet when we spoke of getting together two weeks ago, she was all loving and laughter saying how much she looked forward to us getting together. Yesterday I finally let the tears come as the frustration is so, well, frustrating.
Plus I have a granddaughter growing up who I have not seen for 4 months now. She is now talking and running around but she has no idea that she has another grandmother wanting to play and laugh with her. And of course my son is caught in the middle of it all and has said that his wife has forbidden him to bring her to see me. So now I wonder how he is doing within this mess that they are all blaming ME for. Such a sad state of affairs. And to top things off Christmas is coming but it will definitely not be a merry,merry family time for me. They are heading to Europe for 7 weeks next Tuesday so it will be at least another two months before anything happens, if even then.
And unfortunately, for me, I am stuck in limbo, not able to move forward nor move back. I know that this too shall pass but in the midst of it all it simply sucks. I want to get on with my life but have this awful energy swirling around and just can't seem to get going on anything.
At least I had already known that there would be no presents this year with them leaving on Tuesday and my daughter and her fiance, who live in Calgary, also leaving the following week for Europe. Money is an issue too so while we will put up a tree and decorate, it will not be the sort of Christmas that I wish it to be. Am so very grateful to be living in a house with other people because if I had had to be all alone this year, I don't know what I would have done with myself. It is scary but a challenge I guess I have to move through knowing that I do have a very real mood disorder which can rear its ugly head if I don't stay focussed.
But then again, perhaps it will all allow me to really put a game plan in place for the new year. What I wish to do for work, where I wish to live as this current home was never meant to be permanent and how I will move through it all. How I wish life were not as it is. How I wish I could pull up my boot straps and get on with it.....life that is.
Anyway, the rains have let up and the gym calls to me.
And on and on it goes........
Plus I have a granddaughter growing up who I have not seen for 4 months now. She is now talking and running around but she has no idea that she has another grandmother wanting to play and laugh with her. And of course my son is caught in the middle of it all and has said that his wife has forbidden him to bring her to see me. So now I wonder how he is doing within this mess that they are all blaming ME for. Such a sad state of affairs. And to top things off Christmas is coming but it will definitely not be a merry,merry family time for me. They are heading to Europe for 7 weeks next Tuesday so it will be at least another two months before anything happens, if even then.
And unfortunately, for me, I am stuck in limbo, not able to move forward nor move back. I know that this too shall pass but in the midst of it all it simply sucks. I want to get on with my life but have this awful energy swirling around and just can't seem to get going on anything.
At least I had already known that there would be no presents this year with them leaving on Tuesday and my daughter and her fiance, who live in Calgary, also leaving the following week for Europe. Money is an issue too so while we will put up a tree and decorate, it will not be the sort of Christmas that I wish it to be. Am so very grateful to be living in a house with other people because if I had had to be all alone this year, I don't know what I would have done with myself. It is scary but a challenge I guess I have to move through knowing that I do have a very real mood disorder which can rear its ugly head if I don't stay focussed.
But then again, perhaps it will all allow me to really put a game plan in place for the new year. What I wish to do for work, where I wish to live as this current home was never meant to be permanent and how I will move through it all. How I wish life were not as it is. How I wish I could pull up my boot straps and get on with it.....life that is.
Anyway, the rains have let up and the gym calls to me.
And on and on it goes........
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