Life as ME

Had a nice conversation with my son this afternoon.  Didn't really know how he would respond because, according to my daughter in law, he just doesn't want to talk to me either.  Luckily that is not the case and he is determined to get these fences mended once they return from Europe.  I even suggested that we could all so to see "someone" who could referee the whole thing.  You know - someone to keep us all on track and talking ONE at a time, ensuring that we are clear with what the other is saying and allowing us ALL to voice our feelings around the whole "saga".

At the moment, my son is fine with this being nice and not getting into any "difficult" conversations and that is fine with me.  I know that we will have to address his issues one of these days, but he is either unable or refuses to do so at this time.  And my daughter in law has her very real issues as to the relationship that I have always had with my son, which she is doggedly trying to demolish....go figure and to think that it was ME who introduced HER to HIM...........some divine friggin' karmic payback at play here me thinks.  At least this makes me smile today as opposed to dissolving in tears for a couple of days.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ME?  Don't worry that is MY question and you don't have to worry yourself about it at all.  I know what I need to do and am in the process of getting into a forward thinking state of mind once more.

I just realized that not only has this mother/son drama been going on for a number of years (with a HUGE escalation 4 months ago), but my father passed away 3 months ago and I left a long term relationship...........hmmmmm, perhaps I need to relax and stop trying to make everything right.   Major life transition happening again.  Yes, again.

I used to like to say that I was already into my 4th "life" this time around because I have changed courses quite dramatically a few times over the years.  Twice I have willingly released homes, cars, furniture - my worldly possessions as it were - to embark on a new way of being, a new chapter in my life.   This last time I was refused access to some of my stuff and again, have had to let it go.  I seem to do fine with each transition, as a new part of me surfaces every time, but I always thought that by the time I reached my current age that I would be settled in something that would endure the tests of time.  And obviously once more I am looking out at the horizon, not yet seeing the shore.

Any other time I have decided to alter my course, I had a game plan.  I thought about it, I planned for it and I ensured that I would land in my new world with the least disruption as possible, ensuring that the people in my life (i.e. husbands, children, partner) would also be fine.  This time, not so much.

A part of me still wants to go over to my old place and demand MY STUFF and then I stop!  Not a good idea.  Angry man who still thinks his "baby" is coming home awaits.  So again, let it go - harder this time as it was not my choice and that is not true.  Sure I didn't choose to leave most of my stuff with said angry man but I did choose to leave HIM.  So according to him I forfeit whatever I brought into the relationship that he has become attached to.  Little things, ME things, special things that don't mean much to him other than the fact that they DO mean something to me.

All my Christmas decorations, odds and sods for sure but mine, all the same, are there too and I'm sure that this is also having an effect.  I went to a friend's house for dinner last night and we decorated her tree.  Felt very family and I realized that I must be special to her for her to have me assist in this yearly tradition of hers.   Remember that this year, for me there will be no kids or granddaughter here at Christmas (they are all going to Europe - not together but with their respective partners),  no partner as we are not a couple anymore,  no parents as the last one just passed.  As I sit and write this I think that perhaps this might be O.K. after all.  Certainly a lot less stress for me and a chance to simply reflect on what the season is supposed to be about after all, instead of all the stress it unfortunately creates.

I had a blog post started the other day that I never did finish detailing how "blogging saved my life" and that is so true.   When I go through my own little trials in "hell", writing about it seems to bring it into clarity and I can think rationally about it all.  Working it out through the words is so much better than trying to figure out all the other parts of the equation, especially when other humans are part of it same equation.

So it is getting late and I am getting hungry.  I have no idea where my housemates are at the moment but I think I'll start to make dinner and see who wanders up the stairs.

Thanks for listening.  It helps............

Have a great evening and may joy and love fill your heart at this special time of year.

Hugz