It's been a busy couple of weeks here on the West Coast. Gorgeous bright sunny days and beautiful starry nights with a soft breeze............ahhhhhhhhh, I love Summer.............with music everywhere, fireworks, marathons, beach and more beach...........Wish it lasted permanently like the tropics but you do learn to appreciate the other seasons after a while. But not winter so much for this lady.....blech...
Haven't written much of late as I have been attempting to figure out what the next step is for me on a number of different fronts. With Summer drawing to a close I get antsy as September has always seemed like the beginning of the year and so many parts of my life are out of sync with what I would wish for myself at this time. And therein lies the problem....what exactly IS in sync for me.
Been going over the many times in the past when I have been in this same position. The realization is here that things are going to change however I am unsure as to what this change will encompass. I also know that the change has to take place within me and until that time, nothing outside of me is going to be enough. My guy keeps saying "F**k it"...let it go. He deals with life in a completely different way than I do so, while I value his input, he doesn't seem to get it that my way is MY way and while I feel like just letting it go, I am prone to hold on to things as I attempt to figure them out. And I cry.....my general choice when releasing. Doesn't jive with a rough and tough old school guy though so my ability to just let go and be me is somewhat curtailed.
And the trying to figure out everything is driving me nuts. How can we truly know what is going with another when they will not communicate. You hear words but there is no substance behind them. I wish to engage others in a dialogue when there are issues standing in the way of a warm companionable relationship however, when others choose to distance themselves and yell whenever questions are asked, how can a sensitive Soul such as I come to terms with all the discordance.
I like getting answers to questions especially when they pertain to my well being. When I am sad, I look at what is causing me to feel that way and generally manage to move beyond the original feeling. When I put my finger on what is causing me stress or worry or anger, then and only then, am I able to move through it - hopefully with resolution in the process. My present state of mind has been caused by not being able to communicate or have others communicate with me in a heart based space.
My mind is going into overdrive as I search in my memory banks for what the original point of contention really is and I know that it goes WAY WAY back but this individual keeps saying that nothing is wrong but when the entire basis of my relationship with this person has changed drastically from a few short years ago, I know that something is definitely wrong. BUT WHAT?
Have you even been with someone who is obviously pissed at something and keeps saying that nothing is wrong? Their demeanour around you is hostile. They keep at a distance. A hug feels more like an attempt at closeness with no actual hugging occuring but bodies lightly touching. It just feels all off yet they insist that nothing is wrong.
I know that when someone or something bothers me I have to share it or else I burst which is why you, dear readers, get to experience my working through my own personal dilemmas on the page. My challenge at this time is to deal with this discordance on my own as the "others" just do not seem to be able to or perhaps not willing to go to the heart of the matter.
Someone posted something the other day on FB saying as follows:
"Sometimes its better to be silent than to tell others what you feel. Because, it will only hurt you when you know that they can hear you but they can not understand you."
And this is what is occuring with me right now. I am not allowed to share my personal feelings with these people as they have made it clear that what is happening with me isn't any concern of theirs even though it is because of their actions, or inactions, that I feel as I do. Why can't they get it but as I write that, I feel that perhaps they do get it and still continue to hurt me by their inaction. No consideration for my position at all.
Anyway, I did share something that had been festering within me for years the other day and WOW, did that get their attention. Of course, now they say they will NOT be calling me for quite some time and actually, while I had so very much wanted to move beyond all the hurt, it appears that this will have to be done on my own as they most definitely do not wish to participate in the healing.
I know that this is a strength building exercise for me. I welcome the lessons even though at times I wish I could just curl up in a ball and wish it all away. Unfortunately this is not a fairy tale that I live in and I have to gain clarity on my own as I move through one transition after another.
I think it is now time to go soak up some sun and bathe in the light that shines down upon us all....Thanks for listening.
Namaste.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Love is all there is
Note to Self: When publishing a post, make sure that you save it prior to previewing it.......Had written a long discourse of complete and total inspiration, at least to me.....grin and then POOF, gone. Hmmmm.
It has taken me a week before I have positioned myself back down here to come up with some other inspirational thoughts. Where to begin...
Just had a conversation with a friend of mine and she said to me "Katrice...do you realize that in all the years we have known each other, you have always had a hard time saying that you love me?" I thought about it for a while and then realized that I have a hard time saying I LOVE YOU to anyone these days.
I think it has something to do with having been told that I am loved only to witness, by actions, a completely different sensation coming at me. Now I am not talking about physical action but a physical sensation that courses through my body. I am a highly sensitive Soul.........YEAH for me......NOT!! and I am very aware of the energies of those around me. I can read them which of course makes me a very good intuitive reader in case anyone is in the mood for some intuitive inspiration of a different sort, but I digress.
What I am getting at here is that I can feel what someone is really feeling even though the words out of their mouths are not in sync. It has been hard due to the fact that I want to be loved and therefore, I tend to take what I get, even when I know it is not real.
