Family dramas

And on and on it goes.  Had finally set up some time to talk with my daughter in law but instead she sent me a rather scathing email and said she hasn't got time to "waste on me" during this time of joy and celebration.  OUCH.  After she had said she wanted to get together and talk.  She set the day and time and said I couldn't come to their home nor would she come to mine.  So we set up a location for mid way from their home to mine.   I had been preparing myself for her rant and meditated upon on being in a place of unconditional love and acceptance for her pain.  I admit I was anxious knowing that she would be her nasty self, all the while, hoping that she would open herself to a new relationship with me but who knows now.   Part of me realizes that she just wants to continue hurting me by refusing to talk about what our issues are.  And I think the part that bothers me the most is that I really think she has some mental issues at play as I have never had so much anger and hatred directed at me EVER.   Yet when we spoke of getting together two weeks ago, she was all loving and laughter saying how much she looked forward to us getting together.   Yesterday I finally let the tears come as the frustration is so, well, frustrating.

Plus I have a granddaughter growing up who I have not seen for 4 months now.  She is now talking and running around but she has no idea that she has another grandmother wanting to play and laugh with her.  And of course my son is caught in the middle of it all and has said that his wife has forbidden him to bring her to see me.  So now I wonder how he is doing within this mess that they are all blaming ME for.  Such a sad state of affairs.  And to top things off Christmas is coming but it will definitely not be a merry,merry family time for me.  They are heading to Europe for 7 weeks next Tuesday so it will be at least another two months before anything happens, if even then.

And unfortunately, for me, I am stuck in limbo, not able to move forward nor move back.  I know that this too shall pass but in the midst of it all it simply sucks.  I want to get on with my life but have this awful energy swirling around and just can't seem to get going on anything.

At least I had already known that there would be no presents this year with them leaving on Tuesday and my daughter and her fiance, who live in Calgary, also leaving the following week for Europe.  Money is an issue too so while we will put up a tree and decorate, it will not be the sort of Christmas that I wish it to be.  Am so very grateful to be living in a house with other people because if I had had to be all alone this year, I don't know what I would have done with myself.  It is scary but a challenge I guess I have to move through knowing that I do have a very real mood disorder which can rear its ugly head if I don't stay focussed.

But then again, perhaps it will all allow me to really put a game plan in place for the new year.  What I wish to do for work, where I wish to live as this current home was never meant to be permanent and how I will move through it all.  How I wish life were not as it is.  How I wish I could pull up my boot straps and get on with it.....life that is.

Anyway, the rains have let up and the gym calls to me.

And on and on it goes........