It's all in the lessons in the end...

Was feeling a tad antsy a few moments ago.  Odd as I have been SO friggin relaxed since moving in here.  Wondering what this is all about......

There is one thing that might be bothering me on some level.  I have facilitated Meditation circles for years.  As the past year had been one full of strife I had backed off.   Upon moving into my current space I sent out an informational email telling my old participants that as of today, Wednesday, I would be opening up my new home for weekly meditations.  Many had been calling for it and I had thought we would have a nice little group.  Unfortunately tonight was obviously not a good night for it.  I think when I'm finished this little discourse I'll check out what the astrologers have to say about the energies surrounding this evening.

Anyway, in the past if no one responded I would feel out of sorts but knew that it was futile taking it personal.  Even still it would affect me in one way or another for a day or two.  This little bit of angst that is nagging at me feels sort of like that or perhaps more like just "off" somewhat.  When I tap in energetically right now, in the area of my heart, there is a bit of denseness.  That would definitely affect my energy.....you know heavier energy blocking the free flow of life force energy.  I know that I am running off in a different direction here BUT I feel a lesson coming on and perhaps it will have a resonance within you for some reason.  Hey, somehow you found me and if you are still here, something must have caught your attention.

So back to how various situations affect us energetically, either positively or negatively.  If any of you have read The Four Agreements by Ruiz, one of them is Never Take ANY thing Personally,  And this one little adjustment in your thinking can change your life.  And please bear with me, I will get to the point with the following part of my story....

Over the past year, so many things happened to me and around me - some of which I NEVER would have dreamed possible in MY life - yet happen they did.  There were even times when I was so distraught, as I struggled to get back up and out there, that I just found myself going numb, SO flat and listless for days on end.  And this was not like me at all, well at least certainly not for more than an hour or so but this was heading into weeks and while I now know  it was a severe bout of depression (thank God I found out what the problem was), at the time it was the weirdest experience.

I had things that I HAD to attend to as I was dealing with the death of my father and all that that entails on my own.  Just me folks.  There are others in the family who could have pitched in but that wasn't meant to be so deal with it all I did, while dealing with, as my Doctor said, a major depressive episode.  On the days that there was nothing I HAD to do I kept expecting to be out there seeing people and doing my work, like I always had.  However for the first time in my life I was finding it impossible to spend much time with others.  There were many people I could have reached out to but I didn't.  It felt like I needed to be on my own and work through this "episode" on my own on a much deeper level than I would have by speaking with friends and family. 

Part of my problem was a family disturbance that I had been trying to remedy for years, to no avail.  When are other people involved, it is impossible to do it on your own.  Cooperation and openness and discussion is necessary but one of the people involved was constantly belittling me and it had been escalating rapidly during this same year of angst for me.  I finally had to throw my hands up in surrender as I came to the realization that this situation had NOTHING to do with me anymore and I was beating my head against a brick wall and - I let it go.  It was the other person's issue now and on my letting it go I stopped taking it personally.  I didn't have to fix it as I had already dealt with on MY end.  You have no idea how liberating that was.

And to make it even better I was able to step away from everything else that had been causing me so much pain.  In essence, I had stopped taking things personally. It finally didn't matter what another said about me or threw at me because I knew in my heart that I was none of those things that were being bandied about. 

I can even sit here chuckling about how many times I bent over backward and reached out only to be smacked down, or at least the attempt was there, time and time again.  The last one was so big that all the people who were privy to the incident could only shake their heads and say stay away from that one.  And stay away I have.  There comes a time when we finally have to stand up for ourselves and say no more.  What others think of us or expect of us is none of our business.  It's what we think of ourselves and what we expect of ourselves that matters.

And with this rather long discourse that denseness in my heart is gone.  I sometimes think I should not write so much of a personal nature.   But the purpose of this blog from the very start was to share my journey with the hope that some of what I learn on my own path may have a glimmer of truth in yours.

As with all lessons learned it is always nice to share the outcome of it all with a positive bent.  So I guess what I am saying here is that what might look like a disaster in the moment, is simply the catalyst to take us from here to there.

I wish you well on your journey.

Namaste.