Surrender and Acceptance

The other day I realized something about myself. 

There are times when I feel that I am somehow "out of sync" with my surroundings and dare I say...my life.  I am moving through my days and accomplishing stuff but there is this underlying feeling that something is just not right.  I will find myself feeling sad and realizing that there is nothing to be sad about.  So then, why or perhaps "where" does this sadness come from.

I like to analyse things and realize that this feeling is coming up from deep down within my Being.  I can go over and over situations from where this sadness could come from, but that is not the task at hand.  What I am wanting to do is live my life "without" the sadness.

I am getting better at it and I know that something in me has changed from what I once was.  When the sadness used to come over me I would be a mess.  Crying and feeling like the end of the world was at hand and then reliving this sensation over and over and over again until I finally released it all.  Exhausting for sure.  Now, it is more an awareness that comes over me.  So at the end of the day this is a good thing or would appear to be good.  However, something else has come with this new awareness and this doesn't feel like me.

I find that when with people, I am not as "close" as I used to be.  A distancing has occurred.  I used to talk to everyone anywhere.  Now, I find that I am quieter and not as prone to reach out to others.  I think it has something to do with the hurts I have experienced with those that I feel or felt close to.  Perhaps it is just a way to protect myself now but it has come at the expense of my losing my trust in others.

I had always trusted everyone and every situation to be a safe place for me.  With those hurts from different people, I suppose that I had to "toughen" up if that is the right word for this but I'll use it for now.  The tears that used to flow so freely are much less and even when others are crying, that part of me that would FEEL what everyone was feeling has taken a step back.

As we all know, or at least those of you that read my little discourses know, my relationship with my son and daughter has been an ongoing part of my own growth.  Thankfully my daughter and I are at a much better place but even with her, I have had to take a step back and hold on to my thoughts and my feelings, which of course contributes to feeling out of sync with things.  But, we are doing well so that is a good thing.  The thing with my son had finally sunk in and I am choosing to change my way of looking and relating to him and his life.

I saw him the other day and got to spend a bit of time with the granddaughter.  While there, my daughter in law was not home so I got to be the female figure in the group.  I chose to spend my time playing, chatting and dancing with the little one while listening to my son speak with my guy.  And I realized something about him........he has become someone that I do not know.  His behaviour to both myself, his stepmother and his sister is completely disrespectful and to make matters worse, he claims he has done nothing for which he feels the need to apologize.  Nothing we can say or do is going to change his mind about the divine rightness of HIS actions and so, FINALLY, I surrender.

I realize that if I want to have a part in his and his family's life, I will have to make the effort because he admits he will not do so.  I can't sit here expecting he or his wife to just call to see how I am.  I can't expect them to call and say, come for a walk with us and the baby.  They will not call me to babysit my granddaughter because his mother in law has that position in their life.  I asked to look after her every so often and he stated "we don't need you!"  OUCH.  So that is another thing that I have to accept.  Sad, but true but you know what?  I can not change the way he is choosing to live his life and if I want to be a part of it at all, I will have to suck it up. 

So slowly but surely I am surrendering to life as it is.  There are still areas I wish were different but that is the way things are at the moment.  I do know that it is only with acceptance that we can truly move forward.  Acceptance for what was.  Acceptance for what is.  And most importantly, acceptance for what will be.

I am choosing to believe that this too shall pass, as do all things in life.  I am content to surrender to the life that I find myself immersed in now.  Surrender with Love, Joy and Acceptance. I also will simply blast that "sadness" thing with LIGHT and TRUST.

There, that feels MUCH better.  How about you.........smile.