There have been many times in my life when I have found myself in a group of people and felt that I didn't belong in that particular group or circle. I was accepted by the others in the group but the most important aspect of the whole experience was missing...........MY acceptance of myself.
The most recent instance of this type of confusion has led to my not being welcome in the home of someone who is, or has been, very close to me. Now, while it is hurtful, the odd thing that is occurring is that I am feeling lighter, almost floating instead of sinking into a puddle of tears. And the reason for this is that I have not felt welcome in these people's home for years. I have gone - well because I had always gone there - but I had felt like it was feeling more and more like work than something that gave me joy.
Each time I would think of calling, I hesitated because a) they very rarely answer their phone (at least when I call) and b) sometimes would take more than a week to return my call. I had mentioned it to them that this was very hurtful and they would just say - well that's your problem, we are not attached to the phone. Very hurtful and then when I would go over to their home (again, they never come here as my partner smokes) they would never offer me so much as a glass of water or a coffee. Very awkward for me. It had not always been the case as one of these people has married my original acquaintance so having my old acquaintance acting like this has been so very confusing. Anyway, getting back to the floating aspect of it all.
I feel like I am repositioning myself in MY life now. So many of these relationships that had left me feeling "out of sync" are now not IN my life. It had felt like a loss was occuring and while this may be true (the loss of companionship and laughter for example with these Souls), in the end I am feeling like I have taken a big part of me back.
The part that loves love and friendship. The part of me that craves relationships as I love to explore the minds and souls of those close to me and have them help to excavate those deeper parts of me that have yet to rise to the surface.
I can now acknowledge that it is those deeper parts of me that are coming to my rescue. It is my Soul that has held me in her embrace all these years,sharing my love with me. I CAN love me. Others can also love but it is not the be all and end all that they ALL love me. It is time to stop seeking love from those in my sphere and just shine the love that I AM out there and see what comes back to me.
Can you feel it?
Blessings abound
It has taken me a week before I have positioned myself back down here to come up with some other inspirational thoughts. Where to begin...
Just had a conversation with a friend of mine and she said to me "Katrice...do you realize that in all the years we have known each other, you have always had a hard time saying that you love me?" I thought about it for a while and then realized that I have a hard time saying I LOVE YOU to anyone these days.
I think it has something to do with having been told that I am loved only to witness, by actions, a completely different sensation coming at me. Now I am not talking about physical action but a physical sensation that courses through my body. I am a highly sensitive Soul.........YEAH for me......NOT!! and I am very aware of the energies of those around me. I can read them which of course makes me a very good intuitive reader in case anyone is in the mood for some intuitive inspiration of a different sort, but I digress.
What I am getting at here is that I can feel what someone is really feeling even though the words out of their mouths are not in sync. It has been hard due to the fact that I want to be loved and therefore, I tend to take what I get, even when I know it is not real.
There have been many times in my life when I have found myself in a group of people and felt that I didn't belong in that particular group or circle. I was accepted by the others in the group but the most important aspect of the whole experience was missing...........MY acceptance of myself.
The most recent instance of this type of confusion has led to my not being welcome in the home of someone who is, or has been, very close to me. Now, while it is hurtful, the odd thing that is occurring is that I am feeling lighter, almost floating instead of sinking into a puddle of tears. And the reason for this is that I have not felt welcome in these people's home for years. I have gone - well because I had always gone there - but I had felt like it was feeling more and more like work than something that gave me joy.
Each time I would think of calling, I hesitated because a) they very rarely answer their phone (at least when I call) and b) sometimes would take more than a week to return my call. I had mentioned it to them that this was very hurtful and they would just say - well that's your problem, we are not attached to the phone. Very hurtful and then when I would go over to their home (again, they never come here as my partner smokes) they would never offer me so much as a glass of water or a coffee. Very awkward for me. It had not always been the case as one of these people has married my original acquaintance so having my old acquaintance acting like this has been so very confusing. Anyway, getting back to the floating aspect of it all.
I feel like I am repositioning myself in MY life now. So many of these relationships that had left me feeling "out of sync" are now not IN my life. It had felt like a loss was occuring and while this may be true (the loss of companionship and laughter for example with these Souls), in the end I am feeling like I have taken a big part of me back.
The part that loves love and friendship. The part of me that craves relationships as I love to explore the minds and souls of those close to me and have them help to excavate those deeper parts of me that have yet to rise to the surface.
I can now acknowledge that it is those deeper parts of me that are coming to my rescue. It is my Soul that has held me in her embrace all these years,sharing my love with me. I CAN love me. Others can also love but it is not the be all and end all that they ALL love me. It is time to stop seeking love from those in my sphere and just shine the love that I AM out there and see what comes back to me.
Can you feel it?
Blessings abound
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
