Shining your light for all to see

So much for computer geeks.  Had one come in yesterday to disable the bottom panel so that I could get back to writing and it didn't stick.   Just spent the past hour trying to do it again, had the techie try to talk me through it again and nada....won't stick. So I am working with the equivalent of "duct tape" in that I have taped a piece of cardboard to the bottom of the keyboard and this is helping.  I still can't relax my hands completely but it is working better than without.  

I am amazed at the challenges that keep presenting themselves to me these days.  It appears that I am being tested on all levels.  But I have to admit that I must be up for the challenges today as I have yet to dissolve in tears.

Had a positive conversation with the ex this morning.  Finally got it through his head that we are done.  Explained that it was not just one incident but a culmination of things over our time together.  He has an appointment with his Doctor this coming week to arrange for his own counselling and I wish him well.

I feel I should be removing my belongings from his place but he maintains that I could leave them there until I land on my feet again.  Would be simpler to do so but I keep thinking that it would be so much easier for him to move on in his world without the constant reminder of my energy swirling around.   Then again perhaps it makes him feel better with ME there, at least energetically.

I remember when we first met how he always wanted to be at my place and he asked how he could make his place "feel" like mine.  I explained that it never could feel like mine as I didn't live there...he did.  I did get him some plants and rearranged his space which helped but at the day, it was his place and it was his energy that he lived in.  A year or so later I did move into his place and while I shifted the energy, for me, HIS energy was still present obviously.  He loved how it felt and while there were times when it felt o.k., it never completely felt like mine.

He has a very strong energy and, since I do feel the energy of others, there was always this underlying sense of  discord, which he carries and, as it turns out, so did I.

Having a place to be on my own is helping me come into an understanding of how I need to distance myself from the energy of others so as to assist with my own healing.

As I sit here I realize that I feel better today than yesterday.  My breathing is more relaxed and I am not as tired, or perhaps drained is a better word, as I felt yesterday.  I slept better but had some pretty weird dreams.  The main dream contained babies, puppies that were somehow Daliesque and the sense that there was a great distance to go when in reality it was just down the street.  And, of course, me, being the kind of person who likes to understand things has a number of ideas about what it all meant.

The sense that there was a great distance to travel when, in fact, there wasn't far to go gives me an inkling that I can get through all of this in a much shorter time that I originally thought.  By that I don't mean that it will be like POOF, I am healed but that I will handle it all and again will land on my feet.  This time however, I am well aware of my own strengths and will not be searching for someone else to make it all right, as I have done most of my life.  This feels good...admitting that I do not need someone else to make it right.  This is my  life, always has been and like it or not, I am where I sit today because of the choices I have made along the way.

I do know right from wrong but when you are constantly trying to make it all better, all the while denying that something is seriously wrong, it does tend to stifle a healthy existence.  It always looked on the outside that everything was good and positive, but there was always this niggling doubt about it all.  Never feeling like I had a place where I fit in........always feeling a bit odd or different, all the while presenting a facade of the real me.

So now, I am giving myself a chance to find out who the real me is.  Actually looking forward to it since I do have some amazing qualities that make me shine for all to see.  Now it is time for me to shine for ME to see.

Have a wonderfully bright and joyful day.

Namaste